Chapter 23
Twenty Three
Val
The air in the gym was thick and smelled of a combination of sweat and antiseptic cleaner. There was a time in my life the fragrance would have pushed me away but now, I longed for it.
My lungs burned after the first three rounds of sparring.
When going hand to hand, Kaden and I had begun doing our rounds just like we would if we were actually fighting.
My mind wasn’t having it though. He had left me hanging last night, not sharing his darkest secret, and I had to know.
The moves that were supposed to be about muscle memory and conditioning weren’t sticking.
I found myself pinned against the mat, Kaden’s weight settling on my hips and his forearm pressed against my neck.
It wasn’t hard enough to choke me, but he sent a clear message: you lose.
“You’re thinking too much,” he murmured, his breath warm against my ear, a low vibration that traveled through my skin.
His voice was going to be an issue, the sound of it made me immediately surrender to him. Finally, he released the pressure, pulling his arm back, but his body remained stationary.
I glared up at him, noticing his dark eyes were also searching for mine. They had a fire in them that made me weak. Yet, I still felt like there was a wall separating us. What is wrong with me? It felt strange that one date, one night together, had affected me so much.
He cocked his brow, a signature move of his both on and off the mat. It was how I knew when he was trying to analyze the situation. “Talk to me.”
I released a heavy sigh, I was frustrated with myself for getting up in arms over this.
It was his story to share. I shouldn’t pressure him.
I had been so willing to dish out all of the skeletons in my closet though, while I felt like I almost needed to pry to help him clean out his.
“It’s just… I shared my entire history that I’ve barely shared with anyone and I feel like I got cheated out of hearing your story,” I finally spat out, pushing against his chest with a sudden surge of adrenaline similar to my fight or flight response.
He got up and extended a hand to me. This time, I ignored it, standing up on my own and watching his reaction. He seemed weary. I walked over to the edge of the mat and snatched up my towel, dabbing the sweat from my face.
“I put everything on the table: my past, the men I’ve been with, my experience with my previous trainer. You know everything, while I’m still left out in the dark.”
Kaden leaned against the wall next to where I stood. “Sit down.” He gestured to the bench, and I immediately obeyed even if I would have rather kept standing to show I didnt just do what I’m told. “My secret is… I have a life I’ve tried to keep separate from fighting.”
“What?” I was confused. He didn’t make any sense to me at all. “I have a life I want to keep separate from fighting, too. Gardening, did you know I love plants?”
Chuckling, Kaden shook his head. “I just worry you won’t understand. I know you say you’re curious, but what happens when it’s too much?” His expression went stark.
“Kaden, I’ve seen things I don’t understand and the only way I ever could learn is if I had someone who could teach me.” I was starting to see where he was going.
He slid closer to me, dropping his gaze to the floor.
When it came back up it was dark and serious.
This time things felt different. Taking my hand in his, he began speaking.
“You’re right. I know you’ve been through a lot, which is why it’s hard for me to share this.
You mentioned at one point you were interested in exploring kinks and being in a dominant and submissive style of relationship. Which is great.” He paused.
“I just wonder where your head is at with everything currently. After surviving an abusive relationship, I could see how it could deter you from wanting the same things I do. It’s a lifestyle I enjoy.”
Confusion began to take over and I remained silent, hoping he would elaborate a bit more.
“More specifically,” he continued once he realized his answer didn’t really catch on.
“I have a deep, foundational interest in the BDSM community. It isn’t a casual curiosity for me.
I’m not out exploring with every woman I meet.
When I was down from my accident, the lifestyle became a necessary part of how I connected and found control when my life was spiraling out of it.
When done right, with the right person who consents, it’s healthy and freeing. ”
There were no words, I continued to stare in awe as he continued his ramble. Sure, I had questions and a ruminating build-up of mixed emotions; nervousness and excitement consumed me, the more I listened to him speak. I just didn’t want to take away this moment of sharing.
He took a slow, deep breath as if he were waiting for me to counter-punch. When I didn’t, he continued.
“I identify as a dominant or dom. I love impact play, the sensory, the intensity, the art form. That’s what all of it is to me, just a different way of expressing yourself. The body is a beautiful canvas to mark up.”
He paused. “I’ve found it helps both parties heal in ways they never knew possible, or thought they needed.
I also really enjoy shibari. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to tie anyone up.
I enjoy watching the relationship between the rigger and the rope bunny.
It can be intense and nothing but pure, raw sensation.
Like all things that people can be passionate about, it takes a lot of trust and a special connection.
Just like a ring symbolizes marriage, I would love to symbolize my relationship with a collar.
It sounds weird, but I’m unsure of how to word that aspect. ”
The intensity in his eyes was blazing and a mix of fear and relief seemed to take over the depths of his black irises. He laid it all out, the one thing he didn’t share with many. My mind was racing trying to come up with a response.
“It’s a lot,” I managed, my throat dry. I picked up my water bottle and took a long drink, hoping I could organize the chaos forming in my head.