Chapter 24
Twenty Four
Val
My past began to flood back. I had seen it all when modeling.
Impact toys laid out on the table to be used as props, the feel of the rope as the photographer drug it across my body.
The hunger in his eyes as it grazed my nipples.
When I got online and began sharing my images and browsing through profiles and groups, I felt a pull toward the raw and unapologetic honesty of that world.
I was just too scared to step into it alone.
My own experiences with men involved unwanted dominance and abuse which left scars and trauma. The thought of entering into this type of relationship would only show I condoned that type of behavior. It felt like playing with fire. So I never took the risk.
Kaden gently placed his hand on mine. “It is a lot,” he agreed softly. “And I understand if it’s a hard limit for you, Val. I avoided telling you – though I wanted to – because I really enjoy our time together. I didn’t want to risk losing you over it.”
I shook my head slowly. “I would have thought sharing my story with you would have made it easier. I’ve been exposed to that world, I’m intrigued by it, deeply, but where do you even start? I just don’t want to step foot into a maze without a map.”
A tentative smile touched Kaden’s lips and I could see the relief come over him.
“The map is the least of your concerns. It requires communication, trust, and a willingness to explore. It’s not something you stumble into, which is where a lot of people get in trouble.
Besides, we are just starting out and getting to know each other on a deeper level.
No honorifics, no jumping into things without trust.”
“I’ve had such bad experiences with control and power.” I hesitated. “My past relationships, even the non-abusive ones, were never about a healthy exchange. I had to fight for my space, my voice. How do I know this isn’t just going to bring it all back to the surface?”
Kaden scooted closer again, and this time he reached out, placing his finger beneath my chin and gently tilted it up so our eyes met.
“It’s the polar opposite, Val. That’s the part you have to understand.
What you experienced was a thief taking your power and calling it love.
What I am talking about is a gift. It’s deliberate, negotiated, and a fully consensual exchange of power.
The submissive is the one who holds the true power. ”
His eyes were intensely focused, pleading with me to trust him and to be able to see the difference. Summer would probably insist he was trying to guilt me into taking this step, but I didn’t feel any alarms going off.
I had never taken the time to dig in and research power dynamics.
Everything I saw was mostly surface level, pictures others shared and the captions they included.
What I did know? It was all beautiful. The energy between the couples in the images could be felt through the screen and I had always hoped one day that same energy would find me, too.
Perhaps, Kaden and I could develop our relationship on different levels as we explored together. There was already a massive magnetic energy field between us after only one night. What could things look like in a month or six?
I had heard of people reading dark romance because it allowed them to explore the themes of power, protection, and dominance in a safe and fictional space.
They got the thrill without the risk, and even while sometimes the stories were unconventional, messed up, and seemingly the opposite of what the BDSM lifestyle is all about, it seemed to be healing for so many.
If a fictional story can be healing, then why couldn’t I trust that the real thing could be as well?
Almost as if he could read my mind, Kaden interrupted my thoughts.
“I know people who have healed massive amounts of trauma from past abusive relationships through finding healthy dynamics. They get to safely explore the feeling of letting go of control and giving the reins to someone they trust completely, someone who is ethically bound to put their needs first. They take back the power from their past by choosing exactly when, and how, they submit. It gives them a complete reset.”
Everything he said made complete sense. I chewed on my lower lip, considering the idea even though he hadn’t specifically said he would like to go this route with me.
“You said you’ve always wanted to collar someone.
” The words didn’t make me feel uncomfortable like I had expected. “What does it mean to you?”
He lifted his hand and brushed a stray strand of sweat-damp hair from my cheek.
“It means devotion; it’s a promise. A collar is an external symbol of a deeply personal commitment to a dynamic.
” He smiled the more he talked about it.
“It means the person is claimed, protected and cherished under rules which have been agreed upon by both of us.” He coughed and cleared his throat.
“I mean agreed upon by both parties involved. It’s a commitment of care and responsibility from the dominant, and the ultimate act of trust from the submissive. ”
I couldn’t help but giggle at his slip, and then the clarification that he wasn’t specifically referring to us as if I had already agreed.
It was cute. I took his hand and he rubbed his thumb over my knuckles.
His touch was so gentle and tender. It was the opposite of what impact could look like, yet both were part of the same man.
He could be both rough and passionate, and during both instances he could care so much for his person.
I desperately want to be that person, especially with the way he had articulated all of this.
I didn’t feel like it was a game to him.
At one point my life was defined by a lack of control, of doing things without fear or consequences.
Once I experienced abuse, I went the opposite direction and suddenly felt a desperate need to grasp onto control fiercely.
Maybe I shouldn’t be fighting for control, but instead, learning how to safely let it go again in a controlled environment.
I met his gaze, my heart pounding. “I don’t need an answer now, Val. I was just answering your question.”
“No.” I stopped him. “Kaden, I know this all seems crazy. We’ve only known each other for a short time, but for some reason I already trust you.
You make me do things, or want to do things, I wouldn’t have ever done with anyone else.
I want to see and experience what you refer to as your darkness and maybe it will become a light for both of us.
” I smiled, a million different emotions flooding in. “Where do we start?”
His expression shifted from intense worry to softened relief.
He didn’t immediately rush at me and pull me into him, he simply smiled and nodded his head in understanding.
“We start with research, communication, and understanding your boundaries. Every step of the way, we are going to do this together.”