36. Chapter Thirty-six
Chapter Thirty-six
Shira
I wouldn’t allow myself to feel giddy about Roman coming home today. Relieved, yes. My due date was swiftly approaching and having him so far away had been a constant point of worry in the back of my mind. I needed him to be here when Beanie came.
I’d missed him too, of course. We’d become close friends on top of being lovers, and I liked knowing he was right next door—though, lately, we’d ended up sleeping in the same bed more often than not.
Kit knocked on my open office door. She was still on maternity leave but had popped in to get a few things done. She’d brought Brooke with her, who was currently hanging out with Elliot in his office down the hall.
“I’m going to head home. Joey has a recital in her preschool dance class, so I have to tame her mop into a bun. I wish I could take you home with me. You always have the best buns.”
That made me smile. Joey was absolutely adorable, but she really did have a whole lot of hair for being such a tiny little girl. “I would volunteer, but Roman’s coming home today.”
“Ah.” She slinked into my office and perched on the chair across from mine. “How are things with Roman? I feel so out of the loop these days.”
“I talk to you almost every day.”
“I know, but we don’t gossip. Chatting in the break room is the best part of having a job.”
I tilted my head. “I thought it was the fulfillment of providing a permanent home to families?”
“That too. It’s, like, fifty-fifty.”
I laughed. “You know, I have to agree. When I left GoldMed, the thing I missed most was my lunch meetings that were really just scheduled socializing.”
She waved me off. “You’re avoiding my question. How’s it going with Roman?”
“Great, actually. I think we’ll work well as co-parents.”
Her brow pinched. “Co-parents? I thought you were…I mean, from what I saw in Breckinridge, I assumed it was more. You’re not together?”
“We’re not. I’m sorry if that destroys some romantic notion you had. We’re friends.”
She cast a dubious glance at me. “You and I are friends. You and Roman are more than that. But if that’s your story, stick to it for as long as you need to.”
“We have nothing in common except the baby,” I argued.
Kit shrugged. “And Elliot used to be so intolerable as a boss, I wrote snarky little notes about him and stuck them in my tampon box. I’ve found the most wonderful things in life are the ones you don’t see coming. I let myself fall in love with Elliot, and now I have my Josephine, Theo, and Brookie. We built a whole little world.”
“I’m happy for you—”
“Just don’t close yourself off, Shir. I saw how Roman looked at you, and I recognized it very well.”
A tiny cry sounded outside my door, and a moment later, Elliot appeared, holding Brooke with her little pink fists raised.
“I held her off as long as I could, but you know I can’t take it when she cries.”
Kit slipped out of her chair and took her fussing baby from her husband. “Are you hungry?” she cooed as her daughter slammed her head into her chest and rooted around. “I think you are. Let’s feed you then go home to tame your sister’s hair.”
Elliot wound his arm around her shoulders and tucked her into his side, guiding her toward the luxe pumping room he’d designed for her when she’d had her first baby. At the last moment, Kit glanced back at me and waggled her eyebrows.
I imagined she was saying, “See? You could have something just like this.”
And they were so beautiful together I let myself daydream what it would be like if Roman and I were like Elliot and Kit.
Only for a minute or two.
Roman: Just got in. Come over when you’re done with work.
I wasn’t giddy. That wasn’t what this buzzing beneath my skin was. Nor the fluttering of my heart. Those were probably alarming pregnancy symptoms I should have reported to my doctor—not a side-effect of being on my way to see Roman for the first time in eight days.
I forced myself to go to my house before I went to his. Mary yowled at me the second I walked in the door, and I wondered if Roman had already been by to see her.
“Did you have a visitor, my love?”
My girl was sensitive to change. Lately, when I came home, she leaped onto the arm of the couch so I didn’t have to bend down to pick her up. With Mary in my arms, I wandered into the kitchen, pouring a drink to kill some time.
“I’ll just wait a few more minutes before I go over there. He just got off a plane. He probably needs to decompress. I need to decompress.”
Mary pressed her paws into my chest and started making biscuits while purring. On top of the perch she now had to sit on, she seemed to love all the new padding my body had grown, and I didn’t mind all the extra snuggles she’d been giving me lately.
“Maybe I should go change. Then again, all he sees me in is lounge clothes, and I like this dress.”
“Reooowww,” Mary replied.
“Exactly.”
I lasted until Mary was finished making biscuits and squirmed out of my arms. Once she was off bathing in the last sliver of sunlight, I had no more reasons to stall.
With my heart jammed in my throat, I locked my door behind me and started down the sidewalk to Roman’s house. I made it to his front gate when his door opened and a lithe brunette stepped out. Roman was right behind her, laughing at something she said.
When she wrapped her arms around his neck and he reciprocated, I had to grab hold of the gate so I didn’t fall over. I must have made some kind of noise since they both swung around to face me.
“Shira,” Roman called. “You’re here.”
I nodded, too flustered to say anything. Now that I saw her face, I recognized the woman from the auction. Had he been seeing her this whole time?
“Oh, wow, this is Shira.” The brunette was down the porch steps and in front of me before I could react. She grinned at my belly, stopping just short of reaching for it. “I was just dropping off a baby present. I can’t wait to see the little guy in person. I’m so excited.”
“Oh.” I swallowed hard. Roman was approaching us, but I couldn’t look at him.
He stopped beside me, gently touching my shoulder. “Shira, this is Rosalie. I think you two might’ve met at the auction.”
“We didn’t formally meet,” Rosalie supplied.
“Ah well, those functions are always a blur,” Roman replied, which was funny because I remembered that night clearly. I remembered the two of them laughing together and sitting beside each other during the presentations. And what came after. Roman’s mouth on me, his insatiable need to bring me pleasure. For me, that night had been marked something important. For him, it was a blur.
“It’s nice to meet you, Rosalie.” I tucked my hair behind my ear. “I’ll let you guys have your privacy. See you later.”
Then I spun around and raced back to my house as quickly as my legs would carry me. It wasn’t fast enough. Roman caught my elbow before I could even put one foot on my porch.
“Where are you going?” He sounded bemused rather than guilty. But I supposed he had nothing to be guilty about since he hadn’t done anything wrong.
I refused to turn my head to look at him. If I did, I would burst into tears, and that simply wasn’t going to happen. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt something. You can go back to her.”
“Shira, look at me. What are you talking about? Why did you run away?”
“Like I said, I’m giving you privacy with your…with Rosalie. Enjoy your evening.”
Somehow, I slipped free from him and made it to my door, but he was nipping at my heels when I let myself inside. I just wanted to drown in this wave of sadness on the verge of breaking over me, and I wanted to be alone when that happened. Roman seemed to have other plans.
“Shira, look at me,” he demanded, though not angrily. I sensed he was being careful with me. It was so very Roman it made this all the worse.
I lifted my gaze, knowing he would see the sheen blurring my eyes. “Please, just go. We can talk about this later.”
His brow dropped. “What do you think is happening? I’m trying to understand why you would think I need privacy with Rosalie.”
I shook my head, unable to say the bitterly obvious words.
He cocked his head as he frowned at me. “Do you think I’m seeing her? And you’re what—bowing out so I can be alone with her? Is that what’s happening here?”
In order for this to end, I would have to speak. That much was obvious. “I don’t want to get in the way. I’m fine. You can go back home and be with her. We’ll have dinner and catch up another night.”
He stared at me for several thrashing beats of my heart. Then, grunting, he stalked past me into my kitchen. I turned, stunned to find him with his hands braced on the island, his head bowed low.
What was going on? Why wouldn’t he just go so I could begin to piece together how to survive and endure this?
Without warning, he straightened, pinning his gaze on me. “I’m not a cheater, Shira. The fact that you would accept that from me makes me unbearably sad.”
“I don’t think you’re a cheater,” I croaked. “We aren’t together—”
“We’re not together?” he barked harshly, making me jump. “How the fuck can you say that?”
“We aren’t.”
This, I knew for a fact. I might not have a ton of experience, but even I knew in order to be a couple with someone, a discussion had to come first. That had never happened. Roman and I had sex, but we weren’t a couple.
He blinked at me as if he found me to be a puzzle he couldn’t solve. “So us spending almost every night together means nothing. We eat breakfast and dinner together, spend our weekends together, fuck every chance we get—bare, might I add. We tell each other we miss each other when we’re apart and have shared deeply personal parts of ourselves. All of that means nothing?”
“It means a lot,” I replied. “But I understand you have a life outside of me and Beanie—”
“You are my life.”
He wasn’t yelling, but his anger was visceral, filling the room with thick, spiky air. I tried not to be afraid of him. Deep down, I knew he would never lay a violent hand on me. But my instincts told me to run, hide, and be quiet. That was my focus—not the words coming out of his mouth.
He started for me, slow, cautious. “Rosalie is Nate’s ex-girlfriend and a family friend. Even if you didn’t exist, I would never go there with her. But you do exist, and you have become everything to me. I’m in love with you, Shira. Don’t you feel even a fraction of the same for me?”
I clutched my belly, panic activating my limbs to flee. It was all I could do to stay rooted to the spot. “If not for Beanie, you never would have looked twice at me. You didn’t before you knew about him, and that’s fine. I knew what this was from the start.”
He stopped where he was, several feet from me. I could only bear to look at him in my periphery, but I didn’t miss the way his entire body jerked like I’d struck him.
“What are you doing ?” he hissed.
“Isn’t it true? You’re standing here because of the baby, not me.”
His hands balled at his sides. “That’s true, I am. We both know you never would have let me into your home if our baby didn’t exist, so your accusation is a two-way street. But for you to think I’m in your bed every night because of our son insults everything we’ve shared. I’ve spent the last few months falling deeply in love with you, and you’re ready to shove me out the door to be with another woman. What is that, Shira?”
Deeply in love? That couldn’t be right. He might have thought he loved me, but he had to be mixing up his feelings for the baby with feelings for me. There was no way this beautiful man truly wanted me . A woman like me lived within certain parameters, and that would go well beyond that—so far, it was unimaginable.
“You don’t love me. I think once the baby is here, you’ll see that,” I whispered.
He raked his fingers through his hair with vicious force. “Is it not good enough? Is that why you can’t feel it? I thought I was showing you, but maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. This is new for me, but fuck, I thought I was doing a good job. Now, I don’t know. I’m feeling a little lost here. I can’t think of how to love you harder other than cutting my heart out and showing you your name carved in every chamber. But what if that’s not enough?”
My ears were ringing with alarm bells. I shook my head to try to clear it, but a wave of dizziness struck me. Reaching out blindly, I braced myself on the wall beside me.
“Shira.” Roman rushed to me and guided me to the couch. He sank down next to me, taking my face in his hands. “Are you okay? You’re pale.”
“I’m fine. Please don’t worry. It’s been a long day, and now this…I think I just needed to sit down.” Tears slipped past my defenses, streaming down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Roman.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. I’m the one who wasn’t loving you well. If I had been, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying. You’d be in my arms after eight goddamn days out of them. I just need to know what more I can do to keep you.”
A sob racked through my body at his defeat. I hadn’t meant to do this to him, but I couldn’t let myself believe any of it was real. Roman Wells didn’t happen to me. That wasn’t my lot in life. That had always been okay. I’d never even considered wanting someone like him. But now that he was here, I couldn’t reach out and grasp him, not even when his arms were outstretched, begging me to.
He was as gentle as could be, wiping my tears and stroking my hair, and it was too much. My mind rebelled against the idea that Roman could be mine, and if he wasn’t mine, I had to get away from him until my defenses were fortified again.
“I need to be alone,” I said softly.
“No,” he croaked. “I need to fix this.”
“There’s nothing to fix. I have to think, all right? We can talk tomorrow.”
His hands fell away. “I came back here for you.”
My lids fluttered closed as I nodded. “Beanie’s doing well. He’s had the hiccups a lot lately. I read that’s part of practice breathing, which is amazing.”
“For you, Shira.” His sigh was heavy. “I’ll be back in the morning for Mary.”
His exit was quiet, barely a whisper. Another sob ripped through me as his keys turned the locks from outside, taking care of me even after everything.
Beanie kicked me, reminding me he was there. I placed my palm where his foot was pressing against me, wishing Roman was beside me, feeling this along with me.
“What did I do? And how do I make it better?”