Chapter 10 Avery
CHAPTER TEN
Avery
I brushed the pastel pink acrylic paint over my cotton canvas, working in broad strokes as I covered the entire piece. Rock music blasted through my studio and I hummed along, completely zoned out as I focused on my art.
This was my favorite place to be in the world. In my studio, listening to music, and painting a piece I’d been planning for a couple weeks.
This one was going to be a massive bright landscape with cacti in bloom and a couple at the center, I just wasn’t sure who the couple would be yet. It’d be awhile until I got to them though.
For now, I had the shapes blocked out in pencil beneath the glaze layers and worked the pink around them. Usually, I was totally caught up in painting while I worked, but today my mind wandered to a place it shouldn’t.
Mateo and Levi.
Especially Mateo, at least at the moment.
Since we spoke yesterday, his words had yet to leave me.
We hadn’t texted each other since then, which made things feel worse.
I chatted with him almost as much as I did June and Evie.
Not texting him to tell him about my burned dinner last night or how I’d found a scorpion in my shoe had been excruciating, but I wanted to hear from him.
It’d been a long time since I’d had sex.
Even longer since I dated someone. Since moving back to Whynot, my love life had been nonexistent.
Getting over Kevin and healing from that heartbreak had been important.
But then, pining over Mateo while telling myself he was just a friend had become my default state of existence.
So, what the hell was I supposed to do now?
Kiss him? Take him on a date? Roll around in bed with him? Tell him I want him to tie me up and put me on my knees with a ball gag?
This wasn’t a get him out of my system sort of attraction, though. I knew if we started something, it would either be the greatest thing in the world, or we’d fuck up and I’d have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life.
Taking the chance felt too risky. Not to mention, my brothers would lose their minds. Hell, everyone would. We’d be picked apart by the whole town of Whynot. I didn’t like the idea of being scrutinized in that way.
The fact that Kevin had been Austin and Dallas’ friend certainly didn’t help anything. If Mateo and I started dating, they would have issues with us. It wasn’t fair to Mateo to put him in that position.
You’re getting ahead of yourself.
I wrinkled my nose as I dipped the brush in paint and spread more on the canvas, drawing in soothing breaths and releasing them as if I were meditating.
The plan had been to forget about the world and make art for the next few hours.
But it was looking like I’d paint for a few hours and forget everything in the world except the hot firefighter and hot hockey player.
Or ex-hockey player, if what Evie said was true.
Was that why he was back in Whynot? I remembered the last time Levi visited a few years ago, for his father’s funeral. The two were never close, but he’d still flown down, and I remembered it because it was right before I left for the University of Texas. He hadn’t even seen me, but I’d seen him.
I’d never really known his dad. I knew he was a hard-ass.
I knew they didn’t get along, and also knew my dad and brothers didn’t like him much.
More than once, Austin had argued with Mr. Rayburn.
And truly, Austin was one of the worst people in the world to argue with.
That son of a gun was worse than me when he was pissed.
The only other thing I really knew about Levi’s family was that his mom lived in Minnesota, which was why he’d gone back and forth as a kid. Trapped in this hellish heat during the summer with his dad, he stayed at our house more often than not.
It all felt like so long ago. A different time. I’d felt so invincible back then. It’d been a lot easier when my dad was alive. He always made me feel like I could conquer anything in my life because he’d conquered everything in his.
Except for the heart attack.
I paused my painting and straightened my spine, uncurling myself so I didn’t turn into a shrimp. Tears pricked my eyes. I was alone, so I didn’t hold them back.
The rest of the town and my family needed to know I was reliable. Still invincible.
But here in this studio, surrounded by art that was just for me—full of all my sadness and happiness and desires—I could cry. My vision blurred as I loaded the paintbrush again and continued working.
There were no words to describe the loss a community felt when someone so bright left it. The thing about brightness like that was that so often, it made you unable to see other things.
As an adult, I knew now that my dad had faked a lot of his perfection.
My brothers and I had discovered the hard way that a lot of the finances were tangled between the businesses he owned.
That he was behind on taxes. That the house we grew up in was on a loan that should have been paid off a long time ago.
The truck he’d bought for Austin’s sixteenth birthday had been a splurge he couldn’t really afford.
My tuition he’d so graciously paid for was something he never should have committed to.
It’d been a nasty wake up call.
Our mother hadn’t known, of course. She’d never been involved in any of that. I wished that she would have been, but she’d always deferred to him.
As much as I loved my parents, their relationship had never been the blueprint I wanted for my own. At the end of the day, they loved each other though, and for that I could be thankful that they raised me.
Even if my mother would never really understand me.
To be fair, I’d never really understood her. I would never be the perfect daughter to her. If I would have gone on to be a doctor or lawyer, she might have loved me a lot more. But art was part of my soul. I couldn’t not create it.
My phone buzzed in my apron pocket and I placed my paintbrush down on the palette. I answered without looking.
“Hello?”
“Hey.” Dallas’ voice surprised me. I immediately raised a brow. He rarely called. “What are you doing?”
“Working.” I narrowed my eyes. I was suspicious. “I’m painting.”
“Got it.”
“Why?”
“Just curious. I’m about to go pick up Levi’s car and take it back to the shop, and wondered if you were with him.”
Why in the hell would he wonder that? My nostrils flared. Had Austin said something? Knowing him, probably. “Nope. I’d make a bet Austin’s got him tied to his hip now. How about you call him up?”
Dallas chuckled and then let out a long sigh. Sometimes when he sighed like that, it reminded me of our dad. “I was just checking on you. You’ve been distant lately.”
“I literally saw you last Sunday.”
“Yeah, and? That was family dinner. We’re always there unless someone is sick. I meant aside from that.”
My throat thickened and I stood up, stretching from side to side. “I’ve been busy.”
“Busy with what?”
“None of your business,” I snapped. “God, y’all are always up my ass. You and Austin are pests.”
“I’m just checking on you.”
“No, you’re fishing,” I said. “You act like you’re just a bookworm car guy, but you like gossip more than Mom does.”
He feigned a scoff, but I could hear the hint of amusement. “All right, all right. Acting like it’s a crime for your older brother to call you.”
“Dallas,” I growled.
“Fine,” he sighed. “Jesus. I’ll leave you be . . . Want to get lunch tomorrow?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I guess. Nothing in town sounds good, though.”
“We could make the drive somewhere.”
I narrowed my eyes, torn between being suspicious and genuinely feeling worried about Dallas. It was rare he asked for one-on-one time, and when he did, that usually meant something was on his mind.
“How about I make lunch?” I offered.
“Absolutely not. Your cooking is horrible.”
Now, it was my turn to scoff. “Okay, well, you cook then.”
“All right, I will. Lunch tomorrow at my place.”
“And try not to poison me. The last thing I need is to be shitting for the next week because you didn’t cook something right.”
“That only happened once.”
“Once was more than enough.” I wrinkled my nose, thinking about the time Dallas had offered to cook family dinner and gave us all food poisoning.
I’d sent him a Venmo request for ginger ale and meds afterwards, along with “fuck your cooking forever” in the memo.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh, can you do me a favor? ”
“Sure.”
“Can you tell Austin to lay the fuck off when it comes to my romantic life?”
“Nope. See you tomorrow.”
He hung up before I could protest.
What a bastard.
I was starting to dream of the day Austin or Dallas fell in love with someone, because then I’d be able to give them equal amounts of shit.
I was saving up years worth of frustration for them.
I’d never take it out on their partners, of course—but I was yearning for the day I could wreak havoc on them.
Out of love.
I groaned and sat back down on my stool, glowering at my canvas.
The pink was drying into a nice shade, one I could build on well. My gaze swept around my studio and I stood up, giving myself a moment to take a walk around. A lot of the art in this room was locked away for very specific reasons.
One, they were personal.
Two, they were kinky as fuck.
Paintings of women with rope wrapping around their bodies on full, glorious display. Couples and throuples grinding together, kissing, fucking. One of my personal favorites was of a woman wearing a ball gag with spit dripping down her chin, her eyes full of pure submission.
A lot of people had misunderstandings about submission. They thought it was disgusting, taking women back decades. Why would you ever submit to a man?
It was never about that. It was about trust. It was about knowing I could trust someone so wholeheartedly that they could put me on my knees and make me beg for them. It was knowing they respected me enough to fulfill my desires in a consensual, healthy way.
But if anyone aside from myself ever saw these, I’d be banned from the town. Small town darling turned deviant slut.
A text buzzed on my phone and I pulled it from my pocket.
Mateo: I’m sorry I was weird yesterday
He was joking, right? My jaw stiffened, my fingers moving rapidly as I shot a message back.
Weird??? That’s what you’re going with? Don’t act like what you said was less than what it was
Mateo: I shouldn’t have said anything.
Now, I was seeing red.
Well, too late for that.
You did say something and now I’ve been sitting here wondering what it would be like
Mateo: You know we can’t get involved
Mateo: I’m sorry, Avery.
Tell me you don’t want me then
Silence. I stared at my phone, waiting for him to text back. I could see that he’d read the message, for god’s sake.
I know where you live. So either answer me here, or I’ll show up on your doorstep after you get off work
You can’t hide from me, hotshot.
Mateo: Dammit, Avery.
Well?
Mateo: Got to go
You’re a coward
He left me on read. I threw my hands up and damn near chucked my phone across the studio.
I was cursed. That was the only answer. Cursed to live and die alone and to become an eccentric artist. I dropped my phone back into my pocket and picked up my paintbrush again, now truly good and pissed.
This was exactly why we couldn’t date, though. Things were bound to get messy. Even now, it’d be awkward for a few days while I worked through being angry at him.
My phone beeped again. I kept painting, trying to ignore it. Shoving away the constant temptation to check it.
I lost that battle.
I pulled it out and stared at the screen.
Mateo: I could never tell you I don’t want you, Avery