Chapter 37 Levi
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Levi
I knelt down in the dirt as I angled my lens, holding my breath as I tried not to move. A Montezuma quail perched just a few feet away from me, the high desert mountains rising up behind it, sunlight haloing his mottled feathers. The little guy was entirely too cute for his own good.
I’d woken up early so I could get out to the Davis Mountains before the sun came up.
I wasn’t the only soul in the park, but it felt like it.
I’d only spotted the occasional ranger and then an ambitious couple hiking down the trail together.
My backpack was packed with snacks, water, and a first aid kit just in case.
I’d sent Mateo and Avery a good morning text to let them know I was shooting pictures today.
I snapped a few shots, my muscles straining as I tried to stay still. With all of the physical challenges hockey had, I was finding that photography had its own set of them. Sometimes if there was an angle I envisioned, I had to twist a certain way to get it.
Worth it. I got a few more pictures and then raised my gaze, smiling as I took in the scenery.
I still wasn’t sure I was any good at this. But, when I was taking pictures and out in nature, I felt a sense of happiness. Of peace. And since my time here was winding down, I wanted to try to savor it.
My knees protested as I got up and stretched. The quail darted away and I chuckled as it disappeared into the shrubs that dotted the slope.
Maybe I was already adapting to the heat again, but it wasn’t even eighty-five out yet, and it felt cool. I held up my camera, looking through the lens and scanning everything, snapping more pictures.
I wished this could be my life.
Why can’t it be? That was the thought that was plaguing me.
Beyond Mateo and Avery, I was discovering just how much I loved this place. It was different from how I remembered it growing up. If anything, it was more boring in some ways. Quaint. Quiet.
And I loved that.
I loved the people. Even the old cranky lady that shot me a dirty look every time she saw me in town. I loved how everyone was in each other’s business, even though that was inconvenient. I loved the landscapes and the beauty of the Chihuahuan desert.
It felt right.
But was it?
My phone rattled in my pocket and I pulled it out absentmindedly, answering as I kept my gaze trained on the clouds that were turning a shade of blushing pink that reminded me of Avery.
“Hello?”
“Levi.”
Dammit. I swallowed hard and looked down at my feet. This was what I got for not looking at my screen before answering.
“Mom,” I said. “How’s it going?”
She let out that sigh. The mom sigh. The disappointed one. It activated some sort of wall inside me, every brick going up in place as I tried to navigate whatever the hell she was about to say.
It wasn’t that she and I were on bad terms. We’d never been on bad terms before. That would require her caring about me outside of the small parts of her life she included me in.
“How about you tell me? You know, I’m shocked you even picked up. I’ve been calling. Texting.”
“Sorry I missed you. I’ve been keeping my phone off. It’s been a lot lately.” I hesitated, rubbing the back of my neck. “I guess you saw the news.”
“I did. Weeks ago. Then couldn’t get a hold of you.”
Well, fuck. “I’m sorry. I’m doing fine.”
“Did something happen?”
“Not exactly.” I pressed my lips together, looking back out at the mountains. They grounded me. And my words flowed out before my thoughts caught up. “I just . . . I don’t want it anymore.”
The silence was deafening.
“What do you mean, you don’t want it anymore?”
So she was definitely not going to be in support of me retiring from the league. That much was clear. I’d guessed she might react this way, but it still stung.
“I’m burned out,” I said firmly. “I’m sick of social media. I’m sick of the pressure. I’m tired of eating like a machine. I’m tired of having to train. My body hurts all the time.”
“Well, I hate to break it to you, kid, but that’s part of getting older.”
“It goes beyond that.” My jaw tightened. “Did you call me just to berate me?”
“I called you to try to talk some sense into you. I heard you’re in Texas, of all places. Whynot? What the hell is in Whynot?”
“Well, it was my home in the summers.” While you remarried and had two other kids you loved and didn’t get annoyed by.
“But your home is up here. You could have visited me. You never do. And if you didn’t want to see me, you could have gone to the lake house. Going back to the middle of nowhere, to where your dad used to be, just seems unlike you.”
I understood that it probably hurt a little to know I’d picked coming out here over visiting her. If I were my own absent parent, maybe I’d be confused too.
“I needed to escape. I’ve met a couple of people here . . .”
I trailed off, thinking about Mateo and Avery.
How did I describe that to her? That I was polyamorous?
That I’d met two people I was thinking about moving to Texas for?
That I was very much considering ignoring my agent for the rest of my life and fading into nonexistence?
That maybe, just maybe, the idea of calling Texas home made me feel excited.
“I don’t know. I’m kind of thinking about moving to Texas.” My voice was a soft whisper, like I was confessing something. In a way, I was. I hadn’t said this to anyone. “Why not?”
Her laugh was grating. “You can’t be serious. Surely not, Levi. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are. The countless hours I put in taking you to practice. Driving you to games. Spending money on your gear.”
“This isn’t about you, though,” I said. “It’s not about you having a hockey star for a son. It’s about you having a son who is happy.”
More silence. Long enough that I started to wonder if the cell service had dropped. Hell, I kind of hoped it had—
“All right, I’m sorry. I’m coming on a little strong, aren’t I?”
“A little,” I said tightly.
“I’m sorry. I was worried about you and when I didn’t hear from you, I started to worry even more.”
“I really am sorry about that,” I said. “I didn’t mean to ignore you. I’ve just been having a hard time. I’ve been ignoring almost everyone. Even my agent.”
She laughed. “Oh god. I’m sure she hates that.”
“She does. She’s threatened to drag me back to Minnesota if I try to stay.”
“Wouldn’t put it past her.” She let out a long sigh. “Listen. You’ve worked for years for this, Levi. And we both know most hockey players are out before forty. You’re so close to that. You could ride it out for the next couple years and get those sponsorships. Set yourself up for the future.”
“I’ve got plenty of money already,” I said. “And I’ve been smart with it.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to do something you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”
The question wasn’t if I’d regret walking away from my career—it was if I would regret letting Avery and Mateo go.
“I met someone,” I whispered. “Two someones.”
“Two?”
“Yeah.”
“Like two people you’re interested in?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Well. If it’s meant to be, they’ll still be there when you finish your career out. And if it’s meant to be, they’ll understand.”
That didn’t help at all. I closed my eyes. “I’ve got to go, Mom. I’m at a park taking pictures.”
She hummed. “All right. Well, I love you. Whatever you decide.”
“Thanks,” I muttered. “Love you too.”
I hung up and stared at my phone.
A text from Avery popped up.
Avery: Good morning, Mr. Sexy Broody Man. Don’t forget the dinner is tonight with everyone at my place :) You should stay over after. Mateo too . . .
I’ll be there ;)
I wanted to soak up every second I could with her and Mateo before Monday.