CHAPTER 25
brEVAN
This is the sixth time that I’ve bolted upright out of bed at Corwin’s alarm. It’s the absolute most grating sound. I can feel it down my spine.
“I’m not going to miss that,” Xile mutters, burying themself under their mountain of blankets.
I rub my hand over my face. Me either. Corwin laughs sleepily after he turns it off.
“I can’t believe we’re leaving today,” Xile says, sighing. “It wasn’t a short trip, but it feels like it ended far too soon.”
“It did,” I agree.
“We’re not hopping on a plane yet,” Corwin says. “We have the whole day today, and it’s going to be around a pool or something. Remember that Miss Horship told us to pack our bathing suits and quick-dry towels in our carry-on.”
“It’s too cold for a pool,” Xile says.
“You didn’t do any research, did you?” Corwin asks, laughing. “Hot springs. Like a natural hot tub.”
“Yeah, but you have to get cold on either side of getting warm.”
“You didn’t get into the hot tub while we’ve been here?” I ask.
Xile peeks out to look at me. “No. Did you?”
I nod. “Once. It’s lovely to watch the mountains while in the hot bubbles.”
Silence meets my statement, and I think maybe I’ve given away that I’ve been sleeping with Kendrick. No, I remind myself. Enjoying a hot tub with someone doesn’t mean we had sex in it. I’ve shared a hot tub with strangers at a hotel and have never had sex with them.
Some of my teammates, on the other hand are a different story. No, no. I don’t mean I’ve had sex with my teammates. They’ve had sex with strangers we’ve met in the hot tub.
Okay, I’m not awake yet if I’m correcting my own thoughts.
“When did you do that?” Corwin asks.
I can hear him loading the woodstove to relight the fire. Probably not a big fire. We voted to get up early this morning and pack instead of coming back early last night to pack.
“I don’t know. A few days ago. When everyone went… somewhere.”
“You didn’t explore with us much,” Xile says.
I might have if I didn’t feel uncomfortable around Anna and Philomena. They apologized, yes, but how do you really trust someone’s apology when you overhear them saying you’re stupid? Do they truly mean their apology, or are they sorry for being overheard?
This isn’t information I volunteer. I can’t think of a reason that I can offer them, though. Wanting to spend time with Kendrick seems a little too… open for questions. We didn’t necessarily agree to keep everything quiet, but I think it’s obvious, right? We must be breaking all kinds of rules.
“I didn’t,” I agree.
Xile shifts more, so they can look at me clearly. “Why?”
I sigh.
“Don’t push him, Xile,” Corwin says.
“I’m not. Not really. Did someone make you uncomfortable?”
“That’s pushing,” Corwin says. His head pops up over the ladder. “Whatever reason you have, that’s cool.”
I feel like I need to say something, but I’m not sure how to say something without it being a lie, since I don’t feel like I can or should share either of the reasons. “Yes, I have a reason, but I don’t want to share it. I’m sorry.”
“That’s cool,” Corwin says.
Xile sits up, wrapping their blankets around them. “I’m not trying to push, but I need to make sure I’m not the reason.”
My eyebrows knit together as I study them. “No. Of course not. Why would you think that?”
They give me a smile. “Because sometimes I wrap my arm through yours without asking or sit really close. Maybe I’ll say something that makes you uncomfortable. I’m teasing, though there’s a hint of truth to it. But I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
I shake my head. “You haven’t made me uncomfortable.
” I’m not even sure what they’re referring to.
Yes, they sit close and hold my arm like a date sometimes, but that’s okay.
People do that all the time. There’s something about me that makes others want to cuddle up, and I like that because I don’t get cuddles often.
“Good. That’s what I was fishing for when I was pushing. I just wanted to make sure I’m not the reason you didn’t want to hang out with us.”
“You’re not,” I assure them.
“The chill in the air is gone,” Corwin says as he retreats from the loft. “Get your lazy asses up. We can’t be late.”
“I’d be completely bummed if they left me here,” Xile says.
I grin and push myself up. I didn’t bring much to the loft, but I gather my charger, the power converter, and the few other items before making my way down the ladder. Stepping around the corner, I’m greeted with the view of the mountains.
Sighing, I say, “I’m going to miss waking up to this every day.”
“Same, bro,” Corwin says. “My new life goal is to be able to afford a place with a beautiful view like this. It doesn’t have to be mountains since there are tons of different environments that offer breathtaking views, but I need to have a stunning view.”
“Right? Not just looking out my windows and seeing neighbors on all sides,” Xile says.
“Absolutely,” I agree.
It honestly doesn’t take us long to pack up. Since all my clothes were folded to fit into my suitcase, that’s how I try to get my dirty clothes back in. It seems to work all right.
“Make sure you’re keeping out your sneakers,” Corwin reminds us. “Put them in your carry-on so you can change into them at the airport.”
“Ohh, good call. Thanks,” Xile says, and I watch as they dig through their suitcase to find them.
Since we’re going to the hot springs, I also grab my sandals. I’m not a fan of bare feet on the ground. Then you’re putting dirty feet into socks and stuff. Ew.
Even after we get ready for the day, we still have forty minutes to lounge around and admire the mountains, so that’s what we do. Corwin lounges in his bed while Xile and I cuddle up close on the couch, and we talk about our trip.
Far too many times, the nights I spent with Kendrick are on the tip of my tongue. I realize just how difficult it’s going to be to keep it a secret when I get home and want to tell my friends. But I can’t. And I know that.
“I’m going to miss this,” Xile says.
“We already discussed that,” Corwin notes.
“No, I mean this. Cuddling up beside this big hunk.” Xile shimmies into my side, and I grin.
“We’re friends now. We can hang out and cuddle like this.”
“Oh yeah? You want to keep seeing me, big guy?” Xile teases.
Corwin sighs. “Be careful how you answer that, Brev.”
I look between the two of them. Not going to lie, I’m a little confused by Corwin’s comment. “I think it would be cool if we all hung out again sometime.”
Corwin gives me a smile. “Nicely done, my man.”
Xile rolls their eyes.
Right. Well… okay, then.
At ten minutes to eight, we head to the primary building. We drop our luggage off beside the ones already there and join the small group in the dining room. The last meal like this. I’m going to miss their food. RDU’s food isn’t awful by any means, but this has been delicious.
I’m also going to miss the easy camaraderie that our group has established. I might not choose to be around Anna and Philomena in a social environment, but I think they’ve proven to be good members of this team.
My eyes immediately lock onto Kendrick when he steps into the dining room to join us.
I love the way he looks at me, offering me a smile that I’m convinced is different from the one he gives everyone else.
I also love that he always grips my shoulder on the way by.
If anyone has noticed, no one has said anything.
We talk quietly, and I think everyone is a little sad about leaving. I’m glad when we climb into the bus to head for tóreargleei University so we can say goodbye to the new friends we’ve made. They’re waiting outside on the sidewalk as the shuttle bus pulls up.
Einar is at my side right away and hugs me tightly. “It’s been so fun getting to know you,” she says. “Can we stay in touch?”
“I’d like that.”
“Here,” she says, pulling away from me and fishing her phone out of her pocket. “Give me your number.”
I take her phone and tap it in, but it looks funny. “You have to add some code first,” I tell her, “but I don’t know what it is.”
“It’s okay. American phone numbers begin with a plus one or something. I’ll figure it out later when I send you a text.”
“Wait. Me too,” Aueur says as he joins us and pushes his phone into my hands. “Definitely want to stay in touch. I’m determined to see Rainbow Dorset for myself. Hopefully, you can give me a tour like we did here for you.”
“I graduate in May,” I remind him as I add my number to his phone.
“You can come back to give me a tour,” he says, grinning.
I watch Aueur as he programs my number, saving it under my name. I’m not sure why, but I really love that he doesn’t add something like RDU or Ambassador to my name. I’m just Brevan.
Once he puts his phone in his pocket, Aueur hugs me too. Then Einar joins us, and I smile widely… and maybe also steal some of their heat. The wind is cold again.
“It’s too bad we couldn’t schedule a solid three days just to tour you around Iceland,” Aueur says. “There’s still so much to show you. So many cool things I think you’ll enjoy.”
“Maybe I can come back someday.”
“If you do—”
“When you do,” Einar corrects Aueur.
“Right. I mean, when you do, make sure you look us up. We’ll give you all the epic tours,” Aueur says.
“We’ll even get Alexander to tour us around since he knows how every damn thing has been formed,” Einar says with a laugh.
“That would be great. I learned so much from him that I didn’t even know was possible. I didn’t realize black sand was made from volcanic rocks being pummeled by waves over years and years and years.”
“Water is dangerous. Arguably the most dangerous natural force, but that’s up for debate,” Einar says.
We don’t stay long. I say goodbye to everyone else and come back around to Aueur and Einar for another hug before climbing back onto the shuttle bus. I never thought I’d make friends on this trip. Certainly not from Iceland.
But then, my dad used to say that I could make friends anywhere.
All I needed was my smile and charmingly innocent personality.
I’m not entirely sure what he meant by that.
To this day, I’m not sure. Am I innocent?
Even at almost twenty-two? I don’t know, but I try to keep that innocent charm since Dad always seemed so fond of it. So proud.
It’s not often that I think about my parents, but as I stare out the window, alternating between admiring the view and watching Kendrick’s reflection, I wonder if my dad would be proud of me for having been selected to be an ambassador.
I think he would have. I think Mom and my grandparents would have. Cody was very excited for me.
Kendrick’s reflection smiles, and my stomach jumps. Would they be proud of me for seeing Kendrick? Would they approve?
Or would they be angry?
I’ve never given a romantic life much thought, which means I’ve never given my sexuality much thought, so I don’t know how my parents and grandparents would receive the announcement that I’m queer.
Since they’re all dead, I’m going to choose to believe that they’d still love me.
They’d support me. They’d be proud of the person I am.
I’m not sure I’m proud of the person I am, but there’s something about this trip that has me a little closer to feeling that pride.