His Sins #2
Sighing, I tugged at the sleeve of my ribbed black shirt, which had three buttons at the top that I had left open. I was wearing some ripped jeans with net tights under, paired with some black heeled boots.
I looked at the small plushie in my hand. Sparks… I wanted to go back to the graveyard, but I hadn’t been able to. Right then, I just need someone to talk to. He was the only real family I had. I was sure if he was there, he’d love me, right?
I heard snickering and looked up to see Owen smirking as he walked past me, smart enough not to push me.
Guess he learned his lesson last time. I ignored him and headed to the graveyard.
It was a dull day. I pushed open the small gate and made my way over to Renji’s grave.
I sat down on my knees before it and looked down at it. Like always, it was well-kept.
“Hello, Renji, I hope you’re okay… a lot’s happened since the last time I came here.
I’m sorry it took me so long since I promised to meet you…
but I wasn’t allowed to come… I’m sorry.
I wonder if Mom is with you now or not?” I asked softly, placing Sparks at the foot of the gravestone.
“Look, Sparks is back... he’s so happy to be here again.
” I smiled gently as a soft wind blew through my hair.
“I was going to reject Damon. We were going to do it. I chose Liam… but… he marked me forcefully… and I haven’t seen him since…
” I whispered, feeling my eyes prickle. “I don’t know what to feel.
At times I feel numb; at others, confused, upset, hurt…
I know what he did wasn’t right, but I also know that Helios’ curse isn’t something we can just ignore.
I’m worried about him. He’s in the cells, but I’m also…
scared….” I covered my face as the tears began flowing, and I sobbed quietly.
“I mention him, and everyone gets angry. Is it wrong that I want to talk to him? But I haven’t mind-linked him either… I… I’m scared… I just, I don’t want him to shut me out,” I whispered.
I loved him so, so much, but at the same time, I couldn’t just forget what he did. The darkness in him was strong, but wasn’t it the time to help him? The fear of what might happen was still there, but I was stronger than that.
Someone placed their hand on my shoulder, and I gasped, jerking away as I stared up at Nina. I had been so absorbed in my thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed her.
“Are you okay?” She asked with concern clear in her eyes. I nodded, wiping my tears quickly.
“Yes, I am,” I said, sniffling.
“You’re a strong woman, Raven. It’s all going to be okay,” she said, her eyes filled with confidence as she patted my back. I hoped so. Right then, I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m going to go. Thank you,” I said softly.
I stood up, and she nodded. I glanced at Renji’s grave, bidding him a silent farewell before I turned and left the graveyard. I walked along slowly, trying to make sense of my emotions, and remembered a conversation I had with Uncle El a few days ago when he had visited me at Damon’s…
“How do you feel? I mean, emotionally?” He asked, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he stood in front of the fireplace.
It was just the two of us. Damon was out, and although I wanted to return to the packhouse, it would mean I would have to face everyone. I looked down at my knees. How did I feel?
“Lost… sometimes I feel like I got this, I can do this… how it’s okay, I’m okay…”
“It’s not okay, and it’s all right to feel like that, Raven,” he said quietly.
“I think you need to stop trying to accept things and think deeply about what you want.” I stayed quiet, and he continued, “Where’s the confident Raven who was ready to own everything?
I want her back. I want her to consider her happiness above all.
This curse is not on you. If it’s meant to be broken, it will be.
We can do this, but it doesn’t mean you need to be sacrificed or influenced to make decisions because of it.
I want you to decide what you want without any external factors weighing on your decision.
Without you feeling guilty about this or that.
Until then, I want you to focus on yourself and nothing more.
No what if I do this, or it’s because of this. ” I nodded.
“I know, but we do know that the darkness of the curse played a factor.”
“It did, but it’s not an excuse. I love him, and I am there for him, but you need to stop justifying it. Think only about your feelings. Also… if Damon were to mark you, that mark could be removed.”
My eyes widened in shock as I stared up at him. Remove the mark…
“I know that removing it won’t undo the damage it has done mentally, but it can at least get it off you.”
I looked down. Right then, I didn’t know what I wanted.
Although I knew that I would eventually come to terms with it, I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I had already planned to let Damon go…
I wasn’t going to use him to remove the mark.
Right then, I felt like I didn’t want anyone… I didn’t want a man. I didn’t need one…
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said quietly.
I stared at the sky. Live for me… but to do that, I needed to get rid of the baggage from my life. All of it.
Alpha.
Raven? Uncle El replied.
I want Dad’s trial to be soon. I know it’s been delayed, but let’s not postpone it anymore.
Are you sure you’re ready?
I want to put this all behind me. I need this, I said quietly.
Very well. Your father’s will be tomorrow, and Liam’s, we will set it for two days after Haru’s. I knew Liam would eventually be trialled, too... but so soon?
Okay, I said, quietly cutting the link.
I knew what I wanted to do before then, what I needed to do.
Visit Liam.
Quickly, I switched routes, heading towards the pack headquarters before I changed my mind. I stopped at the entrance and looked at the guards.
“I wish to speak to Liam,” I said quietly, not missing the way they looked at my mark. My stomach churned, and I realised that what someone wore with pride had become something awful for me. Something to be leered and gawked at like a spectacle in a zoo. I moved my hair forward, covering it.
They opened the door, allowing me inside. Another guard escorted me through the halls, unlocking the next door and leading me to the cells. My heart thudded when we slowed down.
“Do you wish to talk from outside, miss, or inside?”
I don’t know…
“Outside is fine,” I said quietly, my stomach twisting.
I can’t do this… I can’t…
Breathe…
I stopped when I saw him sitting in one of the cells on the bed.
His eyes were closed, his back against the wall.
He looked as handsome as ever, dressed in a plain white tee and grey sweatpants.
His hair was falling in his eyes, and my chest squeezed.
The memory of him biting into my neck sent a shudder down my spine.
Was it the sane Liam or the dark Liam sitting there?
As if sensing me watching him, his eyes snapped open, and I stared at him, my heart racing.
I balled my fists in an attempt to stop shaking.
I waited as the guards opened up a small narrow square window in the impenetrable glass walls of the room.
I could hear his heart thundering through the opening.
His eyes locked with mine, and I realised I felt scared, sick, tense, broken, and anguished.
The very realisation made me step back. I saw the guilt in his eyes before he looked away.
I came here. But what am I here to say? I couldn’t do it… I thought I could…I…
He stood up and walked over to the window. His eyes, which were filled with a thousand emotions, met mine.
“I…” I couldn’t speak.
“Nothing I say can undo what I did, what I let my anger do. I shouldn’t have lost it… but I did, and look at the consequences,” he said quietly.
Not once did his gaze go to my neck, and through the bond, I could feel his anguish and his pain. I knew that dark Liam was in there… ready to take over at any moment.
With sudden clarity, I realised what I needed to do. Even if it hurt him a little, I needed to tell him the truth. My heart skipped a beat, and I looked at him, needing to get my thoughts out there.
“A woman wears the mark of her mate with pride and happiness. We want the world to know we are claimed and happy… I have dreamt of you marking me countless times… but never had I ever thought it would be like this,” I said quietly, trying to control the sadness in my voice.
It hurt telling him that, knowing that right then, it wasn’t the dark Liam I was talking to but the Liam who held no account of what he did.
It didn’t make this pain go away, though.
“I didn’t either. I can’t use the curse as an excuse… that’s like saying I got drunk and assaulted someone but since I don’t remember… I’m not at fault.”
I get that. This wasn’t just going to go away. It was going to take time.
“I let my anger and jealousy take over and jumped to assumptions the moment I saw that picture,” Liam said quietly. Picture?
“What picture?”
“It doesn’t matter, it was just something that was posted under my door. I don’t deserve you, and I can’t take back what I have done… but I can set you free.”
“What are you-”
“I, Liam Westwood, reje-”
“Stop it!” I shouted, my eyes blazing in anger and pain as I felt the pull at my chest. How could he? He closed his eyes, and all I felt was his agony, his fists trembling slightly.
“Raven, it’s for-”
“I said stop!” How dare he?! “Don’t make my decisions for me! Just… let me do what I want!” I shouted angrily. He frowned.
“You are better off without me,” he said quietly. “What I did was unforgivable. If we reject one another, it’s for the best.”
“I’ll reject you when I want to!” That was my decision to make, not his.
Yes, I’m hurting. Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m broken, but I still love him. Although I didn’t know what the future held... I would do things for my happiness… and make my decisions for myself. I would also break his curse, not for my mate, but for one of my best friends. The Liam from my childhood.
“Open the door,” I said to the guard.
He hesitated, but I didn’t care, glaring at him until he obliged. I stepped inside, and he shut it, watching us apprehensively.
“I know you have been jealous and angry at the entire situation, but Damon and I weren’t sneaking around that day.
We were about to reject one another,” I said quietly.
His eyes widened in shock as he stared at me as if seeing me for the first time.
The realisation of the truth sinking in was followed by a look of pure regret.
“Yeah…” I turned away. I could tell from just looking at him that he would always regret those actions of his, and the guilt would always remain.
“I am sorry... although it can do nothing to help the pain I’ve put you through,” he added quietly. I could hear him trying to stay strong, to make his voice sound emotionless, but I could hear it. Feel it…
I stared ahead, my heart squeezing painfully.
“Maybe someday I’ll be able to accept it, and I know that I’ll forgive you for it, but forgiveness and forgetting something are two different things.
” A part of me was telling me to stop, that I was hurting him, but I also knew I needed to do this for me, to share what I was feeling.
“I love you, Liam, and as your friend… I’ll be here for you, and we will work on this curse. ”
But more than that… I didn’t know… I really didn’t know. What I did know was that I needed to heal myself first. I needed to stop just tolerating and living with whatever I was given. I realised I wouldn’t be able to make anyone else happy if I, myself, wasn’t happy.
I looked back at him, at the man I loved. My chest squeezed painfully. I needed to stop thinking of him as the young Liam and see him for who he was, to see the goodness in him then and acknowledge his faults, too. Only then could I really make any kind of decision.
He didn’t speak. I walked out of the cell, each footstep echoing in my ears, the sound of our beating hearts and breathing loud in my ear.
We could have done things differently… I could have been firmer. I should never have strung Damon along when I was only hurting him. I knew deep down that he was only getting hurt, and in the process, it only pushed Liam further.
I needed to stop behaving like a child and face every obstacle in life, no matter how painful they were. I needed to, for me.
I ended up asking Taylor if he was free, and the both of us left the pack grounds with him deciding we needed drinks. I actually agreed. I thought it would be a nice break away from everything.
There we were on our… I was not sure what number bottle, and with plenty more to come. It was too early to find a club, so we had gone to a pub, and I knew a few of the people there were quite surprised that we were still sane after all that alcohol.
“… so, I gave Sparks back to him,” I finished, resting my cheek on my hand.
“Ah, baby girl, he is going to be happy. That’s created with so much love from his sister!” Taylor said, downing another glass. I thought we were both done for the day. The sun was setting too... How long have we been here?
“Yeah, and then, Nina saw me and told me I had this in control and comforted me… I wonder whom she’s lost there,” I said sadly.
“Nina the omega? That’s weird. She doesn’t have anyone there,” Taylor mused, scrunching his nose thoughtfully.
“Really? Well, then, I’m surprised that she takes such good care of it.”
“It’s maybe assigned to her.” Taylor shrugged, picking up an empty bottle.
“That’s empty,” I said with a small smile.
“I can’t drive... there are three of you right now…” Taylor grumbled, pouting cutely.
“I’ll tell someone to come to get us... shall I call Zack?” I teased. He blushed, his already flushed cheeks darkening.
“Call my sexy man…” He nodded. I smiled, mind-linking him, hoping we were still in range…
Twenty minutes later, we were in Taylor’s car, with Zack and Taylor in the front, and I was staring up at the dark sky from the back, my mind pondering over Nina.
I always saw her there. Surely there must be a reason…
by any chance, did she have a child that passed away?
She was an omega — getting pregnant by a pack member wasn’t unheard of.
My stomach twisted. Was it maybe a mated werewolf, or was there something more to it?
I knew I was just coming out with assumptions, but I promised myself that the next time I saw her, I’d ask her. Maybe she was hurting in silence…