Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
I never thought I’d become obsessed with someone like this. I look forward to arriving home after classes to find Caleb waiting for me.
Magnus asks why I rush off, why I’m always in a hurry.
I refuse to tell him why, but he has to know.
I may even run a little to get to my destination faster.
“You’re home,” Caleb says, his shirt off, his pants unzipped. His body is sprawled across the couch, wanton, completely needy.
I should hate this, but I don’t.
I crave it.
I stalk toward him, pulling my cock out and straddling his hips.
“You’re late,” he says softly as I lean down and let my lips slide along his neck. He shivers beneath me as I drag my hard cock up and down his abs.
“Why aren’t you already naked?” I ask, and Caleb moans.
“Next time, I will be.”
“Good boy,” I murmur, and he whines, arching his hips up for more friction. I give it to him, reaching between us and pulling him out of the confines of his boxers. His arms wrap around me as he shudders and shakes. Then I take us both into my hand, getting us off together.
This has become my favorite pastime.
“Whit,” he moans. “Whit, you feel so good.”
“So do you. You’re so fucking hot.”
“Oh god, so are you…” he moans, and then my lips find his. Our kiss is messy, wet, with far too many teeth, but I love it. I love everything about this.
Who knew? Not me.
When we fall apart together, our cum spilling onto his stomach, I find myself lingering, staying, not ready to run off just yet.
And as he lies there, he always runs his fingers through the mess we made, as if memorizing it, savoring it.
And it’s in these moments that I end up telling him a little more about myself.
“My favorite color is blue,” I say as his eyes flash to mine.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I say, my finger toying with his nipple ring.
“I thought it would be black.”
“No, that’s just my preference for clothing.”
“Ah,” he says and then slow-blinks at me, like a cat in the sun. “My favorite color is blue, too.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah. Reminds me of summer skies.”
I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and think of something else to tell him. “I like my coffee black with just a splash of cream.”
His eyes crinkle up at the corners. “Figured. I like mine with lots of sugar.”
“We’re opposites, you and me.”
His messy finger moves up to his lips, and he sucks the cum from it.
That makes my nostrils flare, my cock perking up again.
“But we work so good, don’t we, babe?”
Yes, yes, we do.
But it’s not always easy. I’m painfully aware that I’m not the most well-adjusted person. I told him this, and he still waits for me daily, still kisses me like he needs me to breathe.
But there’s that commitment looming over me, one that threatens to ruin everything, to tear the hope right from my chest.
It’s in those difficult moments that I pull away. I’m cold and distant, my voice nothing more than a whisper. Caleb notices it. I know he can. He stares at me longingly, searching for the man who holds him down and kisses the breath from him. But I just need space.
So I disappear.
In those moments, I find myself in my car in an empty parking lot or hiding in the library, my leg nervously bouncing under the table as I try to field questions from my mom and dad.
From Emily.
All of them want answers.
Eventually, I return home.
And when I do, Caleb pulls me into his arms, and his kisses bring me back to the present. Away from my future, the one carefully mapped out for me, the one I never chose.
It helps.
It quiets the noise in my head.
It soothes.
“I have a debate this weekend,” I say from my place on my chair. Caleb just returned home from the gym, his hat on backward, his nipple ring on display. Those tank tops should be illegal.
And he smells of sweat.
I don’t normally like it, but fuck…I place my Kindle over the bulge growing in my pants.
“It’s out of town, so I’ll be gone until Sunday.”
Caleb’s face visibly falls, and I feel my chest clench. He wears his heart on his sleeve. Visible. Clear.
What would that be like?
“There’s nothing to be done about it, Caleb,” I say as he turns and grabs a beer from the fridge.
“Stop reading my face.”
I huff at his pouting. “Stop being so easy to read then.”
He rolls his eyes and flips the cap off, catching it before it falls to the ground. He tosses it into the garbage bin and then falls onto the couch.
He sits there, his fingers running along the cool, perspiring glass.
“What am I supposed to do all weekend if you’re gone?”
I shrug. “Visit your family? Spend time with Mal?”
His bottom lip juts out, and I turn my gaze back to my book. I will not invite him. I’ve already grown too close. And the rooming situation while I’m away doesn’t help either.
Fuck. Why do I feel obligated to let him know these little parts of me? I shouldn’t. We’re nothing more than roommates with benefits. It’s all we’re allowed to be.
But still, I know Caleb won’t like any of this, and it’s causing me undue stress thinking of how he’ll react when I tell him.
If I tell him.
“Something’s up. What is it?” he asks.
I eye him. “Why do you ask?”
“You’re acting shady.”
A scoff escapes me. “I don’t act shady.”
“Yeah, man. You do. You are right now. What don’t I know?”
I clear my throat and run a hand through my hair. “Nothing important.”
“Whit…” he says, his voice a warning.
I don’t like that sound. Don’t want him upset with me, so I sigh. “I’m staying with Magnus. We’re sharing a room.”
“That so?” His brow furrows, and I see something flicker across his face.
He’s upset by this information. Not that he has any right to be. We’re not…
We can’t ever be…
But still I say, “Yes, but there’s nothing to worry about. Not that I expect you to worry. I know this is just casual between us.”
An eyebrow rises. “I would prefer it if you didn’t fuck him, Whit. Despite how casual this is.”
The way he says that back to me. I don’t like the way it sounds coming off his lips.
“I don’t plan on it.”
“Good.”
“That all?” he asks, and I sigh.
Oh fuck, he doesn’t need to know…
“My ex will be there as well,” I add, against my better judgment.
He shifts on the couch and stares at me.
“And that’s an issue because?”
I roll my lips between my teeth. “We’ve made plans to grab dinner together one night.”
“That so?” he says, and I can’t help but set my Kindle down with a little too much force.
“Stop saying that. It’s aggravating. If you must know, we made plans to meet up before this…thing with you and me happened. I didn’t want to cancel.”
“Didn’t ask you to,” he replies with a shrug. “Like you said. It’s casual between us.”
He huffs and then guzzles down his beer.
When he’s finished, he stares down at himself. His face falls slightly and then he pushes himself up.
“I’m going to the gym,” he says.
“You were just there.”
“So what?”
And then he stalks out, leaving me to stare at the door until he returns. I fucked up. I’ve upset him. I don’t know how to navigate this. I’ve never had to before. And usually, this would push me away, would make me step in the opposite direction, but with him…
It’s different.
I want to fix it.
When I hear the lock turn an hour later, I pull my Kindle out and pretend to read. I don’t want to show my hand too soon. I don’t want him to know how much he’s affected me.
When he just stands there, unmoving, I peer over at him, my chest constricting.
“Feel better?” I ask.
“Peachy. Going to go shower.”
I hear the water turn on, hear him grumbling through the walls. And when he finishes, he doesn’t reappear. I hear the door to the bedroom shut, and my eyes close, my breathing slightly labored.
I need to fix this.
I want to fix this.
I find him on the bed, shirtless, his earphones in his ears.
I slide up against him, pulling his earphones out and setting them on the end table.
My hands cup his face, my thumbs stroking his cheeks. I’m straddling him, hovering over his body.
His eyes flash, and then I lean down and kiss him, licking my way into his mouth, my fingers dragging through his hair, pulling, tugging, holding him to me.
But he doesn’t do the same back. His hands are fisted in the sheets, and that’s what prompts me to pull away.
“You’re upset,” I say as I stare down at him. This is the opposite of what I wanted when I told him the truth.
Caleb whimpers, and I can’t help but kiss him again. His cock is hard against mine, aching. I know he wants this, wants me, but I also don’t want him mad.
I want him to touch me. To hold on to me like he needs me.
His lips rip away from mine, and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before they open.
“Are you using me, man?” he asks.
My body stiffens above him. “What are you talking about?”
“Are you using me? Is this an experiment for you? Fuck around with a guy who’s not your type. See how long you can keep it up? Make a straight guy gay or some shit? Am I a game to you?”
“No, why would you…? Caleb, I told you. I like you. I like doing things with you.”
“Then why not make it more?”
“More?”
“More than just casual.”
Those words. Oh god, if only I could. If only I hadn’t lived the life I did. If only I had a choice.
I would pick him.
I’d always pick him.
“I…I can’t.”
“But you did with your ex.”
“That was a long time ago. Things are different now.”
Caleb sighs unhappily, and I brush a kiss to his neck.
“I’ll cancel with him if it makes you feel better. I’ll do whatever you want if you stop being angry with me.”
“Don’t cancel. I…just…I don’t want you with anyone else when you’re with me, casual as it is.”
“Stop saying casual like it’s a dirty word. It’s not. I haven’t been with anyone else since we started this. And I don’t plan on being with anyone as long as this lasts.”
My hips drag against his hard length, and Caleb huffs.
“Seems you still do want me despite being angry,” I say.
“Don’t be a smug asshole. You already know I’m constantly hard around you and willing to do just about anything. No need to rub it in. I already feel pathetic.”