27 Sloane
April 2018
It’s been over a month since I slept with Ethan, and I still can’t get that night out of my head. I haven’t told Reese or Lauren. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to—I’ve even tried to a few times—it’s just a lot harder than I expected. The thought of disappointing either of them crushes me. I also haven’t heard from Ethan, unless you count the two-word text he sent me on my birthday. Am I wrong for expecting more?
“Sloane?” Lauren calls out. “Can you and Reese go to dinner tonight?”
“With you and Miles?” I inquire, emerging from my room.
“Duh. Miles snagged us a res at Dante at nine. Can you be there? I thought it was about time we went on a double date with our boyfriends.”
“Boyfriend, huh?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Finally! Right? I was afraid I would have to follow the three-month rule, but he asked before then. Thank god!”
“Three-month rule?”
“You haven’t heard of that?” she explains. “A few podcasts I listen to have covered it. Technically there are two three-month rules. One is that if someone has been pursuing you for three months, that usually means they want to date you. The other three-month rule is that once you’re exclusively seeing a guy, you give them three months max to make it official. If they don’t, you’re out of there.”
“Interesting. I like that.” The wheels in my mind start turning.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean. Well, you know.” I know that she’s referring to Ethan.
“No, I know you didn’t. I like the three-month rule. I think the problem with it is that sometimes when you’re three months in, you look at it like, Well I’m already three months in. You know? That’s what I would have said if someone told me that back in college. I would have waited, and that’s where I fucked up. I waited for him to come around. I waited to see if things would get better. So much waiting. Before I knew it, almost a year had passed, and I was still waiting.”
“I know, and that’s why this is such a great rule. Hopefully, it keeps people like you from wasting more of their time on someone who isn’t meant to be in their life for more than three months.”
“Yeah, hopefully,” I reply, knowing that if someone told twenty-one-year-old me how things with Ethan would’ve played out, I still would’ve done everything the same.
I’ll never regret him.
***
We arrive at the restaurant, and it’s exactly like I’ve been imagining. Checkered tiles line the floors, and sage green accents carry through the entire space. Tables of friends and lovers laugh over cocktails and appetizers. It might be the only restaurant here that captures the aura of the city and the feeling of living here so perfectly.
The host leads us to a table near the window, and the couples opt to sit next to each other instead of across. As I browse the cocktail menu, Reese puts his hand on my leg and kisses me on the cheek.
I look up to see if Lauren or Miles are paying attention, but they’re too enthralled in each other’s company, pointing and giggling at the drink menu while they decide what to try first. Reese has been traveling a lot for work this month, so we haven’t spent a lot of time together. Honestly, I’ve been using it as an excuse to figure out how to tell him about what happened with Ethan. I know I need to tell him; we just need to make it through this dinner first.
After we clear our plates, Reese puts his card down to pay the check, and I wish I could stop him without making a scene. Not only do I feel guilty about sleeping with Ethan, but now I’m lying to his face and letting him foot the bill for an expensive tab. I’ve never felt worse. We part ways from Lauren and Miles on the sidewalk as Reese and I walk towards his place, since it’s not far from the restaurant.
“You alright?” he asks as he reaches for my hand and locks his fingers in mine. “You were quiet at dinner.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired,” I reply, mustering a half-hearted smile.
“Miles is cool, and seems like Lauren is happy. What do you think of him?” he asks.
I pause, considering. “I think he’s nice and seems to really like her. I just worry they’re moving too fast.” The words spill out, echoing my own doubts about rushing into things with Reese.
“Too fast?” Reese gives me a questioning look, his brow furrowed in mild surprise. “Haven’t they been seeing each other for a few months?”
“Yeah, I don’t know, it just feels fast.” I shrug, trying to dismiss the topic.
“You do remember we started dating after two weeks, right?” he laughs.
I don’t reply.
We walk the next few blocks hand in hand until we get to Reese’s. I don’t even want to step foot inside his building, let alone spend the night here. But I also don’t want to have this conversation with him. I don’t know which is worse.
“Do you want wine or anything? We could finish that episode of The Walking Dead we were watching,” Reese suggests as we approach his front door.
“Can we just go to bed? I’m exhausted,” I say.
“Yeah, of course. You’re sure you’re feeling okay?” His eyes search mine.
I nod. He follows me into his room and hands me one of his T-shirts to sleep in. I strip out of my jeans, turtleneck, and bra so that I’m only wearing his shirt and my underwear. I slide into his bed and wonder if this is the last time I’ll ever be in it. I feel bad that this is how it’s ending, but no matter how much I’ve tried to love Reese, it’ll never live up to the way that I feel about Ethan.
Reese climbs into bed after me and tries to touch me; we haven’t had sex since Boston. I can’t bear the thought of being with him after what I did with Ethan. I know I have to tell him.
“Something’s up. Please just tell me what’s wrong?” he pleads.
“I had sex with Ethan.”
The words leave my mouth before I even realize what I’m saying. My back is turned, and somehow, I find the courage to sit up and make eye contact with him. He stands at the foot of his bed with a blank stare.
“Fuck. I knew it.” I can hear the disappointment in his tone of voice. “I’m not blind, Sloane. I knew this was going to happen; I was just hoping it wouldn’t. I was hoping I meant more to you than that.”
“It’s not that you don’t mean anything to me—”
“But I’m not him. No one can compete with a ghost, Sloane. You chase after a guy who’s never certain about you, while I stand here seeing you, wanting you, choosing you, and you don’t even care.”
His words sting.
“You just don’t understand,” I whisper.
“What don’t I get, Sloane? That you would do anything for someone who couldn’t give two shits about you?” His question is rhetorical. “What was all of this with me then? Did you even love me? Was I just something to keep you distracted until you found your way back to him?”
I feel a tear roll down my cheek, and for once, Reese doesn’t bat an eye.
“It’s not like that. I loved you; I really did. But now that he’s around, it’s just…different. I can’t be in a relationship with all of these unresolved feelings. It’s not fair to either of us,” I say, trying to keep my composure.
I stand up and bring my clothes into the bathroom to change back into, because the thought of being naked around him ever again makes my skin crawl. I fold the T-shirt, place it on his dresser, and feel him watching my every move.
“I hope you realize it someday,” he says. “He’s never going to change. I know you think he will, but he won’t. He’s going to hurt you again.”
My throat tightens as he continues.
“He’ll hurt you again, and next time, I’m not going to be there to put you back together.”
The next thing I know, I’m sitting on the front steps of his walk-up in the middle of the West Village wondering what to do next. I order an Uber because taking the subway this late alone was one thing I promised my parents I’d never do. I charge the ride to my mom’s credit card as I wait for the car to pull up.
As I stare through the window of the black Toyota Camry that smells like cigarettes, I wonder if I’m making the right decision. On paper, Reese is husband material. He’s kind, attentive, reliable, and listens to me—he pays attention and understands what I want and need. That feels like a rare quality to find in a guy these days. I just don’t think I’d ever be able to shake the feeling that he isn’t the one.
Maybe Ethan isn’t either, but I sure as hell have to give myself another chance to find out.
I hesitate to get out of the car as it pulls up to my building. I’m alone. Is this a good thing? Or did I just give up the kind of person most women long to spend their lives with? What did I just do?
The lobby is completely empty; even Phillip isn’t around. I wait for the elevator and hit the button to take me to the sixth floor. I pause at the door of Ethan’s apartment. Why did I think this was a good idea? He’s probably not even home.
I debate going back downstairs but knock on the door anyway. Seconds later, he opens it.
“This is a surprise,” Ethan greets me. “Everything okay?”
I cut right to it. “I broke up with Reese. Can I sleep here tonight?”
“Why’d you do that?” he asks, opening the door so that I can come in.
“What do you mean, why did I do that? We had sex, Ethan. I cheated on my boyfriend. How was I supposed to be in a relationship with someone that I was lying to?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry, Hart.”
“Why didn’t you text me after we slept together?” I ask.
“Well, up until now I thought you had a boyfriend. I already felt shitty enough about what happened. I really didn’t want to make it worse.”
I don’t say anything.
“Did you break up with him because of me?” Ethan asks.
“No.” I don’t hesitate. “I just knew he wasn’t it for me. But if I’m being honest, I don’t know that my feelings for anyone else will be able to compete with the way I feel about you.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t put me on some kind of pedestal. I don’t deserve it.”
“I can’t help it. Even before I ran into you again, I kept thinking of how much I missed you. I’m attached to you in this weird way—like our paths were meant to cross and they’ll continue side by side until it’s time for them to cross again.”
“I get that,” he says under his breath, as if he doesn’t want to admit he feels the same.
Neither of us says anything for a few minutes until Ethan goes to the kitchen to get me a glass of water. When he returns to the couch, he sits so close to me that our legs are almost touching.
Even after years of knowing him, his body near mine makes me extremely nervous. I swing my legs up so that they’re over his thighs, and he rests a hand on my knee. We talk about work and life lately. For a second, it feels like we picked up right where we left off. He leads me into his room. I get under his navy bedsheets, and he pulls me toward him.
We don’t have sex. Instead we fall asleep with our legs intertwined, my head on his chest and his arms around me. I wish I could fall asleep like this every single night.
***
I sneak back into our apartment the next morning without waking Lauren and Miles. I put on sweatpants and a T-shirt and crawl into bed. Instead of trying to go back to sleep, I scroll my feed. Graham and Emily were working on their wedding website, Jordan went to sushi with some of her coworkers, and Reese didn’t post anything—which isn’t out of the ordinary, especially considering last night’s chain of events, but I type his name into the search bar anyway.
No user found.
He blocked me. I toss my phone and pull the covers over me. Maybe I do need a few more hours of sleep before I can face today. After all, I know Lauren isn’t going to be ecstatic when I tell her what happened.
***
“You did what?” Her eyes widen in disbelief. “Why would you break up with him?”
Miles pauses, a hint of discomfort flickering across his face before he plants a kiss on Lauren’s cheek.
“I’m gonna…go. I’ll text you.” With that, he turns on his heel and makes a beeline for the door, leaving as if the apartment itself is caving in.
“Start from the beginning,” she demands.
I take a deep breath. “The weekend Jordan came to visit and you guys left the bar, I called Ethan. I was drunk. We slept together, and then I didn’t talk to him again after that.”
“Bullshit.” A skeptical look crosses her face.
“Swear. I wanted to tell Reese right after it happened, but then he was traveling almost every week for work, and the longer I waited, the harder it got. After dinner, I just couldn’t keep it in. So I told him.”
Lauren takes a sip of her coffee, steam rising from the mug as she processes my words.
“How did he react?” she asks.
“He said he knew it was going to happen. I mean, he was still pissed, but he wasn’t surprised. I don’t know if that was necessarily helpful, but I think the fact that it wasn’t completely out of nowhere might make it an easier pill to swallow.” The memory stings as I recount it.
A pause hangs between us.
“You guys just seemed so…good. Before you knew Ethan was here anyway.”
“Maybe that’s how I made it seem, but my relationship with Reese was so one-sided. I knew he loved me, and I strung him along because it felt good to be someone’s everything. He was never my everything though,” I explain.
Lauren takes in my words before asking, “So what’s going on with Ethan?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been more open with him this time around. It hasn’t scared him off yet, so I think that’s a good sign,” I confess.
“Has he changed at all? What would be different this time around?” She leans forward, her frustration obvious.
“I don’t know yet,” I say again. The weight of her question is unusually heavy. “It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since I broke up with Reese. I need time to process things before I think about the future.”
“Why are you still doing this after all these years?” She shakes her head. “What is it about him? It’s like he has some hold on you or something.”
I sigh before trying to rationalize the irrational. “Sometimes it feels that way. This might sound crazy, but it feels like something is telling me to wait a little more. That one day soon something is going to happen. I know he still thinks about me and has feelings for me; I’m just waiting for him to be ready to act on them.”
“That’s exactly it. He probably does still have feelings for you, but that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, which is nothing. If he’s doing nothing, you should most certainly be doing the same. Not breaking up with your damn near perfect boyfriend for him. You deserve someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.” The truth in her words is undeniable.
“If I didn’t break up with Reese, I would’ve been doing the same thing to him that Ethan did to me. It wasn’t fair.”
Her gaze softens. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
I make my way down the hall, shut my bedroom door, and dial Graham’s number. After talking to Lauren, I need reassurance that I didn’t just make a huge mistake and I feel like Graham is the only person who understands my relationship with Ethan. Probably because he’s the only person in the world who understands Ethan. I’m jealous of him for that.
“Hey!” he answers.
“Hi, sorry to call so randomly. How’s wedding planning going?” I try to ease into the conversation.
“It’s going. What’s up? Usually when you call it’s with an agenda,” he teases.
“You make me sound like such a bad friend,” I say. “You know how I’ve been seeing Reese for like a year? Well, I hooked up with Ethan recently and finally told him last night.”
“God, Sloane…” His voice trails off.
Trying to ignore his clear disappointment, I continue. “I broke up with him. I mean, it’s what I wanted to do all along, I think. I liked the comfort of him, but I never liked him the same way I like Ethan.”
“Can I say something?” he interrupts. “You’re never going to like anyone in the way you like Ethan. Honestly, it would be unhealthy if you did. You guys are each other’s first loves. No one ever wants to experience that twice because it’s usually so toxic.”
I can’t help but defend my feelings, though a part of me wonders if he’s right. “We’re not toxic,” I argue, more to myself than to him.
“You’re missing the point. Did you talk to Ethan? Is he ready for a relationship?” His question is pointed.
“Well, no.” I admit.
“Exactly. So, you’re right back at square one. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have broken up with Reese, because clearly you didn’t want to be with him. But you don’t have to go back to Ethan. You can be alone or meet someone else too. You know that, right?”
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “I know. But do you think it ever could work out with him?”
There’s a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone.
“I don’t know. Ethan’s a hard person to love.” He softens his tone. “He’s been through a lot of shit in his life. I don’t know if settling down or getting married is something he’ll ever want. And you can’t wait around forever to find out.”
The truth of his words sink in. He’s right.
“Thanks, Graham.”
“That’s what I’m here for, right?” He laughs, trying to lift the mood. “Save-the-dates are coming to a mailbox near you. Oh, and Emily and I are planning a trip to the city in the next few months. We’d love to grab dinner or something.”
“Sounds great! Just let me know when, and I’ll book us a reservation.”
After an exchange of goodbyes, I hang up the phone and feel more confused than I did before talking to either of them. I know Graham and Lauren are right. If I start hanging out with Ethan again, I need to lay down some ground rules. He needs to be all in. I just don’t know that I’m strong enough to give him an ultimatum.