Chapter 21
Chapter
Twenty-One
LUCA
I’m nervous. I’m not sure I’ve been this nervous in a while… but it’s clawing at my stomach and making me wonder if I’m going to be able to do this. After we’d been caught in his office, that short span of time where I thought I was going to lose Professor Levine was agony…
And that agony had been worth it for the way he’d pulled me against his chest and held me after. It had even been worth having Professor Hilman touch my shoulder, because if he hadn’t, I would never have known how good it felt, how safe I felt in Professor Levine’s arms.
I’ve never had someone who felt so solid, so real—like a tether holding me to the ground when I’ve spent my entire life feeling like the sky was trying to yank me into orbit. As long as I have him, I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay grounded.
And God, that’s all that I want. Earth, the ground, his arms… it’s everything.
Before my little confession, I would have been too afraid to do anything, too afraid to tell him anything.
But he hadn’t pushed me away. Maybe he didn’t say anything back, but he’d wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest, and it was almost like I could hear it in the thundering beat of his heart.
Professor Levine feels something for me too. Something more than just a casual time, or a quick fling that’s going to be over after this TA position ends.
I’m just not sure how to get him to admit it.
I know if I don’t get him to soon, someone is going to notice.
Zander has already noticed that there’s something going on with me.
I can tell by the way he looks at me, the way he’s asked me a few times if I’m okay, and what I’ve been up to, but with one of those brow wiggles that I know means he knows what’s going on.
It’s like I have “no longer a virgin” stamped across my forehead, and he’s the only one who can read the writing.
But if he’s noticed, I know that other people are going to notice too. Eventually.
It’s weird… because I’m not the only one who is different.
Zandy isn’t the same person either.
There’s something about the way he’s changed that’s pushing me just as much as my own feelings. Maybe he doesn’t realize it, but I can see it—his smile, even his posture. He looks happier. He looks like he found something that made him… complete.
And I know if I’m brave enough, I might be able to find that too. But the only way that’s going to happen is if I show Maddox Levine that I can be everything he needs me to be.
“You’re being awfully secretive, Luca.” Professor Levine’s voice is amused, though I can see the slight apprehension and intrigue chasing on the heels of that emotion. The corner of my mouth tugs up in a soft smile.
“Maybe. Don’t you like surprises?” I’m doing my best to let that sex-crazed Luca who seems to overtake me drive tonight. I need his confidence and boldness if I’m going to be able to pull any of this off.
Professor Levine’s blue eyes slant in my direction, his brows dipping suspiciously.
“I don’t, actually. I hope you realize I’m making an exception for you.
Honestly, I haven’t been on an actual date since…
in a long time.” That feeling is there again, that there’s something just beneath his words…
like he’s trying to say something without really saying it.
That’s okay.
I’m honestly willing to play the long game if it means that this is going to work out in the end.
“I appreciate it, Professor.” I offer him a brilliant smile, but I can feel a blush rising on my cheeks. “Honestly, I’ve never really asked someone out on a date before, so I’m kind of making an exception for you too.”
It had been embarrassing, texting him and asking if he wanted to go out with me.
I felt like I was in high school, my stomach in knots and my hands shaking.
A date felt like something a little more formal than showing up at his house to hook up like we’d been doing for the past few weeks.
It felt like it actually meant something…
like it might put a label to what we were.
And there’d been a painful stretch of time where my message had been left on read, where I’d worried I’d pushed too hard too fast…
But then he’d replied with a simple “yes.”
Just that one word had lit me up from the inside out and made up my mind for me. He was probably expecting dinner, maybe a movie. Something that the old Luca would do.
If I’d asked someone on a date before I’d met him, that’s probably exactly what I would have done. Or I would have begged Zander to help me come up with something more romantic, because I was completely hopeless.
But I knew exactly what I wanted to do—exactly where I wanted us to go.
And when he’d asked me after I showed up at his place and he’d climbed into my car, I’d been extremely delighted to press my lips together and shake my head.
“You’re too happy about this,” he murmurs, the accusation in his voice teasing. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell me where we’re going?”
I shake my head, but drop my hand between us on the seat.
It’s funny, seeing Professor Levine crowded into my small car.
It’s like he takes up all the space. I’m flooded with the scent of him, with the heat of him pressed beside me…
and when my fingers find his, he turns his palm over so I can hold his hand.
My heart flutters almost painfully in my chest.
“We’ll be there soon, okay?”
At least it isn’t a lie. There’s a dozen things to do on the same strip of road, so it’s not like I’m giving myself away… and I watch him flick his eyes expectantly to restaurants and the movie theater as I drive past. After I turn onto a familiar street, I feel his fingers flex in mine.
My grin gets bigger. I think he finally realizes where we’re going.
“Luca,” he says, but I don’t take my gaze off the road in front of me as I turn into the parking lot for Mask and slide my car into one of the spaces. It’s funny—I spent so long talking myself into coming here the first time. I’d been so anxious…
But now I can barely contain myself as I open my door, reluctantly pulling my hand out of Professor Levine’s so I can get out.
He follows me in a flash, his arm coming around my waist so he can take a few quick steps, backing me up against my car. The proximity makes me tremble—his heat makes me feel alive… and my mouth fills with saliva in anticipation of what I really, really hope is going to happen.
“Luca.” Professor Levine’s voice is a little apprehensive, a little warm… but I can see something swimming in his gaze just beneath the depths of that carefully closed-off expression. He turns his eyes to me, ticking up one brow. “What are we doing here?”
This is it. Now or never… and I realize that as afraid as I’ve been, as much as I’ve been worried about how he was going to react and if this was a good idea at all… it’s going to be okay.
I want to do this for him. We’ve been playing on the edges of it for a while now, but I trust him.
Completely.
“I know you came to Mask that night looking for something… and I know you’ve been gentle with me since then because you’re trying to make sure I’m okay, that I feel safe.
” I bite my lower lip and step closer to him, sliding one hand up his chest so I can lean up on tiptoe and press my mouth to his as I speak.
“I want to know every part of you, Maddox.” Saying his name feels saccharine on my tongue, like sin…
like all the wrong things I’ve ever been afraid to do finally spilling over me.
“Luca…” His voice is a torn mixture between a growl and a groan—almost painful, almost reverent.
“I want you to take me into that club and show me what would have happened that first night if I hadn’t run away.” I raise my gaze to his, and crash under the waves of heat in his eyes. “Show me what it would really mean to be yours.”