Chapter 23
Chapter
Twenty-Three
LUCA
I didn’t know I could be this happy. I didn’t know I deserved to be this happy.
Professor Levine is the first person to make think maybe I do. It’s a heady thing, feeling like I’m standing on equal ground with someone like Maddox Levine. It’s a gift I don’t want to lose.
I’m lost in the memories of being at the club—the way it felt for his hands to be on me, the way letting go of control could feel so liberating and powerful…
The way he told me he’d give me the moon.
I don’t want the moon, I just want to keep him after this semester is finished and he doesn’t need me as a TA anymore.
I’m so lost in thought on how to make that happen that I accidentally bump into someone.
My eyes immediately lift. It’s the woman who caught us before—I think Professor Levine called her Crista?
She’s tall and slender, pretty, with brown skin that is currently glowing in delight as she realizes exactly who bumped into her.
“I’m sorry.” The apology is instant. “I wasn’t paying attention, I was…”
“I’m sure I know what you were thinking about.
” The warm tease in her voice drifts through the air and raises color on my cheeks.
I’m still not quite over the fact that she caught us in such a precarious position, and it isn’t lost on me that I probably would have been in major trouble if it had been anyone else.
“Can you actually come with me for a minute?”
Oh… oh, no. Am I in trouble after all?
Like she can read it on my face, or maybe it’s the way my shoulders instantly pull up to my ears, she laughs. “You’re fine. I just need help with some papers.”
“Oh.” The relief that washes over me is instant. “Okay. Sure, whatever you need.”
She rolls her eyes at my words. “No wonder he likes you so much. Very compliant.”
Thankfully, she turns before the blush completely overtakes my face.
In her office, she starts gathering up a few folders. “I’m glad that you and Maddox are getting along so well.”
My eyes instantly flick to her door, and I carefully nudge it shut. She’s talking so casually, like what we’re doing is just getting along. When she hears the soft click, she smirks.
“Thank you?” I’m not even sure if that’s the right thing for me to say.
“Honestly, he’s been a temperamental grouch the entire time I’ve known him. You really did fix whatever his last boyfriend broke.” She doesn’t even look up at me as she says it, just continues to casually shuffle the papers in her hands.
Meanwhile, I’m torn between the words “last boyfriend” and the fact that saying that implies I’m his boyfriend now. It’s a war of pleasure and something aching in my chest to know that anyone hurt him.
It makes sense—it always felt like he was holding part of himself back… but…
“Last boyfriend?” I finally prioritize my questions, and her head snaps up.
“Oh, shoot. Has he not told you about that?” I can’t tell if there’s some kind of mock innocence in her tone or if she actually feels bad.
“No… we haven’t really…” I frown, biting my lip. “We haven’t really discussed his past that much.”
“Well, between you and me…” She hands me a stack of papers and I take them automatically.
“I think you’re good for him. He was wound so tight before he met you, I was just waiting for him to end up on an episode of a true crime podcast, I swear.
Whatever you’re doing, keep it up. Though…
” She taps on top of the papers she handed me.
“Make sure you stay quiet about it until the semester is over, yeah?”
I nod quickly.
“Of course. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him or jeopardize his career or—”
“Or yourself, right? You need to worry about you too, Luca.”
Yeah…
“Yeah. I know.”
“Perfect.” She beams, and then taps the papers one more time. “Now that I’ve given you solid advice, can you do me a favor?”
“Of course,” I agree.
“Run these over to Professor Hilman for me, would you? And tell him if he ever asks me to grade his papers again, I’m going to be on a true crime podcast myself.”
I manage to keep my expression from falling as I nod.
I already agreed.
And she’d given me information about Maddox that I didn’t have before… so…
I owed her, right?
Besides, there was every chance Professor Hilman wasn’t in his office right now—he was usually teaching class until at least after noon. I could put the papers on his desk and be in and out before he realized I was even there. No threat required.
“No problem. Thank you, Professor.”
She gives me a strange look—maybe she can tell I’m a little uneasy, but I’m already out of the office before she can ask questions.
The problem with Professor Hilman is that he doesn’t always teach in the same building. That means if I want to see whether he’s in class right now, I’d have to carry my arm full of papers out into the sprinkle of cold rain and across the entire campus to make sure he’s where he’s supposed to be.
I’m going on blind faith, and my ability to throw the papers and run if I have to, when I step in front of his office and peek in. The door is open, which isn’t a good sign. Worse, when I try to stuff the papers into his mailbox, there are too many of them to fit.
My eyes glance around one more time, my heart thundering in my chest. I don’t like being here. It reminds me too much of everything that I’ve been trying to avoid since my freshman year.
But I don’t hear any noise from inside the office, and even though the door is cracked, the light is off.
It’s probably fine.
I’m probably fine.
I push open the door and blow out an instant breath of relief when I see an empty desk.
It only takes me a second to gather the stack of papers back into a neat, orderly pile and step forward, plopping them onto the middle of his desk. I’m just stealing a Post-it note to write where they’re from when I hear the door click shut behind me.
My entire body goes rigid, and I know I should turn around, but for some reason my muscles feel like they’re made of lead.
But you’re supposed to turn when there’s a predator in the room. Giving them your back is dangerous.
And that danger slides up behind me and brushes fingers between my shoulder blades.
“We just keep running into each other, don’t we, Luca?”
God, he sounds so happy about it too. I bite my cheek hard enough that I feel blood, and the little zing of pain and taste of copper grounds me enough to turn around.
I can’t take a step away from him this time, because he has me pinned between the desk and his body. His light blue eyes are full of warmth and excitement, and…
God, I think I hate him.
I think I really, really hate him.
“We didn’t run into each other,” I say through clenched teeth. “You snuck up on me.”
He tilts his head, a strand of his dark hair escaping the careful styling that keeps it out of his face and from falling into his eyes. “But you’re in my office, Luca. So who really snuck up on whom?”
My mouth drops open. “That’s not…” I glance between his body and the door, and then back to the papers. “Professor Hines had some papers for me to drop off. That’s the only reason I’m here.” I try to put emphasis on the word only, because he needs to realize that I’m not here for him.
Once upon a time, I’d put my trust in him. He’d burned that bridge the second he kissed me when I told him no.
“I think we both know that’s not true.” He’s still grinning when he leans closer, and I feel my entire body go tight for just a second before my hand balls into a fist.
“No,” I say. “It’s a complete sentence, Professor Hilman. No.”
And just like last time, the word doesn’t do anything. He just leans in until his broad body is pressed to mine, and his fingers brush across my cheek, drawing my gaze up to his.
“I know you’ve been busy, Luca. Professor Levine is probably working you to the bone with that TA position. If you wanted something for your resume, I could have helped you out.”
Professor Levine…
God, it’s like a parallel in my brain—if I’d said the word no to him with any kind of force, he probably would have been halfway across the campus by now and texting me an apology.
He’s good.
Professor Levine is a good man… and he…
He…
“I said no, Professor Hilman.” I raise my hands and press them to his chest, and then shove as hard as I can.
It’s not that I’m strong, because I’m definitely not.
It’s because I’ve never fought back—I’ve never even sounded firm.
So it’s no surprise that he falls off balance.
The ridiculously fancy office chairs he has in front of his desk do the rest of the work.
He stumbles back, and it gives me time to dart around the room and to the office door.
It doesn’t give me time to get it open before he slaps his hand against it, and his fingers grab my arm, jerking me around hard enough that I’m pretty sure I’ll bruise. I let out a low sound of pain, but his eyes just go wide again.
“Luca… I know things between us ended awkwardly before—”
“I don’t want this,” I interject, my hand fumbling behind my back for the doorknob.
“You just didn’t give it a chance before. I can give everything you need.”
I’d give you the fucking moon.
My reaction is instant, volatile… and probably enough to get me expelled. I raise my knee hard, feeling it come into contact between Professor Hilman’s legs. It’s enough to make him let out a low, pain-filled sound, and enough for me to shove him back again.
“I have everything I need, and it’s never going to be from you.” And then, with my heart thundering in my chest and my tongue feeling sticky in my throat, I add. “Fuck you, Professor Hilman.”
I… oh… God.
He looks up at me, his blue eyes sparkling with rage and tears… and I do the only thing I can. I turn on my heels and run, slamming the door behind me as I make my way to the only place I can think to go.
When I close Professor Levine’s door and press my back against it, the alarm on his face tells me he knows something is wrong.
I could tell him.
I could tell him everything about Professor Hilman, about what happened freshman year. I could tell him about the way he put his hands on me just now. But there’s something in the back of my mind pounding, telling me that probably wouldn’t be the best idea.
Maybe dealing with it on my own isn’t good, but there’s a small part of me that thinks maybe… maybe Maddox has a bit of a temper. And if I’m right… if he really does care about me the way I think he does…
Well…
I’m not going to be the reason he loses his job—not because of what we’re doing, and not because he hits another professor with no logical way of explaining why it happened.
“Luca? Is everything okay?”
I don’t have an explanation for the color on my cheeks, though thankfully I can pull my sleeves down to hide the ugly red fingerprints on my arm. I nod quickly, and then immediately shake my head.
“No. I don’t know. I…” I need an explanation.
Any explanation for the way I’m acting. By the time he crosses the room and cups my face, my heart feels like it’s going to rush from my throat to tell him everything…
but the words that come out are only half the truth.
I lift my hand, pressing my palm to the center of his chest just in time to feel the way his pulse picks up at my words.
“Professor Hines told me you’re happier now than you’ve been in a long time…
but she also said someone hurt you before.
I just… I want to do whatever I can to show you that I’ll never do anything to hurt you. ”
Even if that means keeping what just happened with Professor Hilman a secret to protect him from himself.