Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
MICAH
My question hung in the air like a heavy fog. His guilty look immediately raised my hackles because what was coming next was not good.
“I made a mistake.”
“Please explain.” I sounded clipped, and I knew it, but Daddy had never looked this guilty. Something was up.
“You know Jamie does my security, right?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Jamie came to me with concerns about you, and I told him I trusted you.” Daddy paused, then traced the lines of my palm before he continued. “A decision was made to attach a tracker to your bag.”
“Who decided that?”
“Jamie put it on, but I left it there after I became aware of it.”
“Left it where?”
“It’s in your backpack.”
“I see. Please go on,” I said tightly. Every ounce of self-control in my body was being leashed. I wanted to rage at the intrusion, the double standard, and the lack of trust. How dare Daddy question my loyalty when he’d been tracking me like I was on parole or something.
“Since you stayed home sick, I forced Jamie to come to the dinner with me. Noah, from the ferry, recognized you, thought something was wrong, and called Jamie.”
“Noah knows Jamie?”
“Yeah, we went to high school together, but I hadn’t recognized him. He remembered you used to take your bike across and now usually cross with me. I asked Jamie why Noah has his number now, and I was told it wasn’t my business.”
Oh, Noah and Jamie hooked up.
“The tracker…”
“Yeah, so Jamie checked the tracker and realized you came over after I left. Neither of us recognized the address.”
Livid wasn’t enough of a description for my current state of rage. Without a word, I moved the tray and got out of bed. I took several deep breaths before I could trust myself to speak. Daddy watched me with apprehension. Undoubtedly, my rage radiated.
“Let me say this.” Daddy nodded and ceded the floor to me. “I heard what you said, but I cannot be in the same room as you right now. It’s going to take me a minute to wrap my head around the knowledge you knew Jamie put a fucking tracker in my fucking bag, and you…you… fucking signed off on it. This is me getting some air. I’m not walking away. I’m not leaving. I need some space.”
“I understand.”
“I’m going to get dressed and ask Nix for a ride. I’m sure the tracker is still in my bag, so you can figure out where I went. Don’t follow me.”
Daddy winced at my words, but under the circumstances, I wasn’t worried about his feelings being hurt by the truth. There was no reason to wait for a response because there was nothing left to say.
After hearing his confession, I wasn’t sure which was worse. The invasion of privacy ran neck and neck with the obvious truth that Daddy didn’t trust me. He’d been paying lip service to the idea I was here because he wanted me for the long haul. But when it mattered, he hadn’t believed I was trustworthy. Even if he had his reasons, it hurt. I loved Daddy, and if you’d asked me five minutes ago what my best-case scenario was, it would be to stay with this man. Now, I wasn’t sure.
I stormed into the closet to put on some clothes, grabbed my bag, and headed downstairs. The outside cold air helped my temper, but not enough to change my mind. I didn’t turn around to see if Calvin watched me walk away.
Three minutes later, I was at the front door to Nix’s house, staring at a sleepy-eyed, shirtless house manager. I was surprised to see the tattoos covering every inch of his chest, but that wasn’t important right now. What was important was getting off this property. Now.
“Nix, I need a favor.”
“Your face! What’s going on? Where’s Calvin? “
“Calvin’s in the house, and I can’t explain why right now. I need a ride into town.”
“Where do you wanna go?”
“I don’t know the address, but I can give you directions.” Nix looked like he had a million questions waiting in the wings, but he kept them to himself. Most importantly, he didn’t ask where my bike was, and I wasn’t forced to come up with a lie or an explanation.
“Give me a second to throw on some clothes, and I’ll take you wherever you want.” Nix retreated into the house but reversed course almost immediately. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I need some space to breathe, and it needs to be far away from Calvin.”
Nix’s expression morphed between horror, rage, and disbelief. Finally, he asked quietly, “Did Calvin do that to your face?”
“Oh my god, no!” I was genuinely shocked that he’d brought himself to ask the question. There was genuine anguish at the notion Calvin had hurt me. “Nix, I know I’m being stupidly vague about this, but I can’t explain right now. I promise Calvin didn’t lay a hand on me.”
“Okay,” he sighed. “I’ll be right out.”
Landing on Beckett’s doorstep was not on my bucket list for life, especially with a busted lip and a bruise that partially swelled my eye shut. But here I was, backpack in hand, knocking on his door at nine in the morning. Unfortunately for me, it was Will who opened the door.
“Micah, good morning.” And when my face registered, he added, “Holy fuck, what happened?”
“Will, I’m so sorry to bother you. Is Beckett here?”
“No, he’s on nights and stopped at the gym before coming home this morning. Seriously, are you all right?
“I am, but I didn’t know who else to talk to, so I came to see Beckett. But it’s fine. I’m really sorry to bother you.”
“No, no, no. Come in. He’ll be home soon.”
Will stepped back to allow me to enter, but before I stepped over the threshold, I waved to Nix, who didn’t look any less confused than he had when he opened his front door this morning. Reluctantly, he returned my wave and pulled out of the driveway. Will directed me toward the kitchen table and told me to sit down, and I followed his instructions because what else would I do? It was nine a.m. on Sunday, and I’d barged into his house like I owned the place.
“You want some coffee while we’re waiting on him?”
“That would be amazing, thank you. I’m so sorry. I know we’re not friends…”
“You’re Beckett’s friend, which makes you mine. Look, I don’t want to state the obvious, but clearly, something has happened. Are you safe? I’m not trying to insult you, your relationship, or Calvin.”
“Calvin would’ve never done this,” I answered emphatically. As angry as I was, I never wanted anyone to think Calvin would be the type to hit his partner in anger. It was worth the extra explanation. “My…my brother and his friend did it.”
“Your brother? Damn.”
“Could you text Beckett and ask him to come home straight away?”
“Yeah, of course, I’ll do it right now and then start the coffee.” Will grabbed his phone off the counter and furiously texted a series of messages. The phone dinged in quick succession before he put it down. “Beckett is on his way home now. It’ll only take a few minutes.”
Will bustled around the kitchen, but I was too restless to remain at the table. While Will put everything together, I checked out the open-concept cabin. Last time, I’d been too nervous about being in the house, so I hadn’t paid attention. Will and Beckett’s home had everything I’d ever wanted for myself. It was warm and inviting. The patchwork quilts and afghans on the back of the furniture and plants everywhere invited cozy snuggles on chilly days. The bright and cheery artwork, mostly landscapes, were originals. When I got close, they all had the same signature.
“Will, did you paint all these?”
“Oh no, those are all my mom’s. I finally have a place to display them, and I think they look pretty good in here.”
“Did you do the decorating?”
“Ha! Beckett would tell you my taste is Frat Boy circa 1997. The plants are all Beckett too. He’s responsible for the inside stuff, and I’m the outside gardener.”
“Frat Boy 1997? It can’t be that bad.”
“Oh, it’s pretty terrible.” Will laughed. “Anyway, Beckett does all the decorating, and he’s pretty fucking amazing at it.”
Will’s pride in his boyfriend’s talents showed through like a beacon. It must be nice for someone to have that much faith in their partner for the big and small things.
I heard boots scuffing at the front door before it flung open. Will jumped up from the table and rushed to meet Beckett at the door. Beckett was intimidating in uniform, and he was no less scary in gym clothes that put his massive arms and plethora of tattoos on display.
“Beckett, I told you he’s fine.”
Beckett looked suspicious and grunted at Will’s pacifying rub on his chest. Will, in turn, gave Beckett a possessive kiss and a tight squeeze before he brought him into the kitchen. Beckett’s dark eyes were clouded with confusion and concern. His mouth was set in a firm, straight line. I could tell he was struggling, probably trying to avoid peppering me with questions. It was quite literally his job to find things out and protect people. I needed Beckett to be my friend, not a cop.
“Micah.”
“Beckett.”
Will looked between us, rolled his eyes, and told us to sit down. Will started on breakfast while Beckett and I stared at each other while trying to figure out how to begin. Beckett broke first.
“Micah, what happened to your face?”
“Do you want the long or short version?”
“The whole fucking version.” What I liked best about Beckett was his blunt honesty, which I appreciated even more this morning. It was also the opening I needed to spill the whole story.
Will stopped what he was doing, sat on Beckett’s lap, and listened while I explained everything. I started with my parents’ accident, then moved on to what really happened in the shed on the day Daddy and I met, how last night unfolded, and how Daddy managed to find me.
“Wow. Okay. That’s…wow.” Will stumbled around on his words. Beckett, on the other hand, straight up glowered at me. His scowl intensified as I got further into my explanation.
“What the fuck, Micah!” Of all the words I thought I’d hear from Beckett, those weren’t what I had expected. What was he mad at me about?
“You’re mad? At me?”
I looked helplessly at Will, who’d schooled his features into a blank mask. I was acutely aware the rain had restarted. Each ping on the tin roof was a shard cutting me. Will squeezed Beckett’s fingers and gave him a quelling look. It looked like a warning, but I wasn’t sure how to interpret the meaning. If I lost Beckett’s friendship, I wasn’t sure what I’d do.
“Yes, I’m pissed the fuck off at you.” Will’s gaze bounced between Beckett and me. “Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you.”
“No, you don’t. Someone was making you pay goddamn blood money, and you didn’t think maybe your cop friend could help?” Beckett’s scowl turned to a grimace. “I don’t want to make it about me, but you don’t have to do everything on your own. People want to be depended on. People want to love you.”
I was floored at his takeaway from my story. Of course I couldn’t depend on people. There was just me. No one stayed for me. My dad had never wanted much to do with me. My brother’s lack of concern for me was all over my face. And even though she didn’t want to go, my mom had left too. Going to Beckett or even Daddy never crossed my mind. My problems had always been mine to handle.
“Micah, not trusting your honesty wasn’t why Calvin left the tracker in your bag. What he didn’t trust was you not running off because you were scared. He wanted a way to find you if…more like when…you ran. What he didn’t trust was whether you believed in him enough.”
“Micah, do you love Calvin?” Will’s voice was neutral and calm.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Then maybe let your guard down for a quick minute and let him see you. Like all of you. The scary parts you don’t want anyone to see are the most important ones.”
“Thanks for the ride.”
After they finished breakfast, Beckett and I spent the morning reading in his upstairs library. I knew what I would do and where I needed to go after I left Beckett’s house, but I needed more time to get myself into the right headspace. And I appreciated the time I bought to avoid the coming confrontation.
Beckett pulled his SUV to a stop in front of Daddy’s house. “Look, if shit gets weird, then I want you to call me. None of this bullshit about not needing help. Fuck that and call me.”
“I will.” I gathered myself, but I continued, “Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t come to you. If I’m ever blackmailed again, you’ll be my guy.”
My attempt at a joke worked because Beckett offered a weak chuckle, which was the best I could hope to get from him. I needed the win before I faced Daddy. With another promise to call if needed, I slipped out of his vehicle and let myself in the front door.
The house looked exactly as it had when I left this morning. I wandered upstairs to Daddy’s bedroom. The covers were hastily pulled up because he liked his bed made but wasn’t patient enough to do it properly. Since I was there anyway, I straightened the covers until they were smooth and tight, just as he liked. Next, I headed back downstairs and checked his office. It was also empty, except for the messy stack of papers that perpetually covered his desk.
The rest of the world saw this polished man with great taste in clothes and impeccable manners. The man I fell in love with cussed like a sailor, shrugged at sexuality, and wandered around his house barefoot in sweats. Daddy had never shied away from showing me the real him. Not once.
In the library, Daddy was sitting in my favorite spot by the window that looked out on the carefully cultivated garden and clear view of the Sound. He was reading one of my historical biographies. Daddy was an audiobook guy, so I wasn’t sure why he’d cracked it open.
“Daddy, I’m back,” I said when I sat on the chair opposite him. “I’ve got some things to say.”
“I’m listening.”
Daddy put down his book and gave me his full attention. The intensity of it was a weighted blanket, and it settled me. He looked sad, and I hated that. I hated everything about the last twenty-four hours.
“You going along with Jamie was fucked up.” Daddy’s eyes went wide at my cussing, and I almost laughed at his expression. Almost. Under the circumstances, I think my mom would forgiven me. “He was protecting his friend. I’m not happy about it, but I can understand why he’d feel the way he does. You probably shouldn’t play house with people you find in sheds. I’m surprised he didn’t think you had a head injury or something.” Daddy’s lips twitched, so maybe Jamie had asked about a head injury. “But you brought me here, and you said you trusted me. That wasn’t true.” I slouched back in the chair.
Daddy allowed my speech to sit with him before he responded. “May I explain myself?”
I nodded.
“Jamie thought you integrated yourself to scam me. I didn’t want to believe he was right, but it was also obvious something was happening with you. Full confession time—the dinner invite to Beckett and Will’s house? That came after I went to Will and asked for his advice on being a Daddy.”
“Why did you need that?”
“Because I’ve been ass-backward with it. I pushed you into it before either one of us was ready.”
“You can’t track me like that again. Why not use the phone you gave me like a normal person?”
“Micah, how often have you forgotten to take your phone when you left the house this week?” Since that number was close to double digits, I ignored his question. “I might have said it earlier, but the tracker was installed before I knew about it. I wouldn’t have given him permission if he’d asked first, but I let it continue.”
“You’ve got to promise you won’t ever track me without permission again. Ever.”
“You have my word.”
With a sharp nod, I stood from where I sat across from him and crossed the small space to stand directly before him. I pushed him back from where he rested his elbows on his knees. There was only one place in this world I wanted to be: in Daddy’s arms. I straddled his lap and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. His arms wound around me until we were tight and snug against each other.
“Daddy, I was so scared,” I cried into his shoulder. His large hands ran up and down my back while my tears flowed. “When I got there, I knew it was a mistake to go inside, but I did it anyway. Kyle thought I was there to tell him off, but his friend guessed that I had some money to use if I needed it. Then Kyle got mad at me, and that’s when he hit me.”
“Shhh, you’re okay now.”
“I never want to see him again. Ever.”
“Baby, that fucker will never even breathe the same air as you.” I nodded against his neck and hiccuped through my sobs.
“Daddy, can I tell you something else?” I asked when I’d calmed down enough to speak again. My throat was scratchy from crying, and I’m sure my face looked raw between the scrapes, the black eye, and the cut lip.
“You can tell me anything.”
“Beckett thinks you left it because you’re worried I’ll run and you won’t be able to follow me.” Daddy stayed quiet for a long time while he contemplated Beckett’s suggestion.
“Hagen is a smart guy. My worry hasn’t been that you’ll run because of something I did or didn’t do but because you thought you didn’t belong here with me. So, yeah, part of the reason I left the tracker since I knew I’d be able to find you and convince you to come back home.”
“Will you leave the tracker in there? I want you to feel safe too.”
“Little one, you don’t need to do that.”
“No one has ever followed me. My dad never would have, Kyle didn’t want to, and my mom couldn’t come after me. But I want you to do that. I want you to come find me.”
Daddy’s hands clutched me tighter to him. Being vulnerable was next to impossible for me, but here I was, laying myself out bare for him. He had almost all the ammunition he needed to destroy me, and I had to trust he wouldn’t use it.
“Oh god, I love you, little one.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
And now he had the final bullet.
We stayed in the library, quietly processing our morning. More than anything, I wanted things to be normal between Daddy and me. I was happiest when Daddy led and I followed. With all that had happened, it was all off-kilter and uncentered.
“Daddy, I need to tell you something else,” I offered tentatively.
“Go ahead, baby.”
“I need you to know that what makes me happiest is when you lead and I follow. Going off by myself and deciding how to handle things made me feel off-kilter and weird, and I didn’t like it. You have no idea how many times I wanted to just dump it in your lap and ask you to fix it for me.”
“Baby, you can dump any damn thing you want on me. You’re a brave boy for telling me what you need. And you’re a smart one too.”
Daddy gently pushed me off his lap before picking me up like a bride and going up the stairs. Because I had zero desire to ruin the mood, I ignored his slight panting by the time we got to the upstairs landing.
Daddy brought me to our bedroom and set me on the side of the bed. He kneeled to remove my shoes and socks. “You’re gonna shower, and then you’re spending the day in bed. Until tomorrow, the only reason you’re allowed out is for the bathroom. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, Daddy.” That earned me a kiss on the nose.
“Let’s get you in the water to loosen your muscles.”
The ride yesterday had been longer and harder than I’d done in months. With everything else going on, my mind had blocked out the soreness in my unused muscles, but at the reminder, they roared back to the forefront.
Daddy washed every inch of me with loving hands. Since the first time we’d showered together, he liked to wash my hair. As usual, he took the extra time to run his fingers through the strands and then twirled the ringlets so I wouldn’t be frizzy. Every touch and movement reminded me how much he cared about me. He did all the things he’d done before, but this time, I recognized the intention behind them. Daddy took care of me because he loved me.
When I stepped out of the shower, he wrapped a towel around my body and a plop towel on my head. I giggled at myself in the mirror with a turban and towel.
“Baby, you ready to put your cage back on?”
“Yes, please.”
Daddy dropped to one knee to powder me before easing my soft peen into the casing and locking the strap. While he adjusted me, I carded my fingers through his hair. I loved the silky smoothness of the strands. Daddy wrapped his arms around me and rested his head against my stomach. A bathroom wasn’t the ideal place to have an epiphany about what I wanted in life, but this was it. The quiet moments. The private ones. The ones when it was just us and the rest of the world couldn’t intrude.
“Little one, thank you for giving me another chance.”
“I don’t think I’m giving you another chance. It’s the first chance. This time, I won’t have one foot out the door. I’ll remind myself you’ll follow me because you’re my safe place.”
Daddy’s arms tightened around me and left me feeling more secure than I had in years.
“You gotta tell me, baby. As much as I want to read your mind, I can’t.”
He wasn’t wrong, but what he was asking for might be the hardest thing he could have asked me to do.
“It’s going to take some time.”
“That’s okay. We’ve got all the time in the world to practice.”
Daddy pushed himself to his feet and led me back into the bedroom. He dressed me in the baggy lounging clothes I preferred and tucked me back into bed.
“You know what I want to do with you today, baby?”
“Hmmm?”
“Bed rot and movies. You in?”
“So much yes, Daddy. We could watch…oh my god, I’m supposed to be at work.” I shoved the covers back, but Daddy grabbed my hand when I started to climb out of the bed.
“Nope, you’re staying here. I called Elliott this morning and let him know you got banged up in an accident. He said he hoped you were okay, that you felt better soon, and to let him know when you were well enough to be put back on the schedule.”
“Oh, thank goodness you called,” I said as I collapsed on the pillows. I turned my head to him and said, “Thank you for taking care of me, Daddy. I appreciate it.”
“It’s just one of the many services we offer here. And it will always be my pleasure.” Daddy kissed my temple, and I swooned. He grabbed the remote off his nightstand and turned on the TV. “What are we watching?”
“ The Truman Show ?” I asked shyly. “It was my mom’s favorite movie. She always stopped what she was doing when it came on. I used to watch it with her, but mostly because it was a couple of hours of uninterrupted quiet time with her. When I was little, I didn’t get the plot, but when I watch it now, I feel closer to her.”
“I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve never seen it.”
“You’re gonna love it, Daddy.”
Daddy cued it up on the streaming app and settled next to me on the bed, but I remembered there was one more thing I needed him to see. I pushed the covers back to climb out of bed to get my backpack from the closet.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?”
“I need to show you something in my bag, so I’m getting it.” I was confused about why he was confused.
“What did I say were the reasons you could get up?” Daddy asked sternly.
“The bathroom.”
“So try again, baby.”
“Daddy, could you please get my bag for me? I want to show you something.”
Instead of answering, Daddy kissed my forehead and went to grab my bag. When he returned, I was sitting fully up, legs crossed, waiting for him.
“Here ya go, little one.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” I carefully moved the zipper so I wouldn’t accidentally send it off the track, which it regularly did. Once opened, I pulled out a children’s book of poems. The cover was worn on the edges, and the spine’s binding had been replaced with duct tape.
“This was my mom’s when she was little. She was in foster care too, and this was the only thing she managed to keep.”
“She must’ve treasured it.”
“Yeah, she did. It was my favorite too and I’d always asked her to read it to me.” I set aside the book carefully and then lifted out my green baby blanket, smoothing my fingers over the patterned threads of the blanket’s edges.
“What is that, baby?”
“It’s my baby blanket. My mom embroidered it.” I traced the sea pattern she’d carefully designed for me and held it up so he could see it better. “She loved the ocean and spent every moment my dad would let her near it.”
“It’s beautiful. She must have been excited to put in so much work on it. Just so you know, I put her in my office safe until you decide what to do with her.”
“Thank you. I knew you’d take care of her.”
Daddy moved his hand to rest on one of my knees and rubbed small circles there to soothe me.
“Do you know the only time I slept with my blanket was in my dorm?”
“Why?”
“Kyle would have taken it just to be a jerk. I was worried in foster care that someone would destroy it because they needed to rage at something, and my blanket would be an easy target. On the street, the risk was too big to take it out of my bag. But in my dorm, no one was there to take it from me. It was my first safe space.”
“Little one, the rules we set down before still exist, but we are going to add one more.”
“What is it?”
“Your blanket needs to be with you every night. My home will always be safe for you.”
“Thank you, Daddy.”
“You’re welcome, baby. Come snuggle with me. I need you next to me.”
“Same, Daddy. Same.”