Chapter 6 #2
“Fuck other people,” he shouts. “This is what I mean, AJ.” His chest heaves as he looks down at me.
“We shouldn’t fucking care what other people think.
I care what you think. I care what my mother thinks, and I care what Caden and the guys think about me.
Because you’re all good people. But everyone else who has never done anything for me?
Fucking Soren? Why the fuck do I care what he thinks? ”
It’s right on the tip of my tongue . . . Because you loved him once. But I can’t bring myself to say it. I can’t remind him—and me—of that teenage mistake.
So I tell him the one thing I know is true.
“I do care what you think, and I always will. As for what I think?” I take a tiny step back so I don’t have to tilt my head back so far to look him in the eyes.
“I think you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met.
I think you’re brave, smart, and a great friend.
I think you deserve to find that man you’ve been dreaming about all your life, and I think you’re human, just like the rest of us.
So it’s okay if you care, even when you know you shouldn’t.
It’s okay that you’re not perfect, Cam, because to me you always will be exactly what you’re supposed to be. ”
“God, AJ,” he croaks, his voice raspy, then he covers his face with his hands and breathes out loudly.
“I’m sorry if what I said back at the school wasn’t—” God, how do I even say this? “If you didn’t want me to say that. I was pissed off.”
He drops his arms and looks at me for a long moment.
“Yeah, I know you were.”
He doesn’t say anything else for a long minute and I don’t know if I should say anything else? If we should—
“Do you want to go back in?” I ask when the question pops into my head. “Or we can go back to your mom’s? You’ll be hanging out with the guys all day tomorrow, and I think we’ll both be more ready for anything with a good night’s sleep.”
“I don’t want to go home,” he mumbles, and lets out a big sigh. “But I know where we could go.”
That’s more like it.
I nod at him when he tilts his head to the side, showing me where we’re going. We go to the car and I take the wheel this time, then follow his directions to the outskirts of town.
I’ve always liked driving around when I’m in a new city; I think it gives me a different perspective than just going through it in a bus or in the passenger seat.
The roads are in good order, and that means people here care about their town.
It’s the same back home, and even the one road we have at the ranch is maintained meticulously by Dad.
“Just keep going.” It’s dark out now, and we’re on a dirt road with no lights except for the SUV’s cutting through the total blackness.
I don’t see it until there’s a sharp right turn, and when I do, I have to chuckle.
This is probably the most small-town thing ever.
“Was this like . . . your spot?” I ask him, trying to tamp down my teasing because I don’t want him to think I’m making fun of him.
“Only in senior year,” he says softly, but stays put inside the car.
“After that disaster with Soren I couldn’t bring myself to tell Mom about any of it, so I spent way too much time out of the house.
More than normal, since I always had a bunch of other activities, but when I couldn’t bear to go home and face her I came here and climbed up.
“Do you want to climb up now?”
He snorts, and I can just make out how he shakes his head.
“I don’t think it’s safe. It looks like it’s been twenty years since anyone’s been here.”
“We can check it out,” I offer in a softer tone. I want him to get the peace he’s searching for, and if I have to figure out how to climb a damn water tower that’s as rusty as it can possibly get, then that’s what I’ll do.
“Let’s go see how the ladder looks.”
I leave the car running but lock it, since the lights are needed if we’re actually going to do this, and when we get to the ladder it looks like it’s been used recently.
Cam’s eyes light up with excitement when he looks at me, so I nod for him to go on. “Start climbing,” I encourage him.
It takes a bit of time, and I’m relaxed by how little the pieces of metal grind with our weight, so I’m not worried at all when we get to the top and Cam sits right there, leaning against the big container.
I sit next to him and enjoy the view, even make out a few places we just passed through in town. It’s only like five miles away, but it seems further right now.
When I hear the sigh from next to me, I reach down and take Cam’s hand, bringing it up to my lap and covering it with both my hands.
“You’re gonna be okay,” I tell him quietly.
He turns to look at me with wide eyes, and he searches my face for something . . . I really don’t know what.
“How can you know that, AJ?” He whispers the question but the desperation is loud and clear.
“Because I know what being lonely is.”
I don’t know where the words come from, maybe I’m possessed by the spirit of some wise old lady, but I’m just going with it.
“I know what it feels like to go to sleep at night in an empty bed and empty house and wish more than anything that there was someone there with me who actually wanted to be there for me. I know how hard it is to not accept anything less, to not settle for someone who’s just a good person.
I know the kind of pain waiting for the perfect person inflicts. ”
“AJ,” he whispers, and shifts his fingers in my hand to grip me tightly. “I had no idea.”
His eyes, so sad and brimming with everything I always feel and try to ignore when I’m in my big bed at night, are not something I can face right now. Not after saying . . . all of that for the first time.
“Well, I try to not dwell on it.”
“I guess I did the same a few years back.” He tries to sound cheerful, he really does, but I keep looking at the lights in the distance. “I guess you got used to this, huh?”
I turn to ask him what he means, and he holds up our clasped hands up for a second before letting them drop on my thigh again.
“Oh, yeah.” I release his hand and he lets me, while my cheeks warm with embarrassment. “Sorry.” I look away again and hope he can’t see the blush. He always teases me about it.
“It’s okay. I don’t mind holding hands.”
“Yeah? I like it too,” I confess, though I still can’t look at him.
“AJ, it’s fine, I promise. Look.” I feel him shift closer until we’re hip to hip, and then his arm is right in front of me and he’s grabbing my shoulder.
When I turn, when I see that happy shine in his eyes, I don’t think, I just . . . shift.
Just a little.
It can’t be much more than an inch, but it’s still a seismic shift.
When it finally registers . . . that I’m pressing my lips against Cam’s and that he’s completely frozen and . . . not kissing me back . . . only then does it occur to me that he might’ve only wanted a hug or . . . something?