Chapter 8
CAM
It looks like prom, it sounds like prom, and yup, there’s someone spiking the punch, so it must be prom. There’s even a disco ball spinning as it hangs from the tall ceiling. But it doesn’t feel like it did twenty years ago.
I was heartbroken back then, hiding the true depth of my despair from the few people who knew I’d had my heart broken, and trying to not ruin anyone’s night.
Tonight, I’m tired from a full day where I had to pretend everything was fine.
It is fine now. Now that AJ and I finally talked the way we always have—excluding the last twenty hours or so.
I couldn’t contain my relief when he didn’t bring up last night’s kiss again, and instead we just chatted. Laughing and just being with him has always been easy, and nothing makes me happier than the thought that we can always be like that.
And for it to stay that way, I can’t help but feel like what we need is to stop this boyfriend charade. No more hand holding, no more little hugs and looking deeply into each other’s eyes, and definitely no more kissing.
As we’re standing there, I’m just about to say exactly that when he takes my hand and interlocks our fingers. They slot in together so perfectly that I know it’s not going to be as simple as just calling this thing off.
I don’t think it’ll ever be simple again no matter how much I wish it could be.
I’ve held his hand for two days, non-stop it seems, and tomorrow night when we fly back home, I’m going to have to get unused to that.
“I see Shane over there,” he says and pulls a little on my hand.
Rendered speechless by how final my thoughts and feelings seem, I can’t do much but follow him.
“There you are,” Shane says as we walk up to the table, and I see Ray is there too.
“The lovebirds,” he cries out with a big smile gracing his face.
It actually feels like my lungs collapse for a fraction of a second, but then AJ’s snorting next to me, pulling a chair out for me to sit, and leading me down as if I were a child.
“If anything, we’re love eagles.” He corrects Ray with a straight face, and that snaps me back.
“We’re love lions,” I tell him, knowing he’ll love that.
He does. Throws his head back with a loud bark of laughter and everything.
“Man, I’m hungry,” he complains as he takes the chair next to mine and scoots closer to the table.
Something in my stomach twists when he doesn’t pull closer to me, but I have to ignore that idiotic and senseless feeling.
“You just ate like half of my mom’s cheesecake,” I protest, and make the light tone of my voice convincing too.
During dinner, my eyes keep drifting over to him, to that beautiful smile as he chats and laughs with my friends, and I have to keep forcing myself to look away.
It’s not until the plates have been cleared and the music is turned up, that one of those times that I look away, my eyes clash with Soren’s.
On the other side of the gym, he’s staring holes into AJ, and that . . . is worse than me staring at AJ, than letting myself take him in while I can.
“Come on,” AJ tells me, loud enough to be heard over the music, and he must see on my face that I didn’t hear what he said before. “Let’s dance.”
He practically picks me up before I can utter a single word in protest and leads me to the middle of the dance floor, right under the disco ball.
I stand there, stiff and awkward, and can’t shake the feeling that something about this isn’t right, that I really shouldn’t have ignored all of AJ’s attempts to talk last night and this morning.
“Relax,” he huffs out, and I jump about a foot in the air when he reaches up to circle my neck and presses his body flush to mine. “Just put your arms around me, Cam.”
His grumpy tone actually makes me relax, so when I do wrap my arms around him, I do it with a smile on my face.
“Good, yeah. Keep smiling like that.” He smiles too, though to me it’s obviously forced.
“He’s looking right at us,” he says without moving his lips at all.
“No, relax.” This time he snaps at me, and yeah I guess I did tense up at the reminder that Soren still hasn’t gone the fuck away.
“It’s no big deal, Cam. It’s just us, dancing. ”
His eyes move to me then, and in those deep blue pools I see something that looks a hell of a lot like regret. It clashes horribly with his forced smile, and with his words.
“And the kiss also wasn’t a big deal. I get that you didn’t want it, and I won’t do it again.”
“I—” I stop to clear my throat and to buy time because hearing that hurts more than I thought it would.
It didn’t mean anything, it was no big deal.
Okay, Cameron, time to adjust, pivot, get with the program.
But I can’t, not so fast.
“I need . . . to go to the bathroom.” I settle on that excuse since it always works.
“All right.” AJ’s smile looks stupidly genuine now, and that hurts even more. We walk hand in hand back to the table and I leave him there, with that insanely soft blue shirt that fits him like it’s painted on, and turn quickly to go to the bathrooms.
Out of the gym, I walk down the long hallway until I find them, the small opening in the wall that has a water cooler and the doors to the bathrooms on each side. I spend a good five minutes splashing my face with water, steeling my resolve to just let go.
I can’t keep holding on to so many things—to the past, to people who don’t want me to hold on to them.
All of it—
My back slams against the wall as soon as I walk out, and Soren’s right there, his eyes darkened with a desperation that isn’t only unattractive but also a little bit scary.
“What do you want?” I ask him, hoping I’m not going to be in the position where I’ll have to push him away forcibly. I really don’t like him touching me, though.
“I want you, Cam. We were so good together, weren’t we?”
“What? No we weren’t.” I lean back as much as I can and take a deep breath. His words from years ago flit into my brain when I smell his cologne, woodsy and sweet. I used to love it, but now . . .
I’ve been waiting for a fucking hour Cameron. No one’s going to wait around for you.
You’re not worth waiting for.
No one’s ever going to love someone as needy as you.
My brain snaps back to reality and I remember who I am.
Not only smart and capable but a grown man.
I’ve done more with my life than this asshole can even imagine.
I’m Cameron fucking Jameson, agent for the biggest athletes in the country, the one who gets deals done, the one always in control, always confident.
I’m still that man, even when I’m faced with the biggest mistake of my life.
Whatever he has to offer—if anything—I don’t want it, and more importantly, I don’t need it.
Sometimes high school love isn’t the good kind.
On the one hand you have Caden and Theo who, in my opinion, despite all the tragedies in their history, are perfect for each other even twenty years later. And on the other hand, you have me. I was in love with Soren, or at least so I thought, but in reality what I loved was an idea of him.
None of it was real.
In that moment I realize I don’t care what he has to say or what he had to say twenty years ago, and I better never forget it again.
But I’m so lost in my stupid-ass epiphany that I don’t notice Soren’s leaning in for a kiss until it’s almost too late.
Violent or not, I push him away with all my strength and, not gonna lie, I enjoy his stunned face.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m sorry, baby.” Ugh, gag. “I regret what I said that Valentine’s Day so much. I’ve regretted it for over twenty years.” The way he cries out just makes him look even more pathetic.
“Cam?” AJ’s deep voice has Soren and his whiny demand disappearing, but when I see the two men behind him, I know shit’s about to hit the fan. I nod at Rhett and Moses, then look helplessly at AJ.
What can I tell him? Especially in front of other people?
People we’re lying to . . .
People I probably won’t see for another decade . . .
I guess—
AJ extends his arm and offers me his hand.
That quiet support, that simple gesture is enough for me to finally move on, and as I do, I fall.