14. Will
Chapter fourteen
Will
I won’t let you break
I woke with a start, my eyes snapping open.
It took my eyes a moment to adjust to the dark room, and it took me even longer to remember where I was.
But, then I did.
Bolting upright, I glanced over at the other, now empty, bed, and my heart started pounding. Had he really run away again?
“Goddamn it,” I muttered. Throwing off my covers, I tried to ignore the chill in the room and stormed over to the bathroom and ripped open the freshly fixed door. When he wasn’t there, I returned to the bedroom, ready to scour the house... But then I noticed the flutter of the curtains.
Hesitating, I moved to the window and shifted the fabric aside. The window was cracked open when I knew without a doubt that I’d closed and locked it before bed.
Well, that explained the chill in the room.
Outside, moisture still pervaded the cool, night air but no rain fell. Farther away, I could still hear the sounds of music coming from the High Street.
The muddy ground at the bottom of the wooden trellis against the house seemed undisturbed, making me second-guess if Arthur really had come out here. But then I peered toward the roof.
Something urged me upward, and I decided to follow my gut. If he wasn’t there, I’d wake the others and start the hunt again. We could check the places he ran off to earlier...
Fuck . Please let him be wearing clothes this time.
After taking a moment to determine whether it was worth it or not to remain cursed for the rest of my life, I finally forced my tired body out onto the trellis, clinging to the wooden structure like a monkey.
Carefully, I began climbing up the latticework. Once I reached the top, I peered over to see Arthur sitting by the edge, staring out at the city beyond. Under the moonlight, his gold hair shone bright. He wore the sweatpants from earlier that day, thank God, though he wore no shirt.
I wondered if maybe I was intruding and was tempted to turn back around and return to the room, but he must have heard me because he glanced my way.
“Hey, there you are,” I said, pulling myself up onto the roof. When I stood to make my way over to him, I tripped over absolutely nothing and barely managed not to faceplant.
He barely acknowledged me, though amusement lit his gaze as he watched me approach.
“Did you think I tried to flee?” he asked, deep voice soft.
“No.” I scoffed. “Of course not.”
His lips twitched, not believing me for a second.
As I edged closer, I tried not to think of all the ways my clumsy ass could hurt myself at this height. But I was starting to feel more and more normal each day, so I just prayed to God that my curse wouldn’t have me tripping off the roof of this Airbnb.
As I cautiously sat next to him, I studied his profile again. He’d enjoyed himself tonight, so I wondered what had happened. “Hey, are you okay?”
Humming low in his throat, he closed his eyes and tipped his head toward the sky. “I’m not sure.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“About what?”
“Whatever’s making you sad.”
He laughed softly and without mirth. “It’s just... everything’s different,” he said, sounding so forlorn. “Nothing’s the same.”
“You know,” I said, staring up at the sky. “I took an astronomy course once.”
When his attention fell on me, I continued. “We learned about the stars, the planets, and constellations. And want to know something about the stars?” I met his gaze, struck by the intensity I found there.
“What is it?”
“They’re the same,” I murmured. “The stars you see up there?” I pointed at the sky, that was surprisingly clear tonight, the light pollution from the city not nearly as awful as I would have expected. I could make out some of the brighter stars and constellations really well, while the dimmer ones remained hidden from sight. “They’re the same ones from your time.”
He flicked his gaze to the sky now, his mouth parted in awe as he studied the sky with new interest. “They are?”
“Yes. There have been some stars that have died. Some that have been born since. But this sky? It should look about the same as the one you would have looked up and seen.”
I pointed to four, bright stars positioned in a shape like a trapezoid. More stars formed arms and other limbs, making a large constellation. “You see that? That’s the Hercules constellation.”
“Like Heracles? From the Greek stories,” he said, and I nodded. “I know some of him.”
“The myth says that Heracles, or Hercules as the Romans called him, was born after Zeus had an affair with a mortal. Zeus’s wife, the goddess Hera, tried to kill Heracles as a baby but didn’t succeed. Later on in his life she spelled him into insanity that caused him to kill his wife and children. He sought forgiveness and was told he needed to accomplish 12 tasks to absolve himself of his sins.”
“And did he?” Arthur asked.
“Absolve himself of his sins?” At Arthur’s nod, I shrugged. “Apparently.”
We were silent as we stargazed. I pointed out several other constellations in the sky, like Draco and the Corona Borealis. Arthur listened with earnest interest, captivated by the stories I told. It almost made me wish I’d paid better attention in class. But he didn’t know I’d barely passed with a D.
After I’d regaled him with all that I could remember about the constellations, we simply sat side by side in companionable silence. The music from somewhere in the city still filled the breezy night, and my foot tapped along to the slow beat.
“I enjoyed dancing with you tonight,” he admitted, breaking the quiet.
I grinned. “I did too. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It’s not an excuse, but I think I just didn’t want you to think less of me because I’m attracted to guys.”
His eyebrows pinched, and his mouth parted as if to speak. He hesitated, a look of uncertainty passing through his eyes. But as our gazes held, he seemed to come to some decision because he asked, “Do you know why Guinevere had an affair with Lancelot?”
I shook my head, curious about the shift in topic. But I sensed the change in the air and knew this was important.
He stared out at the lights in the distance. “Because I couldn’t love her. Not in the way she wanted. Not the way Lancelot could.”
Shaking his head, he let out a harsh breath. “I’d always known I was attracted to men,” he said, shocking the hell out of me. Because holy shit. I had not seen that coming. “I used to watch my foster brother Kay while he practiced his swordsmanship, would track the sweat that ran down his neck and soaked into his shirt. When I’d help him into his armor, I’d purposefully take my time, just so I had the excuse to touch him.
“When I became king, I found salvation through Christianity and devoted myself to the Bible. I hoped, if I just tried hard enough, put in enough effort, that my attraction toward other men would cease.”
“But I’m guessing it didn’t,” I said, my brain still struggling to get over this humongous news.
He was gay. Arthur. Was. Gay.
“No, it didn’t.” He leaned back on his palms, and his hair teased his lower back as he tipped his face toward the moon. “When I met Guinevere, I thought maybe she’d be the answer. She was so beautiful and kind and she made me laugh with her quick wit. We became fast friends. But despite her beauty and her talents and accomplishments, I never... desired her. Her companionship, yes. But not her body.
“It caused many troubles in our marriage. She wanted to be craved, understandably so. But I couldn’t... Every time we attempted to couple, I couldn’t do it. I think...” He licked his lips. “I think the reason I was so mad when I discovered her affair with Lancelot wasn’t because I was in love with her. I wasn’t mad because she’d been with another man, but because their affair reflected what I viewed as my incompetence. I knew Lancelot could give her what I could not.” His gaze flicked to mine. “Romance. Happiness. Devotion.”
“Were you ever...” I hesitated. “Did you ever have that with someone?”
He shook his head. “Earlier tonight... I wasn’t judging you, Will. Sometimes I struggle to express my thoughts correctly. My words get all jumbled and I don’t always say what I mean. But I just wanted you to know that tonight, I was pleasantly surprised to see such acceptance.” He held my gaze. “I miss a lot of things from my time, but not the judgment.”
We were quiet for some time after that, basking in the soft breeze drifting around us. It blew the strands of his hair around his face, and I willed my magic to conjure one of Dorothy’s hair clips from her bathroom into my hand. Only, I messed up, and the clip smacked me right in the nose.
Arthur laughed and allowed me to clip his hair out of his face.
“There,” I said when it was all done. “Much better.”
“Thank you,” he said softly, a gentle smile twitching his mouth.
I shrugged. “It’s just a clip. No biggie. Though, it’s Dorothy’s, so don’t let her know I took it.”
He chuckled. “No, not for the clip. Though, I’m grateful for that too.”
I cocked my head, glancing at him. “Then what did you mean?”
He peered at me out of the corner of his eye and grinned. “I haven’t handled everything very well. I came up here feeling like I was drowning, like everything was too much. Too new. Too different.” His smile widened. “But you helped me find a piece of myself in this new and strange world tonight. And for that, I am very grateful.”
My cheeks warmed because he made it sound like I’d accomplished some incredible feat. “I didn’t really do anything.”
“I’m not sure that’s true. It sure feels like something.”
“You know, you’re different than I expected you to be,” I said without thinking. When he raised his brows at me, I fumbled to correct what I’d said. “I just mean, everyone portrays you as this intimidating king in the stories.”
“Everyone?”
“Well, maybe not everyone. But a lot anyway.”
“Even after all this time?”
I smiled at the shock in his voice. “Yeah, lots of people know who you are. Your history is pretty misconstrued, though. Records tend to get twisted and lost, and sometimes, we have to make guesses as to what happened. Most people think of you as a myth because most of your chronicles disappeared. So what little remained was warped into many different stories. But yeah, man. I’d say a majority of people at least know the name King Arthur.”
“The reason why my history is probably missing or misconstrued is because after Camlann, Merlin removed any and all traces of my curse from the lands. I only know this because I watched it happen through his eyes. Watched as he evacuated Camelot before destroying it.” His mouth parted in an awed smile. “But to know that some of my past still remains, even if it is distorted from the truth, is incredible, really.”
I couldn’t even imagine what it would feel like to discover that people over a thousand years after your time knew your name. Sure, many of us hoped we wouldn’t be forgotten, but realistically, only some of us would be remembered with the passage of time.
Reaching over, I chucked his chin and chuckled. “Be careful or you might start drooling.”
Closing his mouth, he shook his head and stared out across the city lights. “I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure I’m worthy of being remembered.”
I frowned. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I’ve done many bad things. Made so many mistakes. Hurt so many people.” His breath caught, and a flicker of red skipped across his eyes as he glanced at me. The curse licked up his skin, and I wasn’t sure if he even noticed. “I am the reason thousands of people lost their lives, Will.”
Cautiously, I reached across the small distance between us to place a comforting hand on his. His curse licked at my skin unpleasantly, reminding me of the time I’d gone snorkeling in the Caribbean with Otto and had been swarmed by jellyfish. “You lived in a time where war was a near-constant thing. You can’t be blamed for that.”
His eyes glazed over as what I guessed were memories assaulted him. “You misunderstand. It’s not only enemy soldiers in war that I speak of.” As he blinked out of his thoughts, I held my breath, waiting for him to continue. “You know that I’m cursed, but do you know what happens when the curse takes over?”
I did because of my visions, though I decided to keep out that I’d seen his bloodshed myself. “You turn into a demon.”
Nodding, he glanced down at my hand on his. “Viviane warned me to only use my sword with honor and an untainted heart, or else I would be cursed. I broke that promise, so now, I become the very thing I hoped to protect my people from. I become a destroyer, lost to blind rage. I wreck anything and everything in my path. A berserker, I’m told the demon is called.
“There were times when I lost myself to the monster within. Whenever that happened, I hurt my people. I... killed many innocents.” His hand trembled under mine. “There is a reason Merlin transformed me to stone, Will. It is because I am dangerous, unstable. Without the Grail, I am bound to kill again.”
My heart sped faster at his confession, and I couldn’t stand the space between us any longer. Not when he was hurting like this, feeling so alone and afraid. I clasped the back of his neck and tugged him against me, letting his face burrow into my neck. He stiffened at first, but I only pulled him closer and slipped my arms under his until I was hugging his ribcage.
Ever so softly, so as not to surprise him, I removed the clip and combed my fingers through his hair. His heart pounded beneath my touch, and I breathed deeply into his shirt as I played with his long strands. “I’m so sorry you went through that, Arthur. I can’t even imagine the pain and remorse you’ve had to feel all this time. I do know that a curse is considered a curse for a reason. It’s not something we want. And you didn’t want to hurt anyone. Hell, the fact that it’s tortured you all this time shows just how much you didn’t want to. Yes, you’ve made mistakes. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that every person makes them. You can’t change what happened in the past, nor can you forget it, but you can learn from it and do everything you can to make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future.
“So we’re going to find the Grail, we’re going to lift your curse, and you’re going to become the king you were destined to be,” I said, meaning it with every fiber of my being. “I promise.”
“I’m not a king. Not now. I don’t have a kingdom anymore. Camelot is gone. My people are gone.” His breath hitched, and his next words came much quieter, “What is my purpose now? Were all those years of waiting to return for nothing?”
His vulnerability hit me hard, and I had to swallow down the emotions clogging my throat before I responded. “I don’t know why you were forced to endure what you did for so long. But one thing I’m certain of is that you’re going to become the man, the king , you want to be. Your future might look different than what was planned before, but that’s the thing about plans. They don’t always turn out the way we expect them to. So we need to learn to adapt so that when life changes our course, we can flow with the current. You’ll discover your new purpose with time, Arthur. Just be patient.”
As my words filled the silence, his body started to relax under my touch. His shoulders unbunched, and slowly, he wrapped his arms around me. His body was so warm and strong, and I couldn’t deny how much I liked the way I felt in his embrace.
“I don’t think I could survive killing anyone again,” he whispered into my neck, sending goose bumps skittering across my skin. His curse kissed my skin, only this time, it didn’t sting. “I fear it would break my soul into irreparable pieces.”
“I won’t let that happen, I promise. You’re not alone, Arthur. Whatever obstacles come next, we’ll face them. Together.” I clutched him closer, my fingers playing softly with the ends of his long hair as I vowed, “I won’t let you break.”
Wetness gathered in the crook of my shoulder, and it took me only a moment to realize that Arthur, the man of so many legends, was crying.
I held him tighter, letting him cry silently as we remained clasped together. I rubbed soothing circles into the muscles of his back and continued to run my fingers through the strands of his hair. He hummed low in his throat when I played with the hairs along the nape of his neck, and a tremble rolled up my spine when the hair of his beard scraped along the hollow of my throat.
It didn’t seem like much, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t take away his pain, but I could be there with him as he felt it. I just hoped it was enough.
I didn’t know how long we remained there, listening to the sounds of the city below and letting the light breeze cool our heat-kissed skin, but eventually, Arthur pulled back, swiping at his eyes.
He chuckled lightly as he rubbed at the wetness on his face. “Thank you. I feel much better.”
Smiling softly, I stood. I held my hand out to him. “Come on, big guy. Let’s get you to bed. We have a long day tomorrow, and we need to make sure you get enough sleep.”
He barely hesitated as he accepted my hand, letting me pretend to pull him to his feet. Because, honestly, my scrawny ass didn’t have the strength to lift jack.
Tugging him back toward the trellis, I dragged him down to our room. We were quiet as we snuck inside, the house silent except for my dad’s snores in the room across the hall.
Once back in the bedroom, we pushed our double beds together side by side. While I chose to sleep in my boxer briefs, apparently, Arthur didn’t. So I turned away so he could undress, and I had to remind myself to breathe as my brain conjured images of Arthur naked and slipping beneath the covers. And holy shit, wasn’t that a glorious image?
When he was settled, I turned over in my bed, finding him already facing me. He was close enough to touch.
“Will?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think... Never mind.”
I grinned, and his gaze dropped to my smile. “Hey, none of that. What is it?”
He seemed unsure as he asked, “Do you mind touching my hair like before?”
I laughed. “I don’t mind. Scoot closer.”
We didn’t say anything as we stared at each other in the dark, just a mere foot and a half of space between us. These beds were definitely not built for men of his stature, and they definitely weren’t Purple mattress-level of comfort, but I didn’t mind it right now. Not when I was close enough to count all the freckles on his face or feel the soft minty puffs of air as his breathing deepened the longer I combed my fingers through his hair.
“’Night, Arthur,” I murmured as my eyelids began to slip closed.
“Hey, Will?”
“Hmm?”
Arthur’s eyes were open again as he stared over my shoulder with a serious frown. “What’s your sundial named again?”
And I couldn’t help it if I laughed a little. “A clock.”
“Clock, yes. Now I remember. Thank you.”
“Sure thing. Now get some sleep.”
And as I drifted, I heard him whisper back, “Good night, Will.”