13. Autumn
thirteen
Autumn
“Holy shit,” I whisper-shouted as I reemerged from the icy lake.
I never got used to the feeling of the first drop into Lake Starlight, whose dark blue waters beckoned me.
It was a windy night, and it was an adjustment to get used to the temperature, but if anyone were to ask me what my favorite spot at camp was, I’d tell them it was right here, hands down.
I loved to swim, but I loved the feeling of cleansing myself from the day and the world around me.
It was far colder at night, but that was always the moment I chose to take a dip and clear my head.
When it came to Jamie, I figured the best thing I could do was literally cool off.
Normally, I’d have a swimsuit, but I’d foregone it after doing my nightly check at the construction site to make sure no one was messing around or damaging the work we’d done.
It was a rarity to find someone there after warnings and wishes from Leo and Hazel, but if there were interlopers, they were usually doing something harmless, like having a drink on half-formed structures or looking at the stars.
Hell, even I’d done it myself a couple of dozen times.
The walk back was always quiet and allowed me time to clear my head. We didn’t use the dock I liked to swim off for activities, and it was far from the pods, which was great because it gave me the peace I was looking for at the end of the night.
With each stroke I made, the cool waters enveloped me, soothing my mind.
The familiarity of our camp nestled against the expansive lake brought me solace.
It was a sanctuary where I could swim and immerse myself in tranquility, far removed from the crowded lanes at the college gym I used to frequent.
As I looked up at the clear sky, a sense of wonder brought me peace.
I continued the rest of my swim in backstroke, letting my restless thoughts settle.
As I observed the graceful flock of birds above me, all traces of stress melted away, but it only lasted so long.
It wasn’t a few seconds after I did a twenty-five-yard lap and somersault underwater that questions flooded my mind.
Questions I had little time to get answers to.
How did he fill his spare time? Did he like his job, his home, his life?
Had he enjoyed college after we broke up?
That one stung a little to think about, but the grown-up side of me hoped he had.
The less mature side wished he’d wondered about me now and then. And maybe pined just a little.
I floated on my back, my fingers dangling as I pondered this, until I heard muffled laughter and righted myself immediately.
“You know you want to,” someone said.
Shit. I moved quickly, trying not to splash too much as I made my way to the pylons.
“I am not going to ask him if he wants to Netflix and chill in the middle of the forest. Besides, no one uses that phrase anymore. Which goes to show how long it’s been for you since you’ve tried dating, you recluse.”
“Okay, then, hear me out: you do the yawning arm around shoulders thing—”
Oh god.
“No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend.”
It was Ren and Jamie.
I didn’t know how I’d missed them. They must have been at the ax range. The axes and bows were put away, but it was an open, isolated field. Fuck .
“It’s a classic. Or you could—” Jamie stopped talking.
I tried to see him, but I had no view.
“Or I could what?” Ren said. “Jamie? Hello?”
“You could just ask him out. He lives in Tacoma—that’s so close to us. But you can’t miss your opportunity now, especially when he’s living ten feet from you.”
Their voices drifted off, and I sighed in relief, swimming around for another five minutes before two feet stood above me on the dock.
“Breaking the rules? I see I had a good influence on you.”
I looked up and sighed. “Hi, Jamie,” I said guiltily. I hoped the dark water provided enough cover for me, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen the goods before.
“Autumn, Autumn, Autumn.” His shit-eating grin practically lit up the lake. “You know the rules. No swimming without a buddy.”
“That’s without a lifeguard, idiot. So, if you’re not trained, you should probably just…” I waved my hand in a move along gesture.
“Yeah, well, there’s safety in numbers.”
“And there’s annoyance in clichés,” I joked, pushing my damp hair behind my ear.
He was in gym shorts and a hoodie. It took me back to when he’d worn a similar outfit on game days.
That was what you got to see when your boyfriend was always on the go and constantly playing sports.
When I was younger, I’d wondered why sophomore him had decided to date a quiet freshman like me.
He’d had so much going for him, and I hadn’t fit the mold of a popular guy’s girlfriend. “How’d you even find me?”
“Maybe don’t leave a pile of clothes out in the open.”
“So you’re saying you saw clothes and said, ‘Let’s see who’s naked?’ Wow, creeper.”
“First off, I’m not trying to spy on some random skinny-dipper. I knew it was you. I recognized your shoes.” Shit. That was what I got for having neon pink running shoes. “And second off, I’ve already seen you naked.”
A burning sensation ran through me as blood rushed to my cheeks.
We’d avoided talking about this part of our past his entire stay, but now he’d thrown it out there, and it filled me with images of a younger us tangled together in the backs of cars and spare bedrooms at parties, desperate for any moment we could find.
He’d brought me out of my shell in more ways than one.
Jamie took off his shoes. Then his shorts.
My eyes opened wide with surprise. “What are you doing?”
“Contemplating our place in this vast universe.” His shit-eating grin told me he wasn’t doing that.
I ignored the ludicrousness of that sentence. “You don’t need to be in your boxers to do that, Jamie.”
“I can go if you really want me to—” He faked like he’d stop removing his shirt before looking to his right. Whatever he saw had him yanking the fabric over his head and grabbing both our clothes and shoes, discarding them on the rocks out of view before rushing to the ladder and dropping down.
“What?” I whispered quickly.
“I heard something.” He cringed as he felt the cool water and lifted his finger to his mouth. No words passed between us as we listened intently. Then I heard hooves. I lifted my head to confirm.
“It’s a deer, you dork.” I splashed him, laughing loudly.
He splashed me back before diving down and swimming away from me. Thank god, because I’d forgotten my sense of propriety and quickly remembered I didn’t need him seeing my naked extremities. It was going to be difficult. Doing that while treading water wasn’t easy.
I watched this handsome thirty-year-old enjoying himself like he was a teenager again, this time bathed in moonlight.
Suddenly, an image of one of my favorite moments with him popped into my head.
Six of us had broken into the pool one winter night when I was sixteen.
The risk factor of being caught had been high back then, and even though it was my stomping ground, if we’d been found out, I would have gotten detentions at best, a suspension at worst. But it’d been worth it.
He’d brought out the more adventurous side of me.
That night, we’d swam together in our own little world, ignoring our friends and holding each other close as we drifted in chlorinated water.
I remember wishing we’d had it to ourselves, and here we were again.
He swam back. “What are you doing out here alone?”
“I do this most nights.” By myself. “There isn’t exactly a lap pool.”
“So you still swim?” He referred to my time on the swim team. Jamie looked down into deep waters, his breathing drowned out by the small breeze around us.
“Yeah, I still swim.” I nodded slowly. Every time he realized something about me that he remembered from back then, he went silent, as if he was going inside himself.
It filled me with the same anxious need to make him feel better.
It was a strange urge. I hadn’t expected to feel that way for him again.
He wasn’t mine to worry about anymore. “You have to stop doing this to yourself.” To us.
“I can’t help it. Every memory feels like it wasn’t—”
“That long ago, I know.” I shivered at the thought. When these feelings washed over me, they made it hard to remember that enough time had passed that I was over it. Over him.
Jamie nodded, biting his lip as he stared at the stars above us and then looked at me heartbreakingly. “I want to know more.” He didn’t raise his voice above a whisper.
“More?”
“About what you’ve been up to. I love goofing off, but it doesn’t negate the fact that there’s still so much I don’t know. A lot has changed over the last ten years.”
“Oh.” That. Of course, he was interested, and admittedly, I was just as intrigued by what he’d been up to since leaving me. “How about you go first?”
He didn’t press. He didn’t know how hard this would be for me to bare myself to him, give him a bit more of myself after years of dead air.
“Me? Well, I stuck with UCLA for undergrad. Moved back to Seattle for law school. Then I was immediately hired by the company I’m at now.”
“Wow.” It was impressive, really. I’d had plans, too, and I’d deviated from every single one of them, but he’d followed through like I was supposed to. “You did the thing.”
“I did the thing.” He nodded, but his expression didn’t demonstrate pride in his accomplishments. I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking, and I wanted to know so much more. “You already know I’m an uncle now. And I’m still living in Washington.”
There was a twinge of sadness there, as though he wondered if he’d made the wrong decision. It felt so unlike him. He was always the guy with his eye on the prize, much like I’d been back then, but now that his goal was within reach, it seemed like he was unhappy. Like he was missing something.