32. Jamie
thirty-two
Jamie
“Take that exit.” Ren pointed to the sign indicating we’d be getting off in a quarter of a mile. “We need to make a quick stop.”
I tilted my head as I read it. I’d taken this stop a number of times. But that was just a coincidence, right?
Wrong. We ended up in front of the place I knew well.
Stepping out of Ren’s car to head up to my parents’ home was a visceral experience. I was hit with a familiar scent: wings on the charcoal grill mixed with the floral perfume of the rosebush my mom had transplanted from my grandmother’s house.
I should have known my devious friend had something up his sleeve.
“So, I know we didn’t discuss it, but this was your mom’s idea, and I told her I could strong-arm you into a stop. Surprise!”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks for doing this, man.” I patted Ren on the shoulder. He didn’t need to bring me to my parents’ house. We could easily have just gone home, but I had learned he was pretty selfless when it came to me.
I didn’t mention it, but I was grateful for the comforts of my family when I was going through a breakup that wasn’t actually a breakup. Somehow, it felt worse than a breakup.
“No need to thank me. I’d travel hours just for a taste of your dad’s marionberry cobbler.”
His cobbler really was that good.
“Uncle Jamie!” Adam ran down the porch stairs and threw his arms around me. The kid was downright angelic, from his toothy smile to his curly blond hair. He squeezed me as though he hadn’t seen me in years, but maybe to a little kid, six months felt like a lifetime.
Had it actually been six months?
I thought back to the last time I’d seen everyone for my dad’s birthday in March. I had missed Mother’s Day and Father’s Day because of two big cases I’d been working on that had me working through the weekends. Man, I’d been a terrible son.
“Where’s your mom?” I lifted him onto my shoulder so that he could spread his arms and fly like an airplane. He pointed forward, so forward I went.
We made our way to the back deck, and I teared up. My entire family was here. In the middle of a Thursday.
“How are you all here?” The lump in my throat made it hard to speak.
“Well, Marley and Sav had extra vacation time, and your dad and I took half-days,” my mom explained.
I couldn’t believe it. Taking time off and throwing a BBQ all because I’d be in their area.
“There’s my favorite second son.” My mom embraced Ren, bypassing her own child.
They’d only met in person a few times, but there had always been an easy rapport, and obviously, they’d been conspiring against me for this trip.
Ren reached for a slice of watermelon, but she smacked his hand away from the bowl, and he shook it out as if he’d been burned. “No dessert before dinner.”
“I’m a grown adult, Patricia.” He cowered behind Erin, who already had a slice in her fist.
Marley came up the deck stairs, laughing. “A grown adult hiding behind an eight-year-old.” She tickled the bottoms of Adam’s feet, causing him to squirm on my shoulder until I set him down. “Hi, big brother.” She kissed me on the cheek just as Savannah came up and opened her arms.
“Did you get shorter, Sav?” I ran my hand from the top of her head to my collarbone like the world’s worst measuring tape.
She elbowed me in the ribs. “Did you get snarkier?”
“Oh, you have no idea.” Ren leaned forward as though he had hot gossip. “ Jamie here is basically a whole new person.”
My dad turned from the grill to raise an eyebrow, but his curiosity shone through.
I tried to get ahead of the situation. “I don’t know what he’s talking about.”
“What did you do at that camp?” Marley pried.
“You know, normal stuff. Hiking, bird-watching, swimming.”
“Crafting, ziplining, making moon eyes at past girlfriends,” Ren added.
That got everyone’s attention.
“Autumn was there?” my dad asked. Obviously my letter hadn’t gotten back to my mom, or he would have known this information already. But him jumping to which specific girlfriend was telling.
Ren’s look of surprise put me in my place. It said, “You really only had one girlfriend?”
“I dated other people too,” I answered without his asking.
“It was Autumn, wasn’t it?” My mom vibrated with excitement.
“She was there. You wouldn’t believe all the stuff she does for the camp.” I picked up one of my parents’ linen cloth napkins we’d found at a yard sale probably twenty-five years ago, twisting it in my hands. Way to give myself away.
“I haven’t thought about her in a long time,” Dad mused. He turned back to the grill and flipped the meat, running a brush over them with his famous wing sauce.
My mom didn’t say anything, but the opposite was probably true. Every time I showed up without a date to a family function, she brought up how good a boyfriend I was and how I deserved to be happy. The only person I’d dated that she’d liked was my high school girlfriend. Go figure.
“Who’s Autumn?” Erin inquired. She looked just as interested as the rest of the group. I felt like I’d shown up with a dog to show and tell. Except for my dad, no one’s attention was on anything else.
“You know that photo of James before his prom? The one where he’s laughing like a fool?” Dad supplied, turning back around to give me his full attention too.
My parents still had a photo of the two of us in their photo collage in the hallway.
She’d worn a chartreuse strapless dress that she’d hated.
She’d pulled the thing up all night because it kept sliding down.
Autumn hadn’t been super into dresses back then.
I wondered if she was now. I also wanted to find that picture and remember better times.
I knew I’d look at it later to torture myself though.
“Ooh, she’s pretty,” Erin said. I wondered if she actually knew the photo they were talking about or if she was just taking part in the conversation to feel included. Didn’t matter. It was still the truth.
“Tell me you didn’t just let her go.” The seriousness in Marley’s tone had me feeling like the chastised teenager I was back when I’d dinged her car.
“Oh he did,” Ren cut in. “And he’s in love with her.”
“Dude.” I elbowed him before addressing my sister. “She lives in Wildwood. What would you have me do?”
“I don’t know. Maybe try, ” my mom interjected, eyebrows narrowed. “You were hung up on that girl for years. Tell me different.”
I thought about arguing, but she was right. And she probably already had a presentation with bullet points in her head for why we belonged together.
Ren watched with apt eyes as my family tore into me. I didn’t think this had been his intention, but it was happening, and I’d chew him out later.
My mom continued. “You’ve been so focused on that job that you’ve forgotten what matters.”
I wanted to shout. I’d been reevaluating everything and knew I’d had my priorities out of whack and needed to rectify that. But even though I was feeling a change, it wasn’t obvious. I’d have to put my money where my mouth was.
But this was my family, and as much as I hated to hear it, they knew what was best for me.
I hadn’t been with anyone in years, hadn’t even humored the idea of starting something with someone because I wouldn’t be devoted to them, but the idea that maybe I could have a family of my own wasn’t so daunting anymore.
The hard truth about that was, it was only after spending time with Autumn, after falling in love with her all over again, that the thought even crossed my mind.
But that wasn’t what she wanted.
“I loved my care package,” Ren tried, finally stepping up and being the friend I needed. “Thank you so much, everyone.”
“Did you get my drawing?” Erin asked.
Ren squeezed her hand. “I did. I’m going to put it up in my office.”
“I packed the Warheads.” My dad came up from behind me, placing the wings on the table. We all sat down and started loading our plates. “Reminded me of when I went to camp as a kid.”
“Way to rub it in our face, Dad. I always wanted to go to camp.” Marley whined.
Ren attempted to make her feel better. “Well, now you can. But Camp Starlight does have a bit of a waitlist. Although you may have an in…” He looked right at me and so did everyone else. So much for that friend save I’d been hoping for.
I had to force myself to get in the car after chatting with my family. Leaving them was hard enough. Leaving Oregon was like admitting that I wasn’t going back.
The wave of sadness that hit me when I pulled away was flattening. We drove in silence for a while before Ren pressed continue on the playlist he’d curated for our drive. The upbeat tunes we’d belted on the drive down now felt demoralizing.
I needed a reset, and I think Ren knew that, because he changed up the music to a playlist of ballads.
Instead of sounding comforting, it just sounded like heartbreak.
Physically, I had to drive between the lines, but emotionally, it felt like I was all over the place.
Like I was experiencing the five stages of grief all at once.
Denial.
I knew denial well. Sprinkles fell on the windshield and I waited long enough until it was difficult to see before turning the windshield wipers on.
The water washed away days of dirt and grime, which just reminded me that washing away camp meant washing away Autumn, and I wasn’t okay with that.
This wasn’t happening. I had only known adult Autumn for a week, and that wasn’t enough time to re-fall in love with someone.
I had been constantly busy during long Autumnless windows of time, so it made even less sense for these feelings to be true.
This was just a figment of my imagination, something I was building up into more than it was.
I was remembering past feelings and present, which created a cocktail of confusion, but confusion didn’t equal love.
Anger.
It was easy to be angry over the way things played out.
I gripped the steering wheel a little too tight, until my knuckles went white.
She didn’t want me, and that was good to know, but it didn’t take away my frustration.
We had something, I knew we did, even if she was too stubborn to see it.
I was mad at Past Jamie for the way he treated her and wondered if I had earned back that trust in the small window of time I’d had her.
But if she held my past mistakes against me, mistakes that took place ten years ago, then there was something wrong with her. I didn’t need her.
Bargaining.
Or… I could pull over and call her. Or text her.
I hadn’t done so at my parents’ place because I wasn’t sure what would happen.
She could respond, which might break me, or she could ignore me, which might be worse.
What did opening the lines of communication even do?
Maybe I could visit her again next summer.
Maybe things would be different. Maybe she would see that this was real then.
But that would be months without her. Months I didn’t think I could take.
Depression.
What hurt the most was the fact that I had offered to stay and she’d said no.
Even if that seemed unbelievable, I was willing.
“Total Eclipse of the Heart” poured through my speakers.
It was probably one of the most dramatic songs in music history, and it was screaming inside my head. Bonnie Tyler really understood me.
The only thing driving me to get home was the fact that I could sleep all weekend. Nap away this sadness. In my cold bed with my cold sheets. A bed I could spread out across because I had no one to kick me with their cold feet. God, was I missing bruised shins? I was truly pathetic.
Acceptance.
The drizzle came to a stop and sunbeams broke through the clouds. I could get over this. I had to.
But maybe I shouldn’t.
We had gone years apart, and after a short period of time, this wasn’t something that happened every day.
Something that could even be guaranteed to happen again.
No one was like her, and no one would ever live up to her.
When it came down to it, all of these emotions only solidified what I had to do.
Resolved, I wasn’t about to let love slip through my fingers again, not after years of knowing what I was missing.