33. Autumn
thirty-three
Autumn
Everything had fallen into place.
That was what I told myself as I sat in front of flickering flames at the staff campfire, clinging to a cup of hot cocoa and Baileys as though it were integral to my survival.
I had my dream job, and it was only getting better. After years of seeking their approval, I had my parents’ support. They’d been proud even. I’d never seen that coming.
I had my friends, the family I’d made. I had the outdoors and sunshine and tears in my eyes. I—
I was going to be fine.
The chaos from this summer session was finally winding down, a feeling I both enjoyed and lamented, but overall, it meant good things.
I’d have some time to work on making Camp Starlight better, something I loved to do.
I could get organized—and finish cleaning up the craft shed, because that was already driving me crazy.
I’d be able to work on building cabins with Jack.
I had a new role, and I was incredibly excited to hit the ground running.
Plus, I’d get an actual break at some point. All good things.
It just felt like my heart had driven away from me hours ago.
I imagined Jamie’s hand out the window, dancing through the wind, a smile on his face as he looked at his best friend, passing rock walls and ravines filled with trees.
This had been temporary. We both knew that. So why did it feel so terrible?
I remembered the way he’d made me feel at sixteen.
Like everything had been full of promise.
Like he’d never let me go. I remembered the second I’d realized I was in love with him.
The way the feeling had wrapped around me like a warm blanket.
But there had also been fear back then. Fear at curbing the many emotions I hadn’t known how to handle.
Fear that I’d never feel like that again.
And yet, here I was, sitting in sadness, wondering how he was, even though I’d seen him hours ago, and he probably was getting back to his real life and already forgetting me.
But a lingering sensation told me that wasn’t true and had me questioning if I was making the right decision.
Maybe this wasn’t the life I was supposed to lead.
I could give up my dream job, right? It was barely a job, anyway, when you thought about it.
Because you weren’t supposed to love your job like I did.
I could live in the real world with its pantsuits and noise and fast food within a twenty-mile radius. I—
I let out a sob. Quietly. Like a lady.
This was so unfair. We hadn’t even broken up.
We’d just gone our separate ways, like we’d planned on doing from the start.
But images of Jamie flashed before my eyes.
The anxiety in his eyes as I picked up an ax after throwing a bull’s-eye.
The way we held hands in bed. The way he looked in that robe.
I could call him right now and fix this. After all, this was a mess of my own making. And once we found each other again, we could… What could we even do?
I sobbed again. Thankfully, no one noticed.
They were too busy using aerosol marshmallow whipped cream over spiked cozy beverages, laughing and smiling, because this was a happy occasion.
The end of a successful summer. An uplifting, joyful, fun-filled summer with ups and downs, with mistakes and problems that had all been solved, because in the end, everything worked out for the best. I was fine.
“Sawyer. You’re too old for a keg stand,” Azalea yelled.
They flipped upside down, and Leo and Hazel rushed to their side to hold them up.
“I’m not responsible for anybody today,” they shouted. “I’m gonna live foreverrrrr!”
The group burst into laughter as they let out a belch and rubbed their stomach. What possessed them, I didn’t know, though I understood their need for recklessness.
More than anything, I wished I could share in their joy.
“Hey, Autumn, who won the shipping board?” Leo asked.
I tried not to roll my eyes. I was hoping I could get away without having to say anything. He looked on expectantly. He was never going to let me go without announcing his continued reign as our shipping board king.
“Well, I think it’s obvious who won so yay—” I spouted off quietly, but Leo cut me off.
“Autumn.”
I raised my voice and walked to the stage. Leo met me on the side, as if I were the emcee of this show and he was about to deliver his acceptance speech.
“All right, folks, the season has come to an end, and the winner of the shipping board competition is…”
People reluctantly patted their thighs to make some noise, but they increased it to a more enthusiastic rhythm because they couldn’t help themselves.
“Leo Lovejoy,” I proclaimed with as little fanfare as possible.
Hazel whistled, and she seemed to be the only one who was excited for him to win. The rest of us were poor losers.
Leo tried to nonchalantly hand me the busted-up kid’s soccer trophy we’d bedazzled a few years ago. The head was superglued on after we’d found it barely hanging on, the nameplate reading “Kevin Blevins.” We thought it was hilarious. Poor kid.
I took it from his hand and gave it right back to him, leaving my place to go back to my seat.
He lifted it high into the air. “Who wants to kiss it for good luck? There’s always next year,” he gloated—a true asshole. Then he gently petted the top and spoke into its plastic ear. “You’re going right back where you belong.” He kissed the statue before cradling it in his arms.
Hazel looked appalled. “You know we got it at the Treasure Trove, right? I can only guess how many grubby hands have been on that thing.”
Leo shrugged it off. “Yeah, but glitter negates bacteria.”
Nat’s arms crossed her chest and she spoke under her breath. “Maybe he’ll contract some disease and then someone else will have a chance at winning next year.” She’d come in second place, and wasn’t taking it well.
I let out a watery chuckle.
Before long, Lola and Luis were back at it again, making drinks even in their off time, like they truly loved to do.
It was on nights like these that their playing off each other’s unique tastes led to incredibly random drinks Frankensteined together to eventually become the new camp sensation.
That was how our PB&J cocktail came to be and the reason our secret menu included Paradise Mountain: a mixture of Mountain Dew and Malibu rum, which was surprisingly good.
Leo tuned his guitar while Hazel and Nat laughed at Lamar, who’d been sprayed with whipped cream by Sawyer. Felicia and Bobby were by the fire, roasting marshmallows. And Jack? Well, I couldn’t find him among the smiling faces.
“Hey there, stranger.” My best friend placed his hand on my shoulder, and I turned to face him.
“Hey.” Not sounding like myself, I cleared my throat.
“So he’s gone for good, huh?” Jack seemed surprised.
“Why wouldn’t he be?” I sounded despondent, but like I said, I was fine. “He doesn’t even live here.”
It didn’t make sense for him to live here, after all. He didn’t have a reason beyond being with me, and that wasn’t sustainable. Relationships didn’t last when lawyers left new opportunities to stay with their ex-girlfriends after a week of bliss.
That was just a general circumstance. Nothing specific about that at all.
“You know what I mean.” Apparently, he didn’t come here to play.
I said nothing. I didn’t have an answer for him.
He sat next to me and put his hand on mine on the bench. Leo started to play background music on his guitar while everyone continued talking. It smelled like smoke and the wilderness. It sounded like happiness. It felt like pain.
I stared at the fire like you weren’t supposed to, seeing little stars as my eyes protested. I turned to Jack again, only to find him with cheeks stuffed, holding out a marshmallow bag. “No,” I tried.
He reached in and grabbed me a marshmallow. Then a handful. It was incredibly unsanitary. I took them anyway.
The music stopped for a moment, and then Hazel’s striking voice started singing our goodbye song—“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey. A wave of pain washed over me. Goodbye.
Jack handed me another marshmallow, and I took it as a tear ran down the front of my stuffed cheek.
The music filled my ears as everyone else sang.
This campfire was the hardest one because it was the last, a culmination of everything from the entire summer.
After this, some things would be in the air.
We didn’t know what counselors would come back.
Sawyer could be gone next year. Or Nat or even Jack if he found someone else.
But I’d still be here. It was where I was meant to be.
Didn’t mean I wasn’t going to cry about it.
Jack shoved another marshmallow in his mouth. “Four.”
“That isn’t going to work on me right now. Can’t you see I’m wallowing?”
“You can marsh- wallow ,” he literally spat out, elbowing me as if he was proud of himself, and I couldn’t help but smile. He had me. I took four marshmallows and stuffed my face.
I wondered how many marshmallows Jamie could fit in his mouth.
When I was emotional, the tears always flowed over the dumbest shit.
I wiped them away, but they were too quick to keep up with.
Jack narrowed his eyes. He looked like a sad chipmunk.
He handed me two more marshmallows, and I shoved them in my mouth, turning back to the fire.
And maybe the sugar rush gave me the clarity I needed.
All those years ago Jamie had been sure about what direction our lives would go, and what was best for me. I’d hated it back then, even if he’d been right. But things were different now.
It was hard to imagine a world in which I could live without Jamie.
It had only been hours since he’d left, and it felt like I was having trouble breathing.
I wish I could blame the marshmallows blocking my windpipe, but I knew that wasn’t the case.
He was my person. He’d always been my person.
Even Leo knew, and that had to mean something, right?
I didn’t have to do this.
I blinked back my tears, unfisted my hands, and pushed against the bench, ready to leave, ready to go find him and fix this. I still had a chance.
But Jack tapped me on my shoulder, pointing through the flames. I blinked, wondering if I was witnessing a fire mirage of Jamie walking in my direction. Now I was just delusional.
Silence crept up on us, and I wasn’t sure if it was because my coworkers had seen him and gone quiet or because the world had fallen away.
It was just him and me.
He got on both knees and held my hand, kissing it. I started to speak and remembered how stupid I looked.
Oh my god, I was going to spray a cocktail of marshmallows and spit at the feet of the man I loved.
A stream of tears fell down my face, probably smearing the light layer of makeup I was wearing. I tried chewing, looking away from him toward where Jack was sitting, but he’d abandoned me. I turned back to Jamie, swallowing, and started the process again.
“Autumn—” he started. “Oh my god, I can’t talk to you when you look like that.”
I sputtered. “You can’t make me laugh, idiot!”
I tried chewing again, covering my mouth with my hand as my jaw worked overtime before finally, finally swallowing the last bit.
He wiped the tears from my eyes and smiled gently. “Hey, sunflower.”
“What are you doing here?”
Jamie’s eyes softened. “I was really craving marshmallows.” He squeezed my hand, and my heart fluttered. “Unless you ate all of them?”
I laughed again, and I swear the tears on my cheek flew from my face. I was a fucking mess.
He looked at me somberly. “I didn’t want to leave.”
He said it as if it was so easy. As if there weren’t a million things stopping him from being here.
“So you came back? Don’t you have to be at work on Monday?” I clutched his hand, unable to let go. I wondered how long I’d have him for. A few hours? A day? Would I have to say goodbye all over again? I didn’t care. I would take what I could get.
“I do. But that leaves us a whole weekend if you’re willing to drive me home. Then I’ll go back, I guess. For a month or so.”
“ A month ?” I practically shouted, gripping his shoulders. “What about your job? What about Seattle?”
“I don’t care about the job, and I don’t care about the place I’m living. I only care about you.” He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m going to quit and get my ducks in a row. But only if you want me—”
I practically jumped him, kissing him as though my life depended on it. Suddenly, I was standing up, his arms wrapped around me as he deepened the kiss.
“I want you.” I peppered him with kisses. “I want you so bad.”
“Yeah? Well, we can’t do that here,” he joked.
“Please don’t do that here,” Ren said from behind me. I hadn’t noticed he was here. Had they even made it home?
I ignored him and stared at the man in front of me. “I love you,” I blurted. “I think I always have. That sounds so ridiculous, doesn’t it?”
“I think I’m the only one who understands what you mean.”
“You do?”
“I feel like I’ve loved you for my entire life, Autumn. There’s nothing I want more than to make you happy. The moment you kicked my ass in our first debate, I knew I was done for.”
He kissed me again, and we only stopped when we heard cheers and claps. I turned to see every one of my friends, my chosen family, with the happiest smiles on their faces.