Chapter 10 Lannie
TEN
LANNIE
Leaving Jace is hard. This is his first experience with a guy. I almost laugh at that thought. It’s my first experience with a guy.
Maybe I’m being unfair. Jace isn’t a kid.
I can’t help wondering what he’s thinking. Is he changing his minding and wishing this were casual?
I’m equally worried he’ll get too attached. I’ve had several girlfriends. Alicia was my longest relationship. But Jace hasn’t had any experience. And I was his first. If he gets attached and then someone else comes along… It’s a likely scenario because a confident Jace is irresistible.
What if he wants someone else?
Am I really making this about me?
I’m lost in my thoughts on Monday. And I’m so focused on whether I should text him or wait for him to text me that I feel like I’m in middle school again. I don’t even realize the real issue until I’m standing in front of the Smitts’ door.
“Why are you knocking?” Suz asks as she pulls me into the kitchen. “Can you taste this chili for me? It’s a new recipe and I think it’s missing something.”
Panic sets in as I follow her. I can’t catch my breath. Suz asked me to check on Jace. She trusted me. And then I slept with her son.
Once we’re in the kitchen, she holds out a spoonful of chili.
I taste it, but it’s hard to focus. I shut my eyes, pushing away thoughts of Jace and his warm brown eyes. “Chili powder?”
“That’s what I thought too.”
I relax a little. I can do this.
We talk about Jace and how he’s doing, and Suz doesn’t seem to notice when my thoughts stray.
But thinking about a blissed-out Jace, kissing his sweaty brow, is dangerous territory. I turn away to hide my blush and guilt.
That night, I give in and text Jace.
Me: Just got back from family dinner.
Jace: Oh my God. How was it?
Me: Your mom says hi.
Jace: Was it awkward?
And I don’t say what I’m thinking. The guilt. The fear. If they find out—
Me: Extremely.
Then I ask the question most on my mind.
Me: How are you?
Jace: Busy, but good. You?
Me: I’m good. Really good.
And I can see Jace smiling at that with just a hint of dimples. And now I know what it feels like to kiss him there. Taste his skin.
As the days get colder and October turns into November, I continue like nothing’s changed. Go to work. Work on the aviary. Hang out with the family. And text back and forth with Jace.
But things have changed. I’m falling for him.
This is nothing like Alicia.
And when it ends—because how could it not?—I’ll lose everything. But I can’t stop. I live for each moment of happiness. Texting with Jace. Talking to Jace—because we now call each other regularly. I’m counting down the days until I get to see him again. Hold him again.
“Only two more weeks.” It’s Saturday morning, and Jace and I are chatting on the phone. This is our regular thing. We’re often too busy or tired during the week to call, so Saturday morning is our time to catch up.
“Until what?” He sounds amused.
“Thanksgiving.” There’s a tone in my voice, but I can’t help it. Maybe he’s not as excited as I am about seeing each other. I push back my fear.
“I miss Mom’s dressing.” His voice is wistful. “Wait, Lannie. You do remember I won’t be home for Thanksgiving, right?”
The truth hits me right in the chest. “But I thought…”
What had I thought? That Jace would change his plans for me?
“I wish I could come home. The only reason I agreed to go with Nikki was…” He hesitates, but only for a second. “You were going to be with Alicia at her parents’ house.”
“Obviously, that’s not happening.” I definitely have a tone now.
He doesn’t say anything. Is he upset? Angry? “Jace…”
“What do you want me to do, Lannie?” Definitely angry. “Tell Nikki I can’t go home with her because my secret boyfriend wants me to be with him?”
“No. Of course not.” I swallow my disappointment. He’s right. “I’m sorry. I just…” I blink back stupid tears. Why is talking about this so hard? “I miss you.”
His voice softens. “I miss you too. I hate hiding. I mean, it’s fine. It is what it is.”
It’s really not fine, but we leave it there. Neither of us is ready to tell anyone. And Christmas break isn’t far off. I’m tempted to make another trip to St. Louis, but he doesn’t suggest it, and I don’t want to just show up again.
Thanksgiving is torture.
The picture over Colton’s head taunts me. A much younger Jace. But it’s the same smile.
And it’s not just one thing. It’s everything.
Missing Jace. Knowing that if he were here, we’d have to pretend there was nothing between us.
The guilt of keeping this from the only family that’s ever cared about me.
The paralyzing and all-consuming fear that if—no, when—they find out, they’ll send me away.
“What did the pirate say when he scored even?”
Ruby groans, but Colton grins at his dad. “I don’t know. What?”
“PARRRGH.”
Colton laughs and Suz shakes her head. Then all eyes are on me.
“What?” Do they somehow know? I shove a forkful of green bean casserole in my mouth. Or rather, I try. A glob of it falls on my shirt.
As I wipe the spot, Frank makes the buzzer sound usually reserved for Rook tournaments. “This is your chance, Lannie. I teed it up for you. Take your shot.”
Right. But no jokes come to me. I used to live for this. Scouring the internet for the best dad jokes. I even followed a few content providers on YouTube and TikTok—one guy with a blue mohawk does nothing but dad jokes. But right now? I’ve got nothing.
“Leave him alone, Frank,” Suz says, giving me an understanding look. But what does she understand? Or think she understands.
“But it’s Thanksgiving.” As if that’s the best time for dad jokes. And maybe it is.
Suz gives him a pointed look—and that’s when I get it. She thinks I’m moping because of Alicia. Because I have a broken heart.
I can’t breathe. Another dinner. Another panic attack. This time for a different reason. Ben would tell me…
Ben would tell me not to cancel my therapy appointments.
And rescheduling during the holidays is next to impossible.
Not that I tried. I’m afraid Ben will tell me what I’m doing is wrong.
But would he? Or would he let me come to that conclusion on my own?
See, I don’t need to go. I already know it’s wrong.
But it doesn’t feel wrong. Not when I’m with Jace. When he’s explaining probability to me. Or when his eyes light up when he sees me. His smile when I tell one of my stupid jokes. The way he kisses, like he’s competing for something. Driven. But also, so damn sweet.
Why do I miss him so much? I swipe at my eyes.
“Lannie?”
“I’m fine.” But I can’t look at her.
“No crying during dinner,” Colton says, and Ruby smacks his arm.
I take a deep breath and shake out my hands. “I’m fine, everyone. I just…need a minute.” I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. My face is red and blotchy. Why am I a complete mess? I take out my phone to text Jace, but there’s already one waiting for me.
Jace: Happy Thanksgiving, secret bf.
Me: Happy Thanksgiving, Jace. Miss you.
Jace: I miss you too. Wish I were there. I’ll call tonight, ok?
Me: I can’t wait.
The overwhelming doubts are still there—you’re almost thirty. He’s a kid. You’re betraying this family. Risking everything—but hearing from Jace calms me, and I can push them away for a little while.
After dinner, we clean up. Well, Suz and I clean up. Frank’s watching the game. Ruby has a boyfriend now, so she’s off somewhere calling him. “You can go watch the game, sweetie. You don’t have to help.”
“I want to.” And that’s true. Doing something keeps me out of my head.
Suz and I have done this many times. Often, with Jace also helping out.
Once the dishwasher is loaded, Suz turns to me, and I know what’s coming. It’s the determined glint in her eyes. This is Suz’s meddling look.
“No. Whatever it is you’re thinking, just…don’t.”
“Don’t think?” She smiles, and it reminds me of Jace’s teasing look.
I dry my hands on the tea towel, even though they’re already dry. “I’m fine.”
“Maybe you should get back out there.”
Her words don’t make sense to me. “Out where?”
She shrugs. “On the horse, as they say.”
Oh. “I’m not interested in dating anyone.” Except your son. Heat floods my face. I’m a terrible person.
“You and Alicia were together for a while, and it’s only been seven months. But maybe it’s time.”
My smile is real this time. “I’m not— This isn’t about Alicia.” Then I duck my head. It’s easier to lie if I’m not looking directly at her. “I’m not ready. And Ben says I need to take time for myself.”
The last part isn’t technically a lie. Though Ben would definitely raise his brows at how I’m spinning it.
“Okay, sweetie. I’ll let it go.” She tips my chin up and catches my gaze. “For now.” And then she hugs me. Suz gives the best hugs.
I just don’t deserve them.