Chapter 12 Lannie
TWELVE
LANNIE
I always think of January as a gray month. Dreary. The sparkle of the holidays is over. The days are longer and colder. If December is the month for hope and good cheer, January is the month for despair and harsh reality. You spent too much money over the holidays. You ate too much food.
You ruined your relationship with the most important person in your life.
And fixing all that seems impossible.
Jace explained why he left. He’d been overwhelmed. He needed time alone.
Time away from me. He didn’t say those words, but this isn’t my first broken relationship. It is the first I want to save.
If only I knew how.
I go to work. Fix up the aviary. Spend time with my animals. I might even confide in them. Therapy isn’t helping as much as it was. Mostly because I’m not being honest. Ben can tell I’m not fine and says he’s here when I’m ready. What if I’m never ready?
At night, my mind replays the highlights from my moments with Jace.
Kissing him behind the Douglas Fir. His face when he opened my present to him.
A hummingbird. Not a real one. But a knick-knack for his apartment.
Baking with him—which involved more kissing—and holding his hand while we walked around town and looked at Christmas lights.
And then reliving the nights with him wrapped in my arms.
We’re still together. But he feels so far away. He graduates in four months. He can go anywhere. Will he want to stay close to me? Or get as far away as possible.
It’s the middle of January, and Suz asks me to help prepare for the school bake sale. We’re surrounded by baking supplies.
She spoons batter into the baking cups and clears her throat. “I had a talk with Luella the other day.”
I thought she was done with this. “Suz, I’m not—she’s a nice girl. Woman. But—”
“Stop, Lannie.” She laughs. “I’m not trying to set you up. Luella’s actually dating a guy in accounting now.”
“Oh. Okay.” I finish cutting the cookie bars, not sure why we’re talking about Luella. But also not wanting to ask.
When she finishes the cupcakes, she puts them in the oven and turns on the timer. She avoids looking at me as she works. Suz loves making eye contact, so this is intentional. She washes her hands, dries them, and leans back against the counter.
“I wasn’t sure if I should bring this up or not. I’m still not sure. But I hate seeing you so miserable.”
So much for hiding it. “I’m fine.” And I’m not sure I want to know more, but I have to ask. “Bring up what?”
“I was worried Luella would be upset at…everything.” She gestures toward the living room. “But she wasn’t. She liked you, by the way.”
“That’s…nice to hear.”
She snorts at that, and then her voice is serious. “She said you were already taken.”
“Oh,” I say lamely, almost knocking over the vanilla extract. I press my hands on the island, trying to stop the shaking. “She said that?”
“Is it true?”
I shrug, not sure what to say.
The kitchen is filled with the scents of cupcakes and blueberry muffins. It’s always been one of my favorite rooms in this house. Suz washes a few things by hand and then sets them in the drying rack.
“Now that we’re caught up, we can focus on you.”
“Me?” Did I really expect her to forget what we were talking about and move on? No. Hope? Yes.
“This hem-hawing around is getting us nowhere, Lannie. I want the truth.” She gives me that mother look that works on Jace every time.
“Um, what truth?”
“Are you and Jace together? Dating or whatever? Luella said it was obvious. At first, I thought she was wrong. I mean, Jace used to have a crush on you, but— None of that matters now. Well?”
I can’t lie to her. “Yes. Since October.”
“When I sent you to check on him?”
My face feels like I put my head in the oven. I can’t look at her. I nod.
“And the blow-up on New Year’s Eve wasn’t about the Rook game?”
“No.”
“I see.”
I sneak a glance at her. She doesn’t look angry. Disappointed, maybe? “I’m sorry, Suz. I hated keeping this from you and Frank. We didn’t know how you’d react, and I—”
I shake my head, unable to go on.
“You didn’t want to lose us,” she says in a soft voice, “this family.”
I wipe my eyes. “Yes and no. I didn’t want to lose you, but that’s not the main reason.”
Her brow furrows. And then her eyes widen and she presses her hand against her chest. “This is about Jace.”
I nod, letting the tears fall.
“Oh, Lannie. Does he know you’re in love with him?”
My eyes dart to hers. My heart is pounding. “No. How do you know?”
“A mother knows these things.” She walks around the island until she’s in front of me.
“The way your parents disowned you was unthinkable,” she says, her voice rough with emotion.
“We would never—” She wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
“We love Jace unconditionally. We might not agree with everything he does, but we will always support him. Do you understand?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She laughs. “If that’s the reason for whatever’s making you both so miserable, then rest assured. You can’t come between us and our child.”
I nod again, dropping my head as my stomach hollows out. I’m not sure why. This is a good thing, right?
She tips my chin up. “And that goes for you too, Lannie.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m going to say this. And I get you might have to hear it a few times to believe it, but you becoming our neighbor was one of the best things to ever happen. We love you, Lannie.”
I want to believe her. But believing in my family and then losing them shattered me. But my heart immediately rejects that argument. It’s not the same. My parents never liked who I was or what I did. And when I stopped going to church, their church, it was too much. Church was everything to them.
“Thank you,” I manage to say. “That means a lot. I love all of you so much.” I try to stop there, but I can’t. “I know I betrayed your trust…”
She shakes her head. “You still don’t get it.
I might not agree with everything. Especially keeping it a secret, but we love you.
” She pauses as if waiting for an acknowledgment from me, and I nod.
“That’s not dependent on who you are or who you love or whether you go to church. We love you unconditionally.”
I hug her, not sure I deserve this woman or her amazing family, but I want to deserve them. And Suz gives the best hugs.
When she pulls back, she clears her throat and gives me a stern look. “Stop shutting Ben out. He’s there to help you.”
“Did he say anything?”
“Of course not. But if you were talking in counseling, you wouldn’t be this miserable.”
Ruby and Colton’s arguing warns us right before they step through the door. They stop and stare at us.
“What’s going on?” Ruby asks. “Did someone die?”
Colton’s eyes are big. “Are you crying?”
“There is nothing wrong with crying,” Suz says. “And no one died. But we have to have some rules, so there’s no crying during dinner—”
“Or Rook,” I add. And then smile because it reminds me of Jace.
“Or Rook,” Suz agrees. “But we’re baking. And in baking, crying is always allowed.”
After dinner, I help Suz clean up. It’s actually Ruby’s turn to help, but she has no problem letting me take over.
“So what’s your plan?” Suz asks.
I stack the cups in the dishwasher. “Plan?”
“My sources tell me Jace is just as miserable. How are you going to fix this?”
“Nikki,” I say with a shake of my head. I hate that Jace is unhappy. Although it might be worse if it were just me. “I’m not sure. He doesn’t want to tell anyone about us.”
“He’s protecting you. But we’ve discussed this. It’s unnecessary.”
I scrub my hands over my face. “Frank is going to hate me.”
“Hate is a strong word.” She puts her hands on her hips. And I’ve seen her do it enough that I brace myself for her next words. “I can’t say how his dad will react. But Jace is either worth it or he’s not.”
She’s right. I need to be brave for Jace. “He’s worth everything,” I admit. And a small tendril of hope sparks in my chest. I can do this. “Any suggestions?”
“Show up at his apartment with flowers?”
“Cheesy. It has to be original. Unexpected.”
She studies me. “Huh. Okay.” Her gaze shifts to the calendar on the refrigerator. “I have an idea on how to get him here,” she says with a grin. “And I’ll leave the rest up to you.”
“Thank you, Suz.”
“You’re more than welcome, dear.” She gives my arm a quick squeeze. “You know how much I love a good meddle.”