Chapter Nineteen
Amsonia’s face crumpled. “I can’t believe . . . my own family . . .”
The sight of her tears made him want to kill for her, made him want to comfort her. He longed to touch her. He could not. He must not.
These cruel talons would rip her to shreds. The only thing he had to offer was his protection.
—The Dragon and the Blue Star by Analise Crewe
Ana paced the long hallway, steeling her nerves. She’d arrived home to a silent house. She was to eat supper alone, again, McArdle informed her. His Grace had barricaded himself in his study with a visitor. No other information was given.
Enough. She’d had enough with the whole situation.
She must force Warburton, Deckard . . . what was she supposed to call him now?
She must force him to speak his mind, answer her questions.
His actions that afternoon had obviously been an act designed to stave off gossip, and while she appreciated the gesture, it left her feeling hollow inside.
She couldn’t marry someone who had no genuine affection for her.
She thought too highly of herself for that.
She paused outside the parlor door, hearing loud voices from inside. The duke and . . . Lady Glynis? What was she doing here? Ana lingered outside the door, not wanting to interrupt their conversation.
“Have you seen the scandal sheets?” she heard Lady Glynis ask. “They’re having a feast off this: A Marriage Made in Haste. To Wed a Winsome Ward. It’s humiliating!”
“I don’t read the scandal sheets,” was the cool reply.
“Well, you should. Then you might reconsider your rash promise to marry.”
“You were there, Aunt, you saw us in a compromising position. Is there any other possible outcome?”
“It was only myself and Mr. Norwood who saw you. And you extracted a promise from him not to tell anyone, as well as making a most sizeable donation to his publishing company, I understand. I’m certainly not going to tell anyone. So why must you marry the girl in such haste? Tongues are wagging.”
“If I don’t marry her, the possibility of ruin will always be around the corner. I will remain unscathed, and she could pay the price if the truth came out. I won’t stand for it.”
“You’re too honorable by half. And I always thought you such a heedless young buck, arrogant and cocksure.”
“You thought rightly. I was that man, Aunt. I thought the world should bend to my every whim. I was heedless and even cruel. The war changed me.”
“Still, you can’t possibly be considering going through with this unsuitable marriage.”
“We marry by week’s end by special license.”
“Care you nothing for this family’s reputation?”
“I made a promise to see her future secured.”
“That damned battlefield honor of yours. Surely a dead man can’t force you to throw your life away.”
“It’s my duty.”
“You’ll be saddled with an inferior bride forever.”
Ana could bear to hear no more. She rushed down the hall, tears blinding her eyes. She couldn’t marry him! He thought she was inferior and he was only marrying her because it was his honorable duty.
She ran down the stairs and was halfway across the entrance hallway when a booming voice halted her progress.
“Just where do you think you’re going?”
Keep running, or turn and face the dragon? Running was a coward’s way out. She should be able to face him, to tell him her feelings and see the truth or lies on his face when he responded.
She turned around. “I’m leaving, Your Grace. I can’t marry you.”
“And why is that?”
“Any number of reasons, the chief among them being that I just now overheard you and your aunt speaking about me in the most demeaning of terms. I will not be your burden, an inferior bride you only marry out of a misguided sense of duty.”
He reached her side. “Come, let’s not speak out in the open. Allow me a moment to explain everything.” He held open the door to a sitting room. “Please, Ana?”
Drawing a deep breath, she followed him into the room.
“Am I just another war for you to win?” she asked, after he’d closed the door.
“I’ll admit that marrying you was not the plan. But any good general will adapt his strategy when confronted with new intelligence, fresh challenges.”
“You’re only tied to me by your own decision; your honor isn’t at stake. Can you possibly want this? I’m not some duty for you to dispatch.”
“Are you not? I may not be the partner your father or you would have chosen, but now that we’re bound by circumstances and mutual benefit, we’ll win this together.”
“Bound! Like a chain around both of our waists. What of . . . free will? Spontaneity? What of affection? Marrying me is like some military campaign you’re under orders to complete.
You’re approaching this in the same way I imagine that you approached an enemy skirmish.
You prepare your defenses, you look for weaknesses to exploit, you fix on a strategy, and you never waver, you just steadfastly see the thing through. At whatever cost.”
He winced. “That’s not true. I care about your welfare and your reputation.”
“I’m nothing but an obligation to you.”
He took her hands in his. “Ana. I understand your misgivings. A beautiful young lady could do far better than a wounded, scarred man like me.”
“That’s not it.” She shook her head impatiently, but something about the clasp of his hands was making her head spin and her thoughts scramble. “There’s another thing: I’m still angry at the way you bribed Mr. Norwood to publish my novel.”
“Your novel is excellent. Once it’s in print, it will be up to the book to find its audience. It’s going to be an instant success. You’ll see. I’m fully confident in this matter.”
“I wish I shared your confidence.”
“You don’t require me, or any reader, to tell you that your book is good. You must know it in your heart. Believe it.”
She paused. This wasn’t the way she’d envisioned their conversation going.
She’d expected him to be his usual abrasive self, to bark orders and push her away.
Then she would have been justified in leaving.
Instead, he was encouraging her to believe in her writing.
It was almost . . . sweet. A word she’d never thought of using to describe the duke.
“Even though I’m not the match you would have chosen,” he continued, “I swear to you that you shall want for nothing, you shall finish dozens of novels and become a celebrated authoress. I will help you achieve your dreams, Ana.”
“That’s all well and good”—she attempted to keep the sternness in her voice, even though he was softening her resolve to leave—“but I would set some rules of engagement if we are to go through with this.”
“Such as . . . ?”
“You can’t be so silent all the time. You must promise to speak in fuller sentences and to allow me to know your thoughts from time to time. I don’t even know what to call you. Am I to use Warburton, or Deckard, or do you want me to go around calling you Your Grace?”
“Dex. That’s what my friends call me.”
“I would also ask for your help in placing an advertisement in the papers, asking for information about my father. With a generous reward. Something to catch people’s eye and increase my chance of finding him.”
Was that pity in his eyes? “It will be done, I swear.”
“And I want to know about your past, what you were like as a young boy, things like that.”
“I was a right little imp. Anyone will tell you. I bossed my younger brother about and turned my nursemaid’s hair gray.”
“Did you always play with toy soldiers and dream of being a military commander?”
“You ask a lot of questions.”
“You’re a mystery for me to solve. The mystery of the duke who lost his smile. I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling. What made you the way you are.”
“Men don’t talk about their childhoods or divulge their innermost feelings.”
“That’s a shame.”
“We have unspoken communication.”
“In other words, silence. Do you know that my father described you in his letters as a handsome, charismatic, and fearless commander?”
“I was those things, at least that’s what everyone told me. I was coddled and flattered. It made me heedless and selfish.” He stroked his fingers over the back of her hands, making her knees go weak.
“Ana, you think there might be glimmers left of the man I used to be somewhere buried inside me. I’m telling you that man wasn’t worth saving.
I thought I was invincible. I never considered that my actions might put others in danger.
And the man I became after the war? Well, that man isn’t handsome anymore, certainly not charming or charismatic.
And as for your father, he was a better man by far.
A true friend. We played cards together most evenings.
Whist. Piquet, when we couldn’t find enough players. ”
“And who won?”
“Mostly he did, Ana.” He sighed. “It’s not good for you to dwell so much on this mad hope that he’s still alive.”
“I keep him alive in my mind. It’s what he did for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“My mother died in childbirth, and he kept her alive for me by telling me memories, stories about her. I miss him so terribly. If only he were here. He would give me advice about my novel. We would share all the dear familiar jokes, laugh until we cried.”
“I’m sorry, Ana.” He touched her cheek, wiping away a tear.
Her name said in his deep, rough voice felt right, somehow.
“He was a wonderful man, a friend and a stalwart soldier. The world is darker for his loss. I know your hope for his survival springs from a pure and loving place. And I also know that he would have been very proud of the woman you’ve become—inquisitive, talented, bright.”
She blinked. She was dangerously near to crying.
Instead, she launched back into the subject of their marital bargain.
“If we are to marry, you can’t keep so many secrets from me.
Everything about you is locked up in compartments, like that wardrobe in the forbidden room I’m not supposed to open.
Everywhere I turn, more mysteries. I found a list you made, women’s names.
Kitty, Tessie, Janet, Laurel. Who are they? ”
He dropped her hands, a shadow passing over his face. “Ana, you must let me keep certain parts of my life in the past. Please trust me, there is nothing in that room or written on that paper that is a threat to you.”
She wanted to know his secrets. He couldn’t give her that. But he could keep her safe. Make sure no man ever threatened her again. No woman tried to sell her body into servitude. He’d be her protector, her lover, her guardian. Pledge to guard her body, her spirit.
While keeping his heart locked tightly.
“Ana, I will attempt to fulfill your requirements for more communication, and less secrets moving forward. And, for my part, I pledge that this marriage will ensure your safety, nurture your writing ambition, and that you will not lack for pleasure.”
“Pleasure . . .” She bit her lower lip. “Of the carnal variety.”
“Just so. You’ll be well-pleasured in our marital bed. If you’re a good girl.”
“What does that mean?”
“If you obey my rules, my commands.” He cradled her cheek in one of his large hands. “Do you know where I always express myself eloquently?”
She shook her head, her breathing ragged.
“In the bedchamber. I’ll give you instructions, encouragement.
I’ll tell you how beautiful you are, how much you please me.
” He closed the slight distance between them, leaning down to whisper in her ear.
“And if you’re naughty, I’ll take you over my knee and spank you.
And you’ll like it. You’ll beg me for more. ”
He moved his hands around to squeeze her bottom, bringing her hips flush against his hardness.
With his hands still cupping her bottom, he kissed her deeply, expertly.
Tasting her sweetness, reveling in the silken heat of her mouth, the soft sighs that escaped her lips.
The way she twined her arms around his neck to pull him even closer.
This wasn’t just the frissons . . . this was an all-out riot inside her body. Hot and cold at the same time, melting and languid and yet so exquisitely aware of every movement he made.
The way his tongue filled her mouth made unfamiliar muscles inside her clench and unclench.
So deliciously good. She wanted more. She lifted her lips and he complied, kissing her again, his hands roaming to her waist, gripping her tightly.
When the kiss ended, Ana felt dazed, as though she’d stared at the sun for too long. He released her gently, a serious look on his face.
“Our marriage will be full of physical pleasure, Ana. And friendship. We will be a team, nothing more. Nothing deeper than that. I am what and who I am for a reason. That won’t change.
Please don’t expect any magical transformation, or a rake’s redemption, like the ones you might write in your novels.
There is no charming prince hiding behind these scars, just more scars, in layers all the way to my core.
The sooner you accept this, the more content we will be. ”
Ana took in this uncharacteristically long speech, the blazing flush caused by his touch fading quickly. He obviously meant all he was saying—or thought he meant it. She wasn’t sure which.
“And you can live like that? Never being truly intimate with anyone, never giving your heart or accepting someone else’s heart in return?”
He gave a short laugh. “I have learned that hearts are given and accepted far too lightly for my taste. I’m better off without one, mine or someone else’s.”
So he had loved someone once, maybe. Perhaps he’d been ill-used. The thought was a kernel of comfort in the wash of confusion caused by his words. A broken heart was still a heart. And broken hearts could be mended.
His was well enough to show her kindness, to take care of her, to promise her the career of her dreams. To set her on horseback and ride straight into the maw of the ton with her, just to show her that there was strength in simply being oneself. This was a heart worth saving.
And save it she would.