Chapter 6 #2
His easy silence gave the threads in her mind a chance to pull together into coherent thought, and words started tumbling out of her mouth.
“I’m going to lose the house, and you know what it’s like on Bloom Lane.
There’s a waiting list a mile long, so they never go on sale.
We only got it because Matt’s mom used to play mahjong with the owners.
And yes, I hear myself. My marriage blew up, but I’m babbling about a stupid house. ”
“Didn’t even hear a word you said.” He held up his phone. “I’m crushing this game. Besides, this is a no-judgment zone.”
“Okay, but I’m judging myself. Because, really, how shallow am I?”
“You grew up in apartments with parents who worked a lot. Why wouldn’t you want the stability of a home?” He gave her a chin nod. Go on.
“Says the man who saw my journal and gel pen collection.” She covered her face with both hands. “How mortifying was that?”
“Oh come on. That wasn’t nearly as lame as the frilly bedspread.”
“And it was pink.” It not only felt good to laugh, but it also opened space inside her. “I want to be angry with him. I keep trying to drum it up, but how can I when I’m just as much to blame?”
He tensed. “Blame for what? You had no part in his deception.”
“No, not that. I keep thinking… How can you live with someone for three months and not have a single clue he’s going through something so big? I mean, did I even know him at all? And worse than that, how well did I want to know him?”
“You only knew the part of him he wanted you to see.”
That was a good point. “But shouldn’t I have sensed he was hiding parts of himself?
When we were kids, I wanted to know every single thing about you.
I dreamed about going into your room and opening your drawers.
I wanted to know what you thought about, what you wanted in life, what books you read, and what you snacked on during road trips.
I wanted to know whether you shower in the morning or before bed, and if you wear boxers or briefs or go commando.
And maybe that’s just because you were so closed off, and I couldn’t read you.
Man of mystery and all that. I don’t know.
I just know I was never that interested in Matt. ”
He set the phone down on the blanket. “I wanted to build things. I wasn’t sure if that meant houses or motorcycles, but after working with a contractor for a few months, I realized I preferred houses.
I liked imagining how the family would use each room.
I read apocalypse books and was never much of a snacker.
Don’t like chips or pretzels. Not a fan of packaged desserts. ”
It was the first time he’d ever shared himself with her, and she loved it. “That’s because Ava spoiled you.”
“Fair. I always shower in the morning, but sometimes I do it at night too. Depends on the day. And boxers bunch up when you wear jeans, so I prefer briefs.”
“Well, there you go.” She smacked the mattress with her hand. “You’ve proven my point. Now that the mystery’s gone, I’ve lost all interest in you.”
He barked out a laugh, and it was so rare and so beautiful that her pulse beat out of control. That rush of connection between them came flooding in. It kicked up the long-buried yearning that defined her childhood.
No. Nope.
Absolutely not going back there.
She’d come too far to go back to obsessing over a man who, she knew from experience, would get up abruptly and leave her feeling like she’d done something wrong.
And she really couldn’t bear to pile on any more emotion today, so she cut the intimacy and returned to the conversation.
“Bottom line, I didn’t like Matt in the way a woman should like the man she’s going to spend her life with. ”
Shifting a knee onto the mattress, Jude faced her.
“And now, I’m left with a million unanswered questions.”
“Like?” he asked.
“Where am I going to live? I’m too old to sleep on my dad’s couch, and my mom’s so set in her ways, she’d hate having to share her space with me again.”
“There’s an apartment over Wild Billy’s. You’re welcome to stay there.”
She smiled. “You have an answer for everything.”
“I’m not the one in the middle of a hurricane.”
“Are you sure about that?” she asked. “The single bartender who roams from one city to the next has just been saddled with a five-year-old. You must have big thoughts, too.”
“Nah, I can do anything for six weeks.” He scowled. “My only big thoughts involve ripping your ex a new asshole for putting you through this.”
This man. He roped her in with his big heart but then left her cold and alone when he shut down. “You know what I just figured out? I think maybe you care about so many people—your dad, your brothers, Ava, your friends—that you don’t need romantic love.”
He reared back. “Where the hell did that come from?”
“Have you ever had a girlfriend?” She added another pillow to the stack behind her, plucking the T-shirt away from her chest.
“No.”
“And you don’t get lonely?”
He shrugged. “Not really. Hard to do that when my phone’s always blowing up with texts from my idiot brothers. Plus, I work in a bar, so I’m surrounded by people all the time. I like coming home to quiet.”
“Yeah, but there’s an intimacy with a lover you can’t get from friends and family.”
He let out a huff of breath. “I get plenty of intimacy.”
Of course he did. “But is that satisfying for you?”
“Well, I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t satisfied.”
“Okay, but the women are mostly strangers, right?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“So you don’t really know them.”
“I know as much as I need to.”
“That’s what I’m saying. We’re total opposites. You have so many people in your life that you don’t need an emotional attachment, and I have so few that I crave it. Like I can’t have sex without it.”
“And now you know why I kept my hands off you in high school.”
“Oh, please. Let’s be real. You didn’t like me like that.”
Something about his expression was off as he studied the blanket. It was hard to read him, but she only had this one night to get the truth. And she needed it. She needed to know.
The quiet, the darkness of this room… now was her only shot. “I don’t know if I wasn’t cool enough or hot enough, but I mean, you slept with everyone except me. I figured I was too… plain Jane or something.”
His gaze swung up and looked her right in the eyes. “What the hell did you think I was doing in Wild Wolff Village all the time?”
“I don’t know. You worked there?” She hadn’t really questioned it.
“No, I didn’t.” He shook his head. “Drop it. Anyway, go on with what you were saying about the douchebag.”
“No, Jude. This matters to me. Why were you in the village all the time?”
“I was trying to run into you.” His tone sounded assertive, almost like an accusation. “That day with the raccoon? That was no coincidence.”
“Did you know where I lived?”
His gaze dropped to his phone. “I knew your parents lived in employee housing.”
“Wait. Are you saying you came by to see me…with your girlfriend?”
“No—” He must’ve remembered who he was with that day because his eyes lit up. “Leia was never my girlfriend. And I never slept with her. I was already in the village to get my Fee fix when I ran into her, and she asked to hang out.”
“Your Fee fix?” Is that what he called it? That meant he’d had a thing for her.
Me.
Emotion erupted hot and fiery, like a solar flare.
He liked me.
“Yeah.” He broke into a soft smile, like he was happy the truth was finally out. “I spent a lot of time thinking about you, and sometimes, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I’d prowl the village, hoping to run into you.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“It would be less embarrassing if I wasn’t.”
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. He’d just changed the entire landscape of her heart. “I wish I’d known.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“Believe me, it would’ve changed the world for me.” All the confusion, the longing, the pain… Yeah, it would’ve healed her.
“I still wouldn’t have asked you out.”
“Why?” It made no sense. “We liked each other.”
“I told you. You were the good girl, and I was a troublemaker. In a high school as small as ours, reputations don’t change. No matter what you do, they’ll never see you differently.” He seemed resolute. “The only way to reinvent yourself is to leave.”
“And you did that?” She took in his black jeans, biker boots, and long-sleeved T-shirt. Her fingers brushed the tips of his silky, shoulder-length hair. “You reinvented yourself?”
“Okay, Ducky. Calm down. Outside of Calamity, no one remembers me putting dish washing soap in the Wild Wolff Village fountain, so they can’t throw it in my face. I call that a win.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” She really could. But…he liked me. The beauty of it swirled inside her. She wanted to live in that dreamy space for the rest of her life.
“My little obsession with you got me through a lot of hard times,” he said. “I needed it.”
“Is that all it was for you? A distraction?”
“No, of course not.”
“How do you know?” She’d often wondered that about herself. Was her obsession a way to fill the loneliness?
His chest expanded as he drew in a deep breath. “Because even after I left town, I never stopped thinking about you.”
She might need to record this conversation and replay it a hundred million times until it sank in. “What did you think about? My moose slippers?”
“You know.”
“No, I don’t think I do.” She gave him a sly smile.
He grew impatient. “Us.”
“What about us?”
“This crazy fuckin’ attraction.” He stiffened. “That we’re not going to act on.”
Even if she accepted it was true, she still needed to hear it from him. “Because you don’t want to ruin my reputation?”
“Sure. But also, you just said sex means something to you.”
“And sex with me wouldn’t mean anything?” She was pushing too hard, making him uncomfortable. But today, her entire life had gotten dismantled. She had nothing left to lose.
“I think you know it would, but it’s not going to lead anywhere. I’ll be gone in six weeks, and you haven’t even talked to the man you were supposed to marry.”
“Ouch. But yeah, that’s fair.” She’d talk to Matt. Of course, she would. She just didn’t like to have big confrontations until she could think clearly.
When she plucked the fabric of her T-shirt again, his hand shot out, wrapping around her wrist. “Is the shirt uncomfortable? Do you want one of mine?”
“No, it’s fine.”
“Then why do you keep pulling it away like that?”
“Because I have big boobs, okay?” Nothing a man with a perfect body could ever understand. “And I’m not wearing a bra.”
“I had a lot of fantasies about those tits.” He seemed surprised he’d said it out loud, and he glanced up with a worried expression.
She’d love to reassure him that he hadn’t overstepped, but sensation burst in her chest, and it was sending a shower of sparks through her body, so she had no control over her facial features. It was like being caught mid-orgasm. “Well, believe me, I had fantasies about you touching them.”
Fire burned in his eyes. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” The word came out shaky, thin as gauze. “I didn’t know much about sex back then. I only knew I had this weird feeling, you know…between my legs.”
“But you didn’t know how to relieve it?” Even though he didn’t move, he felt closer, like he was taking up all the space around her.
And she loved it. “Not back then, no.” She wanted more. She wanted his weight on her body, his silky hair on her skin.
“You’re killing me. You know that, right? It’s been twelve years, and you still make me so hard I could pound you into next week.”
“Aw, Jude,” she whispered. “That’s so romantic.”
Shifting closer, he cracked a smile. His gaze drifted to her mouth, and when he ran a thumb over her bottom lip, his forearm brushed her nipples.
Goose bumps exploded on her skin.
“We don’t make sense.” His voice came out rough and raw, heavy with need.
It was so hot. “I know.”
“You’re so beautiful, Fee. I don’t know what you ever saw in me.”
“I saw a loyal friend. A smart student. I felt safe around you. Seen. I thought you were the sexiest man in the entire world.” She let out a shaky breath. “I still do.”
His expression hardened with need. “Fuck it.” His mouth closed over hers, and the boy she’d once loved with all her heart kissed her. Only it was nothing like she’d imagined. It wasn’t sweet, and he didn’t take his time. There was nothing romantic about it at all.
It was fierce. Pure, unleashed hunger. As he took possession of her mouth, his hand clamped the back of her neck, holding her in place.
He kissed her like the world was on fire, and he needed to get as much of her as he could.
This man was starving for her.
No one had ever wanted her like this. The backs of his fingers skimmed down her neck and swept across her collarbone. He cupped her breast, closing his warm hand around it, and he groaned.
Pleasure flooded her. The way he devoured her mouth stirred up a frenzy of desire. And just when she reached for him, her hands clasping behind his neck, he tore his mouth off hers and pushed her away.
Her arms fell gracelessly to her sides.
His eyes narrowed, his lips still shiny from their kiss.
“You’re my kryptonite, Fee. I can’t help myself around you.
” He stood. “But you ran from your wedding seven hours ago, and I’ve got Marco’s kid to deal with.
” In five long strides, he was at the door.
“This isn’t going to happen.” Without looking at her, he disappeared down the hallway.