Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Wild Billy’s was the most popular bar in town, so it was no surprise that every table and barstool was filled. The dance floor was crowded with people two-stepping to a live country band.
While their friends were dancing, Finlay sat with Willa, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Jude.
She loved the way his biceps flexed as he held a vodka bottle with one hand and deftly caught the lime another bartender tossed him with the other.
He had his hair tied back, which only accentuated his high cheekbones and strong jawline. The man was gorgeous.
Yeah, but you know what? It was his confidence that made him so appealing. That made him stand out.
“I could just take a picture of him,” Willa said. “That way, you could just stare at your phone all night. Might be easier.”
Finlay laughed. “Oh, let me have some fun. My entire life went up in smoke. I’ve lost the father of my future children.”
“Yeah, you for sure look torn up about it. Probably, Jude McKenna’s the only one who can relieve your broken heart.”
“Keep your sarcasm in New York, where it belongs. It’s not welcome in my lovely mountain town.” Her phone buzzed with a photo Willa sent. In it, she was gazing longingly. And since she recognized the taxidermy moose head protruding out of the brick wall behind her, she knew she was staring at Jude.
The yearning, the raw desire, need—whatever you wanted to call it—made her sick to her stomach.
“What’s wrong with me? Why am I still so obsessed with him?
” She flipped her phone over. She couldn’t look at that lonely, pathetic high school girl who dreamed about him all while cutting out photos of clean-cut, handsome actors and models. “Do you think he saw?”
“Who cares if he did?” Willa asked. “You’re allowed to be attracted to a man. You get to be whoever the hell you are. And personally, I think you’re fantastic. You’re a great friend. A great teacher. You’re smart, creative, and you’re fucking hot.”
Impulsively, she wrapped her arms around her friend’s neck and hugged her. “I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that. Thank you for being here.”
Willa clung to her. “I’ll be here as long as you need.” She pulled back. “Speaking of which… Are we going on the honeymoon?”
Settling back in her chair, Finlay shook her head. “No.” She wiped the moisture under her eyes. “I’ve already canceled the hotel and my flight. In fact, I’m going back to school for the next three days until Christmas break.”
“Sweetie, I know how much you want to keep the house, but I’m not sure you’ll be able to come up with that kind of money in a week.”
“I know. But I’m not giving up yet. I’m holding on to every ounce of hope until the clock runs out.”
“What if I give you a loan?” Willa asked. “We could come up with a payment plan.”
“I love you. And I appreciate that you’d do that for me, but I’m not taking your money. Realistically, I know I can’t come up with that kind of money. I know I can’t keep the house. And it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I just need to peel off one piece of the dream at a time.”
“The easiest part was the groom.”
“I know. How awful am I? I mean, did I even love him?”
“That’s a good question,” Willa asked. “Did you?”
But she already knew the answer. She’d spent half the night contemplating it.
“I loved what we were building.” It was hard to think with rum sloshing around her brain, but she was sure of one thing.
“That’s how we connected from the very beginning.
We both had our lives mapped out, and they were perfectly aligned.
It was exciting, and it made me feel close to him.
But…” She glanced back at the bar—well, at Jude.
“But now it’s over, and the only thing I can think about is the timeline.
I’m thirty, Wills. This is when I need to buy a house and have a baby.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my job and my friends and my family.
I love my life, but I’ve had this dream for so long, and now it’s just been… erased.”
“I get what you’re saying. For the first time in your life, you’re driving without a map, and that’s scary.”
She could only nod because it was terrifying not to see the road ahead.
“I think the vision board made you feel safe.” Willa ran her fingertip around the rim of her glass.
“I mean, one day, you’re living with two parents, you have a close group of friends you’ve known your whole life, you’re happy as a bug in a rug, and the next…
it all blows up. Your parents divorced, your friends cut you out…
Both of those things happened in the same year.
I can’t imagine how helpless you felt. And maybe taping pretty images to that board gave you some control, you know?
It made you feel like you had the power to make the life you wanted. ”
“You’re pretty smart for a girl who once stripped naked in Tommy Pederson’s bathroom.”
Willa balled up her napkin and threw it at her. “It was my first date, and I got spaghetti sauce all over my white dress. I was panicking. And how was I supposed to know his brother would walk right in?”
“I’m just saying, you’re a lot smarter now.”
She slunk down in her chair. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe you brought that up when I’m sitting here feeling all sophisticated and shit.
Listen, lady, the person whose life isn’t a dumpster fire gets to act like she has her life together and dole out the wisdom like a Pez dispenser. That’s how it works.”
Finlay patted her friend’s hand. “Don’t worry. You’ve come a long way since you told Tommy Pederson’s brother your dress was wet because the family dog pushed you into the pool.”
“I hate you.”
“Which is a real shame since you’re my favorite person in the world.” She picked up her glass only to find it empty. Eyes flicking over to Jude, she pushed back her chair. “I’ll get us another round.”
Willa reached for her. “I think that’s why God invented servers.”
She paused, hesitant, knowing she should listen to her friend but driven by the absolute compulsion to be near him.
“I’m going to ask you this as a friend who loves you. Before you go over there, what do you want? Because you’re not in a place to start a relationship, and you already know the only thing he’s interested in.”
“You mean a quickie in the bathroom?” Fire raced along her nerves. She could picture it. Jude’s strong arms holding her up as he thrust into her, the tile cold against her back. Desire coursed through her, dampening her panties.
“Unless he’s changed…?”
“No, he hasn’t.” Finlay scooted her chair closer to the table.
“And I really, really don’t want to be that girl anymore.
” The one who filled her loneliness with a crush on a boy she could never have.
“I have a good, full life, and a quick bang from the boy I’m still susceptible to would throw me right back into that obsession.
” She could already feel it. The way she constantly snuck looks at him.
Already, she was slipping back there. “And I don’t want that. ”
“No, I didn’t think you did.”
“It’s just…” Finlay tapped her fingers on the wooden table.
“You know what I realized somewhere around two in the morning?” She didn’t even wait for her friend to respond.
“With Matt, I’d have the husband, the house on Bloom Lane, the children, the dogs, the dream job…
and then, once the excitement leveled off, when we got into the routine of life, I’d be hit in the face with the reality that I wasn’t in love with my husband.
Like, Wills, that was going to happen. It was inevitable.
Because when Matt and I talked this morning?
Neither one of us said, ‘I love you.’ The word never came up. Not for either of us.”
And that scares the crap out of me.
Because what the hell was I willing to settle for?
Willa’s features scrunched in discomfort. “Okay, but at least you got out. It won’t happen now.”
“And on top of all that, how bizarre is it that I run out of the church, and it’s Jude McKenna I see? He hasn’t lived here in twelve years, and he’s the first person I ran into? I can’t believe it.”
“Can’t you?”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I mean, what better way to drive home that Matt isn’t the man for you than to be with Jude?”
Maybe she’d thrown up a wall between the two sides of her—the vision board Finlay and the wild woman who ran free—but at that moment, she became painfully aware of the contrast between her feelings for the two men. The life she wanted versus what her soul craved.
But wait, why would there be a difference between the two?
She knew the answer. Of course, she did.
Willa had just spelled it out for her. When her parents divorced, she’d been gutted.
Countless nights curled up in bed, crying her eyes out, the loneliness of being a latchkey kid.
And then, being blindsided by her friends when they’d cast her aside.
She’d gone from safety and security to being alone and vulnerable.
After two hits like that, why would she open her heart to another devastating loss? So she’d chosen a tepid relationship and denied herself true, passionate love.
It was such a terrible truth that she pushed her chair back. She wasn’t ready for a night out yet. This is a mistake. “I’m going to the bathroom.” She needed a break from thinking.
“Do you want to get out of here? We can leave.”
“I just… I need a minute, okay?”
Willa watched her with concern. “Of course.”
She took off, passing tables filled with laughter and flirty, loud conversation. While everyone around her had a great time, she was carving herself wide open and looking into the deepest, darkest parts of herself. I should’ve stayed home.
Yeah, but where’s home? Matt said he’d move in with his mom till he found a new place. Did she really want to be alone in that big, empty house? Maybe she should let it go.