Chapter 5
5
I t’s only now, as my mind begins to clear, that I realize I’ve never seen snow before. I mean, sure, I remember seeing it on holiday cards and on the big screen, but to watch each large flake coming down in isolated sorrow?
Not until this moment.
Logic tells me this can’t be true, since the sky has been spewing snow for days, so the obvious conclusion is I’ve seen snow. But if that’s the case, then why am I only now noticing this beautiful and icy phenomenon?
I have no explanation.
Huddled inside and wrapped in my bedspread, I’m sitting with the balcony door cracked open. The touch of winter cools the tears on my cheeks, and one hour bleeds into two, then three and four, until sobriety is the harbinger of agony once again.
It should have been you on that plane.
Those eight words won’t stop looping in my head, searing me with even more guilt. What I said was cruel and unforgivable, though I have no doubt Liam will forgive me.
You don’t deserve him.
The accusing voice in my head sounds like my own, uttering a merciless verdict that drags me to my feet. No matter how hard I try, I can’t escape my own mind or the chaos it holds. Panic claws at my windpipe, making each inhale a hard-won victory. I’m so exhausted from hurting, fighting, and surviving inside these isolating walls.
Circular walls without end.
Just like this pain.
And yet, even as I drown, my limbs move on instinct. My chest heaves as I secure the blanket around my shoulders, fingers gripping soft cashmere. I’m not sure how I end up in the elevator, but the trip to the main floor passes in a frantic blur. I fling myself outside, bare feet sinking into powdery snow, and the panic subsides by a degree. There’s only one way out of this nightmare.
Escape.
Freedom.
Painless existence.
Those four words are my mantra, driving me forward with every beat of my shattered heart. My footsteps taint the perfection of untouched snow as I trek across the grounds, and despite the blanket of white powder covering the terrain, the scenery is achingly familiar. My soul recognizes this path, finding meaning and home—so much so that the core of my being senses the ghost of its mate.
Because I feel Sebastian watching me from the ninth floor of the tower, his crystalline gaze following my every move. The House of Leo has never been so barren, yet his essence wraps around me in a warm and loving shield. I imagine him painting my grief-stricken likeness onto a canvas, and the corners of my mouth creep up. I can see it so clearly, his portrait of my cold existence stroked to life in shades of dreary grey.
Winter melancholy.
Somehow, Sebastian would make such a scene beautiful.
“It’s going to be okay, baby.”
Whether it’s a memory, wishful thinking, or the whisper of his ghost, I want to believe that everything in my world will be warm and light and whole again. As I approach my favorite spot on the cliffs, I do believe it, because the thunderous ocean always soothes me.
Icy wind sends my hair flying, stinging my cheeks, but I don’t feel the cold anymore. Waves crash against the rocks with a fierceness that mirrors the storm on my heels, but in this violent collision of water and stone, I find the impossible.
Peace.
Tilting my head back, I close my eyes and let the thick snowflakes cleanse my skin. The blanket falls off my shoulders, and I take a step forward, unafraid for the first time since Liam said the most horrifying words of my life…
“Their plane went down.”
The freezing air swirls around me, whispering dark promises, and I brace myself to just…
Let go .
I sway forward, my heart failing to beat, and that’s when I’m yanked back by two strong arms.
“No!” I cry as someone drags me away from the edge. For five endless seconds, I can’t get my vocal cords to work, and then…
I’m screaming and struggling with every ounce of strength I have in me. “Let me go!”
“Never,” Liam says.
“Put me down!” I shout, digging my nails into his forearms.
“No!” he roars right back.
My legs scissor through the air, causing him to stumble. “Why’d you have to follow me? Just let me go!”
With a growl, he sets me on my feet and spins me around by the shoulders, his hands clamping down to keep me in place.
“Did you think I’d let you leave in the middle of the night,” he says, shaking me, “in the middle of a goddamn snowstorm, and not come after you?” Liam’s fury is powerful like the frigid wind, deeper than the ocean’s secrets, and as thunderous as the waves slamming into the cliffs.
Before I can react, he grabs the discarded blanket from the ground, and then I’m back in his arms, bundled in his warmth. He stomps toward the tower, and by the time we reach the penthouse, my teeth are chattering.
The instant the door shuts, his anger seems to bleed from his bones, replaced by a low, anguished grunt. His knees buckle as my name dies in his throat. Even as he breaks down, he’s still protecting me, his body cushioning my fall as we collapse into a tangled mess of heightened emotions and quaking limbs.
“Losing you would kill me.” He grips my cheeks, rich brown eyes smoldering through his tears. “If you want to go over that cliff, you’ll have to take me with you.”
“Don’t say that.” Cold-soaked fear shakes me to my core. “I didn’t mean what I said earlier.”
“Maybe not, but you meant to jump.” Several seconds pass, long pain-filled beats that snowball into a momentous amount of heartache. “You love him so much that you’d die to end the pain of losing him. I feel the same way. There is no me without you , Novalee.”
“But he’s gone,” I sob, my spirit cracking right along with my voice. I want to rescind the words and lock them in a place where they can’t be heard, because they reek of acceptance.
God…no. Please, I’m not ready.
“But I’m here.” Liam gives a hard swallow. “I need you, so if you can’t keep going for you, then do it for me.” He shakes his head, sending snowflakes tumbling from his coppery hair. “Because I can’t lose you.”
“It just hurts too much. I can’t…I can’t hold on. I’m falling apart.”
“Then let me hold on to you.” He slides a hand into my hair, tucking the damp strands behind my ear, and I draw a sharp breath. Suddenly, I’m hyper aware of how close we are.
My chest pressed to his.
Our lips inches apart.
And in that instant…
I’m no longer cold.
Not as long as he’s warm and solid, his frame shielding me from the chilly floor, the rapid thumps of his heart binding me to the moment. Awareness hangs between us, as dangerous as a live wire, dormant but never forgotten.
“Liam…” His name comes out in a hoarse whisper, a prelude to the inevitable collision of our mouths.
He meets me halfway, and every stroke of his tongue demands my surrender. I match him, lick for lick, desperation unraveling me as my nails bite into his shoulders.
A groan rumbles through him. “What are we doing, Novalee? I just pulled you back from a fucking cliff.”
“I don’t care.” I yank his lips to mine again.
“Well, I do.” And yet the nip of his teeth down my throat says otherwise. He blazes a wet path, each rough kiss detonating something deep inside me.
Frantic, I reach for the waistband of his pajama pants and expose his cock. Curling my fingers around the growing length, I move my fist up and down his velvety flesh in steady, firm strokes.
“Damn,” he says, teeth clenched, eyelids drifting shut to hide his weak grip on control.
But a man as passionate and possessive as the chancellor can only take so much.
With a swift motion, Liam rolls me onto my back, and the blanket slips away to leave me bare. His intense gaze searches my expression, drinking in every nuance—the tremble in my lips, the flush in my cheeks, the plea in my stare.
The world comes to a standstill, the air between us thickening with unspoken words.
Undeniable need .
Our eyes stay locked as he dips two fingers inside me, and a flood of energy bursts from my core. My mouth parts, drawing his focus as I release a soundless gasp.
I can’t remember the last time he touched me like this. On his private island, after he kidnapped me for my own good? Some other forgotten, stolen moment since then? The preceding weeks stream through my conscious mind, but it’s all too much .
Too much pain.
Too much betrayal.
Too. Much.
I’m tired of thinking. I only want to feel .
Only want to lose myself in the sweet ache of his touch, the featherlight drift of my thoughts, the quiet way his soul reaches for mine.
As I arch into his hand, chasing the friction and dizzying highs, he bows his forehead to mine. Our breaths tangle, my exhales becoming his inhales, while his fingers work their way deeper, venturing as far as my virginity will allow. My hips move in rhythm with each thrust, greedy for the promise of release.
“More,” I plead. “Make me forget.”
His face darkens. “Does this make you want to live?” Liam’s harsh question drips with renewed anger. “My fingers inside you? Does it make it all better?”
“It makes it bearable.”
His gaze falters, and just like that, the bitterness drains from him. I can almost hear his internal struggle, feel the weight of what happens next pressing on his shoulders. He withdraws his fingers and lowers his head to my chest, warmth spilling across my skin, his muscles knotted with restraint, silence louder than words.
Because he wants this as much as I need it.
“Please, Liam.”
“If we’re going to do this,” he says, lifting me into his arms, “it won’t be on the floor.” Then he takes off, heading for his quarters and the place of no return.