34. Sienna
SIENNA
“ Y ou sure you know what you’re doing there?
” I ask as Nikolai searches through the butler’s kitchen.
When we returned, Nikolai ordered both Agata and Andrei to retire for the evening.
He spoke only briefly with Andrei, updating him about what he’d seen at the fight club but leaving out his agreement with Luca.
A knot forms in my lower stomach. Does that mean something will happen to Andrei?
I know he technically works for The Wolf, but he’s always been kind to me.
However, it does nothing to deter my fury over what transpired tonight. I was so angry, I couldn’t speak on the drive back to the apartment because I knew I’d spew nothing but venom.
Do all these men just fight each other? Nikolai might mock the world I come from, but at least in business the men are more civil—at least from what I’ve seen. At the bare minimum, they pretend to tolerate one another.
All my fears became reality when I heard the gunshot as I was walking up those stairs, and my heart spilled onto the floor, panicked that Nikolai had been shot.
I’d gone numb in that moment, and I’m so furious that for those few seconds, I actually thought the worst. And I’m angry at him for letting me believe that.
For so abruptly having to face the fact that this man has slithered so deeply into my heart that I can’t think past the idea of something happening to him.
My mind suddenly conjures up the interaction with my friends that took place just before I found Nikolai and Luca fighting.
“There’s no bomb ,” the masked man, who I’d learned is referred to as a hound, had said, almost sounding a little disappointed as he checked my necklace.
“Of course there isn’t. I’ve been trying to tell you Nikolai has been protecting me. I know it doesn’t make sense, but you have to trust me,” I’d said, irritated that they hadn’t listened. My friends had seemed shocked and uncertain as to what to say. But what could they say?
I already looked like I’d gone off the deep end, and maybe I have. All I know is it’s my responsibility to protect him in the same way he’s been protecting me.
They hadn’t tried to stop me as I’d left the room and stormed in the direction Luca and Nikolai had gone.
That’s when I’d heard the gunshot. That’s when I’d thought the worst. And that pain had suffocated me the same way it had when I’d peered into my mother’s casket. The moment I’d realized someone’s spark and life could be taken with no concern of those left behind.
Nikolai is part of a dangerous world, and I have to accept that. But having to go through life without him has become … inconceivable. I’m obsessed with my captor.
I watch him going through the motions of making a sandwich, a million questions roaming around in my head as I do. How do I get closer to him? How do I protect him? One thing I don’t question is that Nikolai wants me just as much as I do him.
He finishes the mundane task, and says, “Yes, I know how to make a sandwich.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m just surprised to see you being so … domestic. Since when are you so acquainted with a kitchen? I thought Agata did everything for you.”
He’s acting like nothing happened. His split lip has since clotted, but it doesn’t take away the fear that clutched me. And I don’t know how to express it. A man like Nikolai is indifferent to such violence. And I don’t want him thinking of me as weak for being frantic because of it .
“Agata is very efficient at making meals, and she has always treated me well. I do, however, know how to cook. Unlike a certain someone who set a frypan alight in a cooking class.”
My jaw drops. “How does that even become public knowledge?”
He shrugs with a smirk. He then crowds my space, pressing my back against the counter as he places the plated sandwich beside us. “I hacked into their security system and watched.”
My face feels hot as embarrassment flushes my cheeks. That was from two years ago. “Would you like to watch it? It’s rather entertaining?” he teases.
“No.” I shove him away as I pick up the sandwich and take a small bite. “You know, it’s kind of fucked up that you know all of these things about me, and I know nothing about you.”
“What’s more fucked up is you now seem more comfortable with the fact that I was basically stalking you.
” His voice comes out a little gravelly, its rough timbre alluring.
And every word vibrates through me. But I try not to give any sign of how it affects me, because this has always been our game, and I cling to the fun of it, knowing that it’s soon coming to an end.
“Well, maybe I’ve learned that I should stop thinking in conventional ways,” I say, trying to fight my smile.
But as I look down at my sandwich, I find it more difficult to lean into the fun of witty comebacks.
Everything is starting to feel real, and I don’t know what private conversation Luca and Nikolai had, but instinctively, I sense everything is coming to a close.
What happens to Andrei and Agata? What happens to me? To Nikolai? To us?
“Who is Agata to you?” I ask, curious if he’ll answer. If he’ll let me pry just a fraction more into his world.
Nikolai leans against the counter beside me, and I get distracted by the tight shirt clinging to his chest like a second skin. Fuck me, he truly is beautiful.
Sliding his hands into his pockets, he says, “Agata has been with me since I was eight. She was no one important, only a distant relative, but she took me in when my mother abandoned me. My mother fled, scared of my father, and I can’t blame her. She just wasn’t cut out for this world.
“My father was a prominent figure within the bratva. But despite his cruelty, that was extended to Agata, she was much fiercer. She was the one who nurtured me into the man I became, when my father expected that I be a carbon copy of him.”
My heart sinks. That’s very different from the expectation my father had of me. Though I always felt pressured to marry and be successful, it was never so … frightening. And I now realize those were expectations I put on myself.
“Were you ever scared?” I ask, greedy for how much he’ll let me in, when once I wouldn’t have even gotten a grunt in response if I asked him something so personal.
He gives me a quizzical look, then his gaze dips to the sandwich. “Another bite.” I roll my eyes but do as he says, and only then does he answer. “Not often—mostly just angry. I was never enough. Not compared to my half-brother, anyway, who was little more than a fucking ghost.”
“Your brother died?” I ask quietly, my heart sinking further. His green eyes darken, and I’m reminded of the anger this man harbors, like a living, breathing beast. It wraps around him much like a vise, or an udav .
“No, he’s alive. I’ve never met him, though.” His tone signals this topic is closed, so I change the subject, scared he’ll clam up on me again. “How did you get the scar on your face?”
He blinks, as if coming back into the room after going somewhere deep in his mind. I place the half-eaten sandwich down and bring my hand to his cheek, gliding my thumb over the scar. He’s probably lucky to have not lost an eye.
He catches my hand, and when I think he’s about to push me away, he kisses my thumb. “My father gave it to me when I failed at a given task. The only reason I didn’t lose my eye is because I stepped back just in time.”
“Your father did that to you?” My voice is tight .
He picks me up beneath my legs, hooking them around his waist as he sets me on the counter.
“Do not pity me, mishka . In my world, it is survival of the fittest. There is nothing quite like taking a life. I thank my father for showing me that.”
A chill runs over me at the way he talks about killing like it’s as transactional as any other business deal. He brings the sandwich to my lips, and I take another bite.
“And you never missed your mother?” I mumble around a mouthful. He wipes at the corner of my lips where a breadcrumb must have been.
“No. I don’t grieve those who abandon me,” he says, and my stomach sinks. Not because I think it’s sad, but because I only have memories of love from my mother. I couldn’t imagine feeling any other way.
He presses closer, and I can feel the bulge in his pants. I’m disappointed when instead of taking me here and now, he carries me outside to the patio. Though, I’m grateful for the fresh air.
“Were you scared tonight, mishka ?” he asks.
It wasn’t the fight itself that scared me.
But when he and Luca spilled out of the room, exchanging blows, I felt more terror for him than I had for myself when I realized I’d been kidnapped.
I understand now how much of a gamble this really is for Nikolai, even though he’s repeatedly told me he’ll be okay.
But everything is far from okay.
I wrap my arms around his neck, the cool breeze sweeping through my hair. “I was scared they were going to kill you,” I admit, fracturing open.
He takes me over to the railing and slowly sets me down on the edge. A jolt of adrenaline runs through me at the realization that if I were pushed, I’d fall to my death. Yet I can’t help but look down, the thrill of what it might feel like to fly coursing through me.
There’s a silent sense of trust that lies between us. And I don’t know if I’ve grown naive to believe in it.
That even as my enemy, he won’t push me over. That he won’t hurt me. But that’s a lot to claim of someone who is hiding behind his own mask and desires.
A muscle in his jaw tics, and his gaze pins me place. I feel like I can’t move under its intensity. Unspoken words and reservations intentionally coming between us.
Surely, I’m not the only one who feels the magnetic pull, harboring the same terrifying desire.
I cup his jaw, and it tightens at the soft touch. But I’m sick of pretending like he doesn’t mean something to me. Because he does, frustratingly so.
“Tell me it’s not all in my head,” I say quietly, too scared that perhaps it is.