14
Josh
Last night killed me. The way Olivia looked so broken, so completely devastated at my admission.
But the worst part, the final nail in the coffin, was Olivia, suddenly looking so controlled, her gaze on me, telling me to go fuck other girls.
Fuck, that hurt worse than a check into the boards.
But that wasn't my girl. She wasn't in there when she'd said that.
I could tell from that look in her sharp eyes.
She wanted to hurt me, to push me away, and she succeeded.
That was until I heard her cries floating down the hall. She didn't mean what she had said. I knew that, and I still let her go.
When the cries didn't stop, I had to go to her. She could try to push me away again, but I wouldn't let that happen. Not when she needs someone.
To my surprise, she let me hold her. She wouldn't look at me, didn't need to. She just needed me and I was there.
I had lifted her, taking her back into my apartment, her body vibrating in silent sobs. I didn't set her down until we'd gotten to my bed. Taking her shoes off, pulling the comforter over her body and laying next to her, we stared into each other's eyes for a long while.
“I’m so sorry, Josh.” She began crying again. I can't stand seeing her in this much pain.
I pulled her into my body again and she wrapped her arms around me.
“It's okay, baby. Shhhh, it's okay.” I ran my hand up and down the smooth skin of her bare back. I could tell she was so emotionally exhausted after the last thirty minutes of hell. She needed to sleep it off. We’d just talk in the morning.
It wasn't long before her breathing had evened out, soft sighs slipping through her lips and I knew she was asleep.
I couldn’t sleep though. Thoughts swirling through my head all night long. Does she really believe she’s just another stat to me? Just another notch on my bedpost?
People always warned me that my past would come back and bite me in the ass. I just didn’t believe it. Fuck, I wish I had listened.
None of those hookups ever meant anything to me. We’d meet at a bar after a game, drink, go home, fuck and then leave. Nothing more than that. But saying that now, I realize I sound like a pig.
I wouldn’t blame Olivia if she left now and didn’t look back. I’d deserve it. But, I would spend every waking minute trying to prove to her that she’s it for me. She’s the only one I want. The only one for me.
Right now, it’s 6am. I’m finishing a heavy sweat session at the gym. I needed to clear my head, blow off some steam, and that’s how I do it. Gym or ice. That’s it.
As I’m getting my shit together, the door to the gym opens and in walks Ryan. I’ve never liked that guy. He moved here just over a year ago, and I immediately thought he was an asshole. Guess my assumption was correct.
I swear to fuck I wanna pummel his face after last night.
This whole shitfest was his fault. Okay, not entirely his fault.
If I hadn’t fucked around in the first place, none of this would have happened.
But, he’s the reason it went tits up last night.
I’m sure Olivia was already a wreck after seeing him but he had to push it.
Was it to make her hurt? Jealousy of seeing her move on? I don’t get it, I really don’t.
“Josh.” Nodding in my direction, he sets weights up opposite me. I barely acknowledge him which I'm sure pisses him off more. “How is she?”
Is he fucking serious right now? I level him with a glare. “How the fuck do you think she is?” Standing from my spot on the bench, I stalk closer to him. “You have some fucking nerve. Fucking with her head like that.”
He’s standing now too, we’re inches apart. “Just trying to look out for my girl. Can’t see her get hurt, now, can I?” He smirks, waiting for me to rise to the bait. And I do.
“She’s not your fucking girl anymore, asshole.” Getting in his face, teeth bared, seething. “Just because you lost the chance with her doesn’t mean you have to ruin every good thing in her life.”
“I guess she didn’t know about your fuckboy personality, did she? Bet she didn’t take that well.”
“Get fucked, Ryan. Stay the fuck away from her.”
“No chance.” He’s grinning now. Dick. “Knowing we’re so close again, how can I stay away?”
If I don’t leave now, this guy is gonna end up with my fist in his face.
He wants a reaction from me and he’s not gonna get it.
Not again. I don’t respond, not giving him the response that he desperately wants.
Instead, I grab my shit from the bench and leave the gym. So much for blowing off some steam.
Back at my apartment, it’s all quiet. Olivia must still be asleep. Grabbing a water from the fridge, I make my way down the hallway to my bedroom and that’s when I hear it. Soft cries from inside the closed door. Raising my hand to knock, another voice floats to my ears.
“It’s okay, baby girl. How about I come get you? You can come to my place, we’ll watch shitty movies all day, and stuff our faces with everything in sight.”
“Yes, please, that sounds like a good distraction.” I don’t want my girl to leave. We need to talk about this. I feel awful standing here, listening to their conversation, but I can't bring myself to move away.
“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Love you.”
Silence meets my ears next as they hang up the phone. Knocking lightly, I push the door open.
“Hey, do you mind if I come in?” I ask.
“Don’t be silly, it's your room.” Olivia replies, with a small smile on her face.
I enter the room and sit next to her on the bed. Her eyes are red and puffy from crying, her skin pale but she still looks beautiful.
I take her hand in mine, the warmth seeping through me. I open my mouth to speak but she talks first.
“Josh, I am so, so sorry for last night.” Eyes welling with tears again, she takes a breath. “I didn’t mean what I said. It was horrible and that’s not me.”
“I know, baby. I know that’s not you. You don’t need to apologize. I’m the one who needs to apologize-“
“No, you don’t. You've done nothing wrong here. I let Ryan get in my head. He used to do it all the time and I let it happen again. I’m so sorry.” She lets out a strangled sigh. “I believe you. Everything you said last night. I believe you.”
Thank God. My heart lifts, relief washing over me.
“But, I think right now I just need some space.”
What?
“I need to sort my head out. I need to think for a few days.”
I run my hands through my hair. I don’t even know what to say to her. If I say anything, I’d be begging her to stay here with me.
“I’m not saying I need space for good. Just a few days. You’re leaving tonight for the weekend anyway, right?”
I nod.
“Call me when you get back. I should be ready then.” She smiles up at me, and I can’t help but take her in. Her bright blue eyes, her shiny, golden hair, the slight pink that has returned to her cheeks. She’s breathtaking.
Is it possible to love someone so soon? For them to consume your whole being so completely?
“I understand, baby. Come here.” Pulling her to me, we lie on the bed, her head resting on my shoulder, my arms wrapped around her body. We lay like this for a few minutes before a knock sounds at the door.
Lifting her head off mine, Olivia looks into my eyes. “That’s Sasha, she’s gonna take me home.”
“Okay.” If I could hold this girl to me forever, I would. But I know she needs distance right now.
She leans in and gives me a gentle kiss at the edge of my mouth before getting off the bed and heading to the door.
I need to pull myself together. I need to be strong here but the thought of not speaking to this girl for three days is making me itch.
With a shake of my head, I stand, making my way to the door.
Sasha is already in the kitchen when I get there, holding a bag out to Olivia.
“I brought some clothes. Didn’t think you’d wanna leave here in last night's clothes.”
“Thank you, Sash.”
“Of course.” She gives my girl a hug. “Oh, and there’s some face wipes in there too. I don’t know if you’ve looked in the mirror today, but you look like a raccoon .”
“WHAT? Oh my God!” She practically sprints past me towards the bathroom. The evil smile on Sasha’s face says it all.
“Josh.” She greets me and I give her the same in return.
“Sasha.” We’re quiet for a beat before she speaks up.
“She’ll be okay, you know?” I nod, trying to believe her. “Seeing Ryan really threw her off. He’s always been able to get in her head. Make her see things that aren’t there.” She shakes her head. “He’s such a prick.”
“Can I ask you something?” She nods, “Do you think she’d ever go back to him?”
She looks at me for a moment, questions in her eyes. “No, she wouldn’t. I know she wouldn’t. What makes you ask?”
“Seems like he’s trying to get into my head too is all.”
“Don’t let him. He’s always been like this. Doesn’t want her happy with anyone but him. He used to do the same with me and Liv.”
“Such a prick.” I mutter.
“She feels awful for last night. Saying those things to you.”
“I know. But I also know it wasn’t her. I could see it in her eyes that she wasn’t in there when she said those things.”
“You love her.” It’s not a question but a statement.
“Is that even possible? I’ve known her for barely two weeks.”
“I believe it’s possible. I see it in your eyes. The way you look at her. Anyone with half a brain would know you love that girl.”
“Do you think she’ll forgive me?”
“She doesn’t need to forgive you, Josh. You have done nothing wrong here.
Could you have told her about your fucking around before now?
Yes. But you don’t need to be sorry for that.
” I let out a long sigh, hands gripping the back of my neck.
“She’s heard the reputation of hockey players.
I think it was just a kick in the cunt to hear it from you. ”
This is not the time to smile but I’ve never heard anyone say that before; I can’t help it. Sasha smiles back at me. “You’re good for her. And I know I don’t know you, but I think she's good for you too. You just need to show her that she can trust you and you’ll be okay.”
“Thank you, Sasha.”
The bathroom door opens and we go quiet.
“I’m ready.” Olivia says, looking between the two of us.
She looks like she’s at war with herself.
Just walk out the door now or come to me.
Relief washes over me as she chooses the latter, embracing me in a tight hug, not wanting to let go.
I need to kiss her but I’m scared that if I make the move she won’t let me.
Pulling out of the hug, she cups my face with her hands. They are soft and gentle against my skin, as she runs her thumbs along my cheek bones.
I have one hand wrapped around her waist, the other snaking through the hair at the back of her head. She brings her face closer to mine and I seize the moment. I kiss her.
It’s not rough, not hungry but passionate. Gentle. Our tongues brush together, fleeting. In this moment, I hope she can feel how much she means to me. How much I need her to come back to me.
The kiss ends too soon and she leaves my apartment. I just hope this isn’t the end for us.