28
Olivia
I cried the whole way home. I’m sure people thought I was some sort of crazy woman, sobbing into my hands in the middle of the street. Some old woman even stopped and asked if I was okay and I felt terrible for ignoring her. She was so sweet and I was such a bitch.
Letting myself into my apartment, I slam the door so hard that it rattles the hinges. I’m so angry. Angry at Ryan. Angry at this fucked up situation. Angry with myself.
I feel so lost. My head is swimming with so many thoughts I can't think straight. I want to go back to Josh and tell him I didn't mean any of it but I can’t.
Slipping my phone out of my bag, I bring up Sasha’s details and hit the dial. She answers on the second ring, “Hey babe. How’s your new apartment?” She says, excitement and happiness for me flowing through the phone.
“Sash.” I break down, again. The tears flowing uncontrollably down my cheeks.
“I’m on my way.” She says without hesitation before hanging up the phone.
By the time the door flings open ten minutes later, I’m a mess of blankets, tears and tissues. I’ve soaked through a whole box since getting home and I don't think I have any more. Toilet paper it is.
Sasha throws her bags down and runs to me, pulling me against her.
“What happened?” I try to get the words out but I can’t.
The emotion clogged so thickly in my throat that I can’t even breathe.
Sasha’s hand runs over my back in a soothing motion but I barely even register it.
“Olivia, you’re worrying me here. What can I do? ”
“Can’t. Breathe.” I wheeze out, forcing the words out. Sash grips my hands tightly in hers.
“You’re having a panic attack. I’m gonna call Josh.
” I squeeze her hand as tight as I can, not able to get the words out and plead with my eyes for her not to call him.
“Okay, okay. I won’t call him.” A surge of relief floods me, making my breaths come a little easier.
“Look at me.” She says and I do, staring into her chocolate brown eyes.
“What are five things you can see?” She asks and I’m confused.
“Why?” I say, breathlessly.
“Just do it.”
“You, the rug, my candles,” I look around. My apartment is full of things so why is this so hard? “My hands and my phone.”
“Good. Now tell me four things you can touch.”
“The couch, the blankets, the tv remote, my finger.”
“Now three things you can hear.”
“The cars outside, the music from upstairs and your obnoxiously loud breathing.”
Sasha huffs a laugh at my answer. I always wind her up about how loud she breathes. It sounds like a whistle. “You’re funny.” She deadpans. “Two things you can smell.”
It’s easier to speak now. I inhale a deep calming breath before answering her. “Coffee and cinnamon from my candles.”
“Perfect. Now one thing you can taste.”
“Tears.” I tell her honestly. The salty taste lingering on my tongue. It’s now that I realise my breathing is normal and I don't feel the immense panic that I had before. “How did you know to do that?”
“I used to get panic attacks as a kid. That’s the only thing that helped.” She confesses. She’s never told me that before and I want her to tell me more about it until she speaks again. “What happened, Liv?”
“I broke up with Josh.” I tell her and her jaw drops.
I told Sasha everything. All about Ryan and what he said he’d do if I didn't end things with Josh. How Josh reacted when I told him I was done. Reliving it for a second time today is heart wrenching and by the end I’m reduced to a puddle of tears on the floor.
I press my fist against my chest, trying and failing to ease the ache.
“Why didn't you just tell Josh the truth? I'm sure he would understand.” Sash asks me, confusion evident on her face.
“Because I know him. I know he will do everything he can to make sure we can stay together.
But I also know Ryan and I know that he would do everything that he can to get Josh off the team.
I couldn't be selfish with that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew I was the reason for Josh not playing hockey anymore.” I breathe heavily when I finish my rant.
“Livvy, you’re the most selfless person I know. What if you just explain to him-”
“I can’t, Sash. I did what I had to do and I’m done talking about it.” She looks like she wants to argue but settles with a huff, effectively ending the conversation.
Sasha spends the night to make sure I’m okay even though I told her a million times that I would be fine. I called Katherine earlier to tell her I wasn’t feeling good and wouldn’t be in tomorrow. She didn’t mind since there was no real reason for me to go in anyway.
I can’t face Josh right now. I can’t look at the sad look on his face without it tearing me apart. I know I’m acting like a coward but right now I don’t care.
With Sasha snoring like a train in the bed beside me and all the thoughts flowing through my head, I can’t sleep. I’ve tried all my usual techniques but none of those are working. My phone pings on the nightstand with a text message and my heart instantly races. What if it’s Josh?
Picking my phone up, I dim the brightness since it’s dark in the room, and check the message.
Good girl.
That’s all it says. Plus, it’s from an unknown number. I’m momentarily confused until another message comes through.
I knew you would do the right thing.
I roll my eyes. Of course Ryan would be gloating right now when I’m miserable. I bet he gets off on my unhappiness. Dick.
I swipe on my phone, blocking the number as quickly as I can. I don't need him pestering me. How did he even get my number anyway? And how did he know I followed through with his blackmail?