Olivia
You know in that episode of friends when Rachel tells Ross that she's pregnant and all he can do is stare at her for what feels like forever? I feel like I’m living that episode right now.
Josh doesn’t move, he doesn’t blink, doesn’t speak.
I don't even think he breathes. A real sense of deja vu washes over me from the first time he came to my apartment.
Maybe this time I will actually have killed him with my admission.
“Josh?” His grip on my hands has loosened so I poke him in the arm. “Josh.” I wave my hand in front of his face and get no reaction at all.
His intoxicating green eyes are wide. So wide it looks like they could easily pop out of the sockets. I wonder if I should keep talking. Would he even be able to hear me? The ultrasound picture of our baby is in my bag but as I stand to get it, Josh’s hands grab mine, seemingly out of his trance.
“What?” He asks in a whisper.
“I’m pregnant.” I tell him again and his eyes well with tears. Shit. This is the opposite of what I was hoping for. I wanted him to be happy. To be excited once the shock wore off. Not cry because he’s so sad about this news.
“And it’s mine?” There’s no accusation in his tone, just hope.
“Yes, Josh. The baby is yours.” I rest a hand over the tiny bump that I thought was just major bloating and he looks down at it, his fingers twitching.
“Here,” I say, reaching over to my bag and pulling out the first photo of our baby. I hand it over to Josh and as he looks at the tiny baby, tears slide down his cheeks. “I’m already sixteen weeks along. I only found out this morning.”
“And everything is okay?”
“Yeah, baby. Everything is good.” I freeze as the realization of what I’ve called him comes to me. It just seemed so easy to fall back into what we had before. “Sorry, I-”
“I miss you, Ol.” Josh says quickly, his eyes flicking between me and the photo of our baby still clutched in his hand.
I’m suddenly overcome with so much guilt once again.
Why the hell did I not just tell him what happened with Ryan at the start?
We would have worked it out. We never would have ended things.
I would be living here with the man that I love.
Sleeping in his arms every night instead of wanting to pinch Sasha’s nose to make her stop snoring.
I need to tell him the truth. Whatever happens, I know we can get through it together.
“Josh?”
“Yeah?” His eyes are swirling with emotion and the words get stuck in my throat. I have to clear it a few times before I can get any sounds out.
“I need to tell you the truth. The real reason why I ended things.”
When I finish explaining everything, Josh looks angry.
His face is red, his hands are clenched into fists and his jaw is so tight it looks like it’ll snap.
“I should have knocked the fucker out when I had the chance.” He sighs, running his hands through his chocolate brown hair.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He’s seething with fury but it’s not directed at me.
I’ve never seen Josh this angry before. Sure I’ve seen him get into fights on the ice but they are nothing compared to the anger oozing out of him now.
“Because I thought if I told you, you would have done everything you can to make sure we would be okay. I know Ryan, what he’s capable of and I couldn’t risk your career like that.
” I wipe underneath my eyes with the damp tissue I’ve been holding since I began telling Josh the truth.
“I didn't want to be the reason for you losing everything.”
“I love hockey. I always have and I always will but Ollie, I love you more. If I had to choose between living a life with you and living a life playing hockey, I would choose you every time.” He holds my hands in his again, the warm, familiar feeling grounding me.
“Do you still love me after everything I’ve put you through?” I ask, my voice full of hope.
“Are you kidding? Of course I still love you.” He pulls me to him and my arms instinctively wrap around his waist, as I bury my head against his hard chest.
“God, I’ve missed you so much Josh.” I’m a sobbing mess now, relief hitting me harder than anything else. I’ve seen how hard this has all been for Josh, how it’s affected him and after everything, he still loves me.
“I never once thought the reasons for you ending it were what you said. I always felt like there was something else going on. And the smug look on Ryan’s face everytime I saw him,” He pauses, a hand running up and down my back in soothing strokes, “Fuck, I should have known he had something to do with it.”
“I’m so sorry I didn't tell you.”
“It’s okay, baby. I get why you didn’t. I saw how miserable you were everyday and I knew you felt just as bad as I did. I couldn't understand it because, if you didn't want to be with me, why were you hurting so bad, you know?”
We stay silent for a while, cuddling on the couch.
It’s a comfortable silence. One that doesn't need to be filled. I should have realized a long time ago that Josh still cared about me. I saw it in the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn’t looking.
Or the way he always asked his teammates to check up on me, not knowing that they told me.
“I never got to thank you.” I say, breaking the silence.
He looks down at me, those deep, penetrating eyes locked onto my own. “What for?”
“The muffins.”
He lets out a low chuckle as he rests his cheek against my head again. I’ve missed that sound. “Sasha told me you hadn’t been eating. I thought I’d give it a shot.”
“Well, it worked. They were so good.” He gives me a tight squeeze, clearly pleased with himself. “Too bad they came back up an hour later.”
“Okay, that's just gross.” We both laugh, the sound of his vibrating through my soul. “You seriously didn't know you were pregnant?" He asks when our laughter dies down.
“Nope.” I reply, popping the ‘p’. “I thought all the symptoms I had were because of stress. Clearly I was wrong.”
“You know, Michaelson asked me if you were pregnant.” He says in disbelief.
“Oh no.” I groan, covering my heated face with my hands. “He saw me throwing up in the parking lot like a month ago. God, it was so embarrassing.” All Josh can do is laugh at my humiliation but thinking back on it now, it is kinda funny.
We talk for hours about everything that has happened since we last spoke but as it turns out, not much has happened to either of us. He does tell me that his coach has been up his ass and has threatened his captain title and I can’t help the feeling of shame that washes over me.
Josh sensed the obvious shift in my mood and immediately eased the feeling, though deep down I think it’ll always be there.
I tell him about Sasha and how much of a pain in the ass she’s been but I’ll be forever grateful to her for being there today. I tell him that I’m a shitty friend and while he doesn't disagree, he says he gets it because he’s been the exact same way.
Why do we do that? Why do we push people away when we need them the most? One thing I’ve learnt from this whole thing is that people need people. But I guess knowing it and acting on it are two completely different things.
“Oh my God!” I shout, shooting up from the couch.
“Don’t ask me how I forgot this because I don't even know.” I say, rushing to my bag and pulling out a small slip of folded paper.
“My midwife said since I’m already sixteen weeks, she could tell the sex of the baby.
I said I didn't want to know because I wanted to tell you first but Sasha being Sasha demanded to know.” Crossing the room, I sit on the couch beside Josh again.
And when I say ‘beside’ I mean I’m practically on top of him.
All my spatial awareness has left me in this moment.
I’m too eager to find out if Josh wants to know if we’re having a boy or a girl. “Sooo, Sasha knows.”
I glance at Josh who looks a little lost. That’s probably due to the fact that I’m talking at 100mph and can’t sit still.
“She wrote it down on this piece of paper in case we wanted to know. You know, if this chat went well and all that.” I hold the folded paper out to Josh and he takes it without hesitation. “So, do you want to know?”
“Do you want to know?”
“I want to know.”
“Yeah I want to know too.”
“Right now?”
“Right now.” I’m sure if anyone else was in the room with us right now, their head would be swinging between us so fast that they’d get whiplash from how fast me and Josh are speaking to each other.
“Close your eyes.” I do as he asks, peaking through one to see that his eyes are closed as well. “Count down from three?”
I nod my head before realizing he can’t actually see me so I answer with a hushed, “Yeah.”
“Three, two, one.” We both open our eyes, fixated on the small piece of now open paper resting in Josh’s hands.
He sets the paper on the small table that sits in front of his couch and turns towards me.
He takes my shaky hands in his, his smile so wide that the dimples on either side of his cheeks are so prominent.
I lift one hand up and trace it delicately with my fingers.
“Are you happy?” He asks me and my teary gaze meets his own.
“I’m more than happy.” It comes out as a whisper, my voice shaky and full of emotion.
He brings his lips down to mine, kissing me soft and slow.
This kiss is everything. It’s making up for lost time, an apology and a promising future, all in one.
My heart is bursting and I long for the moment that Josh and I can bring our baby girl home.