35. Luciano
Chapter 35
Luciano
"I don't love you."
"I hate you."
Her angry words cut themselves into my mind and engraved themselves into every groove of my brain. And what broke my barriers were her hurtful eyes. I wasn't even upset at her for the outburst of fury or the fact she laid her hands on me. No, none of that mattered when I saw how broken and hurt her beautiful eyes dulled out. I was a coward for looking away from her eyes, avoiding the penance for my sins.
I did the one thing I swore I would never do to her: I hurt her.
I hurt my Juliet.
No, I broke my Juliet.
I broke her, shattered her, then stomped all over the pieces.
" Cazzo !"
The pain in my foot from kicking my desk chair didn't faze me because of my numbing anger.
I'm such a fucking idiotic bastard!
Picking up the empty liquor glass, I threw it against the wall with a shout of anguish and anger.
Never before have I hated myself so much. This self-loathing felt disgusting but deserved. I should have never let my anger get the best of me, let alone said the things I did. I couldn't even comprehend the fact I said such words to Juliet, especially the part about her going back to the place and calling her a whore.
"You fucking idiot!" I cursed at myself as I slammed my head against the wall as a punishment.
Honestly, I didn't even know how such words came to my mind. Everything turned into a haze the moment she ripped into me and shoved at me.
Shouting angrily at the air, I punched the wall, putting a nice hole in it. I couldn't even bring myself to scream at the pain in my hand because I fucking deserved it.
Whatever pain and punishment came my way as a result of me being a shitty person was all deserved.
The only thing I didn't deserve right now was Juliet.
My sweet Juliet.
Sliding down the wall, I let myself drown in my despair while I mentally ripped myself apart like never before. I called myself every name in the book in both English and Italian, saying any and every hurtful thing I had ever heard or come up with in my life.
As the ocean of guilt swallowed me, something caught my eyes, causing the knife in my chest to sink deeper.
The necklace she had thrown at me lay discarded on the ground like my heart and mind because I damn well must have fucking lost it somewhere to say the shit I did to Juliet.
Hopelessly, I crawled over and picked up the necklace I had gifted her the day she went back to school. Back then, it really was meant as a symbol of my protection over her, but over time, it became my mark on her. As crude as it sounded, it was my way of marking her as my possession. My girl. Mine.
But the hurt I felt from her taking it off and chucking it at me was all my fault. I deluded myself into seeing the necklace as a collar on her, my collar that I had placed on her months ago when it was nowhere that close. Yet, the meaning to me became skewed over time.
So, when she threw it at me, it was the equivalent of her holding a loaded gun and putting a bullet into me. The thing felt like a bullet hitting me when it bounced off my chest. I had been too stunned at the moment from my heart shattering to pieces and numb from my sheer stupidity to grab it when it fell to the ground.
Why the hell did I even say the things I did?!
I never should have lost control and retaliated like that toward Juliet, no matter how much my fire was fed.
I didn't physically lay my hands on her, but the venomous words I spat were a million times worse than if I did put a hand on her. Physical wounds would heal, but the ones my words created might never.
Suffering in my never-ending cycle of anguish and guilt, the sound of the door opening and footsteps approaching me flew over my head by a mile. I didn't even realize my friends had surrounded me until someone nudged me with their foot.
"Wow, you look like shit." I didn't even have the energy to be mad at Ares and try to punch him for saying that.
"Damn, not even a glance." Sebastian sounded concerned, but I wasn't completely sure.
"Hey," another foot nudged me, Aidan's maybe, judging from the leaner leg. "Shit, how bad did you fuck up?"
A set of hands grabbed my arms, hauling my sorry ass up against the wall before a sharp sting bit my already aching cheek, making me hiss and wince. "God damn it, Luciano, get a fucking grip of yourself." Leah's harsh words scraped my ears like nails on a chalkboard. "Not to say I told you so, but I fucking told you so. You should have come clean with her from the start instead of trying to fix shit under her nose. It was only a matter of time, and unfortunately, that time just came and passed."
"What did you say to her? I mean, did she not understand when you explained yourself to her?" Aidan's question served as another slap to my face as the memories of my hurtful words hit my mind, making me physically wince at the pang to my chest.
"Oh my God, Luciano, what did you say?" Leah groaned tiredly with a shake of her head, her face falling in disappointment as if she already knew what my answer would be.
"Bad things that never should have been thought up in the first place," I admitted shamefully with a sharp inhale. "I just… I shouldn't have lost control… I hurt her so badly, and I'm afraid I've really pushed her off the deep end and lost her."
In no way, shape, or form did I deserve to have Juliet in my arms again or have the privilege to call her mine. But I would be straight-up lying if I said I was okay with that because there is no way in hell that the fact would sit well with me.
Grabbing the front of my shirt, Leah pulled me right up to her glaring face. "If you shoved her, then go jump after her and save her from your stupidity." A forceful shove back against the wall knocked a winded grunt out of me. "Get on your fucking knees and kiss her damn feet." Jabbing a finger right up to my face, she seethed at me, "If you don't make this remotely right, I will castrate you and make sure your dick can never be used again because you don't deserve it."
With a sympathetic pat to my chest, Sebastian let go of me and Ares, who had been on my other side. "Good luck, compadre ." Sebastian sighed before stepping away and leaving with Leah.
Then, much to my surprise, something stupid didn't come out of Ares's mouth for once. "Don't make the same mistake I did. Go after her, fucking grovel like your life depends on it because it does. The last thing you want to do is to leave things tense between you two like this." His eyes looked out into the distance with a sad smile on his face. "In our line of work, each day could be our last. Don't leave this memory of yours to be the last she remembers, and you sure as hell don't want this to be the last memory of hers flashing through your mind before Death greets you."
For once in a long time, Ares sounded hurt and broken, more so than me with his heavy and forlorn voice. I couldn't help but wonder if that was the future I was looking at if I didn't make things right with Juliet.
A life of booze and parties didn 't sound bad in hindsight, but it would all only be something to distract me from the truth and numb me to reality. I would be miserable living the life Ares was currently living. Hell, I was miserable with my life before Juliet came along and brightened it up with her sunny giggles and smiles.
"For both of your sakes, I really hope she forgives you at the very least… but I really hope you two can patch things up because love like that only comes once in a lifetime." Offering one last smile, he patted my shoulder and squeezed it. "Don't let her go. Fight for her until you cease to exist."
"Ares is right, for once." Aidan agreed with a dry chuckle and a sad smile. "You fucked up, but the damage isn't irreparable from the looks of it. Or, at least, you won't know until you've tried."
But if I tried and she still rejected me, or worse, refused to forgive me, I don't know if I could handle all of that without dying. The thought of Juliet being forever resentful of me or not having her as my girl physically ached my heart, and the more I thought about it, the more I could see myself becoming a shell of myself to pass by each day.
"Can you two do me a favor?"
"Depends on how illegal the favor is." Ares's madman grin stretched at his lips as his eyes set ablaze.
Crossing his arms, Aidan tilted his head slightly. "We're not helping you clean up your mess with Juliet, buddy." Aidan chuckled dryly with a shake of his head.
Forcing a smile to pinch on my face, I shook my head softly. "No, it has nothing to do with Juliet. So, are you in?"
"Fuck it, how bad can it be."
Maybe passing on alcohol was a bad idea.
Whatever courage I had in my body ran away like a cowardly dog now that I stood right outside Juliet's door. The debate to turn around to the kitchen for a few shots seemed tempting, but the faint sounds of Juliet's sobbing kept my heart anchored to my spot.
God damn it, quit being a pussy. Just man up, own up to your fuck ups, and fucking beg for her forgiveness and apologize.
It shouldn't be this much of a battle to apologize to Juliet, and it wasn't my stupid 'manly' pride getting in the way. I already chucked that aside during my wallowing of self-pity in the shower a few hours ago. At this point, I was fucking scared. The chance of things not working out for us was because of me terrified and ate at me. I didn't want to lose Juliet because of this, even if it was completely my fault.
Swallowing my nerves, I leaned my head against the door and knocked. "Juliet—"
"No! Go away! I don't want to talk to you! I don't want to see you! Ever again!"
The rawness of her voice felt like claws tearing at my heart. "Juliet, please!"
"No! I hate you! I fucking hate you! You are no better than everyone else in my life!"
Okay, fuck this.
I wasn't going to have another argument through a door.
Grabbing the handle, I tried to turn it but found it locked. The reasonable thing would be to find the key and unlock it like a normal person, but I wasn't being reasonable right now with my urgency to talk to Juliet. So, I kicked the door in.
"Luciano! What the fuck! Get out!" Juliet screamed at me with her raw throat, grabbing the nearest thing to her—a fucking lamp—and hurling it at me.
Ducking out of the way, I let the lamp shatter behind me as I shut the door as best as I could.
Juliet continued to chuck things at me as I approached her, from the little trinkets on her nightstands to the pillows on her bed. I easily dodged them as I made my way to Juliet, who fully stood at the edge of her bed with her hands clenched at her sides.
An ache in my knees caused my steps to falter when I came closer and saw her state. Her face was covered in tears with strands of her hair soaked and stuck to it, her eyes red and swollen, her stuffy nose was red and runny, and her poor lips were getting dry and chapped up. Then, her shoulders slumped, her chest spasmed with her hiccups, and how pained she looked hunched over twisted the dull knife into my stomach.
Fuck. I caused all of that. I did that to her.
"I am so sorry." I croaked out as my knees gave out from under me, sending me to her feet.
Throwing my arms around her waist, I pushed her back a little, forcing her to sit on the edge of the bed. "Juliet, I am so sorry." Everything started to crack with my voice as I hugged Juliet's legs.
"I am so fucking sorry." I couldn't bear to look at her. "Just please let me apologize and explain myself. All I ask is for you to listen. If you want me to leave when I am done, then I will."
I wasn't worthy to gaze upon her anymore.
"I know I can say sorry a million, billion, infinite times, and it won't undo the hurt I have dealt you with my words said in anger." My words strangled my tight throat as my tears started to burn my eyes. "I am sorry for not being a good man to you, the man I promised I would be. God, I am so sorry for hurting you like I did. I didn't physically raise my hand at you, but my words did worse than what a strike would have done, and I am so sorry from my very soul to the bottom of my heart."
Taking a second to breathe and recollect myself, I continued to speak while keeping my head bowed and pressed against her knees. "I had to do what I needed to protect you and keep you safe the day Carol came here for the meeting. The lie slipped my tongue before my mind could catch it. I had no intention of fulfilling it at all, I swear. It was empty-headed of me not to tell you about any of it, but I never thought I would have to cross the damn bridge. I had planned on taking Carol out of business and shutting other places down to put out the fire I had created with the lie. I mean, once I took care of everything, then I wouldn't have to face the music."
Pausing for another moment of silence, I cleared my fogging mind and stroked her calves with my thumbs. "I didn't buy you from your parents or anyone. The day we went to your parents, I tricked them into signing an NDA and gave them money to ensure their silence and cooperation in my lie and for them never to contact you ever again." I wasn't a monster, even if it seemed like it at times .
Swallowing nervously, I slowly tilted my head back to look up at Juliet with terrified but sincere eyes. "Everything about us, my feelings for you, my love for you, is all real. None of it was ever fake or under the guise of leading you into some sham of a marriage." Laughing at myself pathetically, I smiled forlornly at her. "I tried to push you away and keep you at a distance for so long because you kept clouding my mind and judgment, but I couldn't help my heart from bleeding out for you."
My fingers twitched with a need to hold Juliet's precious face and wipe those tears away with kisses. "I cannot imagine my life without you in it. There is no life for me without you, Juliet." A sudden ache in my heart caused me to wince. "I swear, I will get on my knees every second of every day and grovel before you, do whatever you say and ask of me, anything and everything, and you can say and do whatever the fuck you want to me as long as it helps you move towards forgiving me. I will take it all, but…"
The memory of those four words choked my breath and spilled my tears down my face. "But please, please don't ever say that you don't love me, ever again. You can say you hate me all you want, be mad at me, punch me, slap me, kick me, burn me, I don't care. Just don't burn me with those four words, please."
Choking out a pathetic sob because my damn emotions had a mind of their own, I bowed my head again to hide my face in her knees for a moment to straighten myself out as much as possible before looking up at her again with pained eyes. "I don't want that nightmare ever to come true. I don't want to wake up to our bed empty of you. To wake up to a life without you by my side."
My next words might mean nothing to her, but I had to get them out after putting all my heart and soul into them.
"I love you, Juliet, I truly do, and that will never change. You are my principessa, my amorina. "