CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Blair
My eyes glaze over as I stare down at the phone in my hand, guilt consuming me while I will it to stop ringing.
Zane’s parents have been calling all morning, and I don’t know what to say to them.
I don’t know how to help. Especially after seeing Zane.
It feels like a betrayal of sorts. They should be talking to each other.
The front door rattles and I breathe a sigh of relief. Nathan’s home. He was a rock for me when the accident first hit the news, and I need him to be that for me now.
“Nathan?” I call out, hearing the thud of his bag dropping to the floor. “I—”
“Of course, I’m in,” he says excitedly to someone that isn’t me, his voice getting louder as he approaches. “Just let me shower and I’ll be there.”
He hangs up as he reaches me, pressing a kiss to my cheek.
“Hey, babe. I’m glad you’re home.” Without registering my stunned expression, he moves around me to the fridge and rummages through the contents.
“The guys are all heading to Reggie’s place”—his captain—“for a bonding session. We’ve got our biggest rivals this weekend, so they want to talk strategy. ”
“Don’t the coaches help with that?”
“Usually, yeah.” His head pops out from behind the door and he smiles. “But Reg has been playing for twelve years; he knows his stuff.”
“Are you going to be late? I wanted to ta—”
“Nah. I’ll be home by nine thirty. I need my beauty sleep ahead of practice.”
“Okay. Do you have a min—”
His phone blares in his hand, cutting me off as his laughter fills the air. “These guys are way more full on than the Florida boys, but they’re a good bunch.”
He grabs an apple and brushes past me again, answering his phone as he heads down the hall. “Let me guess,” he says to whoever’s on the line. “You need a ride.”
There’s a beat of silence before he chuckles. “Of course,” he continues. “I’m always here if you need me.”
I choke back a laugh as my stomach sinks. Are you sure about that, Nathan? Because right now, I don’t think I’ve needed you more.
For the next couple of weeks, Zane’s parents call every other day to talk to me about the press hounding them. They’ve had calls, people showing up at their house, their workplaces.
It’s a lot, and I hate that I’m here when I should be there comforting them.
I don’t even know why I’m here. Nathan’s spent more time away than at home lately and I’m more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.
I understand he has commitments and away games.
But even when he’s here, he’s never really here.
I need him to be present. Absence is not making my heart grow fonder, and I don’t think he realizes the damage he’s doing.
I’m questioning everything and don’t know what to do anymore. Or who to talk to.
When I find another missed call from Zane’s mom, my heart breaks.
Zane’s shielded expression from when he told me they hadn’t spoken in a while comes back to mind, and my sadness is crushing.
They’ve all been through so much. I can’t imagine walking in their shoes. Being an outsider is difficult enough.
I’m at a breaking point when my dad calls Thursday night, but like always, I keep the smile on my face as we talk, not wanting to worry him.
“You’d tell me if it was getting to be too much for you, right?
” he asks, referring to the increased media attention surrounding the accident.
I smile, genuinely this time. I may not be able to see Dad, but I can picture the concerned look he’s undoubtedly giving me.
“You know, I’ll be on the first flight out of here. ”
“I do. Thanks, Dad. But I’m fine. I feel awful for everyone else involved.”
“Is Nathan there? Is he helping you?”
“Of course,” I lie, hoping the slight lift in my voice doesn’t give me away, as longing works its way into my chest. “I’m lucky to have him.” At least I was. Now I’m not so sure.
“Mm-hmm.” Dad grumbles, his skepticism rivaling Cade’s.
“Dad,” I scold jokingly, but it’s not lost on me that he’s not far off base with his reaction this time.
“I know, Princess. You can look after yourself.”
“I can and I will. I’ll talk to you on Sunday, okay?”
“Wouldn’t miss it. Love you.”
He hangs up and the happiness instantly drops from my face. It’s just one thing after another. I still don’t have a job, Zane’s parents are looking to me to solve all their problems, and Nathan’s MIA.
I don’t bother checking the time when I fall into bed on my own—once again left waiting for Nathan to get home—but I’m half asleep when he softly shakes me awake.
“Hey, baby,” he whispers, wrapping his arm around my waist as he slides in behind me, his semi hard erection pressing into my ass. “I’ve missed you. I didn’t expect tonight to run so late. I—”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. I said I’d be home and I wasn’t.” There’s genuine remorse in his tone as he pulls me against him and tightens his hold, breathing into my neck. “Forgive me, please?”
The sincerity in his voice hits me and for a moment, I lie still, letting myself breathe now that I’m wrapped in the protection of his arms.
But I should have known my peace couldn’t last.
Nathan’s erection grows while he gently caresses my stomach, snaking his hand under my silk camisole, his fingers dancing toward my breasts. I hiss back a sharp breath and he mistakes it for what it’s not.
“You know I love your stomach, babe.” He squeezes me beneath his palm. “But if you’re worried, I’m sure there’s something we could do. You don’t have to suck in.”
What? “That’s not—”
“I’m never going to stop loving you, no matter what.”
I squirm in his arms because… What the hell does that mean?
His hand drifts back down my body until he brushes the waistband of my shorts, and when his fingers glide beneath the elastic, my heart jolts violently, my insides knotting uncomfortably. This isn’t right.
“Nathan, stop.” I grab his hand to still him, wriggling out of his hold. “I’ve had an awful day and I’m not in the mood.”
“You’re never in the mood anymore. We haven’t had sex in weeks.”
“I—”
“Before you blame me, I know it’s my fault. Believe me, I do. I’ve been busy. But I promise, you’re still my number one, even if it doesn’t feel that way.”
A moment of guilt settles in my chest until I realize it shouldn’t. He can acknowledge his faults as much as he wants, but he completely ignored the fact that I’d had a bad day. “I need you home more, Nathan. I’ve had a lot going on and—”
“You’re right. I’ll try harder. I promise.”
“That—”
“Come here.” He pulls me into him and I involuntarily stiffen. “I promise. I’ll keep it PG,” he adds in reaction to my obvious rejection. “I just want to hug you. I love you.”
Tears prick my eyes, but I let him hold me, praying he doesn’t notice. And it’s in that moment, when I’m overcome with resignation, that panic takes over me.
He doesn’t feel like my Nathan anymore. Not since moving here.
But the scariest part is, I don’t think he’s the one that’s actually changed.
I don’t think I’m the same Blair.
With a constant fog clouding my brain, I go through the motions over the next week. But while internally, I’m a mess, I must play my part well, because Nathan’s none the wiser. And I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.
I’ve even got a smile plastered on my face as I hang up from speaking to Zane’s dad, and for the briefest of seconds, I let myself believe that it’s real.
“They’re going to be okay,” I mumble to myself, sighing in relief.
“They’re going to be okay.” I fall back onto our rock-hard couch, immediately jumping up again.
“Why is this couch so damn uncomfortable?” My fists clench in frustration.
“Why is it all so damn uncomfortable?” I throw my hands in the air as Nathan appears out of nowhere, offering me a sympathetic grin that makes bitterness fill my mouth.
“Come here.” He opens his arms wide but I shake my head.
“A hug won’t fix this.”
“The couch?” He raises a brow with a knowing smile.
“Nothing will fix that stupid couch. This isn’t about that.”
It’s about Zane’s parents, it’s about the stupid media frenzy, and it’s about Sierra. How is it that for years no one has mentioned the accident, but Zane appears in my life and now it’s all coming out? I can’t handle this again. I barely survived it the first time.
“Of course this isn’t about the couch.” Nathan steps forward until I shake my head again, making him pause. “You’ve been a little off for days, but I can’t help if you won’t tell me what’s going on.”
Days? Is he kidding me?
“I’ve tried to talk to you.” I let the days comment slide.
“Several times. But you’re always too busy.
You’re out with the guys, or taking on extra practice and training.
While I’m stuck here. Alone. Dealing with the fallout of the accident again.
I’d moved on. And now the past is back to mess with me. ”
“No, you hadn’t.”
“What?”
“You hadn’t moved on.” He stabs me with a metaphorical knife and I gape. “I’m surprised you’re even telling yourself that. Yes, I’ve been busy. But I’m not blind. Things have changed since you saw Zane again. That’s not the reaction of someone that’s moved on.”
My heart jolts, and for the first time in way too long, I allow myself to feel.
To encompass every emotion I’ve been avoiding, letting it all come to the surface, and it’s thick.
“You think everything I’m feeling is because of Zane?
” I scoff, my expression reflecting the disbelief that I feel.
Is it hot in here? I inhale sharply. The air around me is stifling.