CHAPTER SEVENTEEN #2
“Am I wrong?” he challenges, and I open my mouth to refute but he keeps talking.
“You miss him. And while I’ve never liked it, I’ve always understood it.
He was your first love. He’s going to leave a mark.
But he left and you promised me that door had been permanently closed.
But it’s not. It’s wide open again. You haven’t moved on from that part of your life at all, but you should. For your own sake, not mine.”
My brows furrow and a hysterical laugh bursts out of me.
“That’s not why I’m hurting. Yes, it was hard seeing Zane again.
And confusing. But I’m struggling because none of this feels right.
I moved for you, and now I see you less than I ever did.
I’m upset because the accident that changed my life is back in the spotlight and you’re not here to help me through it.
I’m breaking because Zane’s parents are getting harassed by the media again, and I’m not there when they need me. I’m here.”
“They shouldn’t be your problem, Blair. Zane should be there. He should never have left them to pick up the pieces alone.”
I freeze and my heart sinks as realization hits me. He doesn’t get it. And maybe he never did. But he was there for me, and I let myself fall for him.
He was amazing back then. But now… “Of everything I just confessed, the one thing you’re arguing about is the one thing that doesn’t concern you.
You’re right, Zane should be there for them.
But they’ve always been family to me, and they called me asking for support.
You know me—I’d never say no to someone asking for help.
It’s one of the reasons you fell in love with me, right? ”
“It is. But it’s hard to hear about your ex’s parents. It’s—”
“Stop,” I cut him off. Dammit. He still has no clue. “This isn’t about that. Not entirely. I understand that’s hard for you; I do. But that should be the least of your worries because the problem is closer to home. Can’t you feel it?”
“I—”
“Wait. Before you say anything, this has nothing to do with Zane. I’ve been lost since moving here, and I’ve tried talking to you about it, but you brush it off…
telling me it takes time. The thing is, I’ve had time.
I’ve got nothing but time. I have nothing else.
And instead of being here for me, helping me through it, you’ve been spending your time away. ”
“Come on, Blair. You know I’ve been doing that for you.
” He reaches for my hand and for some stupid reason, I let him take it.
“It’s going to take time for us both to get settled.
That’s all this is. We can’t just pack up and leave.
We’re better than that. Change is hard.” He squeezes my hand and smiles sympathetically.
“Just you wait... By Christmas you’re going to be wondering why you were so worried in the first place. ”
What? “You’re not listening,” I whisper, my chest aching as I finally pull back my hand. What am I still doing here? “This isn’t working.”
“Maybe not now, but it will.”
“No.” I shake my head. “This is bigger than you’re thinking. I need to figure out how I feel.”
“About what?” For the first time, a moment of panic mars Nathan’s features. “About us?”
“About everything.”
“Including Zane.”
“No, Nathan. I told you; this isn’t about him. We haven’t spoken since he was in LA weeks ago. I’m not sitting here questioning my feelings for him; I’m questioning my feelings for you. I’m questioning us. Our relationship.”
“Blair,” Nathan voice breaks and his crestfallen expression makes me want to take it all back.
I want to pull him into my arms and tell him it’s all going to be okay.
But I can’t. The tension surrounding us is so thick it’s screaming at me to walk away because staying wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
“I’m scared, Nathan,” I admit, emotion clogging my throat. “I don’t want to lose you. But…” I trail off as my heart tears in two.
“But?”
“Too much has changed between us and I don’t—”
“Fuck.” He shakes his head over and over before looking me in the eyes.
Really looking at me. And it makes me wonder if he’s ever truly looked at me before.
He must see something in my expression because he steps forward and palms my face, his eyes wide with concern.
“I’ll be better,” he promises, staring down at me.
“I’ll make sure I’m home more. I’ll help out around the condo.
Hell, I’ll buy a new couch. I’ll buy you anything you want.
Just please don’t give up on us. Please.
You haven’t even given me a chance. This is all coming out of nowhere. ”
I’m shaking my head before he’s finished talking. “It’s not. I’ve been feeling this way since we moved.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried.”
“No.” Nathan states firmly, rearing back. “That’s not something I’d forget. You’ve never once said that.” His nostrils flare before he curses under his breath. “What can I do to fix this?” His voice is rushed. Panicked. Unsteady. And I feel bad. I feel bad.
“It’s not that easy. There isn’t a quick fix.”
“There has to be. I can’t lose you. You said you were happy to move to LA. You said it would be good to get away. I wouldn’t have come—”
“Yes, you would have. Football is your dream, Nathan. It always has been and I wanted this for you. I’ve dreamed of being a football wife.
Of being there when you rise to your full potential.
To fame. But something changed in me. And now, every time you walk out that door, I’m torn between resentment and guilt.
Resentment because you’re leaving me behind, and guilt because I’m happy to see you go. ”
“Jesus Christ.” He rakes a hand though his hair and his expression almost breaks me. “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?” His eyes plead with me to say yes, but I can’t shake the feeling that if I stay, we’re both going to crumble.
“You can give me time.”
“Fuck. You don’t need time. You need to stay so we can work this out.”
“I can’t.”
“Let me fix this? I’ll do anything. I need you by my side.”
My already broken heart shatters as tears coat my eyes. Nathan’s not a bad guy, and I hate doing this to him, but he’s not good for me.
He may be willing to do something now that he knows there’s a problem, but I need someone who puts me first before things fall apart.
Or maybe…I need to be alone. To find myself again.
Nausea consumes me as I lose my breath, the air around me so thick it feels like a knife slicing my throat. And for once, Nathan notices.
“Blair.” He rushes forward, pulling me against him. “Breathe with me. Please.” I take in a few quick breaths but it doesn’t help. “Slowly, Blair. Deep breaths.”
Doing as asked, I breathe in through my nose until my belly fills and release it slowly, feeling my body relax. It only takes a few breaths and my head clears.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime. I always want to be here for you.”
“I know. It kills me to be at this point.”
“I don’t think you want this. You just had a panic attack over it.”
“No. That’s not what that was. I’m scared of starting over. But I still think it’s the right thing to do.”
“Blair, please.”
“I need air. No, I need space.”
“What kind of space?”
“I’m going to ask Jenna if I can stay with her for a few days. I’ll see how I feel after that.”
“Please don’t do that. I need you, Blair. I—”
“No, you don’t.” I cup his cheek, a soft smile tugging at my lips. “You’ve never needed me. You’ve got your teammates, and you’ve got football. You’ll be okay.”
“Blair.”
“It’s just a few days.” I wave him off and turn to leave until his next question stops me in my tracks.
“Is it?” he asks, his voice breaking. “Is it really just a few days?”
I pause, his words making me falter. The truth is… “I don’t know. But I can’t figure it out until I’m gone.”