CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Blair
Jenna pouts, her expression pinched as she squeezes my arm. “I’m sorry I have to go, but I’m only filming for a few hours today.” Her mood lifts, and she smiles expectantly.
“Jenna, I told you. I don’t want to get in the way.”
“You’re not.” She rolls her eyes and I appreciate the jokingly flippant response. She’s keeping it light because God knows, I’ve got enough heavy in my life. “I love having you around.”
“Thanks, Jenna.” A sigh escapes me, and a little of that weight lifts from my shoulders. It’s been five days since I walked out on Nathan and I haven’t gone back.
I thought I’d miss him like crazy, but instead, I’m discovering things about the person I’ve become that I didn’t realize. Things I never would have considered normal before.
Like the fact that I seek approval from Jenna whenever I want to put on the TV or listen to music. After cooking us a meal, I asked if there’s anything she wanted me to change the next time I made it. Or if it tasted okay. While I was eating it, knowing full well it tasted fine. Great even.
I’d never noticed the things I did for Nathan, and being here made me understand why I’ve been so desperate to find a new job. My work was the only part of my life he didn’t have a say on. He couldn’t. It had nothing to do with him. Except when he wanted me to stay home.
As scary as it is to process what’s changed in me, or why, the feelings I thought I had aren’t there anymore. The love I once had has shifted and is fading. Fast. I don’t know what to do anymore.
“Hey.” Jenna snaps her fingers in front of my face, shaking her head. “No moping, remember?”
“Yes.” I force a smile, a rushed laugh escaping me. “I won’t mope.” At least I’ll try.
“Promise?”
“I promise.” To try. “In fact, I think I might go for a hike. I want to visit the national forest. Get some fresh air into my lungs.”
“Oh, yeah? Where? Which part?” Jenna’s excitement has my smile widening for real, and for the first time since I left Nathan, I feel a spark of something new.
“I want to walk up to the Mount Wilson Observatory.”
“Ooh, yes. You’ll love that trail. It’s difficult but beautiful.”
“Sounds perfect. If I can get out of my head for long enough to enjoy it.”
“I know you usually like to be at one with nature, but why don’t you listen to music? It could help.” She scrunches her nose and I laugh.
“Good idea. I might do that. Now enough worrying.” I spin her toward the door, walking her forward. “You have to go.”
“What time do you think you’ll be back?” she asks over her shoulder as I continue guiding her toward the exit.
“I’ll leave in the next hour, so maybe four?”
“Great, I’ll make sure I’m home by then.”
“Thank you for this, Jenna.” I pause, letting her go so she can turn around. “I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you.” My eyes bounce around her space, and my chest warms.
“I’d like to think you would have kicked him out.” She smiles comically and my smile falls.
“This isn’t because of him. It’s me.”
“No, babe.” She grabs my arm, giving it a squeeze. “It’s not you at all. You moved here for him, and I’m glad you did, but you’ve been a little bit miserable and he’s done nothing to fix that.”
“But—”
“If you say it’s not his job, I’m going to have to slap some sense into you. He’s your boyfriend. Even if it’s not his job, he should still want you to be happy. No matter how much I like him as a person, I don’t like that. He’s barely even tried.”
“He says he is.”
“So you said. But he should be trying harder. Why isn’t he banging down my door to see you?”
“He’s called.”
“Called?” She waves her hands in a wild gesture. “Big deal. You deserve someone who will fight for you until their dying breath.” Her nose scrunches again and I laugh.
“That’s a little fairytale-esque. You don’t believe in that stuff.”
“I don’t believe in it for me. But for you, I can see it. Would you prefer your life was a villain origin story?”
“No, I’d prefer my life wasn’t dramatic at all.”
Jenna releases a slow breath as she nods. “You’re right. You deserve a boring life. A cookie-cutter husband. And two point five kids.”
“Thank you. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” I fake a smile and she bursts out laughing.
“Shut up. You don’t want that. But you don’t want this either. You’ll find your thing.”
My body deflates as her words relieve some of the built-up tension. “I hope so.”
“I know so.” She squeezes my arm again. “Now I better go or they’ll kill off my character. Another one of my characters.”
“I thought they were doing that anyway?”
“They are. But not for another few episodes.”
“Oh, yes. Go. Go. Go.”
With a smile, she kisses me on the cheek and rushes off, waving one last time before the door shuts behind her.
The instant she’s gone, a frown replaces my smile.
I may not know what I want, or how I’m supposed to move forward, but one thing’s for sure… I don’t like where I’m at. And something has to change.
Taking Jenna’s advice, I adjust my earbuds and set off on my trek, a 90s pop playlist keeping me company.
But as I trudge through the thick of the forest, smiling at the passersby, I couldn’t tell you a single song that played.
I may be physically present, but my mind is back in my condo, staring at my side of the bed, half made, wondering where it all went wrong.
Was it me? Should I have tried harder to settle in?
Or is Nathan right, and Zane had something to do with my change of heart?
Yes, I was worried about moving and work before I left Florida, before Zane came back into my life, but I wasn’t questioning things like I am now. Maybe I would have worked harder if he’d never walked back into my life.
The weight of my issues slows me down for the first couple of miles, but as the elevation peaks and I hit my stride, the solace finally takes over, a calmness settling in my chest.
Like it always does.
“Stronger” by Britney Spears comes on, and a lightness fills me. There’s even a bounce in my step.
I can get through this.
I deserve to be happy. If I want a cookie-cutter husband and two point five kids then that’s what I’ll have. I don’t want that. But the point is…it’s time to figure out what I do want and refuse to settle for anything less.
With or without Nathan.
My stomach tenses at the thought, but I put on a smile and shake it all off.
I’ve got this. I’ve—
“Are you kidding me right now?” I jolt as Zane steps into my line of sight, and the tension comes rushing back. Goddammit.
“Blair?” Zane’s gaze widens in fake confusion and I roll my eyes. “What are you—”
“Cut the crap, Zane. What do you want?”
He raises his hands in surrender, but I see through the lie before he gets the chance to voice it. He’s here for me. And I’ll bet anything Jenna sent him.
“I’m enjoying the sights,” he muses, his gaze traveling slowly from my face to my legs, his smirk making me squirm. “What about you?” he asks, his eyes meeting mine when he completes his inspection.
“I’m leaving.” Spinning on my heels, I head back the way I came, but throw him one last comment over my shoulder, annoyed that he ruined my calm. “Don’t follow me.”
I can’t believe they set me up.
I take a few more steps, determined not to let him get to me, but at the last second, pettiness takes over, and I spin back around. “And if you want sights…” I call out, holding my arms wide to gesture to our beautiful surroundings, “enjoy this,” I snap, flipping him off.
I’m smiling when I turn around, but as soon as I’m facing away from him, my breath hitches and the fight leaves me.
Why can’t my life be easy?
Why does this have to be so hard?