CHAPTER TWENTY
Blair
Zane stills, and I find myself doing the same, a breath caught in my throat. For the first time, I think I got through to him. Only now that I have, I feel sick about it.
Throughout this entire conversation there’s been an air of cockiness surrounding him. Actually, it’s always been there. He wears it like armor. Now that it’s gone, I want to take everything back.
“Zane, I—”
“No, I get it. I do, but you can’t deny that it’s weird we ran into each other again, after all these years. I realize what I’m saying sounds crazy. I’ve never believed in that shit, and I still don’t. But you’re here, standing in front of me. That has to mean something. I think.”
His face contorts and I can’t help but smile at his confusion. This whole exchange is not very Zane-like and he knows it.
“You’re smiling?” He bounces his eyebrows, his own smile forming.
“I am. But you’ve got it all wrong.”
“How so?”
“For one… Technically you’re here. And that’s not by fate. You knew where I was. It’s basically stalking.”
Zane’s smile morphs into a smirk and a little of his cockiness returns.
“It’s completely stalkerish, but I wasn’t referring to this.
I was talking about you being a nurse at the hospital I was taken to and you being at my first game back.
Both odd occurrences. Not to mention the fact that you live in California now. ”
Letting my head fall back, I look at the sky and count down from three to relax myself.
Fucking fate. “If everything happens for a reason then why do I feel like moving here was a mistake? Why can’t I find a job?
Why are Nathan and I—” Jesus. Slamming my eyes shut, I wince, cursing under my breath. Why the hell would I say that out loud?
With a sigh, I open my eyes to find Zane staring back at me, concern in his gaze. “Ignore that. I’m going.” I wave over my shoulder as I spin to leave.
“No, wait.” Zane’s calloused fingers curl around my wrist, and a shiver runs through me. “What do you mean you can’t find a job? I thought there was a nurse shortage.”
“Way to rub it in.” I force a grin as he spins me to face him. “Thanks for that.”
“Fuck. No. That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” I blow out a breath, my cheeks puffing in the process, hoping it will distract me from the pit forming in my stomach.
“I’ve been asking myself the same question.
But I don’t have enough experience. I have no experience in California.
It’s like they believe nursing differs between states.
I went through the right channels. I filled out all the right paperwork.
But no one is hiring.” My cheeks heat with embarrassment and I avert my gaze. “Or maybe they’re not hiring me.”
“Shit.” Zane releases my wrist and I instantly miss the warmth.
“I’m sorry. God, you must be hating that.
” He runs a hand through his hair, visibly upset on my behalf.
“Staying home was never your thing. Is there something else you can do in the meantime? To get that feeling back?” He glances away, lost in thought, and my lips part in awe at his assessment.
His correct assessment. “What about your writing? I imagine that would keep you busy and—”
“What?”
“Your writing?” He frowns, clearly confused by my question. “I know you’re a nurse now. But you were always writing when we were younger.”
“I haven’t written for a long time. It was a silly dream and—”
“What’s silly about it?”
“Okay, maybe not silly because plenty of people write. But it was selfish. I was doing it for me. Because I liked to escape. Nursing helps others.”
“The fuck.” Zane frowns, shaking his head. “I seem to remember a big spiel you gave Cade when he questioned why you wanted to be a writer more than anything else. Do you need me to remind you of that?” This time when my eyes widen, he notices and smirks. “Yeah, I remember a lot about you, B.”
“That was then. This is now.”
“So, people these days don’t need an escape from their stressful lives. They don’t need books to make them smile, characters to help them believe in love, stories to give them strength. Hope.”
Jesus. His memory is almost word-perfect. I can still picture that moment. Me putting Cade in his place, Zane giving me a slow clap at the end.
“I still believe in all of that. But being a writer doesn’t save lives. It wouldn’t have saved—”
“Agree to disagree on that one.” Zane abruptly cuts me off and I stumble over Sierra’s name. “If it’s not what you want, I’ll drop it.”
“Okay, thanks.” That’s oddly respectful for Zane and I’m not entirely buying it.
He’d usually push me on something like that.
It’s what I love—loved about him. Although, I can’t help but notice it’s the second time he’s changed the subject when the topic has moved to his sister.
Or close to her. This time I couldn’t get her name out.
Is this his way of avoiding the tension that initially tore us apart?
“We don’t need to get into this,” I say, letting him off the hook so we don’t end up in unwanted territory again.
“I want to.” He motions for me to start walking and settles beside me. “I’m just trying to get my head around the change. So, you’re looking for a nursing job?”
“I am.” I nod, giving in since we’re at least moving in the right direction. To my car.
“Okay. What’s Nathan doing to help you? Has he asked around? Spoken to the medical team at the Suns?”
“What? No. He’s new to the team. He needs to focus on himself for now and—”
“Bullshit.”
I scoff at his remark. “It’s not bullshit, Zane. Stop trying to paint him as the bad guy. He was around. He stayed.”
Zane freezes, his hands balling into fists. “He was around? Do you really want me to respond to that? If he hadn’t been around, maybe none of this would have happened.”
My breath hitches as grief overwhelms me. “Zane.”
“No, Blair. I get it, you love him and you hate me, but don’t pretend he didn’t play a part in all of this. He’s not Mr. Innocent.”
He stands tall, ready for a fight, but I’m not prepared to give him one. It hurts too much.
“I don’t hate you, Zane.” My shoulders drop as I sigh.
“What?”
“I don’t hate you. I never hated you. How could I when I’m the reason you left?”
“B—”
“No, please. Maybe we need this to move on. Maybe that’s the reason you’re here. The reason Jenna’s working with Hayley. The reason I’m in California and attended your first game after your injury. We could get closure. We never really had that.”
“Is that what you want?”
“It’s what’s right.” I start walking again and Zane strides to catch up, grabbing my arm to stop me.
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I know,” I sigh, hitting him with a soft smile. “But that’s all I’ve got.”
“Then what do you want from me? To move on.”
“I want you to tell me that we did the right thing. That you leaving was the right decision.”
He thinks on that for a moment and I nervously worry my lip. “Are you happy with Nathan?” he finally asks, pinning me with his gaze. “I know you’re not happy living here and not having a job, but does he make you happy? Because if that’s a yes…we did the right thing.”
Zane holds my stare, the pain obvious in the depth of his eyes, and when I hesitate for less than a second, he notices.
“I lost my best friend.” I pause, wanting to tell him I lost him too, but I don’t.
I hold that truth close to my heart. “It took a while to be happy again. But I got there. I did.” I’m not exactly answering his question, but it’s close enough.
“What about you?” I ask, shifting the focus.
“You said so yourself—you couldn’t stay because you’d constantly be reminded of Sierra.
Did leaving work? Or did you take her memory with you? ”
“That’s not what this is about, B. That’s all in the past. I want to know how you feel now. In the present.” He once again changes the topic, and I can’t move on.
“Zane, I think…” I trail off as a thought hits me. “Can you say her name?” I whisper, my breath catching as the question leaves my mouth.
“What?” Zane releases a breathy laugh.
“Sierra. Can you say her name?”
“Of course I can. But like I said, this isn’t about that. It’s—”
“Say it,” I cut him off and he sighs, running a hand down his tortured face.
“Why?”
“Because I need to hear it from your lips.”
“Why?” he repeats, his voice straining, his fingers curling into the fabric of his pants.
“Because you are the only one in this entire world that knows what she meant to me, the only person who understands. She was like a sister to me. Hell, I thought we’d be in-laws one day. I think about her all the time, and I hate the thought of you pushing her from your mind.”
Zane’s expression falls, and I swear I see water in his eyes before he turns away, schooling his features. And when he glances back, his expression is stoic.
“I will never forget her, B. But please don’t make me say her name.” His voice cracks, and he pauses for a beat, before whispering two words that break me. “I can’t.”
“Zane—”
“No, B. Please. I’m okay. I promise.” He glances down at his watch, shaking his head. “I should let you walk. I know you, and I bet my life savings that you probably came here to think. I shouldn’t have interrupted.”
God-freaking-dammit. My chest aches and I desperately try not to compare him to Nathan but…
“How the hell do you know me so well? Did Jenna tell you that too?” Even as I say that, I know that I’m wrong.
Jenna wouldn’t have said that. He just knows.
“I never hiked back when you knew me,” I say under my breath, struggling to process the feeling of comfort welling up inside me.
Zane smiles warmly and it takes me back to his smiles from the past. “Lucky guess.” He shrugs, but I don’t think that’s true. He always paid attention. Always listened. Because it was what I deserved. His words, not mine.
“Thank you, Zane. For always being there for me back then. I won’t say I wish things had worked out differently because that’s not what this is.” And it’s not fair to Nathan. “But I will always wish you well.”
“Right back at you, B. Only I do wish things were different. For all of us.”
After Zane’s gone, I wander aimlessly for twenty minutes before heading to my car, willing myself not to glance around the parking lot in case he’s still there.
What a fucking mess.
I bark out a hysterical laugh as the vision of that mother’s horrified expression comes to mind. That’s not me. I’m not the girl who cusses loudly in public, or argues with teenagers seeking a moment with a football star.
Being around Zane makes me crazy, and at some point, I have to admit that’s my fault, not his.
I thought Nathan was wrong, that none of my doubts stem from Zane, because I was questioning my life before I ran into him.
Now, I’m not so sure. Zane brings up feelings from my past that I’d buried deep long ago, and as confusing as that might be, I can’t help wondering—like he said—if maybe it means something that he’s back. Not that I’ll ever admit that to him.
Guilt plagues me as I think about Nathan. He may not be an innocent party in all this, but if I was trying harder, it’s possible there’d only be cracks between us, instead of a break beyond repair.
My head aches and I massage my temples as a text comes through.
Nathan, right on time.
Nathan: Thinking of you. I miss you so much
My guilt thickens and the tightness in my chest intensifies. I never gave him a chance. Maybe if he knew everything I was feeling, he’d step up. He has been messaging and calling every few hours since I walked out our door. I have to give him credit for that.
He deserves it.
Blair: Want to meet me for a drink tonight? Paisley’s at eight?
Nathan: Yes! Thank you. I’ll be there. I love you
I smile, picturing the excitement in his eyes, until a new feeling overwhelms me, a distant pit forming in my stomach.
What if I see him and the feelings aren’t there anymore?
What if the love hasn’t just faded... What if it’s gone?
What if it’s too late?