CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE #2
“Exactly. I think he assumed you were still going to talk to him. That he was exempt from your goodbye.”
“No one was.”
I pause, thinking of his parents, lost without him. “It didn’t take long for us to realize that. But thank you, by the way.”
“For abandoning you?” He scoffs and I roll my eyes. We’ve already established that’s not what happened.
“I’m thanking you for staying away when I asked you to. It was the best thing for both of us.”
“But if I’d come back sooner, we could have had this conversation years ago. Maybe you’d never have hooked up with the douchebag.”
“No.” I shake my head with a laugh. “Everything happens for a reason. If you’d have come back sooner, I don’t think I would have been ready to see you.
Hell, I wasn’t ready to see you when I did.
It took me a long time to stop hating myself after what happened.
I thought seeing you again would bring back the pain.
” Only that’s not what happened. His presence made me stronger.
It’s making me stronger. Every day. I never would have survived this conversation with anyone else.
“If you’d come back sooner and I’d found out how broken you were, it would have derailed me again. ”
“I’m not broken.” Zane stands tall and smiles, while I stare at him deadpan.
“You’re not? What’s your sister’s name?” A sharp pang hits me. I don’t like hurting him, but it’s not healthy to avoid it.
Zane groans low in his throat, proving my point. “B…”
“Exactly.”
“But we lost so much time.”
“Did we?” I bite back a smile. “Are you expecting us to pick up from where we left off? Now that we’ve talked.
” I’m trying to joke but as the words leave my mouth, my heart pounds in my chest. I never stopped caring for Zane.
It just got mixed up with my feelings after the accident.
And I’ve got to admit, he’s making it hard to walk away again.
Whether he thinks I’m kidding or not, Zane laughs. “Fuck, yes, I am. You’ve been mine since the day I saved you from your surfboarding accident, and no amount of time or distance has changed that.”
If only it was that easy. “Zane—”
“But,” he cuts me off. “I’m not going to push you. I’ve waited years; what’s a little more?”
“Always the gentleman.” I laugh, knowing that’s not a descriptor anyone else would ever use for Zane. And as if reading my mind, he adds…
“Only for you.”
With my heart still thrashing around in my chest, I hold my smile, unsure what to do next until a yawn escapes me, snapping us out of the moment.
Zane’s eyes flash to his watch and he groans. “Shit. I should let you sleep. The couch was in the front room, right?”
He moves to stand, and an irrational fear runs through me. “No,”—I reach out to stop him—“I don’t want you to go. I’m not sure I could handle it if you did.”
“Thank fuck.” He sighs, making me giggle. “That’s the last thing I want to do. I just wasn’t sure if you still wanted me here after our talk.”
My stomach knots. I knew he was carrying some heavy baggage, but for him to think he caused the accident… “I can’t believe you’ve been harboring that guilt. All this time.”
“Likewise.”
“Maybe we deserve each other.”
“Blair, if I’d known you blamed yourself, I would have come back sooner. I would have fought for you. But I thought you blamed me. You told me your life would be better without me.”
“Because I hated myself, Zane. I thought your life would be better without me. Not the other way around. Only I should have known you’d never accept that.”
“You’re damn right I—”
A loud crash echoes through the apartment and we both freeze, our eyes on the door.
“Only me,” Jenna yells out. “Just getting home.”
Zane releases a breath, his gaze weary. “God, this is so fucked-up.” He crawls onto the bed, resting his back against the headboard as he pulls me into his arms, curling me into him.
“Should we make a promise to be more honest with each other from here on out?”
I scrunch my face because I’m still holding back. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he tells me again.
“You’re wrong. I—”
“Blair, I shut down completely that day. When we first spoke in the hospital, I was completely numb. I can barely remember what you said. But I can remember your broken expression. I can remember your tears. And I can remember our agreement. But I wasn’t exactly open to a deep and meaningful conversation. ”
“Me either, and honestly, I was scared of adding more to your stress. A little part of me didn’t think you’d stay away.”
“Really?”
“Yes. But then I let myself believe that you staying away proved that I’d been right. That you blamed me for what happened.”
“It never occurred to you that I was staying away because I cared? Because you’d asked me to?”
“No. I was self-deprecating. I wasn’t exactly thinking positively about anything. Including myself for that matter.”
“Ahh.” He squeezes me tighter. “It all makes sense now.”
“What does?” I frown, glancing up at him confused.
“Nathan was a punishment of sorts. Because you hated yourself.”
“No.” I laugh out loud. “Wishful thinking on your part.”
“Are you sure?” He raises a brow and I giggle when he smiles in anticipation.
“Yes, I’m sure. I loved him.”
“Loved? Past tense?”
“Yes and no.” I sigh quietly. “I don’t feel the same way I once did, but it’s not that easy to stop loving someone after that long.” Nathan’s not the only example I have for that statement.
Zane subtly winces before cupping my cheek, the sincerity and care in his eyes melting my heart. “Do you miss him?”
“I miss parts,” I say honestly, and he nods, listening to my every word, even if it hurts him.
“It took me longer than it should have to realize our relationship had been mostly about him. And as reluctant as I was to admit it, seeing you again helped me see that. It made me remember the woman I used to be.”
“My queen?”
I roll my eyes, and he chuckles.
“You wouldn’t have had to wait for me to come back if you’d listened when Cade told you how selfish Nathan was. Over and over.”
“I never listen to Cade, and before you say anything, I wouldn’t have listened to you either. I had to figure it out for myself. Your presence gave me that strength. If you’d just told me, it would have been obvious you were jealous, with the way you’re fawning over me.”
“Ooh, she’s making jokes now.”
“Who’s joking? You just admitted it. Plus, you should see your loved-up doe eyes.”
“I don’t have doe eyes. I’m a fucking man.” As if to prove his point, he flexes his muscles and growls. “See… man.”
“Hmmm. Didn’t I tell you you’re not allowed to growl anymore?”
“Why? Does it get you all hot and bothered?”
“No.” I nervously scratch the back of my neck.
“No?” he questions, and I see the moment he decides he’s going to do something to test that theory.
With a soft rebuttal, I try to wriggle out of his arms, but it’s no use. He grabs my shoulders, flipping me onto my back. “How about now?” He leans in close, his mouth brushing against my neck before he growls in my ear.
My entire body shivers as goose bumps coat my skin.
“You’re right.” He stops. “That doesn’t get you hot and bothered at all.” He sits up and I instantly miss the weight of him on top of me. But before I can say anything, he yawns this time.
“So…I guess I’m sleeping on the armchair?” He moves to stand again until I curl my fingers around his wrist, holding him in place.
“Stay here. Please. I want you to stay here.” My heart races as he freezes, the playfulness gone as he stares down at me, his gaze shifting to the bed, clearly conflicted.
I almost tell him the armchair is fine. But it’s not fine. I want him here.
Taking a deep breath, I let my fingers drop to his hand and nervously give it a squeeze. “Please. I want you to sleep next to me.”