CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Blair
Zane’s still asleep when I wake the next morning, and I bite back a groan as I wriggle out of his hold.
No matter how far away I am when we first go to sleep, at some point during the night, we end up like this—wrapped around each other, legs tangled, making it difficult to determine where I end and he begins.
Yesterday, he was the one to extract himself from me after his alarm went off, and though it woke me, I was still in a half dreamlike state and couldn’t move to help him.
Instead, I let him lift me gently and reposition me on my side of the bed, his palms warming my skin, his deep breaths making me melt.
This morning, it’s my turn. But unlike me, Zane makes it known that my movements have woken him.
“Don’t go,” he whines. “My alarm hasn’t gone off yet.”
I allow him to pull me back into his rock-hard chest, and hold my breath, knowing his delicious scent is about to attack me.
Other than these little moments in bed—when both of us pretend the rest of the world, along with all of our problems, no longer exist—Zane kept his word about not touching me.
Even though it kills him, he’s respecting my wishes and I’m grateful for that.
“Mmm.” He buries his face in my neck and groans, his raspy voice rumbling in my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. “You smell good.”
I smile at our similar thinking but before I can respond, a light buzzing permeates the air before Zane’s alarm blares. I like that he has a little pre-alarm alarm. It makes me less jumpy when I hear it.
“Dammit.” He groans again, this time out of annoyance. “I quit.”
“No, you don’t. You love football. And I love football players.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. Is that why you—”
“Don’t even finish that question, Fitzpatrick.” I roll over and glare his way. “Especially not when I’m wrapped up in your arms. Do you want me to freak out and decide this is all a mistake?” I’m joking, but the mention of Nathan does him no favors.
Zane clears his throat before rolling me onto my back and reaching over to silence his alarm. “Good morning, beautiful. When did you wake up?”
I laugh at his attempt to restart the day, but a little part of me swoons.
“Your alarm woke me just now.” I play along, smiling up at him as he hovers above me, careful not to touch me, now that we’re out of our overnight bubble.
“Did you sleep well?” he asks, always putting his concern for me ahead of everything else.
“I did. You?”
“Never better. I had this dream about a curly-haired goddess sharing my bed, and the feel of her tucked in beside me seemed to have a drugging effect. The good kind. The kind that gives you a peaceful night’s sleep.”
He chuckles to himself, but there’s a moment of sadness to it before he hides it away.
“How often do you have trouble sleeping?” I lift to my elbows and Zane sits back on his heels, putting some space between us.
“Most nights,” he rasps, clearing his throat before continuing on. “It’s been that way since…” He trails off and I wish more than anything that I knew how to comfort him. The problem is, I suffer the same fate.
It doesn’t escape me that I had the best sleep in years last night too.
“Have you spoken to anyone about it, about…” I trail off myself, stopping short of mentioning Sierra’s name. He’s opening up, and I don’t want him to shut down again.
“I have and they’ve prescribed a million things, but I don’t want to put anything in my body that doesn’t come from the team doctors, and while I’m at peak performance, they have no reason to question me.”
“But are you…playing at peak performance? Maybe the extra sleep would take you to the next level.” I grimace because I hate talking to him like I know what’s best, but I also want him to have what’s best.
Zane smiles, lifting his hand toward my cheek, and my breath hitches as a heated energy fills the room. With a pounding heart, I anticipate his affectionate touch, but before he’s made contact, his alarm goes off again, and he curses out loud.
“Fuck. Sorry.”
“That’s okay. You have to go. I know that.”
“I do, but God, I don’t want to.”
“I’ll be here when you get back,” I offer and his eyes light up.
“Thank you. Sometimes I think this is all a dream and you’re going to disappear out of my life again.
” He smiles, squeezing my arm as he gets up, as though making sure I truly exist. Turning away, I swear he mumbles something about not being able to suffer another great loss, and a weight settles on my heart.
It’s not hard to figure out what he means.
We’re both mourning so much, but I sometimes forget Zane lost a hell of a lot more than I did.
Sierra wasn’t just his sister. They were best friends, a team, and that’s not something you can easily get over.
Zane disappears through the closet, and a few seconds later the shower turns on.
While I wait for him to get ready, I lie back down, pulling the sheet tightly around me, snuggling into his side of the bed. I breathe in his scent, my mind drifting to a life that could have been, a life I’ve never let myself entertain. But with Zane in the next room, it’s closer than ever.
I will never get over what happened to Sierra, or my part in it, but I can’t help wondering… Could I truly be happy again?
I’m not sure how much time passes before I feel movement beside me and Zane kisses my head, his whispered goodbye floating into my subconscious. I smile and stretch, ready to force myself up, but the next thing I know, I’m startled awake, my nineties ringtone snapping me to attention.
“Hello?” I answer groggily. I must have fallen back to sleep.
“Blair, it’s Ron. Fitzpatrick.” I sit up, my body jumping off the bed.
“Hi, Ron.” Despite the fact that I’ve known him all my life, Ron announces his full name every time he calls. I used to find it amusing, but today, the mention of Zane’s last name makes my skin prickle. “How are you?”
“Not great. I’m guessing the news has died down in LA because you haven’t checked in for a while. Here, it’s still very present, and Fiona’s terrified they’re going to release her name. That Sierra’s going to be thrust into the headlines.”
My stomach knots but I rush to reassure him. “She was underage at the time and was never charged. Zane was never charged either. They have no reason to mention her name. If anything, we should be worried about him.”
“Zane?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want to talk about him. Do you know how long it’s been since he called us? Years, Blair. For all our sanity, it’s best if we try not to think about him. We’re lucky we’ve got each other.”
Gulping back a lump in my throat, I nod as tears coat my eyes, guilt consuming me. The Zane he describes doesn’t come close to the Zane I know, and I’m struggling to marry them both in my mind.
“Have you tried calling him?” I ask, and instantly regret not talking to Zane about this. I got caught up in the moment and let my feelings take over. But this situation is important.
“I told you; I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Then what do you want?” I raise my voice and wince. “Sorry, I just woke up. I’m not thinking clearly.”
“Sorry. I forgot you’re in Los Angeles now. It’s early there.”
My guilt thickens, eating away at me. If he’d said California then I would have been fine. I’m still in California, but I’m not in LA. I’m in San Francisco, with the son he seems to despise.
“It’s okay. How can I help?”
“I think Fiona would just love to see your face. To talk about Sierra with her friend. To have a moment of light in her otherwise gray world.”
Oh. Shit. “I’d love that,” I say through a forced grin, thankful he can’t see me. “We could do a video call?”
“You’re not coming here? It’s your dad’s birthday next week and—”
“I’m not sure yet.”
“I understand. Well, we’d love to have you over. But if not, a video call would be great.”
“I’ll let you know. Please send my love to Fiona.”
“I will.”
He hangs up and I fall back onto the pillows, groaning.
I’ve always ended these calls emotionally drained, but it usually comes with built-up anger toward Zane.
Now that I’m spending time with him, I can’t help but question if I’m seeing the full picture.
I can’t imagine this Zane abandoning his parents like that.
It was okay to believe that when I didn’t know the man he’d become, but now…
my guilt shifts from his parents to him, and an uncomfortable feeling settles in my chest. All this time, I made assumptions without getting his side of the story. It’s time I found out.
After finally dragging myself out of bed, I strip my pajamas off and step under the cosmic waterfall shower, letting the hot water run over me, washing away the tension caused by Zane’s dad. But no sooner have my muscles relaxed than a new life issue springs to mind, one I can’t put off any longer.
The job at Heartwood U.
As reluctant as I am to admit it, the job is like a dream come true.
And now that Nathan and I have split up, there’s really no reason for me to hold myself back from any opportunity that presents itself.
I came to that conclusion when my pros list heavily outweighed the cons.
And yet, I haven’t made the call. Because that one blaring con is the one thing that’s stopping me.
What if it doesn’t work out with Zane?
Ending things with Zane last time almost destroyed me. But as much as it pained me to watch him leave, it was easier to believe I could move on when he wasn’t in my face.
Heartwood and San Francisco are an hour apart. Lucy is the sister of Zane’s teammate. If things end badly between us, that constant reminder would always be there. And if I’m honest with myself, I’m worried I won’t survive it.
I stand under the jets for longer than I should, and it’s not until my skin starts to prune that I finally switch off the tap.
If Zane and I do make a go of it, and it doesn’t work out, I’d be shattered. But if it does work out, having a job that I love would be incredibly fulfilling.
Not to mention, it’s part time, so I’d get a chance to consider writing again.
My heart jolts at the thought. I haven’t allowed myself to dream like that since before the accident. Is it possible to have it all?
My mouth quirks into a smile of its own accord as a fresh ball of energy works its way into my chest.
Fucking Zane. I laugh to myself. How dare he have me believing again.
I towel off quickly and throw on my workout gear, grabbing my phone before I change my mind.
Then without wasting another second, I call Lucy, my breath caught in my throat as I wait for her to answer.