Twenty-Five
I didn’t go out clubbing with the boys to celebrate their viral success. Instead, I stayed at home and went over my first semester school schedule. I was going to have my head in the books for four years. I wasn’t sure I was smart enough for this. How was I going to cope with yet another change in my life? And juggling a job on top of that? I was scared.
I could only hope it was going to be worth it. I was going to end up with a shitload of student debt stacked to the roof, and if I didn’t get a freaking job outside of waitressing after this bachelor’s degree, I probably might strangle a few teachers.
My cell phone buzzed just then. I picked it up and swiped the screen, expecting Melanie to fill me in on updates about Carter. Apparently all he was interested in doing was drinking and being a pessimist. That was alright. I sort of liked hearing it.
My heart skipped a beat when I realized it wasn’t from her.
Carter: You weren’t serious. I know it.
I stared at the message for a little while, not knowing how I was going to respond. My chest ached just a little, and I was close to crumbling. But another look at my school paper and I knew I had to be strong.
Me: I was very serious. I want more .
Carter: You can’t be without me. This is just a phase.
Me: It’s not a phase, Carter. You either want this like I do, or you don’t.
Me: And I’ll have you know, I have been doing just *fine* without you.
Carter: You’re not fooling me, angel.
Ugh, I was tempted to throw the phone across the room. He was right. I wasn’t doing fine, but for the sake of what little dignity I had left, I had to pretend I was.
I couldn’t let the cocky bastard get to me.
Me: I think you need to realize there’s more to life than you.
With that, I turned the phone off, determined not to get distracted by him again.
*
A bang sounded out from the front door. After having dozed off on the couch, I opened my eyes and looked toward it.
I could hear the sound of keys jingling. I glanced at the time. 1:40am.
The knob turned, but it wasn’t opening. It wiggled and another bang sounded. I got up from the couch and went to the door. I knew it was Carter. Who else could it be? I looked through the peephole and sighed.
I was right, of course.
I opened the door and he immediately collapsed into me, knocking me back. We fell to the ground, him over me. My ass broke the fall, so it wasn’t so bad, but his upper body had me flat on the floor in an instant.
“Shit! Fuck!” he cursed, looking down at me with glassy eyes. “Sorry, Angel. Was leaning against the door.”
He smelled of alcohol, and he was drunk off his ass. The weight of his upper frame had me pinned harshly under him. I could hardly move.
“It’s okay,” I breathed out. “But you need to get off now.”
“No,” he protested. “I like where I am just fine.”
“You’re squashing me.”
He balanced his weight on his elbows and I sucked in a breath of air. What was his problem? He was still over top of me.
“You didn’t mean it, right?” he slurred, those plump lips demanding attention.
I stilled and eyed his mouth for a moment. “Carter…”
“You weren’t serious,” he went on, determined. “I know you weren’t. What we have is too good.”
“Please, get off.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
He sighed and rested his forehead against my own. My body naturally warmed to him, and I had to shut my eyes to try and not be taken aback by the way he made me feel every time he touched me.
“Carter…” My voice felt weak and uncertain. I was doubting myself. This is what he did. He clouded my firm belief in something and made me question everything.
“Leah…” His lips brushed against my own. Even drunk his hands were skilled, moving down my body slowly, making my breathing hitch.
“Get off me,” I told him inaudibly.
“No,” he replied, resolute. “Please, no.”
When he said the word please, how could I resist?
He pressed his lips against me again, forcing me to spread my mouth apart. I felt his tongue against mine, and I sagged further into the floor. God, it felt good.
“You want this,” he muttered. “I know you do.”
I wanted this, sure, but not under the same conditions. I shook my head slowly, trying to fight this soul sucking man from ruining my decision.
His hand went to the side of my face and his mouth moved deeper against my own. He was an addiction that was impossible to kick the second you tasted it. My mouth naturally took him in, flicking my tongue against his. Fuck, it was good. I felt his other hand gripping my thigh, moving it apart from my other leg. The second he rested his lower body against me, I gasped, feeling his length pressing into me.
“I missed you,” he went on to whisper. “Fuckin’ hell, Leah, my cock missed you too.”
My skin broke out in sweat and my need to grab hold of him to me was consuming. I was so close to letting go. To saying fuck it and taking him. But I quickly broke free of the kiss instead and pushed him off with all my strength.
He fell to the side, stunned and grunting. I speedily stood up and backed away from him. I was panting and my hair was over my face, clinging to the sweat on my cheek. I was wet and needy, and it didn’t help his taste was still on my tongue.
I wiped my mouth to fight against it.
“I’m done with this,” I told him firmly. “I’m not going to play your game anymore.”
He slowly stood up, his face hard now as his hair fell over his eyes. He gripped the kitchen counter to balance himself and looked back at me.
“This is bullshit,” he told me angrily. “I’m not the one playing games, Leah. I know you want me. Why deny yourself that?”
“I’m not going to keep repeating myself.”
“We were fine before!” he shouted suddenly. “I don’t fucking get it! I don’t understand where the fuck this is coming from!”
I crossed my arms, surprised by how quickly this had escalated. “I’m tired of getting hurt.”
“I’m not hurting you! You’ve done that to yourself! You’re pissed because I referred to you as my fucking friend? I told you right from the get-go that I wanted us to stay close, that I didn’t want to fuck us up by being more than friends!”
I balled my hands up and retorted, “We were never just friends!”
He shook his head, disagreeing, and pointed at me, leaning forward as he gritted out, “Then that’s your own mistake, Leah.”
“Then why touch me? Why kiss me?”
“Because I’m attracted to you, and you’re attracted to me. That doesn’t mean I’m going to unload my soul to you like you’re my other fucking half. That shit doesn’t exist! Stop deluding yourself with your fairy tale bullshit. Love doesn’t fucking exist the way you think it does. It’s made-up bullshit, designed to fuck people up into having these illusions that there’s more to life. There’s not. There’s nothing out there, Leah. Wake up.”
How had things gone from bad to worse in the blink of an eye? I couldn’t even stand being in the same room as him the way he was talking to me. I saw nothing but a stranger standing in front of me. It was almost like he was trying to be a dick on purpose.
Did he want me to hate him?
Is that what this was?
“I’m not chasing you,” he then said with finality. “You understand? You walk away from this and you better expect I’m done.”
This was getting out of hand.
“How can you not see?” I asked him, and it wasn’t in a nasty way. I was being sincere. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be involved. To help you and be there for you. Why can’t you just involve me? We’ve been through everything together, Carter. What will it take for you to realize we have something?”
He only stared at me, though. The passion that he’d shed only minutes ago was gone, replaced by a stone-cold wall I didn’t believe I would ever penetrate. His scars ran deeper than I ever thought they did. He alienated me so he could keep his secrets with him, and it was me who came to the realization that this was never going to work.
We were too stubborn for our own good.
“You want me to give up on you, don’t you?” I whispered to him just then. “Well then fine. I give up.”
He stiffened just barely before tearing his eyes off me. He walked past me and into his room without another word. In that exact moment, I regretted taking it so far with him. I wished I’d kept my distance from him, careful not to give myself away so heartily and readily. I would have taken it all back. Every moment together, beautiful as it was, I’d have turned the other cheek and moved on.
This kind of heartbreak wasn’t worth it.
*
He was sitting on the couch the next morning in nothing but his jeans, staring on at the television with dead eyes and a frown. I tiptoed out of my bedroom and into the kitchen, hoping he wouldn’t hear me.
I needed to steer clear of him. I couldn’t bear another confrontation.
I put the kettle on and dug out my mug from the cupboard. I made my cup of coffee and leaned my back against the counter, draining every last drop of it. Then I made another cup.
I was dead.
Physically and emotionally, I was drained, and I was hoping this disgusting coffee might help clear the fog.
“Leah.”
I went rigid at the sound of his voice. I barely turned my head to look at him approaching the kitchen. He was slow, as if he too had barely slept, and he stopped in front of the counter. He stared at me with tired eyes, and I could see the surrender in them as he rested his elbows on the counter and exhaled.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I was a dick last night. I’m sorry for shouting at you.”
I shrugged. “It’s okay.”
He looked at me for several moments, licking his lips, and I prepared myself for what he was about to say. “Look… I should have known, right? I should have known you would want more. I was foolish and selfish. I wanted a taste of you, had always wanted it, and I fucked up by taking that extra step. I didn’t realize in the process I would be leading you on, that you would want more from me than I could give you.” He sighed and ran a hand over his hair, staring idly at a spot on the wall. “Everything just seemed good the way it was. No strings attached. Stress free. The fact we were good friends and… I should’ve known it was different for you.”
I didn’t respond.
I had nothing left to offer.
Also because nothing had really changed for him along the way. He kept to the basics of what a friends-with-benefits should have been, and I was the one that failed to meet those conditions.
To be fair, it was entirely my fault. I wanted more right from the start and was willing to take him in any way.
It made this entire situation all the more tragic, and I felt almost betrayed that even after everything, he didn’t want more.
I hated him a little.
“Look, despite everything, I care about our friendship,” he continued. “I don’t want us to have a fall-out. I can’t stand to have you against me. This can be worked on. We can resume what we were before… all of this. We can still be friends, Leah. Nothing on the side. Just friends.”
With a flat voice, I asked, “Is that what you want?”
His eyes flicked to mine, and he swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
“Then why do you sound uncertain?”
“I’m not,” he denied firmly.
I took another sip of my coffee and shook my head at him. With a monotone voice, I told him, “Somehow I don’t think being friends is wise.”
“Why?”
“Everything that’s happened is too fresh, don’t you think?”
He frowned. “So what would you rather us be then, Leah?”
I shrugged. “We’ll co-exist, and I’ll do my best to tolerate you, but I’m not going to be your buddy. In fact, you’re my roommate now. Period.”
“Roommate?” he sneered in disbelief.
My spine stiffened as I shot him a look. “Did I stutter?”
Despite the seriousness, his lips perked up in a smirk. “That’s not going to last very long. You’ll crumble and need me all over again.”
I raised a brow and stared evenly at him. “The truth of the matter is, Carter, you needed me a lot more than I needed you. And that’s something you can’t deny.”
Those lips flattened immediately. His eyes darkened. “Is that right?”
“Yeah.”
He studied me for a moment, and I think he knew I was right. He knew this was too far fucked. That we could never be what we were before. We’d ruined that possibility the second we decided to take things further. But it was as though he wanted to put the blinders on. He didn’t want to acknowledge the horrible truth. He was going to retreat into his hard shell. He was going to protect himself, and in doing so, he would push me away until I was no longer dangling along the cliff of whatever this thing between us was; I would be soaring off it.
Well, he would have to do this.
I needed to fall. I needed to hurt. I needed to end this madness.
In that moment, as his walls went up, as mine crumbled and I nursed through my heartbreak, I was no longer interested in ever being friends.
Actually, I wasn’t interested in being anything at all to Carter Matheson.
“Fine,” he eventually said, retreating from the kitchen, a look of disdain on his face. He was hiding inside himself. He was letting his wicked out. He was doing as I predicted: pushing me away. “You want to reduce me to a roommate? You’ll get a roommate, Leah. Just remember, be careful what you wish for.”
And with that, he turned and walked away.