Chapter Fifteen
Cash
“I met someone,” I admitted as I stared out the window.
“I thought maybe you had.”
“It’s too fucking soon,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.
“Why is it too soon?”
I turned on the woman, throwing my hands in the air as I cried, “It’s the middle of fucking March. It’s been what, nine, ten weeks? Ryder will fucking kill me.”
“Are you worried about what Ryder will think?”
“Fuck no.” I paced the room. I was worried about what everyone would think. Which was fucking stupid because I had never cared what anyone thought before.
Didn’t care that my parents thought I was crazy. Didn’t care what the fucking shrinks thought about me and my fucking apathy. Hell, I never even cared what Steele thought of me as my president.
I did what I was fucking told and stayed the hell away from the sadistic son of a bitch.
But this was different.
What my brothers thought meant something to me.
Hell, the whole fucking town of Diamond Creek had become my family. What they all thought meant something to me.
“It’s clear Rachel didn’t want you to be lonely. She knew there was someone else out there for you. Why would you ignore her wishes?”
“Because she fucking used me. Her wishes mean jack shit right now.” I slammed myself onto the couch and it bumped against the wall. I winced thinking about what Gunner would do to me if I left a fucking mark on the wall in Haizley’s house.
“How did she use you?” Haizley asked, and for once she let her guard down. She looked confused. Like somehow what I said wasn’t possible.
Saint Fucking Rachel never used anyone in her goddamn life. She put every fucking person she met before herself.
“She knew she was fucking dying. Knew it could happen at any goddamn minute and still she got involved with me. She made me fucking love her knowing she would fucking leave me.”
Haizley took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She took three more before she finally looked at me. She shook her head. “I am going to hold your hand when I say this. Grow the fuck up.”
My head reared back as if she punched me. “Excuse me?”
“You’re right. Rachel did put everyone ahead of herself.
She was always the first one ready to lend a hand.
To make someone feel appreciated and wanted.
Like they were part of her life. I am incredibly sad that I never had the chance to get to know her better.
And the one thing she did for herself was to love you.
To give herself to you for five years. She could have holed up in her home and waited to die.
She could have isolated herself and sunk into a depression.
Instead, she chose to live. She chose to love the people around her the same way she always did.
Can you honestly sit there and tell me that your life wasn’t made better by having her on the back of your bike for the last five years? ”
I closed my eyes and dropped my head in shame.
Haizley was right.
I was a selfish bastard. I was angry at the one person who never expected anything from me but to be there. She never tried to force me to be something I wasn’t. Never expected me to change. She loved me for who I was, and I fucking let her down.
“I fucking loved her. She was my whole goddamn life for five years and she didn’t even know it.”
I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. The couch dipped beside me, and Haizley put her arm around my shoulders.
“She knew it, Cash. She knew you loved her, but she also knew that she was dying. She didn’t push for more because she didn’t want you to hurt more than you had to.”
Haizley held the letter in her hand. “This letter... this shows just how much she loved you. So much so that she wanted you to find love again. She didn’t want you to grieve her so long that it stopped you from living and being happy.”
Haizley folded the letter and handed it back to me. “Tell me about this someone you met,” she demanded as she leaned back on the couch.
“It doesn’t matter. It can’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“She’s too fucking young.”
“How old is she?”
I slipped the letter into my back pocket and leaned back. My shoulder brushed Haizley’s, and I didn’t move aside. I needed a little of her warmth to get through this shit. These sessions sometimes felt more like talking to a little sister than a therapist.
“Twenty-one.”
“That’s only thirteen years. It could be worse.” She shrugged.
I turned to look at her. “Any worse and Dec would throw me in a cell. That’s if King didn’t kill me first.”
“Twenty-one is more of an adult than most girls who get into a relationship.”
I thought about Rose. She was so fucking small, but twenty-one surprised me after I had gotten to know her just a little bit. My mom was tiny like her. Well, not quite as small. But there was something in her eyes that said she had lived more than her years allowed.
“She’s scared.”
“Of you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not sure what it is, but there is something in her eyes. Something she’s afraid of. But she acts tough. She threatened to cut my dick off while holding a knife to my balls.”
Haizley barked out a laugh and then covered her mouth with her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she mumbled.
“It’s ok. She’s a big ballbuster in a tiny little package.” I smiled thinking about when she took off down the path because I had her key. She wouldn’t let my asshole move stop her.
“I can hear the smile in your voice when you talk about her. When did you meet her?”
“Two weeks ago.” I rubbed my hands up and down my face. “Tell me what to do, Haizley.”
She looked at me and rolled her lips between her teeth. “You won’t like what I’m about to say, but I’m gonna say it anyway,” she cautioned before standing from the couch and sitting back in her chair, switching to doctor mode once more.
“You need to talk to Ryder.”
“Fuck off, Haizley.” I jumped up and headed for the door.
“Dammit, Cash!” Haizley got there first. Her hands were at her back, pushed against the door, preventing my exit.
“Sit down, Cash.”
“No. I’m fucking done.”
“Don’t make me call King. Or Gunner.”
“Haizley,” I growled.
“Sit your ass down. I am not done.”
We stood there; eyes locked on each other. Mine glaring at the doc who thought she had a right to tell me what to do. Her eyes looking at me with fake fucking innocence, like she wasn’t holding me fucking captive.
Stomping away from the door, I sat my ass in the chair. I wasn’t sitting on that fucking couch again.
Haizley rolled her eyes at me and perched on the edge of the couch cushion.
“You said it wasn’t your job to force your patients to talk,” I reminded her.
“Yea, well, you aren’t a regular patient.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means that I have a personal relationship with you outside of the doctor-patient one. I care about you, Cash. And I can’t continue to watch you ignore the things you need to do.”
“I’m not talking to that son of a bitch.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I don’t fucking want to.” I crossed my arms over my chest and looked out the window.
“You’re acting like a child.”
“What the fuck, Doc?”
“I call it like I see it.” She shrugged. “Why are you angry with Ryder?” she asked and sat back, waiting for me to answer.
The problem was, I didn’t have an answer. Not one I wanted to give her, anyway. The truth was, I fucking knew Ryder didn’t do anything wrong. He wasn’t the person I was angry with. He was just the one that was here.
“I don’t want to talk about Ryder.”
“Tough shit.”
We sat in silence. She wouldn’t let me leave until our time was up, and I refused to talk. She didn’t pick up her phone to read. Instead, she watched me. Waiting for me to fold.
She had a long fucking wait.
When the alarm on her phone went off, she sighed. Turning the phone off, she set it next to her on the couch.
“You can go,” she said. The defeat in her voice had me wanting to stay. I wanted to give her what she wanted. But I just couldn’t do it. I hated the look on her face.
Fucking disappointment.
My mom used to give me that look whenever I did something I wasn’t supposed to, and it would break my fucking heart.
Fuck you, Dr. Krenshaw. I wasn’t apathetic. I didn’t have attachment issues. It was just easier not to disappoint someone when they thought you didn’t care.
I walked outside with my head down. She was asking too much. I wasn’t ready to deal with that bullshit. I didn’t want to deal with any of it.
Hell, maybe I was apathetic.
I rode around for a bit trying to clear my head. Once I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I considered heading up the mountain trail.
Instead, there was someone I needed to talk to.
I sat on my bike, watching the entrance to the cemetery. I hadn’t been here since the funeral, and I wasn’t sure I could walk in there now.
The longer I sat there, the more I wanted to leave until someone walked through the gate into the parking lot and headed directly toward me.
“Hi, Cash.”
“Hey, Beck.”
She rubbed her belly, and I tried not to let the jealousy slip in.
“Is this the first time you’ve been back?”
I nodded, afraid if I tried to speak, I would choke on the words.
“The first cut is the deepest.” I looked up at her, and she smiled. “Ryder tried to trick me into coming back the first time. I had a panic attack. It’s a little easier each time.”
“Blade’s not dead.”
“No. But I didn’t know that at the time.” She looked over her shoulder. “Want me to come with you?”
I inhaled deeply and then shook my head. “I gotta do this myself.” Looking around, I asked her, “Where’s your prospect?”
She rolled her lips between her teeth and looked down.
“Beck.”
“I ditched him. I wanted to talk to my best friend in private.”
Pulling out my phone, I called Blade.
“Your old lady is at the cemetery with no prospect.”
“Goddammit!” he cursed. “I’m on my way.”
“That wasn’t necessary.”
“It was. You know you can’t be out here alone. Not right now.”
Beck huffed. “Not ever.”
I stayed with her until Blade arrived.
“Woman,”
“Save it. You know I’ll do it again, so don’t bother.” Blade glared at his old lady, and I couldn’t help the smile.
“Next time I’ll call your fucking father.”
“Like I’ll listen to him any more than I listen to you.”
These two always seemed to be sniping at each other. But when his eyes softened as he reached out to the baby she carried, it was clear to see how much they loved each other. The bickering was some kind of fucked-up foreplay for them.
“Thanks for calling, man.”
He grabbed my hand and slapped me on the back. Beck wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. “She’s waiting for you,” she whispered. “Don’t worry, she can’t talk back anymore.” She winked, and I laughed.
She was right. If there was one thing Rachel excelled at, it was talking back.
I waited for them both to pull out of the parking lot before walking toward the entrance. I knew right where she was, but I still walked the long way around. Not sure what I would say when I got there.