Chapter 5 Cece
Chapter five
Cece
This is the first time in years that I’ve woken up with a sense of purpose. A sense of finally doing something that will channel all of this rage that’s been festering inside me.
It’s not enough for me to be happy that I got away from abusive men.
It’s not enough to be grateful, even though I am.
I need to do something. I need to make a difference, even if it’s not in a particularly conventional way.
As soon as the thought popped into my head, I knew it was the right path for me.
No one knows. No one can know. My sister and everyone else will try to talk me out of it, but all these years later and this is the only thing that makes me feel like I’m finally healing. Finally able to move past the pain and into something else.
Revenge.
I want to—no, need to—get revenge for the women who have found themselves in similar situations to mine. Women who were brutalized over and over by violent men. I want to become the nightmare they were to the women they hurt.
Walking out of my room, I head into the kitchen and find my sister sipping coffee at the kitchen table.
She looks up with surprise written across her face. “You’re up early.”
Lucy and I haven’t talked much since we argued the other day.
We’ve settled back into the status quo of talking without really talking.
I can’t blame her. With everyone else, she’s a ballbuster and honest to the point of almost being offensive.
Basically, she’s never been one to keep her mouth shut, at least since she left the cult.
But with me, she tiptoes, except for the argument the morning after I showed up drunk at Elaine’s.
Part of me was pissed as hell. But after sitting with it for a couple days, I’m almost glad she didn’t pull any punches. I didn’t ask to be treated with kid gloves, and actually, I’d prefer not to be.
Remembering the look on Colby’s face still plays through my mind.
The way I felt when the kid I loved so much was scared of me.
I can blow off everyone else. I suppose I’ve done that to an extent with Colby these last few weeks, too.
It was so easy hanging out with him. All he wanted was a friend, someone he could go to the park with and draw pictures with.
He looked at me at Elaine’s like he didn’t trust me anymore—like he didn’t recognize me.
I think part of me was scared I’d see that expression on his face after the kidnapping.
I was the one who couldn’t protect him, after all.
But this time it was my actions that put that look on his face.
There are many reasons I called Roman last night, but remembering the way Colby’s sad eyes looked at me is at the top of that list.
“I have a few things to do today and wanted to get an early start,” I say while I pour myself a cup of coffee.
“About the other day…”
“I don’t really want to talk about it. Things haven’t been…easy. Especially after the kidnapping. I also know things have been difficult for a lot longer than that.” I sip my coffee and lean against the counter.
“If you ever want to talk about it. About everything that happened—”
“I don’t,” I say, cutting her off, and she shuts her mouth, her lips forming a thin line.
“Listen, I get that you want to help, and I get I haven’t made it easy on you lately.
But I’m handling it. The other night made me realize that I’m only hurting myself and the people I care about.
And honestly, I’m tired of being hurt. Nothing is going to change the past, but I’m moving on.
The anger isn’t getting me anywhere, so I’m letting it go.
” And giving myself a new purpose. Finding retribution for my pain by making other assholes pay for the pain they put other people through.
“Moving on…” She looks out the window. “To where exactly?” she asks, turning her gaze back to mine.
I shrug. “Not sure exactly.” Completely untrue. “But it won’t involve drinking myself to death.”
Lucy nods and exhales a long breath out her nose. “That’s…that’s good.”
I can tell she’s unsure, that she wants to ask questions, but doesn’t want to push too hard. Which is fine by me. She wouldn’t understand what I’m doing or why I need to do this, especially without asking for her help.
Actually, knowing my sister, she probably would, but she’d also try to stop me, and that isn’t going to happen.
“I just want to make sure that you know you’re safe. And that I’m here for you,” Lucy says.
I scoff. “Safe? Are any of us ever really safe?”
“Cece—”
“I have to go,” I say, cutting her off again. I don’t need Lucy to worry about my safety. If I’ve learned anything, it’s just an illusion that people try to comfort themselves with, at least in my experience.
I turn and pour the rest of my coffee into a travel mug. “I’ll see you later,” I say, then grab my purse and walk out the door.
As I’m driving to Ayre to meet Roman, I pass the park and spot Maizie and Wyatt sitting on one of the benches.
I stop at the stop sign and catch Colby running around with a couple of other kids whose parents are sitting on a bench a few spots over.
These are his usual park friends that he’s spent many afternoons playing with at the playground while Cash and I sat on a bench like Maizie and Wyatt are.
Well, maybe not exactly the same. Cash never had his arm around me while I cuddled into his side like they are now.
God, I miss him. Colby, not Cash. Actually, that’s not entirely true, but that’s a problem for another day.
Colby never failed to bring a smile to my face when I watched him for Maizie, and it breaks my heart that he thinks he did something wrong and that’s why I never babysit him anymore.
I make a split-second decision, and instead of driving away, I pull into the small parking lot and get out of my car.
“Hey,” I say as I walk up to Maizie and Wyatt.
“Hey, Cece,” Wyatt says with a smile on his face.
Maizie greets me also, but her smile is tighter than her man’s.
Colby sees me and runs over, throwing his arms around my waist.
“Cece! I missed you,” he exclaims, smiling up at me with one of his front teeth missing.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and squeeze him into my middle. “Hey, buddy. I’ve missed you too. I see you lost a tooth.”
He opens his mouth wider to show me. “Yup. It was real loose, and Wyatt said we should tie a string around it and shoot it out of my mouth with one of my pretend guns. Mom, show her the video.” He grabs my hand and pulls me to the other side of Maizie.
His mom grabs her phone and cues up the video with Colby practically vibrating next to me with excitement.
I hear Maizie’s voice on the video saying, “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this.” There’s a smile in her voice that brings one to my face.
“It’s going to be awesome, Maiz,” Wyatt says, smiling into the camera. “Ready, Colby?”
I watch his little head nod as he holds the toy gun, his mouth wide with a string hanging from the tooth attached to the foam bullet.
“One, two, three.” Wyatt counts down, but Colby doesn’t move.
“I was a little scared,” Colby says, sitting next to me, his whole body nearly draped across my lap as we watch the video together.
“You don’t have to do it, buddy,” I hear Maizie say behind the phone.
In the video, Colby looks at her, then to Wyatt, takes a deep breath and nods. “I’m ready,” he says, trying not to move his mouth and dislodge the string around the tooth.
“Okay, I’ll count down again. Let her rip on three, okay?” Wyatt asks and Colby nods.
“One, two, three.”
This time, Colby squeezes the trigger, and the tooth flies out of his mouth. The three of them cheer, and Colby runs to find the tooth on the ground before holding it up triumphantly.
“See. I was brave the second time. And it didn’t even hurt,” Colby says, looking up at me.
“You are so brave, buddy,” I say, looking down into his smiling eyes. “Did the tooth fairy come?”
Colby jumps up from his seat next to me. “Yup. I got ten whole dollars.” He pulls the bill out of his pocket and displays it proudly.
I look at Maizie, who has a wide smile on her face. “The tooth fairy never left me ten dollars.” She shoots Wyatt a knowing grin.
He shrugs and shoots her a wink. “Inflation, baby.”
I chuckle as Colby shoves the money back in his pocket.
“Okay, monkey. Why don’t you go play with your friends some more before I have to go get ready for work,” Maizie says.
Colby nods then turns to me. “Will you come to the park again and play with me?”
Damn if that isn’t a gut punch.
I smile at him, even though his unsure expression makes me want to break down in tears.
“Of course, I will,” I say around the lump in my throat. “I think I need another big hug before you go play, though.”
Colby grins and practically throws himself at me, his little arms going around my neck and squeezing tightly.
“You give the best hugs,” I tell him.
“I know. Mommy says the same thing,” he tells me before pulling away. “See you later, Cece.”
Colby runs back to the slide and climbs up the ladder, patiently waiting for his turn.
“He’s really missed you,” Maizie says. “You know, he blamed you not coming around on himself. He was worried he didn’t protect you, and you were mad at him.”
I lower my head, the lump from earlier feeling as though it’s doubled in size. When I look back at Maizie, there are tears in my eyes as she holds my gaze. Her eyes soften, seeing how torn up I am about hurting her son.
“Lucy told me that. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I disappointed him or made him feel like me disappearing for a while was ever his fault.
There was so much going on in my head after the kidnapping.
So many memories and thoughts taking up all the space in my brain,” I tell her as one tear tracks down my cheek. “It was never because of him.”