Chapter 22
ETHAN
THREE DAYS LATER
Halfway through NCAC week and things are getting intense.
Not only because the competitions are underway and we’re busier than ever, but because I can’t go one day without Jett.
I’ve met hundreds of students, taken so many selfies that I’m seeing spots, and have been flirted with more times than I can count.
If this was me a month ago, I’d be fucking a different student every night.
Probably more than one. But now, well, no one holds my attention.
No one except Jett.
It’s all I can do to keep my hands off him in public, and I’m this close to saying fuck it, who cares if the students see us?
At some point, I’m going to formally come out to my entire hockey team, to all my frat brothers, to everyone.
Why not here, now? I’ve seen plenty of queer couples this week and not only those in my inner circle.
Couples. Right. But Jett and I aren’t that. We’re fuck friends. That’s all.
Keeping this, whatever it is, on the DL is smarter for both of us because it’ll be less awkward when it ends.
And it will end. That’s inevitable. I think.
Even if the very idea that he’ll move on and have sex with other guys makes me sick to my stomach and kind of panicky.
I’m so nervous it takes me three tries to tie my skates.
“Why are you so quiet lately?” Silas asks as he sits down beside me. “It’s not like you. What’s up?”
We’re in our locker room, getting ready for a game. If we win today, we move on to the semi-final tomorrow. I should be pumped up, but I’m too much in my head. And I haven’t done any partying lately, because I’m either helping corral students or running from my game to watch Jett’s races.
Like yesterday, when the Crew had a match against U Cal, Seattle, and Washington College.
Sutton came in second. It was a tight race, and they only lost by fractions of a second.
Losing by such a short margin made the loss that much harder, though, and Jett was upset.
I’d have felt in the same in his shoes. All I could do was comfort him in the only way I was able, and yes, that meant he slept overnight again at mine.
My sheets, my pillow, hell, even my towels, my clothes, all smell like him now.
He’s taken to stealing my T-shirts to wear, and I more than like it, even if it scares me at the same time.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind,” I mutter. “It’s been a hectic week so far.”
“Students seem to be having fun. I’ve heard nothing but positive stuff.”
“Yeah, so far, so good.”
I run an agitated hand over my head. My hair is still too short, but I’m not sure if I actually have the patience to grow it out again.
Jett seems to like it no matter what. Fuck, I shiver when I think about him.
Every time we kiss or touch, hell, every time he looks at me, it’s like lightning racing through my veins…
“So, you’re tired. Is that all?” Silas whispers. “Does this have something to do with you and Jett?”
“Me and Jett?”
“You’ve been spending all your time with him, and not partying or flirting with anyone else. You’re also not shooting your mouth off every second of the day, which, no complaints, but man, it’s fucking weird.”
I offer up a rude gesture in response. Silas chuckles and nudges me.
“Everyone on the team’s noticed the change in you,” he adds. “It’s not a bad thing, just different.”
I shrug and stare at my skates.
“We’re friends,” I admit even though the word doesn’t sum up how I’m feeling about Jett. “Friends who fool around. And we’re working together this week, so we’re always in each other’s pockets, but that’s temporary. Everything’s as it always is. I’m having a good time.”
“I don’t look at my friends that way,” Silas admits.
My head snaps up.
“Didn’t you have fuck friends before Damien?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t spend all my time with them.
The total opposite. It was simply an itch to scratch.
I didn’t hang out with them because I didn’t want to give the impression it meant more.
But with you and Jett, well, you’re always together and you’re always up in his space.
You never stop staring at him, and if anyone so much as tries to flirt with him, you look like you’re going to lose your cool. ”
“Renner treated him like shit. Is it wrong for me to be protective?”
“Not at all. I’m saying that it’s obvious there’s more going on with you and Jett than fucking.”
Oh God, I am not ready for this conversation.
“We agreed to keep it casual. Nothing else. Sooner or later, it’ll burn itself out.”
I’m clinging to that line. I don’t have a choice. It’s all I’ve known.
“I don’t know how to handle a boyfriend or any kind of relationship,” I add. “Come on, Si? Me? I’m not cut out for that.”
“Don’t sell yourself short.”
“I’m not. I’m a realist. It always ends in arguments and people hating each other. I’m not into that kind of drama. I like life easy, no stress.”
“If you wanted easy, you wouldn’t play hockey.”
“You know what I’m saying.”
“I don’t get it. I mean, you told me about your parents, so I understand a bit. But not every relationship is horrible. Look at me and Damien. Dane and Jackson. Jace and Axel. Kayden and Maddox—”
I hold my hand up.
“I get it. And if I really wanted that, I’d go for it. But I don’t.”
Liar. You are such a fucking liar.
“I’m good with the way things are. And this way, no one gets hurts. When Jett and I are… done, we go back to being friends.”
“You’re already more than that. I think you want it, but you’re scared.”
“And I think this conversation is over,” I snap.
“Don’t miss out on something that could be amazing. I almost did that with Damien. I know it’s scary, and it’s a risk, but sometimes you have to go for it. If you get hurt, you get hurt. Better that than playing it safe.”
“Speaking of which, are we gonna play hockey today or sit around and talk about our feelings?” I snark, standing up and reaching for my stick.
“Fight as hard as you want, but you have to face it at some point.”
“Face what? I’m a fuckboy, remember? I don’t catch feelings.”
Silas shakes his head and stands up.
“Behind your silly antics and frat boy humor, you’re like the rest of us. It’s okay to want more than a hookup. It doesn’t have to mean everything, but it could mean something.”
I have nothing to say to that, so I stand there as Silas walks away.
Part of me knows Silas is right. But the bigger part is scared shitless.
I don’t know if I can take that kind of risk.
It’s bad enough that Jett’s in my thoughts all day and in my bed all night.
That I’ve told him things I don’t talk about with anyone else.
That I’m anchored to him in a way I’ve never been with anyone I’ve slept with.
What if I give voice to how he makes me feel, and he doesn’t feel the same?
Or, if he does and we go for it, what if I screw up?
I don’t want to do that to him—fuck everything up.
He deserves better. He deserves everything.
“You coming, Ethan?”
I startle at Dane’s voice and notice that my friend is standing beside me, giving me a concerned look.
“Yeah, sorry, I was lost in thought.”
Dane motions for me to get moving and we head for the exit.
“Looked like an intense convo with Si. Is this about Jett?”
I sigh.
“Not you too.”
We stalk out of the locker room and head down the chute to join our teammates. The noise of the crowd tells me the rink is wall-to-wall students. There’s nothing like the thrill of playing for a packed crowd.
“I think you and Jett make a great couple. You’re both intense, passionate, and determined when you want something.”
I cough and nudge my captain.
“Enough already. We’re not that.”
“Everyone can see it but you.”
“Why is my sex life the topic of team conversation?”
“Since when isn’t it?” Dane replies with one raised eyebrow. “You love to brag.”
“This is different,” I insist. “This is Jett.”
Dane slowly smiles at me.
“Oh, shut up.”
Jett
Hudson, Archie, and I managed to snag early seats for the hockey game, smack dab in the middle, at center ice.
We have a great view, and while it’s not right behind the glass, we can see everything.
I don’t want to get too close, because watching players get crushed into the boards makes me nervous.
Especially when one of the guys who might get crushed is the one I’m crushing on.
“Can you believe this crowd?” Archie says to me. “There’s not an empty seat in the house.”
Football’s been the most popular sport this week, followed by basketball, hockey, soccer, lacrosse, and rowing.
I know we’re not the most visible sport, but we’ve had more than enough spectators at our rowing races, and so far we’ve won one and lost one.
Today is break day and then it’s races Thursday and Friday, with the final round on Sunday.
It’s kind of like the college version of the Olympics.
The same thing with hockey. If the Cougars win today, they move on to the next round.
“There he is.” Hudson nudges me. “Your favorite player, number sixteen.”
The players take to the ice for their warmup, and even if Ethan wasn’t wearing a named jersey, I’d spot his smile a mile off.
He and Dane are skating together, and when they pass by, I call out their names and offer a wave.
They look up and wave back, and Ethan’s glance lingers on me.
I feel my face heat, and my heart beats triple time.
I tell myself it’s anticipation, spectator nerves.
I’m denying my feelings for Ethan, so why not go all the way?
“Your boyfriend’s looking extra intense today,” Hudson whispers in my ear.
“He’s not my—” I pause and look around. “Don’t even start.”
“You’re so gone for him, Jett. I can tell.”
“Well, don’t tell Ethan,” I reply. “I’m serious. Don’t. He’d freak out.”
“Why? It looks like he feels the same. He’s possessive as hell when it comes to you. In a good way.”