5. caleb
5
caleb
"Dude, come onnnn. You can't be serious. It's Rascals! We've been wanting to play there for years!" Tony pouts, crossing his arms like a child denied dessert.
I roll my eyes and sink deeper into the couch cushions. "You think I want to go to this stupid work thing? If I miss it, my dad will literally cut me off."
Tony huffs, launching his sweatshirt across the living room. “Your dad threatens to cut you off every other fucking day. It's not healthy, dude. You have to stand on your own two feet at some point. Start living your own life.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, my skull still throbbing from last night’s bad decisions. “Ton, I don’t need this right now. I’ve got a killer fucking headache.”
Tony drops onto the couch beside me with a loud exhale. “I don’t feel bad for you. You did this to yourself. No one told you to make out with Jessi—”
“Jamie,” I correct him with a groan. “And it wasn’t even worth it. I couldn’t have been more bored.”
“That’s why your room was suspiciously quiet last night,” Tony mutters.
“Quit pressing your ears to my wall, you freak.” I smack him in the stomach, not nearly as hard as he makes it seem.
“I hate you,” he grumbles, curling into himself. But the corners of his mouth twitch into a grin.
He settles back into the couch, propping his feet on our ottoman. “Why does your dad hate you so much?”
I stare at the ceiling like it holds all the answers I don’t have. “He doesn’t hate me. He just wants me to be... him .”
This is yet another gig I’ll miss because my father scheduled a “mandatory” meeting at 7 PM. Because apparently “mandatory” is code for “you belong to me.” Half the time, these meetings are nothing more than ego parades over zoom calls. It’s honestly time sucking and I loathe them more than anything.
I thought graduating college would loosen the leash. I was wrong.
"He pays for this whole place, Tony. What am I supposed to do? New York is expensive."
Tony gives me a look, the kind that makes you feel like you’re standing in front of a mirror you don’t want to look into. “You’re lucky, sure. But at what cost, man?”
I don’t answer. Because deep down, I already know the cost. And it’s steep.
My phone buzzes beside me.
SarBear: You’re an idiot.
I smile despite myself. Looks like she finally got my drunk snap I took for her last night.
“That Sarah?” Tony cranes his neck to peek at my phone.
I tilt it away. “Mind the business that pays you,” I mutter, kicking him gently.
“I don’t know why she puts up with you. You suck.”
I shrug. He’s not wrong. Sarah and I have been tangled up in each other’s lives since high school. Sometimes we’re lovers, sometimes we’re exes who talk too much, all I know is we’re constantly in each others lives some way.
“Maybe she found out about Jamie last night.” Tony snickers.
I throw another pillow at his head that he dodges. “She wouldn’t care.”
Our relationship status is currently…off? Undefined.
It started with me trying to pull her away from Nathaniel. That’s the part I don’t like to think about. But once I saw who she was underneath the popularity and cheerleader outfit, I realized she was actually pretty sharp, witty, and the kind of funny that sneaks up on you. So yeah, we just clicked . And stuck.
But we’re both addicts in our own way. She craves attention while I run from commitment. The sort of duo that never really settles into anything. But, it works for us so who am I to complain?
My phone buzzes again.
SarBear: I’m in the city tonight. Let’s grab dinner. I need to talk to you.
Shit. Maybe I was wrong.
“Sarah’s in town. You good for dinner tonight?” I call to Tony, who’s already halfway into the fridge.
“As long as you bring back food,” he says, pulling out a container of rice and turkey like it’s gold.
I shoot Sarah a reply.
Me: Meet you at Gusto at 6.
***
I live for New York in the spring.
Something about the people busy in the streets. The sidewalks blooming with energy. The scent of blooming dogwoods and food carts, and I finally remember why I love this place.
I throw on my go-to black button-down and beige pants. My hair’s slightly disheveled, the strands falling over my eyes the way Sarah likes so I leave it.
Gusto is dim and cozy, humming with the low buzz of after-work chatter. She’s already there, center of the room in a yellow sundress that makes her skin glow. Her hair is pinned back in a sleek ponytail that falls over her shoulder, gold hoops dangling from her ears glistening in the light.
She looks like an absolute star.
“Hey, babe,” she says, soft and distant. Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.
I pull her into a hug, holding on a second longer than usual. It’s been weeks. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until now.
“So? How’s it been going?” I kiss the top of her head, fingers brushing the back of her neck.
She eases out of my hold and slides into her chair. Her coldness is giving me the heebie-jeebies. Her body language is sending me all the wrong signals. She’s never this quiet.
"What’s wrong?" I ask, settling into the seat across from her.
Sarah fidgets with her fork. “Caleb…”
Her voice is shaky, making my stomach tighten.
“What is it?” I ask.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about us. And… what are we even doing?”
I blink. “Uh… we’re two people who love each other and—”
“No.” She cuts me off. “We’re two people who don’t know what the hell we’re doing.”
The words hang in the air. Where did this come from? Dammit…maybe she did find out about my night last night.
"Is this about the girl I hooked up with last night?" I cringe.
Sarah sits back in her chair and blows out a long breath. "No, Caleb. It's not about that. It's about how much I don't care when I should."
I give her a half-smile. “Who cares when it’s fun, right?”
She doesn’t smile back. She takes a deep breath. Her eyes are steady, but I can see the fear in them. “I want to break up.”
Water slips down my throat the wrong way. I cough violently, grabbing my glass like it’ll save me from drowning.
"What?" I manage between coughs.
A waitress appears, takes one look at our faces, and wisely backs away. “I’ll give you a few minutes.”
“Where’s this coming from?” I ask once I can speak again.
Sarah looks everywhere but at me. “Caleb, I—I want more. We’ve been circling the drain for years. That can’t be normal.”
She’s waiting for me to agree. To finally admit that the chaos we called love wasn’t working anymore. But…I’m not sure if I want to admit that.
“Is it because you want someone else?”
“No,” she says, eyes shimmering. “I want something else. Something I can count on.”
I swallow. “You can always count on me. You know that.”
“I know. In your own way, you mean that. But I’m talking about something different. A different kind of commitment. And I’m not going to ask you to change. I've just realized that... I need a change.”
She reaches for my hand and rubs her thumb across the back.
The gesture is tender. Final.
I don’t know what to say. I sit there, stunned. I want to fight for her, to ask her to stay. But the words don’t come.
“Say we’ll still be friends,” she whispers. “Because you’re one of my best friends, Caleb. You always will be.”
I nod, barely. My chest is a tight, aching knot.
This isn’t like our usual breaks. This isn’t temporary. This is Sarah Lockwood walking out of my future.
And all I can do is sit here and watch.
In a random streak of events, my mind returns to the one memory I constantly find myself trying to forget.
I wonder if this is how Nathaniel felt when I stole her from him years ago.
I wonder if it hurt just like this.