26. nathan
26
nathan
I bite my thumbnail between my teeth as we ride in the back of the Uber. The air is thick, and I can’t shake the obvious feeling that something feels... off.
Since we left the hotel, Caleb has barely looked at me. He just sat there, staring out the window like it’s suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. Not the fact that we’re both on our way to ambush the same girl.
Is this really it? Everything that happened between us this weekend, just... over? My stomach twists at the thought. I pushed us to go and see Sarah because I thought we both needed it to fully understand what was going on... but maybe that offended him? Maybe I was wrong...
I rub my palms against the thighs of my pants. Suddenly, it’s too hot in this car. Rolling down my window, I let the cold air rush by me to try and calm down.
For some reason, all I can think about is prom night. Flashes of that night pass through my mind like the cars driving past us. The memory of it is all so warped now. All these years, I’ve been so angry at him and now I’m struggling to think if all that resentment was worth it. Granted, it was a really shitty thing for him to do. But... a part of me wishes I never found them that night. Maybe a part of me wishes I never dated Sarah at all. Where would Caleb and I be then?
As though he could hear my thoughts, his firm hand reaches out, lacing his fingers through mine, grounding me almost instantly.
My eyes flick open. I didn’t even realize I had closed them. Turning to him, we lock eyes. Comfortable silence passes between us.
Caleb sits back in his seat and closes his eyes. No words—just understanding.
It’s not long after that the car turns down a windy road. Driving up to the top of the hill, the car slows down once we get to the courtyard filled with other cars dropping guests off. Fancy dressed ushers greet guests coming in at the door. My eyes are fixated on the big fountain in the middle of the courtyard. Whoever’s reception this is, it’s clear that they’re rich rich.
“Oh damn.” I gasp, looking at the grand building. “Are you sure we can sneak into this thing?”
Caleb examines the scenery and lets out a small grunt. “Huh, well it’s worth a try.”
We both hold in a laugh as we awkwardly exit the car and make our way up the steps of the building.
Music thumps in the background the closer we get. Our shoulders constantly graze each other as though we’re bundling a secret only we know. It feels electric.
But I can’t deny the nerves creeping up my spine the more I think about what we’re about to do. It brings up flashes of this weekend and even memories farther back.
“Do you remember that one night we spent all night listening to your Gorillaz album?” I ask.
Caleb throws his head back and laughs, the sound waking me up and pulsing energy through me again. “Um, absolutely? We stayed up all night eating Oreos and drinking that Code Red Mountain Dew you love. Damn, we gotta play Clint Eastwood soon and just blast it. Miss those days.”
“Deal.” I sigh. That honestly sounds perfect. Things were so simple then.
The wedding is packed with so many people that it’s easy to blend in. Thank God we stopped for suits. There’s no way anyone would think we don’t belong here.
“Oh, yum!” Caleb gasps, snatching some sort of appetizer off of a servers platter as they passed by.
I shake my head and roll my eyes.
“What?” Caleb shrugs, swallowing it down.
“We’re supposed to be looking for Sarah.”
“And what, that means no snacks?” He smirks. “I’m starving.”
“Yeah I guess we were pretty busy. Really worked up the appetite.” I wink. Woah, where’d that come from? It’s too late. It’s already out in the air. I officially flirted out loud.
Caleb stops in his tracks, mouth open, clearly shocked by my flirtation too.
“Bringing that up here? Damn, Philips . You shock me more and more every day.” He shakes his head as he licks his thumb clean.
My eyes zone in on the way his lips curl around his thumb as he sucks it slowly. I swallow deeply. Damn.
Might as well keep the flirting going. As the booming from the DJ’s sound system thumps through me, all I could think about was the last time we were on a dancefloor together…and what it quickly led to. I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing.
“You know what being here reminds me of?” I ask, stepping backwards on to the dance floor. I don’t care if anyone can see us right now. All I can see is Caleb. In a sea of fishes, he’s a shark. A beautiful, one of a kind shark. So damn beautiful. The way he looks at me, his eyes scanning me from head to toe, makes me feel like nothing else matters. Can’t believe all of his attention is on me. I just want to keep it like that for as long as possible.
“I think I do,” he says stalking after me.
“Should we reenact?” I coax my eyebrow as he steps closer.
His lips quirk up at the side revealing that dashing smile that makes my heart stop. “We should.”
I mean, we can still turn back. There’s still time.
I take another step backwards before I bump straight into someone. Jerking back, I swing around and catch the person I was most likely about to smoosh.
Holding on to their arms, my stomach drops as soon as I realized who it is.
“Nathan?” her small voice asks.
My mouth drops open. There she is.
Sarah Lockwood.
***
“What the…what are you two doing here?” Sarah grabs us both by the wrists and guides us over to a nearby empty table. “I mean, don’t you two hate each other?” she asks, sitting down. I sit next to her while Caleb remains standing.
I can’t believe this is actually happening. We finally found her. Or, I guess, she found us this time. My hands are shaking, and my heart feels like it’s beating outside my chest. All this time to prepare, and yet I have no clue what to say.
“Uh… I guess it’s actually kind of a funny story,” Caleb says, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.
“I’m listening,” she says, narrowing her eyes at him. I catch a playful smile behind her lips. The flirt that she is—it’s like she can’t even help it. She throws one leg over the other, revealing a sexy slit in her long baby-blue dress. Any guy with eyes would be googly-eyed over her right now.
But yet, my eyes travel to Caleb’s—and I’m pleasantly surprised to find he’s looking at me too.
Suddenly, I feel weird that we’re even here at all. But I remind myself that we came for a reason.
For answers.
“I know this is weird but… we actually came to see you. Separately, but—”
“—Ended up finding each other,” Caleb finishes, “and decided to come see you together.”
I lick my lips and swallow harshly as I look at his face. We came looking for her…but ended up finding so much more.
“So… you two did all of this for me?” Her smile stretches fully across her face. “I can’t believe it.” She gasps into a giggle. She covers her mouth with her delicate fingers as though she’s embarrassed by how giddy this makes her. “I mean, I can believe you doing it, Caleb, but… Nathan—” She holds onto my arm, looking at me softly. “After the way we left things in New York, I wouldn’t have thought you’d do something like this.”
I look down at my hands. “Yeah… I’m not proud of how I reacted. I had some things I needed to figure out…”
My eyes drift up to the man standing beside us. He shifts awkwardly on his feet. I can tell he’s uncomfortable. Every part of me wants to walk over to him and calm him down. But would that be weird? Does he want her to know? What would I even tell her? Dammit, this is so complicated.
“Honestly, I’m glad you said that, because I did too.” Sarah quickly places her hand over mine. “I’ve wanted to talk to you since I got here. I’ve been thinking so much about you… about us …”
My brows furrow. What?
Sarah exhales, shifting in her seat. “Wait.” She turns in her chair to look up at Caleb. “Sorry, this is kind of awkward—Do you think I could talk to Nathan alone?”
My eyes widen. What the hell is going on?
I glance at Caleb, whose gaze jumps between Sarah and me. “Oh—uh, yeah. I’ve gotta run anyway.”
My mouth parts, full of all the things I want to say, but nothing comes out.
“Caleb, wait—”
“Bye, Nate,” he says with a nod, then turns and walks toward the door.
No. No, fuck… this isn’t right. And who the fuck is he calling ‘Nate’?
“I’m sorry. That was so awkward,” Sarah says. “I love him so much, honestly I do, but there’s no way I could confess all of this in front of him.” She picks up a champagne glass from the table and downs a hefty gulp before setting it back down.
“Sarah, what’s going on?”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, Nathan.” She starts. I try to ignore the way my stomach twists at how she says my name.
“That talk we had back in New York… I’m scared I acted without thinking.” She pulls my hand into her lap and gives it a squeeze. Her hand feels so small in mine… so soft and gentle. Nothing like the tattooed, firm grasp I’ve grown used to this past weekend.
Fuck. This isn’t right.
“You’re literally the perfect guy. You’re handsome, smart, driven—and you’ve always been there for me. You’ve been my best friend and I’m done taking you for granted,” she says with a soft smile.
Time freezes.
Is she serious? The one realization I’ve been waiting years for her to have. She’s finally saying what I’ve always prayed for her to say and yet…I feel… nothing.
Nada. Zilch.
All my brain can focus on is the guy who just walked out that door. I wonder if he got very far…
“Nathan? Are you still with me?” Sarah giggles, wiggling my hand.
I blink myself back into the moment. “W-what about Caleb?”
Sarah sighs. “Caleb is… Caleb. He’s fun and exciting but… not a real option. I want something real. Something secure. And I know you’ve always wanted that from me. I’m ready.”
Something doesn’t make sense.
“Why me?” I finally ask.
“I feel safe with you. You’re level-headed and certain. I know what’s going to happen with you, and I’m ready for that type of partner in my life. I’m ready to be serious,” she says with a nod.
I squint at her. She’s… wrong.
With Caleb, I don’t feel “safe” or “predictable” —I feel alive . He pulls out a side of me I never knew existed. I’m not the guy who settles, I’m the guy who does things because he wants to and doesn’t care about the consequences. I can do anything, be anything with him. The backup plan is all I’ve ever been to Sarah.
And Caleb…he's not just "fun" or "exciting"— he's so much more than that. He's strong-minded, thoughtful and cares so deeply for the people he loves. He'd do about anything to make sure they're okay. If she can't see that…then…maybe she wasn't the right girl for either of us.
Sarah’s eyes flicker all over my face, reading my hesitation.
“What’s going on with you?” she asks, pulling back. “You came all the way here for me, didn’t you?”
“Well… yeah, but—”
“But what? You chased me, and you caught me, silly.” She smiles, nudging my shoulder. “Now what the hell are you going to do with me?”
I look down at our clasped hands. “Sarah… you know you’ll always have me in your life… even if we’re not together, right?”
Her brows pinch. “But… that day at the café, you told me you couldn’t do this anymore.”
I shake my head. “That wasn’t fair of me to say. Truthfully, I didn’t know what I wanted. You were right—you’re all I’ve ever known. I didn’t know who I was without you. But these past few days… I’ve realized that’s not true.”
“I don’t understand. Are you saying… you don’t want to be with me?” Her lips quiver slightly, and my heart sinks. I don’t want to hurt her, but…
Is that what I’m saying?
Memories from the past few days flicker through my mind. It’s been short, sure, but I’ve learned more about myself this weekend than I ever thought possible.
Caleb showed me how fun it is to be free. To be myself. To feel loved.
I want Caleb. I want him so badly, it hurts. I can’t lose him again.
I nod, tears stinging my eyes. “Yeah, Sarah. I’m saying I don’t want to be with you. Not like that.”
Sarah’s eyebrows raise as she sucks in a deep breath and exhales hard. “Whoa. I did not see that coming.” She shakes her head. “You know, when a guy chases you across borders, you kind of assume he’s into you.”
I let out a soft laugh.
“I’m sorry. I think I was chasing after something… but I don’t think it was you.”
“Ouch,” she says with a joking wince.
“I’m sorry.” I bow my head. Hurting her is seriously the last thing I want to do. But, I have no clue how else to go about this if it’s not telling her the truth.
Sarah’s shoulders drop as she looks at me. Then she throws an arm around my back, resting her cheek on my shoulder. “Well…if all of this led to you finding something important out about yourself, then I’m really glad you came.”
My brows raise. “Really?”
“Of course. You’re my best friend. If you’re happy, I’m happy. I’ll always want the best for you.” She squeezes me tightly.
I suck in a breath and throw my arm around her shoulders, pulling her into a big hug. I kiss her hard on the temple. “I needed to hear that. You have no idea,” I say, eyes closed. I hadn’t realized how much I needed it.
“So… who’s the lucky girl?” She asks, her little fingers brushing under my collar. Oh shit— hickeys!
“Shit! Sarah, I don’t think you want to hear about that—” I say, my cheeks already heating up.
“Oh, come on,” she laughs, slapping my chest. “I just said I was happy for you. You can tell me.”
Well… damn. This is the first time I’m saying it out loud. Am I ready?
Once I say it, it’s real.
I swallow hard.
“Nathan, it’s fine. I don’t care—”
“It’s a guy. It’s… it’s a man.” I stutter.
Sarah’s eyes widen. She quickly sits up, pulling herself from under my arm. I swear, I stop breathing as she looks at me, absorbing this new truth.
“Hoooly shit… you’re…”
“Gay.” I take in a big breath of air. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure I am.” I nod.
Woah, that felt good to say out loud. Even if I’ve never admitted it myself, it feels like a huge load just released off my shoulders. Something I’ve been battling since forever now feels…settled. Just saying it feels like I just came up for a breath of air. Reminds me of when I first saw Caleb…
I swear I see every emotion flash across her face: excitement, curiosity, joy, confusion—it’s all there.
“I’m really happy for you,” she finally says, throwing her arms around my shoulders.
I bury my face in her neck, melting into her embrace. “Really?”
She pulls back, hands on my shoulders. “Yeah! I mean… I wanted you to go experience life and figure yourself out. And look at that. A few weeks, and you did just that. I couldn’t be more proud of you.” She pulls me into another hug.
I try not to squeeze the life out of her—but it’s hard. She’s saying all the right things. I feel like I can finally breathe.
Well… almost. There’s still one guy who holds the rest of my breath.
“So, what are you still doing here?” she asks, brushing her hair out of her face.
“What?” I chuckle, helping fix the strands she missed.
She winks, nodding toward the same door Caleb walked out of.
I take a sharp breath and turn to her. She guessed right.
“You know… I really do love you,” I say, squeezing her hand one last time.
“I know,” she smiles. “Now go catch your man.”