30. nathan
30
nathan
“It should be right up here. I hear music,” I say, stepping up the staircase that leads to the rooftop.
Theo is right behind me, keeping in step.
“Dude, you look great. If Caleb’s here, he’s gonna love what you’re wearing. And those glasses were a nice touch,” Theo says.
“The more you talk, the more I question if you’re actually straight. Are you hitting on me?”
“Dude can’t compliment another dude without it being a thing? Grow up,” Theo laughs.
I laugh with him. He’s right, though…as much as I hate to admit it, I specifically picked out this outfit in hopes that a certain someone might show up tonight.
I’m wearing a white T-shirt under a ribbed, navy, long-sleeve button-up—left open, of course—and a pair of black jeans. I know Caleb would like something like this. It’s so similar to what I wore the night at Sweeties club. My mind flutters back to that damn bathroom stall.
I’m glad Theo is here. He keeps my mind from spiraling. I’ve been trying to push Caleb out of my thoughts, but that’s hard to do when everything reminds me of him.
Then I hear it. As we step through the door to the rooftop patio, we walk into a crowd. It’s packed.
But all I can focus on are the lyrics floating through the air—and more importantly, the voice singing them.
“Holy shit. They’re good,” Theo shouts over the music.
“That’s him.” I say, eyes locked on the stage. I can’t look away. He looks incredible. His long black hair falls in his face, his chest bare and glistening with sweat under his open black shirt, swaying in the breeze. He runs a hand through his hair, flipping his locks to one side as he tilts his head, swaying to the music while his fingers pluck at the strings of his guitar. I nearly crumble right then and there.
I step to the side for a better view, and Theo follows.
“Holy shit. You didn’t tell me he looks like that. ”
“I guess I left that part out,” I mutter, stuffing my hands in my pockets. Suddenly, I’m wildly nervous. Caleb looks like a nineties heartthrob, and here I am. Why did he ever like me? He could have anyone he wanted. No wonder he hasn’t called me back.
“Hey. Get out of your head,” Theo says, gripping my shoulder. I glance at him, trying to ground myself in the present.
“Sorry,” I grimace.
“He’s lucky he got a chance with you,” Theo says, pointing at me. He’s standing close— really close—and I laugh, grabbing his arm instinctively. Ever since I came out, I’ve realized ‘straight’ Theo is surprisingly touchy.
I glance back at the stage and breathe in. Caleb’s gaze is locked on us. He grips the mic, and I instinctively shift away from Theo, sliding his hand off my shoulder.
“What?” Theo asks, following my stare. “Oh.” He grins, standing taller. “I think I’m making your boyfriend a little jealous,” he teases in my ear.
“Jesus, Theo. Stop,” I mutter, turning away, looking for anything else to focus on.
“I’m gonna find us some drinks. Don’t get yourself into too much trouble,” he says, patting me on the back.
I nod and walk over to a nearby ledge, staring out at the city skyline. Caleb’s voice wraps around me, and I close my eyes, letting the lyrics wash over me.
Now you’re in my life and I can’t get you off my mind...
I can’t help but open my eyes and look back at him. Did he pick this song for me? I’d hate to assume—but the lyrics hit a little too close.
The song ends, and the crowd roars. I smile. They see what I see. He’s fucking amazing.
“He’s great, isn’t he?” a familiar voice says beside me.
I turn and find Sarah, smiling brilliantly.
“There’s my girl,” I say, pulling her into a hug. She nestles into my neck, and I kiss the top of her head. I nearly lift her off the ground with our height difference.
“Don’t you forget it,” she grins as I set her down. “I’m so happy you came tonight.”
“Yeah,” I say, glancing back at the stage. Caleb looks anxious, sipping his drink and talking to Tony. His eyes never leave me. “I thought you said he wasn’t coming.”
Sarah follows my gaze. “Yeah, about that... I kind of lied.” She cringes. “Please don’t be mad.”
I blink at her. “Why would you lie about that?” I’m not angry. More confused.
She shrugs. “You’ve both been miserable since Toronto. I just wanted to see you happy. Both of you.”
“He’s been upset?” My chest tightens, but also, so does relief. Maybe it wasn’t all in my head. Maybe what we had experienced wasn’t all in my head.
“He thinks he hurt you,” she says quietly.
I huff. “Well, he kind of did. He just left—no answers. I felt like an idiot.”
“Maybe, just once, you two could, I don’t know... talk about it?” she teases, poking my side.
“Ouch!” I laugh, rubbing the spot. “Why? What do you get out of this?”
She hesitates, then looks down. “I need to know you two will be okay.” She sucks in a big breath of air, preparing herself to say something important. “Nathan... I’m going to Australia for a few months. I need to figure things out. I can’t keep doing... whatever this is,” she says, laughing sadly.
“Sarah...” My stomach twists. She’s been my anchor for the past four years. And now she’s leaving?
“Just say you’re happy for me. And that you’ll be okay when I go.”
I exhale, eyes drifting back to Caleb. Maybe I will be okay. “I’m proud of you,” I say, smiling. “Promise you’ll FaceTime me?”
“Every week. We’ll make a night of it,” she says, grabbing my hand and pulling me close. We lean our foreheads together, laughing softly.
“Am I interrupting something?” Theo coughs behind us, holding two beers.
“No, you’re good,” I say. “This is Sarah. Sarah Lockwood.” I glance at her, but she’s staring at Theo like he’s a real-life Avenger. I look at him—he’s doing the same.
“Oh dear God,” I mutter, rolling my eyes. This girl has that effect on everyone .
“You must be Theo. Nathan’s told me so much about you,” she says, offering her hand.
“The famous Sarah Lockwood. I don’t know whether to be mad at you or ask for your autograph,” he replies, taking her hand in his.
“Maybe you’d like to hear my side of the story before you decide to cast me off,” She says, teasingly.
“Oh, I’m sure it’s just riveting.” Theo squints.
Okay, that handshake is lasting way too long.
I shake my head, chuckling, and take one of the beers. But as I turn back to the stage, I realize they’ve started playing another song.
“Ode to a Conversation Stuck in Your Throat.” Del Water Gap.
One of my favorite artists that I showed him .
He must’ve asked Tony to play it. This can’t be a coincidence. The lyrics hit me immediately. Caleb’s voice surrounds me and pulls me forward.
One moment, I’m memorized by the shimmering lights behind him, and the next moment, I’m locked in to his eyes. As though he knows exactly where I am in the crowd.
There we go again. Caught in each other’s orbit. Where time stands still and nothing else matters. Just me and him. No one else.
I used to call you my best friend, way back before you were my everything...
I move through the crowd, pushing past the swaying people, leaving Theo and Sarah giggling behind me.
I stop in front of the stage. Caleb strums his guitar, eyes locked on mine. I can’t move.
And it hits me, I don’t want anybody else touching you like I do
The memory crashes over me—his mouth on me in that hotel room. Him whispering that I was his. That my body belonged to him.
And God, I wanted that. I still do.
The song fades and applause erupts. My chest tightens.
“Okay, we’re gonna take a 20-minute break. Thanks, everyone!” Caleb calls into the mic.
I freeze, unsure what to do. Then I notice him crouching at the edge of the stage, sipping his drink.
“That a friend?” Caleb asks, his voice cutting through the noise like velvet.
I blink. “Who?”
He eyes my beer and frowns. “You don’t even like that. Here.” He offers his drink.
I set my beer on the stage and take his instead. Our fingers brush, and a jolt sparks through me.
“He’s a friend,” I say honestly. Sure, I want him to think I’m not just waiting around sulking over him... but I don’t want him thinking I’m unavailable .
He smirks. “Tell your friend to keep his hands off what’s mine.”
“We’ll see about that.” I roll my eyes, place the cup back beside the beer, and turn away from him.
“Where are you going?” he shouts, standing up.
I flash him a small smile over my shoulder before turning to find Sarah.
The sun is setting, and the little string lights twinkle all around us—it’s a beautiful night. I spot Sarah quickly. She’s chatting with a group of people, Theo included, in the corner of the roof.
“Hey babe, everything okay?” she asks, her brows drawing together with concern. Theo looks worried too. I must have it written all over my face.
“I just need some air,” I shrug.
They glance at each other, then back at me. “Dude, we’re outside.”
“Right.” I exhale, scanning the space. Maybe I need more than just air. Maybe I need to leave.
“Here, take my keys,” Sarah says, pulling them from her pocket and handing them to me. “Go hang out at my place for a bit. You can come back whenever you’re ready. Take your time. Just... don’t go in my bedside table.”
“What’s in your bedside table?” Theo grins.
Sarah blushes and shoots him a look. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Okay, I’m out of here. Theo, you good?” I ask.
He looks down at Sarah and smiles. “Yeah, dude. I’m good.”
I give them both a nervous smile and brush past them.
I push through the rooftop doors and rush down the stairs until I find her floor.
I don’t know what I’m thinking, coming here. If Caleb wanted me, he would’ve sought me out. He’s been back for a week and hasn’t reached out. Clearly, the time away wasn’t as euphoric for him as it was for me. And I’m not about to chase him. We all know what happens when I chase someone. Chaos. That’s what happens.
I find Sarah’s door at the end of the hallway and push it open, slamming it shut behind me. Relief rushes through me. Away from the people. Away from the questions spinning in my head about Caleb.
I close my eyes and lean against the door, breathing in, then out.
Suddenly, the door flies open behind me, shoving me forward.
And there he is—Caleb. Breathless and determined. He hurries inside and slams the door shut.
“What’s going on? Did you follow me?” I ask, heart pounding.
He’s panting. “I forgot how damn fast you are. I really need to work on my cardio.”
I laugh, despite myself. “Yeah, you really do.”
Then it clicks.
He chased after me.
After me .
“Why did you—” I start to ask.
But before I can finish, Caleb closes the space between us, places his hands on either side of my face, and kisses me like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted to do.