16. Mia
Mia
I’m spiraling. I can’t believe Adam left.
It was the final blow I could handle today.
I only thought I was a mess when we got here…
now, I’m not sure if it’s shock or a pregnancy symptom, but my body feels like it’s completely underwater, and I haven’t the slightest clue of how to get back to the surface.
Of course he left. This was never meant to happen.
I’m having a baby…
My tears are free-falling at this point. I can’t for the life of me catch my breath. I can’t even get my feet to move from the spot in my entryway since Adam walked out.
Chills run down my spine as I frantically wipe at my cheeks. I’ve never cried this much before in my life. I hate this feeling. I hate this situation. I hate that I’m alone right now.
I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified to make any moves toward my bed or even the couch for fear of passing out again, but I can’t stand here all night. I wipe at my face again. Hell, so much for all those fluids.
With a deep breath in through my nose and out my mouth, I take one step before there’s a knock at my door.
No matter how upset Adam leaving made me, my body aches for it to be him standing on the other side of the door. I don’t want to be alone. Maybe I should have told him to stay, but maybe it was him that needed the space.
I tilt my head up to the ceiling…
Please let it be him.
Taking a deep breath, I look through the peephole and see Adam on the other side.
My knees go weak as relief floods my body.
When I open the door, I wrap my arms around myself to keep from jumping into his arms—he came back, but I don’t know if he’ll stay.
Adam takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’m not better at this.”
I feel his words deep in my chest. I wish I was, too. “That’s okay, I can’t say I’m handling it all that well either…but I didn’t want you to leave. I should have said that.”
“No, I shouldn’t have suggested leaving. I’m sorry. I want to help you get through this, and I thought that maybe me being here was too much pressure…but honestly, Mia, I think I was just so terrified. I still am.”
I can see it all over his face. “I get it. I’m going out of my mind with this news, but—”
Adam steps to me, his hands running slowly up and down my arms for a moment.
“Mia, I want to be terrified with you. No matter what.” He tilts my head up by my chin. “Can I please stay here with you tonight?”
All I can manage is a nod from the lump stuck in my throat.
His hands move, caressing my cheeks softly, and after a few swipes of his thumb, my tears stop. I inhale the smell of him that I simply will never be able to describe fully, but love so much.
Something about it is so comforting that I actually feel my brain starting to calm down. I wrap my arms tightly around his neck. I may not have my mind fully made up on what to do next, but I can’t say I’m ready to lose him…
What if the decision I make is wrong and we don’t work out?
I really want us to work out.
“I know this probably sounds so extremely selfish, but I can’t give you an answer tonight about what I want to do.”
“Hey, you don’t have to.” He places a hurried kiss on my head. “You’re not being selfish.”
An ache comes to my chest. All of my confidence and self-assurance are depleted.
I don’t know what kind of well my body has for all these tears, but more start to stream down my cheeks. However, this time, they aren’t spurred by panic or anger for him leaving…I feel like I’m mourning a relationship that hasn’t even ended yet.
I hear that freaking doctor’s voice in my head. “You’re pregnant.”
I guess in a way our relationship has ended. I can hope for the best, but we’ll never be what we were before this. Not the same people. Not the same couple. Everything will change and neither of us can do anything to fix it.
A small part of me was worried I’d wake up this morning feeling like crap and regret having Adam stay the night. Or the worst fear of waking up and him not being here…
But before my eyes even flutter open, I feel Adam’s strong arms holding me softly. I inhale that clean, comforting scent and for a moment everything else fades away.
What I wouldn’t give to just be in bed with his warmth forever. To feel this cared for…this protected… We got life-altering news last night, and I’ve cried more than I have in well over a decade, but this moment is bliss, even if it’s fleeting.
Last night I knew I had to put any decision-making thoughts on the back burner. I couldn’t consider the idea of not having this baby, but also couldn’t wrap my mind around the reality that I’d be a mom.
But I know I can’t sit on this decision for much longer. The indecisiveness alone doesn’t help me and causes a whole different spiral. It’s time for me to make a decision. Have this baby or don’t.
I can’t say I thought Adam would be the type to run for the hills, and while I do think he was just as scared about the news as I was…I want to believe he’s genuinely here for me.
Maybe we can do this, or maybe it’s wishful thinking.
I have always wanted a family, so keeping this baby is what I’m leaning toward. However, this has to be the complete opposite way of how I wanted this to happen. Yes, I can see a life with Adam, but this changes everything for us.
This is us sharing a child for the rest of our lives. All I could think about last night was how this would affect our relationship, but we really need to consider how our relationship will impact the baby.
Dang it, I need a notebook to write things down, but I don’t want to leave this bed either.
Okay, rapid first thoughts. I keep the baby. Adam and I try co-parenting and navigate what we could be as we go. But maybe that should come after I’ve had the baby?
Lucie said something yesterday about Dex and his wife handling their marriage and parenting wrong, but I didn’t ask any follow-ups because why the hell would I? Boy, do I have a new set of questions now.
“Hey, Lucie, I know you mentioned that your husband had an accidental pregnancy and a marriage that didn’t work out… Can I ask what they did wrong so Adam and I don’t do that?”
Christ, I’ll take things I can’t ask another pregnant lady for five hundred, please.
But I have so many of them… Were they a one-night stand? Did they actually care about each other before and things changed after the baby? How was it an accident? Did people accuse her of trying to trap him?
I can hear all the judgment now—I just wanted to lock in an athlete. The oldest trick in the book. I swear, if I get one whiff of that bullshit, I’ll lose my mind.
The other concern is that I’m now an obligation for Adam. This was a true accident, but now will he stay for me, or only the baby?
I can’t really explain it, but I have this gut feeling that that’s a bit of bullshit. I suppose it only matters that Adam and I know the truth about our relationship… And the people we care about.
Fuck, we’re going to have to tell people… My parents…his—our friends…work…
Adam’s arms tighten around me as his head nuzzles into the crook of my neck. He takes a long inhale, then exhales. “I swear I can hear the wheels turning in your head,” he mumbles softly.
An unexpected laugh tumbles out of me. Turning my body slowly, Adam leans back for me to rest my head on his chest.
“Sorry, the moment my eyes opened I started thinking about everything.”
Adam brushes his fingers through my hair. “What are you thinking about?”
I huff in amusement and glance up at him. “I’ll give you one guess.”
This lazy grin tugs at the corner of his mouth before he runs a hand over his face. “What do I get if I get it right?”
I really want to stop the laugh, but he just looks so hot, and it’s so warm and cozy here with him that I feel way more carefree than I should in a situation like this.
“Ugh, Adam, this is serious,” I say, swatting at his stomach. “I’ve barely scratched the surface of what I want to do and how I want to go about it.”
Adam continues to brush my hair lightly with his fingers. “Want to air out some of those thoughts? I can solely listen, or we can spiral about it together.”
God, he’s so sweet. I turn to meet his eyes. There’s a small wave of nausea that crashes over me, but I let that be the feeling that pushes the admission out. “What if I said I want us to discuss the idea of having this baby?”
“I’m all for it.” His voice is soft and gentle.
“I’m still terrified,” I admit, and his hands move to cup my face.
“Me too. Absolutely freaking out on the inside.”
“Ha, you should be in my head.” I playfully push off him and roll back to my side and catch a glimpse at my alarm clock on my dresser. We’ve slept well past nine. “What happened to being an early riser?”
Adam rolls to his side and props his head up on his hand. “I woke up at seven, but didn’t want you waking up alone, even if I was just downstairs, so I went back to sleep.”
This wave of warmth rolls through my body. “You slept in for me?”
“Without question.” Leaning forward, he places a small kiss on my forehead.
“I know this is serious, Mia. I don’t think either of us would even consider deciding what to do next lightheartedly.
Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it, but if you’re up for us talking to someone, I have some friends who might be able to help. ”
I can’t keep the skepticism off my face. “Dex? Adam, I’m not sure we should do that to Lucie. She mentioned a little yesterday about not loving talking about Dex and his ex-wife.”
“You’re probably right. I don’t know how much Lucie shared, but Dex and Kate might have similarities to our situation, but they’re two completely different people. You, Mia, are very different from Kate.” Adam rests a hand on my stomach. “How many questions do you have about that now?”
I snort. “So many.”
Adam’s thumb glides against my skin as he places a kiss on my shoulder. “We can talk more about it later, but I was actually thinking of Jett and Wyla. They were a one-night stand that turned into Jett finding Wyla five years later at his daughter’s birthday party.”
“What?” I’m sitting straight up now. “The couple from last night? You have a story like that and didn’t tell me?”
Adam laughs, pulling me back down against his chest. “It’s the best story. I was holding on to it for an emergency.”
“Um, hello! I can’t think of a bigger emergency than this.” I pull back from him, but Adam tightens his hold.
“Hence me telling the story now,” he says with a chuckle.
“They hadn’t exchanged numbers or any real information, but Jett swears it was love at first sight.
Wyla never wanted to keep their daughter from him, but she did have to go through this whole part alone.
I know it’s not the same situation, but she might have some insight.
And I know neither of them would mind talking about it. ”
My stomach turns in knots. I have to admit I didn’t plan on telling anyone until Adam and I were on the same page, and our plan for what comes next was already set, but maybe he’s right. If anything, it may just make us feel better about the whole situation.
“Okay, I’m fine with that, but we tell no one else. At least until we figure out what we want to do.”
Adam nods. “Do you want to meet them at a coffee place or—”
“Can they come here, or is that weird?” I ask, cutting him off. “Sorry, I’m just afraid if we talk and we’re out and about, I might go rogue, and our next stop would be the doctor’s office demanding an appointment.”
Adam smiles despite my fast pace. “I can ask them to come here. I’ll run by the cafe down the block and get us some breakfast. You want the usual or what are you feeling?”
“I want my matcha and a poppy seed muffin—wait, can I have those now that…you know. I thought my matcha tasted weird yesterday. Maybe that was my body telling me not to drink it?”
Adam lets out this burly laugh as he rolls out of my bed and picks up his jeans. “I’ll look it up on the way and call you if not.”
“Okay,” I reply, cuddling deeper into the covers. I know I should get up and get ready, but I don’t really want to. I guess I got my answer as to why I was so exhausted. My body’s making room for a baby…and my nausea’s back.
Adam comes around to my side of the bed. He’s still shirtless, which definitely gives me a bit of clarification on how we ended up in this predicament to begin with. “Mia, honey, I hate to say it, but I’m going to need my shirt back.”
I groan, finally bringing myself to sit up. “I guess I’ll get up then.”
Adam brushes a piece of hair behind my ear. Even though he admitted to freaking out on the inside, he’s not letting it show, and for that, I’m grateful.
“Maybe I should hold on to your shirt. You know, insurance to make sure you come back.”
That rich laugh of his comes, but instead of giving me a well-deserved snarky reply, he kisses me.
“You’re not going to be able to get rid of me that easily, honey.”