Kendall
THE MORNING OF the big annual picnic, I painstakingly set the last strawberry on top of a perfectly frosted cake to complete the swirly pattern I’d created. The strawberries were dip-coated in a sugar glaze I’d cooked up so they wouldn’t brown while it sat out.
I’d also made an apple pie from scratch, dough and all, with a cute lattice top sprinkled with cinnamon, dark chocolate espresso cupcakes covered in a fudgy ganache swirl, and a tray of maple-flavored blondies.
It was too much, but I’d been stress baking in a desperate attempt to keep my mind off Rhys and how badly I’d blown it with him by getting all sensitive and upset.
I’d never cared about being kept a secret before. That was just part of the territory when it came to messing around with closeted guys. I knew that, and I was fine with it. I’d never taken it personally.
So why had it stung so badly this time? Why had my stupid idiot brain chosen that moment to throw a whiny little temper tantrum meltdown?
Of course he was freaked out about the idea of people finding out about us.
Not only were we both guys and he was obviously totally fucking conflicted about his sexuality and trying to navigate all the new confusing feelings he was having, but I was practically a member of his family.
Our lives were entwined together like a rat’s nest of Christmas lights, impossible to fully detangle, each bulb a shared memory or mutual loved one.
Even putting the bisexuality part aside, he wasn’t even fully divorced yet.
His life was being rudely and cruelly uprooted, and all he could do was cling to the parts that provided him a shred of familiarity or comfort.
How could I possibly, even for a second, have felt like that wasn’t good enough for me? And then I’d snapped at him, chewing him out for having feelings and being vulnerable. It was no wonder he hadn’t messaged me anything in the two days since. I couldn’t blame him.
And as painful as it was to admit… Maybe it was for the best if I left him alone.
If I wasn’t making his life better, and the two of us meeting up was only causing him even more stress on top of everything else, then it was cruel for me to try to coax him back into it.
As much as being with him and having all those secret, stolen moments with him lit my heart up in a way I’d never imagined…
His wellbeing was more important. If I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my happiness to make things easier for him, then I couldn’t really claim to love him.
And I did love him. I’d loved him for most of my life.
The corners of my eyes prickled with tears at the thought, but I squeezed them closed until the feeling passed.
Enough of that. I’d already indulged in a crying jag the day before, sobbing into a bubble bath until my throat was sore.
Now it was time to be a responsible, logical adult and admit that this was for the best.
Even if it felt like there was a cold and empty hollow in my chest where my heart used to be, like that space was so deserted and hostile that life could never be sustained there again. That was fine. I could get used to it.
I was being ungrateful anyway. If 14-year-old me could somehow know that I’d kissed Rhys Kensington, that I’d held his attention for even a brief handful of minutes, and that he’d admitted things to me that I was somehow certain he’d never admitted to anyone else… I wouldn’t have believed it back then.
I should have been happy for the tiny sliver of him that I’d been allowed to touch, not grieving for the parts I couldn’t have.
And I should have known better to even allow myself to want something so huge, anyway.
I tried to be nice and generally helpful, but I hadn’t built up that much of a karma surplus in my years.
I gave myself one final glance in the bathroom as I washed up.
There were purple shadows under my eyes and I looked a tiny bit gaunt, which didn’t totally surprise me.
I’d barely eaten anything or slept in two nights.
I was being a drama queen. I’d take some melatonin to forcibly knock myself out when I got home.
I eyed a tube of my favored brand of concealer in my makeup drawer, knowing it would at least partially obscure my misery but ultimately decided I just didn’t have the energy to try and look presentable.
There was only one guy in the whole fucking town I cared about looking good for, and I was pretty sure he’d be avoiding looking in my direction anyway.
After going back and forth between my car and apartment a few times, carefully transferring my ridiculous amount of desserts, I locked up and headed a few minutes down the road to the park. One good thing about living in Cherryvale, nothing was more than a few minutes away.
When I got there, everything was set up as usual.
Long tables with a bunch of covered dishes, as well as tables lined with chairs, and covered with huge canopies.
A good few people were milling around already, but I knew most people would arrive in the next half hour or so.
I’d come a bit early because I had food. Benji and Josie arrived just as I did.
“Mom and Dad are on their way,” he informed me as he lugged up one of the trays from my backseat to walk it over with me.
Josie offered to carry something, which I declined and shooed her to go sit down.
She looked like she was smuggling a watermelon under her breezy blouse.
“Rhys is with them,” Benji added, in a careless way that let me know he had no idea how much of an effect Rhys’ presence or lack of presence would have on my nervous system.
“Cool,” I said, even though it was definitively not cool. But I would need to get used to being around him. It wasn’t like I could just disappear from his life. His family was my family. And we still had to co-uncle the impending baby. I’d get used to it. I had to.
As I set the last item on the dessert end of the table, Mrs. Crawford jogged over from where she’d been directing how she wanted the activities area set up.
There’d be tug-of-war, sack races, and a horseshoe tournament.
There’d also be a pie-eating contest, for anyone who didn’t mind getting their face coated in grocery store pie filling. I shivered at the thought.
“Hi, Mrs. Crawford,” I greeted her sweetly. She was one of the members of the board for the town of Cherryvale, and everyone knew her. She was kind of like a town mom, as silly as that might have sounded to someone who hadn’t grown up in the super isolated small town mindset like most of us had.
“You sure went all out, didn’t you, hun?” She noted, eyeing the stuff Benji and I had set down.
“I, uh, had some extra time,” I admitted, grinning a bit sheepishly. “Anyway, it’s good advertisement for my business.”
“Well, I sure don’t think anyone’s going to complain,” she said, plopping a hand down on my shoulder and giving it a kind squeeze. “You know, my husband still talks about those little raspberry lava cakes you brought over for our anniversary party.”
“I told you I’ll send you the recipe,” I said, grinning when she let out a dry bark of laughter.
“Ha! Recipe. Ain’t no recipe on Earth that would give me the skills to make those. No,” she tacked on, shaking her head. “I think I’ll just pay you to make me some and bring them over here soon. We have another anniversary coming up, you know.”
“That’s true. I’d love to make some more for you.”
“We’ll talk details later,” she said, giving me another affectionate squeeze. “For now, you go have fun with your friends. We’ll finish setting up over here.”
I made my way over to the table Josie had plopped down in front of, where Benji had just sat down next to her. As soon as I sat down, just across from them, her eyebrows popped up.
“Are you sick, Keke?” She asked, with obvious concern. Ugh, did I really look that bad?
“If you’re sick, you need to stay away from Josie,” Benji said, putting a hand between us, like that would somehow stop the flow of airborne germs from my imaginary ailment.
“I’m not sick,” I said quickly. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night.” Or the night before that.
“Oh man,” he said, narrowing his eyes a bit as he finally focused on me. “Yeah, you do look kind of haggard.”
“Haggard!?” I demanded, my hand flying up to my chest in shock.
“Benjamin!” Josie scolded, giving him a light smack on the arm.
“Well, no! I mean, you don’t look like this all the time! Just… You know, right now,” he finished, blinking innocently.
Great. It was like the complete opposite of how someone would try to look really killer to see their ex for the first time after a bad breakup. But Rhys wasn’t my ex and I looked like shit. I was sure he would look smoking hot as always. He rolled out of bed looking like that.
To give me something to focus on other than my haggard appearance and Rhys’ inevitable arrival, I asked Josie how things were going and how she was feeling, wincing in sympathy when she regaled me with stories of swollen feet, painful heartburn, and intense fatigue.
“You’ve got another two months or so, don’t you?” I asked, and she sighed.
“Please don’t remind me,” she requested, before changing the subject. “A little birdie told me you and Rhys went out and got my baby shower gifts the other day.”
“Tweet tweet,” Benji added, as if I wouldn’t know he was the one who’d told her. Well, that was fine. It wasn’t like it was a secret. Although Rhys had apparently wanted it to be.
“Yeah,” I answered, because I was afraid if I said more, my misery regarding my shopping partner would be obvious to both of them.
As she jokingly grilled me about what we’d gotten her, the rest of the Kensingtons showed up in Mom’s SUV. I tried not to watch out of my peripherals as Rhys strolled by with the massive bowl of potato salad balanced in his muscular arms.