Rhys
OVER THE NEXT few days, Kendall and I went back to talking basically nonstop.
I grabbed my phone to message him as soon as I woke up, and I made sure to message him before I went to bed.
It was reminiscent of the relationships I’d had in high school, only instead of parading him around the hallways at school to make sure everyone knew that he was spoken for, we had to sneak around and hide it so no one knew.
“Who are you texting, honey?” My mom asked as she passed through the kitchen, where I was seated at the counter.
“No one,” I responded. Case in point.
Did I want people to know? I still wasn’t sure. I actually wasn’t even sure if he wanted people to know. I knew he’d had a crush on me forever, but that didn’t mean he’d be eager for everyone to know he was hooking up with a divorcing, jobless loser.
And he’d mentioned something back at the cabin, about how he was usually pretty subtle with his dating life and didn’t really go around flashing it in people’s faces. So maybe it wasn’t just me holding back from that kind of thing.
“Well, you’re texting someone,” she pointed out as she pulled up a seat on the other side of the bar. She’d plucked a tangerine out of the fruit bowl on the counter, and started peeling the skin. “Is it Brie?”
“No,” I said, tilting my phone away from her prying eyes and out of her reach, just in case.
“You never did go out with her again after that one night, did you?” She mused.
“No.”
“How come?”
“I just didn’t feel a connection,” I answered carefully, trying not to sound like a defensive teenager. My mom was overexcitable, nosy, and loved poking fun at us. It was embarrassing at the best of times, but the last thing I wanted was to discuss my sex life with her.
“Well, you must have felt some kind of connection,” she insisted. “You spent the night with her.”
“I wasn’t with her that night,” I corrected her, even though I really didn’t want to.
But it was better for me to be honest and vague about who I’d really been with.
If I lied, it’d be too easy to eventually get caught in it, seeing as how everyone in this fucking town was constantly talking and gossiping with each other.
“Well, you didn’t come home.” She popped a segment of the tangerine into her mouth as she eyed me.
“No,” I agreed. “I didn’t.”
“So you… went on a date with one girl, and ended up spending the night with a different one.”
Suppressing a sigh, I pushed my glasses up to rub at the corner of my closed eye. “Do we really have to talk about this? Am I being punished?”
“Of course you’re not! I’m just curious what’s going on in your life.”
“You’re looking at it,” I said flatly.
“Oh stop,” she chided me. “Tell me about her.”
“No.”
“You smile at your phone way too much these days. I know that smile.”
“Maybe I just really like Candy Crush. Did you ever consider that?”
She grinned, shaking her head at me before popping another piece of fruit in her mouth.
“Do you think this is someone you might be getting serious with?”
“Mom, I’m not even divorced yet. Do you really think it’s a good idea for me to get serious with anyone right now?”
“Maybe,” she responded, and I could only scoff. “You seem happy.”
Clearing my throat, I could practically feel myself starting to squirm in my chair.
I was happy. Even though sometimes it felt like we were having to play this whole thing like brain surgery, never making a mistake or else we’d get caught.
I was happiest when I was with him. Talking to him was a close second.
When I couldn’t have either, I was just thinking about the next time I’d be able to.
“That wasn’t a criticism, Rhys. You’re allowed to be happy,” she said, before sighing and propping her chin in her hand, staring at me with affectionate exasperation. “I don’t know where you’ve gotten this aversion from.”
“Aversion?”
“It’s like you think you deserve to be miserable.”
I ran my tongue around my teeth, shifting my gaze down to the table. “I don’t even have another job yet.”
“So what? You’re taking some time to yourself. You know your dad and I don’t mind helping you out.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I appreciate it. I know it’s got to be kind of lame with me back after having the place all to yourselves.”
“It’s been really nice, actually,” she said, then chuckled at my expression. “You don’t believe that I could possibly enjoy having my beloved oldest child back in my house after being gone for 10 years?”
“I guess.”
“People want you around, honey. I don’t know at what point in your life you lost your confidence in that, but I promise it’s true. Your dad and I have really enjoyed having you home.”
She stood from her chair, making her way around the bar to stand next to me, rubbing a hand over my shoulders.
“I… I’ve liked being back, too,” I said, even though the vulnerability required to continue the conversation on its current trajectory was starting to make me feel kind of itchy. “You guys are making it easy. I appreciate it. A lot. Seriously.”
It was a surprise to me how true the statement was.
There were things I didn’t love about Cherryvale, and things I’d always miss about living in a bigger city but…
I wasn’t hating it nearly as much as I’d worried about.
And I didn’t think it was solely because of Kendall, although he was definitely the biggest factor.
It was actually kind of nice having people around that cared if I lived or died.
“Oh.” She clucked her tongue before pulling me into a tight hug against her chest. “I love you so much. Your dad and I would do anything for you and your brother. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You know who else I bet wouldn’t mind having you around more?” She asked, and my eyebrows furrowed together as I waited for her to go on. When she simply tilted her chin toward my phone, still clutched against my chest to hide the screen, I snorted.
“Mom.”
“Well?” She said, raising her hands and giving me a pointed look. “Is there any particular reason you’re moping around here texting her instead of going and being with her?”
“Am I seriously moping?” I wondered, and she laughed.
“I mean this in the nicest way possible, but yes, honey. You’re moping. It’s Friday night. You’re young! She’s probably moping around the house wishing you were there, too.”
I tried to imagine Kendall moping around his fluffy, pastel palace and couldn’t quite manage it. He was better at coping with his emotions than I was. At least, I was pretty sure he was. That was probably why he was good at chilling me out when I started to feel panicky.
“Maybe,” I said doubtfully. “But it’s complicated.”
“How complicated are we talking here, Rhys?” Mom asked wryly. “Commitment issues level of complicated, or married with three kids level of complicated?”
“Christ! Neither of those, okay? It’s not like that. It’s just… It’s complicated for me.”
“Ah.”
“Are you trying to get me out of the house or something? Do you need some alone time with Dad?”
“Oh, don’t even worry about that one,” my dad advised me as he chose that moment to waltz into the room and to the fridge to grab a drink. “Your presence has not impeded our sex life whatsoever. I appreciate the concern, though.”
“Gross.”
Grimacing as my mom laughed at his blunt tendencies, hopping up to go and give him a playful smack on the arm, I dropped my forehead down onto the edge of the counter.
Holding my phone under it and out of sight, I stared bullets into my text convo with Kendall.
Maybe Mom was right. Why was I hesitating to go over there?
I had nothing going on. And I wanted to be with him, more than anything.
I was pretty sure my nervous system had never been as steady and calm as the two times I’d lounged around with him over there. Maybe it was some kind of sign.
And maybe I was just freaked out. Freaked out because I knew if I went over now, I’d end up spending the night.
And if I did that, then… There wouldn’t be any more interruptions.
Nothing else holding us back from really going all the way.
And if we did that… There was no turning back.
I wasn’t confused. I wasn’t questioning.
I was… Bi? Maybe I was, anyway. I wasn’t totally sure about the rules for all that.
The label didn’t matter. Probably. I liked Kendall and that was all that mattered. For now, anyway.
Ignoring the way my pulse sped up inside me, I commanded my trembling thumbs to type a message out to Kendall and send it.
What are you doing tonight?
I half-listened to my parents laughing and flirting nearby, but my heart was starting to pound in my ears as I waited for his response.
Not too much. I filmed and edited a bunch of videos today so I’m just going to relax now.
Fuck. Would I be interrupting his relaxation time if I came over?
Was it something he’d need, like, advance notice for?
Wasn’t that an anal sex thing? Prepping?
How long would he need for that? Hours? Days?
I should have done more research about that stuff.
None of the women I’d been with had ever wanted to try it. At least, not with me.
Why? He sent another message before I could get out of my head enough to decide what to say. Do you want to come over?
Taking in a deep breath, I let my eyes close. Would I ever get used to that? How it seemed as though he lived in my head, always saying the thing I needed, just at the moment I needed it?
Yeah. I hit the send button and waited.
Do you think you might want to stay tonight? He asked, and I felt my palms break out in a light, clammy sweat.
If it’s okay with you.
I glanced back up over the counter, where my parents were still absorbed in each other. My mom always looked at my dad like he was a fucking superhero. I wondered if things were different for Kendall and I, if we’d end up like that one day, with him staring up at me with cartoon heart eyes.