32. Foolish Love
32
Foolish Love
W hile the guests ate from a hand crafted menu, Nicole holed herself up in the bathroom, crying in a stall. First crying in a parking lot, now this? It was like she was competing with herself for the most embarrassing place to have a breakdown in.
If Nicole from a year ago could see her now, she would make fun of her for getting in this deep with a guy and his child. So deep that seeing the child reunite with her mother left her reduced to tears. It shouldn’t have affected her. Yet it did.
She had missed it. In the time where everything changed between her and Spencer, she missed the moment he decided to let Melanie in. She’d been a part of the journey in helping him see the situation in a different light, but she missed the end. The resolution.
The worst part of it was, Nicole wouldn’t be a part of the next journey Spencer took. With his life, his career, his family. It wouldn’t just be the resolution she missed out on, but everything.
It would be the same for him. Spencer would miss the next journeys Nicole would endeavor in the next stage of her life. He wouldn’t be there to give her advice or offer her support. Their time in each other’s lives was almost over. And when the party dwindled out, their respective paths wouldn’t cross again.
The thought made her cry harder. How did she let someone become this important to her so soon? That the thought of them leaving her forever wrecked her?
The only thing that could quiet her was the door to the bathroom opening. Nicole covered her mouth and swallowing her sobs, not wanting anyone to hear her. Black flats paused outside her stall, but didn’t attempt to open.
Nicole held her breath until the water began to run. She sighed, wiping the tears from her face, and left the stall. She washed her hands and patted her face with a cold water, hoping it would ease the puffiness.
The water temporarily blinded her vision, so she only heard the offer of a towel, but didn’t see where it came from. “Thanks,” she said, feeling the plush fabric enter her hands.
“I must say I have walked in on many women crying in a bathroom, but never at a kid’s birthday party.”
“I’ve always thought of myself as a trendsetter.”
The woman chuckled momentarily, but shifted back to concern. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“I’ve heard that before, said it so many times too that I know when it’s a lie. It’s a gift.” The woman touched Nicole’s shoulder while her head was still bowed in the towel. “Come on. It’s probably easier to talk to a stranger about it. Gives you a fresh perspective.”
Nicole didn’t share her logic, but the stranger was persistent. “Long story short, I found out this guy I was dating had been lying to me the entire time we’ve known each other. The lying I could get over because it started when he didn’t know me. It’s that he kept peddling the lies even after we grew close. He never even fessed up. I found out on my own.”
Nicole said this all into her towel, her face feeling hot despite the cool water that just ran over it. She wasn’t sure if the towel muffled her speech too much or not until the stranger replied, “He sounds like a tool. Why do you like him again?”
A laugh came out of Nicole. She dropped the towel and looked at the woman, still chuckling. The laugh got caught in her throat when her vision zeroed in on Melanie. Her face didn’t register shock. Nicole was left to assume she knew nothing about her relationship with her brother.
“It’s complicated.”
“Complicated is my middle name.”
Nicole didn’t need her to elaborate. She knew she was being truthful. “He… he’s the first guy to make me feel like I’m better than what I am. I was… not a good person for a long time. I’ve been finding my way out from being that person. It wasn’t until I was with this guy that I felt like I’d actually made it out. Does that make sense?”
“Unfortunately.”
The regret and sadness in Melanie’s eyes was obvious. The last thing Nicole wanted was to trigger her. Melanie went into her clutch and pulled out some mascara and lipstick. “Keep talking while I fix the mess you made of your makeup.”
Nicole looked into the mirror and gasped. A raccoon could’ve been her twin. Melanie sat her down on the sink. “So, do you only like this guy because of how he makes you feel? Because there are always other guys who could make you feel that way.”
But there was only one Spencer. “No. I like him for the man he is. He’s everything I didn’t think existed. I’ve been around men who were nothing but red flags, but there wasn’t one with him. He showed himself to me as thoughtful, selfless, and protective. He put me first. Something I never had with anyone before him.”
“But?” Melanie pressed.
“I don’t know if I can trust that was really him. What if the person I fell for was an illusion? What if who he really is, is someone completely different?”
She held her eyes wide open as Melanie applied the mascara. “Want to know what I think?”
“I’m at your mercy.”
“You said you’ve been around men you knew were red flags and you were proven right. Yet you never saw or felt one when you were with this guy. Maybe you can’t trust him, but you trust yourself, don’t you? You have a good gut. Wouldn’t it have felt the same knowing feeling about this guy if everything good about him was a lie?”
Nicole hadn’t thought about it like that. Melanie smiled as she began applying the lipstick. “I got you there, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, but he still lied to me and didn’t come clean until I confronted him.”
“So you’re in love with a man who is just as flawed and fucked up as you are? Congratulations. Welcome to being a human.”
Nicole’s jaw dropped. “I didn’t say I loved him.”
“You’re crying over him in a bathroom. Come on, don’t be daft. Would you cry over just anyone in the bathroom?”
“No.”
“There you go then.” Melanie grinned, putting her makeup away. “Look, I don’t know the guy, or you, for that matter. But if there’s a chance he is the guy you fell for and he accepted you with your baggage, then try to do the same for him. Try to see him in the same light. Maybe the person he is, isn’t the person you knew him as. He could be worse, or he could be better. It’s a chance you have to be willing to take. If you’re not, then maybe the relationship was never really worth it.”
Melanie’s words drummed in Nicole’s head after she left the bathroom. Could it be that simple? Give Spencer another chance to see if he would break her heart again? She wasn’t interested in being made out as an idiot again. Would she look like one anyway if she let her pride keep her from a man she could’ve loved?
She stuffed the thought away when she returned to the party. Nessa had finished opening the last of her gifts. Which meant her surprise for the birthday girl was imminent.
“Ms. Nicole!” Nessa jogged over to her, ditching her friends. “You missed me opening my presents.”
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry, but you haven’t seen mine yet.”
“The party wasn’t my gift from you?”
“Oh, no. I have a surprise gift for you if you’re up for another one.”
“I am! I am!”
Nicole’s mood brighten under the girl’s excitement. “Everyone,” she said, catching their attention. “We’ll be making our way to the ballroom to see Nessa’s last gift.”
The cast of children, parents, and Nessa’s family followed Nicole downstairs. The ballroom was so spacious it didn’t feel cramp as everyone filed into it. “Can someone cut the lights?” Nicole requested.
It took a second for darkness to splash over the room. There were muttering and questions, wondering what they were doing in the dark. When the show begun, it silenced everyone.
Lights of art danced onto the walls and ceilings of the room, but it wasn’t the art of one of the instructors. No. It was Nessa’s.
The day Nessa showed Nicole her drawings, Nicole asked if she could borrow her sketchpad for a few days. Nessa was more than happy to hand it over. After researching companies that created light art, Nicole sent the images off to the most reputable one. Now, they were the only light in the room, showing her creations for the world to see.
“What’s happening?” Nessa’s question wasn’t a criticism, but an awestruck wonder.
“It’s your art. Do you like it?” she asked, hoping she didn’t overstep.
Nessa’s small hand fit into Nicole’s palm. “It’s beautiful.”
Nicole smiled down at her. “Yeah, it is.”
Her flowers, her skies, her scenery. Every piece was as unique as Nessa. Her drawings took on life in a way Nicole could see Nessa never envisioned before.
The light show of Nessa’s art continued for another few minutes, ending with her signature proudly proclaiming them as hers. When the lights came back on, everyone’s faces showed how taken aback they were by the display, including Nessa’s. No one, not even her, had realized just how good at her craft she was.
“That was like I was an actual artist.”
Nicole squeezed her hand. “That’s because you are, sweetheart. You’ll see your name in those lights again if that’s what you want.”
Nessa returned the warmth of the moment by hugging Nicole’s waist. “Thank you.”
She rubbed her back, believing it to be the last time. “You’re welcome, Nessa.”
“I love you, Ms. Nicole.”
“I love you too, Nessa.” Nicole closed her eyes tight, stopping them before they could produce tears. “You should go and see your family now, okay?”
When they broke apart, Nessa nodded, then ran to meet up with her mom and grandma. The lights remained dim in the room as the DJ encouraged the kids to make their way onto the dancefloor. It made it easy for Nicole to slip out without anyone noticing.
Or that’s what she thought until she was walking through the courtyard, getting her keys out. “How come you’re always running away?”
She turned around and found Spencer behind her. He was a vision to her in the soft lighting of the fading sun and the courtyard’s fairy lights.
“Because I know when my time in a place is done.” Ever since she was an unwanted kid to when she was an unwanted wife, Nicole was used to knowing when her time was done. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but one she could accept.
Spencer took a step closer to her, and she didn’t tell him to stop. She wanted to see his next move because she didn’t know what her own would be. “My mom gave me the advice to give you space even when that wasn’t what I wanted. Because I’m the one who screwed up, so what I wanted didn’t matter. Not as much as what you did.”
“Smart woman,” she complimented.
“I know. Except I think she may have gotten this wrong.”
“Oh.”
“Standing here, being here with you today, Nicole. I can’t get this idea out of my head and tell me if I’m projecting. But I can’t stop thinking that you want as much space as I do. Which is to say none at all.”
Nicole’s heart thumped against her chest. Her throat grew dry, making it hard to respond. Fearful of leading Spencer on and getting herself hurt again, she said nothing.
“Maybe you’ve forgiven me. Maybe you haven’t, but I can’t leave here until I know for certain we’re over.” Again, for the same fears, she stayed quiet. “Nicole, please. Talk to me. That was the one thing we were always good at.”
“If we were so good at it, why didn’t you tell me the truth about why you came into my life? You, more than anyone, should’ve known I would have understood.”
“Because I’m an idiot, clearly.”
“And you’ve given me a reason not to trust you. I know every way that trust can be built, manipulated, and destroyed. I know it because I’ve experienced it. What I needed from you was not to break my faith in you. Trust is delicate. It gets broken by simple mistakes. I needed you not to make a mistake. If that’s not fair, I’m sorry, but I’ve never needed anything from anyone before and I needed that from you.”
A tear escaped down her face as she confessed these feelings to him. It felt as though she was ripping a wound open again.
“Tell me what I can do,” Spencer begged. “Trust can be repaired. Tell me how I can repair it.”
“I don’t know. That’s the one concept about trust I was never taught.”
“Then let me learn it.” He closed the gap between them. “I’ve been alone for a lot of my life, Nicole, but never more than when you walked out on me. Now that I know what life looks like with you by my side, I don’t want to go through it without you.”
“I don’t know if I can go through it with you if I can’t trust you.”
Her eyes followed his up to his full height, down as his height lowered past hers. The sight of Spencer on his knees made the air leave Nicole’s lungs. “Spencer, what are you doing?”
“I’m not proposing.”
“Thank God. I’m glad you’re not that much of an idiot. Because if you were proposing, I would’ve said no and really hurt your feelings.”
Spencer bit his bottom lip, holding back a smile. “How do you expect to say things like that to me and not expect me to want you? How do you expect to say them, and not expect me to beg for your forgiveness?”
Nicole felt the urge to smile, but didn’t. She wasn’t going to make this easy for him. “Go on, then.”
“What am I doing on the concrete? I’m showing you how serious I am. You’ve brought me to my knees, Nicole.”
“No. You did that to yourself.”
“Okay, you’re right. And I’ll keep doing this every day for the rest of my life, if I need to. Until I deserve you. I won’t let myself off easy for hurting you. Not when you have to live with it. Forgiving myself before you even have would defeat the purpose of all this. I’m on my knees because I don’t want to get up if you’re not the one to tell me to. I don’t want to stand if you’re not the one I’m standing by. I don’t want to walk unless you’re the one I’m walking to. Nicole, you can dole out whatever punishment you deem fit for me. I’ll take it without complaint. Anything except you walking away from me. That’s the one punishment I can’t bear to endure.”
Spencer’s eyes were red and wet, filled with so much emotion. Nicole was sure she would be crying to if she had any tears left inside of her. But she was out. Out of tears and out of words. This is what she wanted to hear, but how could she believe him? Spencer was a performer, just like her. How could she trust this was real?
Spencer reached for her hand, and she let him. “If you’ll let me, I will show you who I am and prove to you that the person you fell for wasn’t a lie. I will never make another mistake when it comes to your trust, not when the cost is losing you for good.”
“Why are you doing this, Spencer? What’s there for you to gain?”
“Nicole, there was a void in my heart that I didn’t know existed until I met you. In a short time, you filled it. And just as fast, you ripped it away because I didn’t earn it honestly. The way it felt when you took it, I’ll never forget. The hole you left behind was the size of your heart and yours alone. Nothing can ever fill it. No other person, no other love, nothing.”
Nicole’s eyes looked up at the golden sky, not standing to let Spencer see the effect his words were having on her. He squeezed her hand. “Look at me. Please. Look at me.”
Nicole didn’t know what she would see when she did. She didn’t know what she wanted to see. When her eyes found his, his solemn expression matched hers. “You want to put me through hell for destroying your image of me? That’s your right. I’ve earned that. But know this, I’m already in hell. I have been living there since you walked away from us. I’ll stay there until you come back to me. And I’ll go there again if I screw this up. Because, Nicole, you’re it for me. Deep down, I think you know I’m it for you too.”
“Stop,” her voice broke. She dropped his hand, her eyes closed tight. “Just stop.”
“Nicole—”
“No, you’ve had your chance to talk. You said a lot of pretty words. I’m sure the mirror you practiced them in front of was very impressed. Unfortunately for you, I’m not. You can give all the lovely speeches you want. At the end of the day, words are just that. Words. And as of two weeks ago, I lost all faith in yours.”
Nicole turned on her heel and strode out of the courtyard, refusing to look back. She knew if she did, her resolve might crumble. She walked until she lost track of how long she’d been walking or where she was. Finding a brick wall, she stopped, leaning back against it.
Alone, she could cry. She could let her emotions overwhelm her and allow the tears to flow freely. Her shoulders shook, and her hands covered her mouth to keep the sounds from coming out.
This is the way Nicole had always dealt with heartbreak. When someone pushed her away, she didn’t fight to make them stay. The shoe was never on the other foot. She never had someone fight for her after she tried to push them away. They decided she wasn’t worth the trouble. Spencer hadn’t.
Spencer was fighting for her. The fact he was willing to at all made Nicole want to hope. Nicole had lost hope in people before, but no one had ever given it back to her. No one until Spencer.
It was a dangerous thing. Hope. Unlike trust, it wasn’t dependable. It didn’t need to be built. It was a feeling. No sense or logic to it. It couldn’t be faked or forced. You either had it or you don’t.
To hope meant to risk. Risk losing your heart and your head. To sacrifice everything you knew about wrong and right. To risk the unknown and have no guarantee of a happy ending. But that was the thing. No matter what you risk losing, you’ll never truly be lost until you lost hope.
It only took a minute for Nicole to realize she didn’t want to lose hers.
She ran. Ran in the direction she thought she came and hoped it was the right one. Her legs felt weak, and her chest was heavy when she stopped in front of the community center. She had circled the building. The courtyard was in the back. She had no idea how long it took her to run around to the yard, but when she did, Spencer was still there.
Exactly where she left him. On his knees, his shoulders slouched, his face buried in his hands. The evening sky she left him in had since gone dark. Spencer said he wouldn’t get up unless she told him to. He had kept his word.
“You know at that height, a leprechaun could sneak up behind you and kick your ass.”
Spencer’s head snapped up, looking around for her. He looked over his shoulder and his eyes finally landed on hers. His eyebrows furrowed together. His eyes were wet, his face in disbelief. He didn’t get up, not letting himself believe what he was seeing was really happening. “Nicole?”
She nodded, wiping the dampness from under her eyes. “I saved a lot of money from over the years. Enough to hire a contract killer if you screw up again. I’m talking about having a guy in a leprechaun costume break into your home and cut off your fingers. Burn your—”
Spencer shot up from his knees, closing the distance between them. Her arms wrapped around his waist the second he was in front of her, her hands finding his back. The moment she touched him, Spencer was alive. His hands tangled in her hair, his lips pressing hard against hers.
His mouth was warm, his kiss desperate to mend what he broke. His arms wrapped around her back, holding her tightly against his chest. He held her like his life depended on it, and she clung to him like her life was slipping away. In many ways, it was.
Her old self never would have taken Spencer back. Her old self would have denied herself a chance at happiness to avoid looking like a fool again. The Nicole she was today wanted a future. A future that wasn’t filled with regret.
She sighed into Spencer’s mouth, relieved he felt the same. Tasted the same. For all the questions she might’ve still had, his kisses answered all of them. This was the man she fell for.
Nicole felt the tears rolling down Spencer’s face. She pulled away from him, needing to see him. She cupped his face, using her thumbs to wipe the moisture away. “It wasn’t long ago when you gave me a second chance. You could’ve held my past against me. Refused to see me for who I am today, but you didn’t. I know better than most people how rare goodness is. In my gut, I can feel you’re a good man, Spencer Shaw. Don’t prove me wrong.”
He ran his knuckles across her cheek, soothing her. “I won’t. I promise I’m done lying. All I’ll ever be is me.”
“Good. Because I don’t want Aiden Spencer. I want Spencer Shaw. He’s the one I’m falling for.”
“He’s right here. Right here.”
At once, with the fairy lights twinkling around them, they leaned in. Their hearts beating in perfect unison. The kiss, their first on equal footing and equal ground, was the best kiss Nicole had ever had. It was the kind that left you feeling breathless and warm.
A kiss that could seal your forever.
A first that felt like a last.