Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
FALLON
The next month passed easier now that he felt like he had permission to detach from the whole growing a human inside his body thing.
There were moments he couldn’t, of course.
Like when the baby kicked or when he was puking his guts out because Gage burned a little bit of cheese when making grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner.
Or when he had to visit the doctor and see his little mango on the fuzzy screen.
But he was given reprieve for a while—allowed to still feel like himself. Like he wasn’t losing any part of himself by doing this. He wasn’t taking a step back or creeping into the closet, or changing a fundamental part of his identity.
And Frankie and Fenton seemed to sense that about him and didn’t ask questions. They listened when he talked, and they were kind with him, but not pushy. It was a reminder that even though they’d come from the shittiest circumstances, he was probably one of the luckiest people on the planet.
And then there was Gage.
Gage, who had his own apartment but slept with Fallon every night. Gage, who seemed to sense what he needed before he needed it. Who pinned him to the mattress and either fucked him or got fucked in whatever way Fallon was craving without making him feel like he was doing Fallon some kind of favor.
Gage, who looked at him with hearts in his eyes…
But those hearts were covering a pain Fallon could tell he was still running from.
There was nothing he could do, of course. Gage was doing all the right things—if there really were right things in this case. He was in therapy. He was taking his medication as directed. He was crying when he needed to and taking time for himself when it all became too much.
He was brave and strong, but also fragile in ways Fallon didn’t quite understand how to help. Or if he should even try.
Gage had talked about it once—and only once. And then the topic seemed shut down, and Fallon wasn’t going to trip over that line and ruin this amazing thing he had. But he was starting to wonder if maybe just being in Gage’s life—reminding him of his almost reality—was starting to weigh on him.
Gage said he wanted this, but was he lying to himself in hopes that he could make that true? Or was this part of the healing process?
He needed someone to talk to, and he knew exactly who would give him the answers he was looking for.
Fallon’s back was in agony as he headed toward the familiar food truck.
He hardly ever went there. He didn’t like eating out if he could help it, but today wasn’t about lunch.
Lucas’s truck was set up near the city park, and Fallon had been there all afternoon, first doing sweet sixteen photos for a client and then a four-year-old’s birthday party.
Both were hell on him. He had to do a lot of crouching and lying on the ground and odd-angle shots that each parent requested. He didn’t mind that normally. He was a surprisingly bendy guy. But getting up and down was harder these days.
And his hips were hurting him in ways he hadn’t expected or been warned about.
He was practically limping as he walked up and sighed at the line Lucas had.
He took a seat at a bench as he watched his brother’s boyfriend handle the orders.
He liked watching Lucas move. He was graceful about it—the same way Fallon was.
His stims were like a dance, and the only difference between them was how often he rocked his head.
But Fallon figured that was probably more of a blind thing than an autism thing.
He enjoyed his company though, even if he didn’t go over to their place as often as he used to. Lucas was a good person. And he was good for Frankie and Elodie, which was the only thing that really mattered.
Today though, he was hoping Lucas could be something like a friend to him.
The line began to dwindle, and luckily, it was too cold for most people to want to stick around and eat, so when the last person grabbed their order, there was only one person sitting at a table.
He jumped up, wincing at the pain in his back, which was somehow worse after resting, and made his way over.
“Hello.”
Lucas leaned on the counter. “How can I help you?”
“It’s Fallon.”
He jolted. “Oh, shit. Hey, man. You never eat here.”
Fallon laughed softly. “I’m not hungry.”
Lucas’s shoulders squared. “Are you in trouble? I’m a shit fighter, but if you need backup—”
“Can we talk?”
Lucas’s brows flew up. “Bruh, of course. Come around. I’ll unlock the door.”
It took Fallon walking around the whole food truck before he found the right door, and Lucas had it propped open by the time he got to the steps. They were a little wobbly, which made him feel off-balance now that his own center of gravity was shifting, but he got inside without trouble.
The truck was more roomy than he expected it to be, and he eyed a little folding chair in the corner next to a giant box labeled “Doritos.” “Can I sit?”
“You can do whatever makes your heart happy,” Lucas said. “Do you want a drink?”
“No, thank you.” He felt a little queasy from walking so far in the cold. “I think I’m having a crisis about Gage, and I need your help.”
“Bruh.” Lucas leaned over and flipped something down off his counter, then pulled the rolling shade down to close up the shop.
It was dark apart from a small light in the corner, but Fallon didn’t mind that so much.
“You need to know that Gage and I don’t keep secrets from each other.
We’ve only done that a couple of times, and it sucked. ”
“This isn’t a secret. It’s about how he’s suffering.” Fallon’s fingers began to twist around each other, the stim soothing. He rocked a little as he stared at his fingertips. “I know what happened to him.”
Lucas blew out a puff of air. “Shit. Yeah. I figured he’d tell you.”
“It makes me angry. I…” He took a breath. “That’s why he was so angry that night, wasn’t it? With Charlie?”
“The night in the hall?” Lucas asked, then shrugged. “Yeah. He was really going through it back then. That was before he found out that kid wasn’t his though. Is he…well, fuck, dude. Is he struggling? He doesn’t talk to me a whole lot these days.”
Fallon felt immediately guilty. “That’s my fault.”
“That’s relationships,” Lucas pointed out.
He leaned against the counter, head tipped down.
“I think I was a shitty friend when your brother and I first started seeing each other. We were keeping it quiet. I didn’t…
I wasn’t there for Gage as much as I should have been.
Especially with what he was going through.
But he doesn’t blame me. He’s not angry about it.
” Lucas lifted his head, frowning. “Is he?”
“I don’t think so. He doesn’t talk much about how it was for him.
” Fallon let out a small sigh. “And he still seems so angry sometimes, even with all the help he’s been getting.
I want to do something to help, but I don’t think I can make it better.
I don’t think anyone can make that better.
And I can’t change my circumstances, so… ”
“Circumstances.”
Fallon touched his stomach before remembering Lucas couldn’t see that gesture. “I…um. The—the baby. I’m afraid that being around this is not helping him recover from his trauma.”
“Right.” Lucas bit his lip and swayed from side to side for a moment, then said, “Gage will do a lot of things to make a lot of people happy. He’s the set himself on fire to keep everyone else around him warm kind of person.
Uh, and don’t use that phrase in front of his dad.
Adele freaks out when people mention Gage and fire. ”
Fallon’s brows furrowed. “I don’t understand.”
“Well, you know. The fire.”
Fallon didn’t know. His silence seemed to speak that, and Lucas swore under his breath.
“Right, so he was in the house with his stepdad when it almost burned down. He got pretty hurt. Adele thought they both—” Lucas’s voice cracked. “We all thought they were both hurt for a while.”
There was so much about Gage Fallon didn’t know, and it was making him feel panicked. Gage was so much a part of his life, but he wasn’t part of Gage’s. “I haven’t met his parents.”
Lucas offered a soft smile. “That’s on purpose. They can be…a lot. I mean, I love them. I do. But I think he’s been worried about overwhelming you.”
“Are they transphobic?”
Lucas made a choking noise. “Oh my God, no? I mean…I don’t think so? I can’t imagine they would be.”
Fallon was a little afraid to let his guard down with new people. He’d run into so many who seemed like they would be cool until they learned that he was trans, and then it all went to hell. But Gage and Lucas didn’t seem like they’d come from a family who were unkind, so that helped.
A little.
“I think it’s more like…they tend to be really welcoming. Which is great. But they’re not always the best at reading cues when someone needs space. And they love kids, so I think they’ll be excited about…” He went quiet. “Sorry. I forgot I’m not supposed to mention the whole, uh. Thing.”
“It’s okay.” Fallon didn’t mind so much when it was Lucas. He understood how his mind worked. How he just stated facts simply because they were facts, and him growing a baby inside his body was exactly that. With Lucas, it didn’t feel like he was making a big deal out of it.
“I think it would be great if you married my brother,” he said.
Lucas blinked rapidly at the subject change. “Uh…”
“You feel like family. You make me feel safe.”
“Oh.” He took a step forward, then a step back, his backside thudding against the counter.
“I said something wrong,” Fallon muttered.