Chapter 12 #2
“No. Shit, I—no.” Lucas swallowed heavily, and his fingers began to twitch at his sides.
“My family loves me because they’re a bunch of weirdos.
But I don’t usually expect that other people will feel safe around me.
Most of the time, they tolerate me. But if they’re not uncomfortable about me being blind, they’re uncomfortable about me being autistic. Or both.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t like you?”
“I was hoping that you’d be happy for me and your brother. I was hoping we’d get along. I wanted more, but I didn’t want to be the guy who asked and made you feel, like…obligated to be friendly or whatever. I’m babbling. I’m sorry. I’m shocked.”
Fallon stood up and rocked back and forth for a second. He knew what he wanted, but he didn’t know how it would be received. “Can we hug? Can that be a thing?”
“Shit, yes,” Lucas said quickly. He blushed, but he didn’t take it back. Instead, he opened his arms. “It’s better if you start. If I try, I’ll probably miss.”
Fallon was careful and maybe slightly hesitant when he put his arms around Lucas. He was very tall and very strong, and Fallon didn’t know how it was going to feel. Sometimes when other people touched him, it was bad. It was so, so bad. But sometimes it was good.
And this?
It was good.
He hugged like Frankie, but also different. But it absolutely felt like family. He found himself relaxing hard into Lucas’s arms and resting his cheek against his nearly-brother-in-law’s shoulder.
Lucas rocked them both for a second, an obvious absent gesture, which Fallon loved. “I’m kind of a cuddler, so if we can hug more often, I’d be super cool with it.”
“Me too.”
Lucas let out the smallest sigh. “I think you should talk to Gage about all of this. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help.”
Fallon laughed a little as he pulled back. “It’s okay. I think that’s the best advice I could get. Thank you.”
Lucas bowed his head. “Anytime.”
Fallon reached out and squeezed his arm. “Yeah?”
“Yes. Anytime. If you want company and your brothers are busy, call me.”
Fallon bit his lip, then said, “Can I call you even if they aren’t busy?”
Lucas’s mouth spread into a big grin. “Yes, please.”
It felt like things were finally settling into place. That terrified the shit out of him, but also, he was happy. And he wasn’t going to let that make him more afraid.
He cooked that night. Sort of.
He’d reheated anyway, which he decided counted. Gage had thrown together a roasted chicken dinner the night before last, and Fallon called Lucas for some tips about how to reheat it without drying it out and making it inedible.
He knew Gage was on his way, so he sent him a text telling him to come right over, and he was just setting everything on the coffee table when the door opened.
Gage looked beat, dark bags under his eyes and a shuffle to his steps, but his face brightened when he saw Fallon. Dropping his bag, he walked over, hitched his arms around his waist, and lifted him slightly as he kissed him slowly and carefully.
“Hello,” Gage murmured after a moment.
Fallon laughed softly and leaned into his boyfriend. Boyfriend. God, that word still gave him a thrill because for the first time, it didn’t feel like it came with some cosmic price he didn’t want to pay. “I made dinner.”
Gage peered over Fallon’s shoulder. “Leftovers?”
“I didn’t fuck them up,” he promised, holding up his hand like a Boy Scout.
Gage groaned and kissed him again. “I wouldn’t care if you did.
I’m starving, and if I see another fucking pizza, I am going to throw myself into the ocean.
” He took Fallon’s hand and kissed his wrist before tugging him to the living room.
“I showered at the station, so are you cool if I get comfy, or do I smell weird?”
“You smell like station soap,” Fallon answered. It was a little weird, but it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.
Gage settled on the cushions in front of the couch, his legs poking out beneath the coffee table, and he pulled his plate close, shoving a massive bite of chicken into his mouth. “Oh my God, it tastes fresh.”
“Lucas helped,” Fallon admitted as he settled down. He had a much smaller portion. He’d been feeling a little sick all day, but he knew he needed to eat.
Gage straightened. “Oh shit. Is he here?”
Fallon snorted. “No. I called him. Actually, I went to see him at his food truck. I…” He bit his lip. He’d done what only seemed natural, but now he realized it might be considered a faux pas when it came to relationships.
He was used to fucking up, of course. With Charlie, he fucked up constantly, and Charlie never let him forget it.
He knew Gage wouldn’t be so cruel, but he also wanted to get it right for once.
Gage set his fork down and touched Fallon’s jaw. “What’s wrong?”
He took a breath. “I’ve been worried about you. I know—ah.” He tried to find the right words. His fingers rolled and unrolled the hem of his shirt. Up and down, up and down, the repetition keeping him calm. Gage waited patiently for him to speak. “I talked to him about you.”
Gage’s brow was furrowed as he stared at Fallon, and the more he stared, the more Fallon felt like squirming. Or, if he was being honest, getting up and running out of the room. Then Gage let out a small breath and laughed. “Wait, is that it?”
“I…well. Yes?” Fallon answered.
Gage sighed heavily and put his plate on the table, opening his arms for Fallon, who dropped into them with a punch of relief so intense, he felt a bit nauseous.
Gage’s arms were tight and just shy of being too much.
Before Fallon could say something though, Gage loosened his grip just enough to make it perfect.
“You’re allowed to talk to people about me if you’re feeling some type of way, sweetheart.”
Fallon closed his eyes against that word. So common, yet it felt so personal. Like it had been created just for him.
“And I’m sorry that I’ve been making you worried. How can I fix it?”
“No,” Fallon murmured against the front of Gage’s shirt.
He turned his head but didn’t look up. Instead, he stared at where Gage’s fingers were drawing lines against his arm.
“No. You don’t need to fix anything. I was afraid maybe all of this—with me—was too much.
And that was why you never brought me around your family or… or something.”
“Oh. Oh baby, no,” Gage said, tightening his grip again. “Oh God, please don’t think I—”
“I don’t,” Fallon interrupted, then tilted his head up. “I don’t think that. Lucas told me your family can be a lot, which would be hard for me. And I know our situation is complicated.”
“It’s not that complicated,” Gage said softly.
He leaned back and brushed his fingers through Fallon’s hair.
“And even if it was, that wouldn’t stop me.
But you’ve been under a lot of stress, and even if I tell them not to bring shit up, someone will.
Not on purpose, but they tend to be in each other’s businesses like it’s their job, and I wanted to enjoy our quiet time together for a little while before inviting in all that chaos.
I don’t ever want you to think I was hiding you away. ”
Fallon shook his head and bit his lip. He wanted more contact. He wanted to be more comfortable. “Can we lay down?”
Gage immediately stood up and pulled Fallon to his feet.
He arranged their little couch nest just the way Fallon liked, then lay down and made his body like the big spoon.
Fallon dropped easily against him, facing him so their legs wrapped around each other, and Gage could lean over and kiss his forehead.
Which he did. Immediately.
That was Fallon’s favorite thing.
“Talk to me,” Gage said.
Licking his lips, Fallon’s gaze moved to the cut of Gage’s jaw.
It was slightly stubbled. One more day and it would be unbearable, but three more days after that and it would be soft and fun to run his fingers over.
Then he looked up at his cheekbones. They were sharp, but his face had the look of someone who had chubby cheeks when he was little.
Fallon wanted to see photos of little Gage.
He’d seen a few of him in middle school that Gage had on his phone.
His hair had been a little longer, and the slight wave to it was straighter back then.
He was also more pale from never being outside, which had definitely changed since working at the station.
But Fallon knew he would have crushed on him if they’d been in the same grade. Badly. He would have been the awkward nerd in the hallway, following Gage around a hundred feet away, too terrified to ever say a word to him.
“Fallon. Baby.”
He took a breath. “I know you’re still…recovering from everything that happened.
I know you don’t like talking about it. But I hope…
” He stopped. He was struggling with his words, knowing what he wanted to say, but terrified that the way he was going to say them would come out too harsh or too blunt and hurt Gage, who was already in pain.
“I don’t want you to keep it all inside and then get to a point you can’t ask for help if you need it. ”
Gage was very quiet for a long time. There was a tension in his body that hadn’t been there when he first took Fallon into his arms, but Fallon told himself not to take it personally. Not yet. Not until Gage said something because he knew that no matter what, Gage wouldn’t lie to him.
“Dealing with my trauma is complicated,” Gage said very quietly.
“I don’t remember any of it. There were videos—I saw clips of them that those two assholes sent me when they were trying to blackmail me for money.
” His exhale trembled slightly as he let it out.
“But even the videos didn’t trigger anything, you know? I was very, very drugged.”
Fallon had no idea what to say.
“I thought I was supposed to be afraid or scared to have sex after it happened. When I wasn’t,” Gage said, his voice going even quieter, “I thought something was wrong with me. I mean, aren’t assault survivors supposed to be afraid?”
Fallon wasn’t sure that was an actual question, but Gage went quiet after. “I don’t think assault survivors are supposed to feel any type of way.”
Gage smiled, his eyes crinkling slightly in the corners as he looked down. “That’s what my therapist said. He said I was focusing too much on what I thought I was supposed to be feeling that I wasn’t working on how I actually felt.”
“Which was?”
“Angry,” Gage said, the word an almost whisper. “So fucking angry. Like, I wanted to put my fist through the wall all the time. I wanted to pick fights. I wanted to hurt people I thought deserved it. It took every ounce of my self-control not to beat your ex until he was unrecognizable.”
“What stopped you?”
Gage looked at him. “You. I didn’t want to scare you. I didn’t want you to think I was as bad as he was.”
Fallon didn’t know what to say. He had no idea how he would have reacted if Gage had done worse to Charlie. Maybe he would have been afraid.
Gage swallowed heavily. “I’m still angry. It’s easier to manage now, but sometimes it scares me. I have dreams about them all the time. About…” He went silent for a moment. “Jonny and Alayna.”
So, those were their names, then. The ones who hurt him.
“Sometimes in the dream, I’m running after them and screaming and trying to get everyone around me to hear what they did, but no one does. And I can never catch up to them. Sometimes I have them in a room, and I’m screaming in their faces, but they don’t react at all.”
Fallon picked up the hand Gage was resting between them and kissed his palm.
Gage smiled a little. “Sometimes I’m tearing at them with claws, but they don’t bleed. And I mean, I don’t think you need to be a psychiatrist to know what those dreams are trying to say. They were arrested, and they were punished for everything they did, but I…I don’t know.”
“It doesn’t feel like enough?”
Gage bowed his head. “Not all the time. Because they can be punished forever, and it won’t change what happened to me.
And God, what if they get out and do it to someone else?
Or what if I wasn’t the first?” He leaned forward and knocked his head against Fallon’s.
“My therapist says it’ll get better. That it might not ever go away, but there will be days I don’t think about any of it because my life will be so good and so happy that it’ll eclipse everything else. ”
“Do you believe him?”
Gage leaned back, and his lips tilted up in the corners. “Yes. Because it’s already happened with you.”
Fallon had no idea what to say, so he said nothing at all. Instead, he curled his fingers into the front of Gage’s shirt and then kissed him.