Chapter 12
Nate
“Like I could think about anything else last night,” Jenna says, almost under her breath.
Her words have given me hope. I wasn’t able to sleep last night, because just spending a little bit of time with her reminded me of everything that we had had together and everything that I had thrown away when I broke up with her. I was as stupid as a man could be, even if I was still a kid and just doing what all of the adults in my life told me would be best for both of us.
“Not even the candy cane competition?”
“We already figured out what we were going to do. It is either going to work or it isn’t. There isn’t any point in worrying about it. But with you...” My heart sinks, because she looks so sad. “I want to trust you, I want to meet you halfway, with whatever’s going on here, but... I felt like I wasn’t going to survive the last time. I don’t want to go through that again.”
Her words hurt my heart. I hate that. I hate that I hurt her, hate that it looms so large in her mind that she can’t get past it, and she’s scared. Scared that it’s going to happen again. Scared that I’m going to throw her away.
“Jenna. I promise. If you give me a chance, you won’t regret it. I can guarantee I won’t look at another woman again. I can’t do that, of course. But I won’t listen to anyone who tells me that I’m better off without you, because I’ve lived the last eight years realizing that is a lie.”
I don’t know if I’m getting through to her or not, but the words are in my heart and so I say them. “The biggest mistake of my life was breaking up with you. The biggest heartache is knowing that I caused you pain. The worst memory I have is the knowledge that there is a picture of me kissing someone else in our yearbook. You know how much that burns me? How much I regret that? One mistake, and it’s immortalized for all time. I have to look at that and realize every time how stupid I was, and I have to know that you look at that and hurt every time.”
That really does kill me. I hated that picture from the first time I saw it, and I hate it today. Hate the fact that the girl that I love, that I always loved, is hurt by that picture. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change it.
“You’re right. It does hurt me every time I look at it. I haven’t looked at it in years. But now I have Abby’s shop right beside me. There is that.”
“What are the odds?” I mutter. Seriously, I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but to put Abby right beside Jenna and then bring me into the picture, it’s almost as though...He wants to make things as difficult for us as possible, just to see what our character really is. I guess I don’t have any trouble being nice to Abby, other than I don’t want Jenna to think that there’s anything between us. I suppose Jenna is the one who really has to grow through this. And it’s up to her.
“I understand if you decide you don’t want to have anything to do with me. I mean, I’m going to fight for you, don’t think I’m not, and I guess it doesn’t matter how long it takes. I...spent the last eight years thinking about what a mistake it was to lose you, and I’m ready to spend the next eight years and beyond waiting for you to decide that I really mean it when I say I’m not going to leave you, ever. But as I look at the situation, you were the one who paid the price for everything. You paid with your pain and tears, and I escaped with hardly anything, other than the pain of knowing I hurt you. Which is just a small amount compared to your pain, but it seems big to me.”
That’s stupid. It’s not about my pain. It’s about hers.