Chapter 13
Jenna
I hate that he hurts. I hate that the idea of me hurting hurts him. It makes me feel like I can’t hurt, because I’ll hurt him. And the very last thing I ever want to do is to hurt someone.
I guess that’s the key. I love him. I always have, and I suppose I probably always will.
But just because I love someone doesn’t mean he’s a good bet to spend the rest of my life with.
My hot chocolate is starting to get cold, and I take a big sip before I say, “I’m going to get to work.”
I know that wasn’t the way he wanted this conversation to end, but I honestly just don’t know what to do or how to fix this. I suppose the easiest thing for me to do would be to just jump. Just trust him. Just assume that God brought us together for a reason and that I should take a leap of faith, but... After you’ve fallen down once, isn’t it kinda smart to look around and try to figure out what tripped you up so you don’t allow it to trip you up again?
“How’s Janet doing this morning?” Nate asks, kneeling down beside me, as I spread a piece of paper out on the floor. I’m going to put the candy cane on top of it, and the paper will catch any of the pieces that don’t stick to the glue.
“She was still sleeping when I checked her about forty-five minutes ago,” I say, appreciating the fact that he asked. Not just because he cares, but because I don’t want to forget to check her again in a little bit. She’ll text me if she needs anything urgent, and there will be home healthcare workers coming in to give her a hand getting out of bed.
Her insurance wouldn’t pay for in-person care at a rehab hospital, but it would pay for the healthcare workers, so we scheduled them at the times where we thought she would need help getting in and out of bed. That would be the hardest thing for me to do by myself.
“How are your parents?” I ask, wincing a little. At one time, we were close. They almost felt like a second set of parents to me.
“They’re doing well. Dad has apologized on several occasions for the advice he gave me in high school. He said that he should have kept his mouth shut, because I probably was going to make a better decision than the one I made.”
I appreciate him saying something. I appreciate the fact that even his dad realizes that it was a mistake.
“I guess that hurt me too. The fact that I was close to your parents, and they pretty much disappeared out of my life after we broke up.”
“I think Dad felt guilty. He heard that you took it hard, and he knew that I thought I was doing the best thing. He thought so too at the time. But he still feels guilty.”
I guess knowing that he feels guilty makes me feel a little better, although I suppose it’s natural when a person feels pain they want to lash out, and I hated his parents for a time.
We chat back and forth a bit as we work, until an alarm on my phone goes off.
“I need to run up and check on Aunt Janet. The healthcare workers will be here in an hour, but I want to make sure she’s going to be okay.”
“Do you want me to come up with you?” Nate asks immediately, acting like he’s getting ready to stand up.
“No. If you don’t mind staying here and just working, so we can get as much done as possible before I need to open.”
He nods, and then he puts a hand on my arm. His eyes stare up into mine. “You know I never stopped loving you. Not ever.”
For some reason, his words make me want to cry, but I do not. I just jerk my head and slide my arm out from underneath his hand and hurry to the stairs.
Aunt Janet is awake when I knock softly and push her door open. She greets me with a smile, but almost as soon as she sees my face, her smile disappears and she says, “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
I know we’re supposed to be talking about her. She’s the one with the broken leg, who is laid up, needing help, but I sit down on the chair and lay my head on her forearm, holding onto it like I’m a little girl who needs comfort.
I’m not sobbing, but I feel like it when I say, “Nate wants to get back together. He just told me he never stopped loving me, but you know how bad it hurt the last time. Tell me that I need to kick him out and never see him again, for my sanity.”
“He’s here now?” Aunt Janet says, sounding shocked. Of course she’s shocked. What kind of man shows up at five o’clock in the morning on a girl’s doorstep, just to help her fix the candy cane chaos she’s found herself involved in and help her win a silly town competition?
A man who is in love, who sacrifices his comfort and ease for someone else. A man of character.
“Sweetheart. Only you know that. God isn’t going to tell me what you should do. You just have to listen to Him.”
“I can’t hear Him over the pain in my heart.”
“Well, ultimately the decision is up to you, but I’ve found that if you just sit around, hiding from anything that might cause you pain in your life, you never grow and get stronger. And if you don’t take chances, you never get anywhere. Because everything that’s good in life comes with a price.”
Her words make sense, and I digest them silently.
“Think to yourself, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you get back with Nate? Would it be that he breaks your heart again?”
I nod my head. “I thought I was going to die the last time.”
“Now ask yourself what’s the best thing that could happen if you get back with Nate? You know what kind of man he is, the character he has, and the way he cares about you. If you get back with him, you could have a beautiful marriage, one you couldn’t have with anyone else, am I right?”
She is right, and I nod.
“Then you have to decide which one you’re willing to accept. Do you want to take the chance of going through that pain again, in order to have something more beautiful than you could imagine?” She squeezes my hand. “Or do you want to just stay in your safe bubble and settle for something mediocre, or less than, or possibly for being alone all of your life?”
Being alone doesn’t scare me. Yes, of course I want to get married and have children, but I’m not going to rush into marriage just because I’m afraid of being alone. I might rush into a marriage, but only if I’m sure that it’s the right thing to do.
Her words have given me two clear paths, but I’m still not sure which one I want to take. I know if I were the daring kind, I would let go of my fear and reach out to Nate.
But is it so very wrong of me to want to be able to live the rest of my life without ever going through that kind of heartache again?